Baron Zemo's Lair. - The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Five: In which everybody was kung-fu fighting, except that strange fellow in the Zorro outfit

Baron Zemo's Lair

The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Five: In which everybody was kung-fu fighting, except that strange fellow in the Zorro outfit
Wednesday, 25-Aug-1999 10:03:43
195.92.194.44 writes:

The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Five
In which everybody was kung-fu fighting, except that strange fellow in the Zorro outfit

Turns out I had a party of four waiting to meet me in Hong Kong, not the two that I’d been expecting. The two gentlemen whom Ms Waltz had recommended as being experienced with the local Yakusa – a sort of grubby criminal fraternity not unlike the Mafia or Inland Revenue, and led by a lady called Akiko Masamune – were a confused sort of chappie who goes by the unlikely nomenclature of Visionary, and a dapper young blood who has chosen the cognomen Yo. Their two additional colleagues (although only one was in evidence until I popped on my spectacles) were a girl in her mid to late teens bearing a remarkable resemblance to Ms Waltz, and an extraordinary robotic performing flea.
Don’t know which was more remarkable. I asked the gel, Asil, whether she was perhaps Ms Waltz’s relative, and she told me that “Lisa’s a big pooty-head,” which I assume to be American slang for cousin. As for the little robot (amazing what the Japanese can do these days), he is called Fleabot, and appears a very erudite fellow. He’s certainly a challenge to take on at chess.
Visionary seemed a little bit confused as to why he was there. He pointed out that the only time he’d ever really met Ms Masamune was during “the karaoke incident” and that she’d scared him spitless then. Apparently only his terror of Ms Waltz had convinced him to fly out at all. Miss Asil reassured him that everything was going to turn out just perfectly since he was there to handle it. Nice to see young people with a positive attitude. Young Yo also encouraged him, saying, “Cute Visionary is not to be fearing uncute Yakuza killing killers while friend Yo is here to be stopping killing killers before they are to be killing cure Visionary.” That was when I realised that English was not Yo’s first language. I have therefore spoken loudly and carefully to him ever since. Fleabot reminded the youngsters that Ms Masamune had an alliance with them, and that they were considered part of the family.
I explained our mission to them. Bautista Enterprises is trying to reconstruct the whatever-it-is that Zemo and the Yakusa are separately so interested to get their hands on, but needs some rare element called Vibratium to line the doobery-whatsits with according to the plans from the late Leonard Hopkins.. Now Vibratium’s a pretty rare substance, but there’s a chappie in Hong Kong who’s apparently got a line on the stuff, so I volunteered to pop over and have a word, see if we couldn’t purchase a few dollops. So we were here to see some shady underworld spiv by the name of Low-Blo.
Visionary admitted to not having the first idea where to find such a blighter, so I hit on the idea of going and asking Ms Masamune. After all, we needed to clear up the business of why she was having people ninj at us and presumably she was familiar with the local low life. At least Visionary had her address. Little Asil seemed particularly impressed by that. Visionary didn’t seem too keen to “walk into the middle of an assassins’ guild,” but young Yo was ready enough. “Yo is convinced that Yo can fu and kung as well as anybody is being,” as he put it.
So we went along so narrow allies into the Old Quarter. Lots of people selling livestock on every corner. Mixture of neon lights and traditional paper lanterns. Stealthy blighters surreptitiously stalking us as Fleabot pointed out. Visionary asked his friend if Yo minded asking one of the secret followers some directions as he was getting a bit baffled by these alleyways. Fleabot said something about Visionary being able to get baffled tying his shoelaces. Asil stoutly defended the young man, saying Visionary could tie shoelaces better than anybody. By this time Yo trotted back happy pulling two stunned tong thugs with him. Politely asked them directions to Ms Masamune’s house.
Visionary was convinced that they only let us into the Yakusa stronghold on the grounds that “we are patently the least threatening bunch of soon-to-be-dead victims ever to knock on the door of a criminal mastermind intent on massacring us.” Lad has a good sense of humour. Hope his wife appreciates it.
Got led into big courtyard where lots of people in white pyjamas were kicking each other, throwing pointy stars at things, hitting people with sticks, and doing some sort of what I presume is disco dancing with curly swords. Lady in pink on big throne clapped hands and everything stopped. All watched as we went up to see her. Gave her calling card and asked if she was Ms Masamune.
Turns out she was. Young slip of a girl, hardly much older than Asil, with the biggest and prettiest eyes you ever did see. Very pretty dress. Told her as much. Several Oriental chappies flinched for some reason, a few dived behind solid objects. Asked why such a pretty and nice young gal would associate herself with ruffians and vagabonds like this. Asked why on Earth she should send black pyjama chappies and helicopters and things all the way to the Philippines to be nuisances. Fleabot referred to this as either a unique approach to criminology or an innovative new form of suicide.
Ms Masamune explained that it was not customary for crimelords (which is her current occupation) to dress in pretty pink frocks, and that nobody has ever dared to comment on her choice of attire. I replied that this was a damn shame, as it was most becoming. Pointed out that those ninja chappies might look a bit better in pink themselves and Ms Masamune agreed. She told us that there was a hundred million dollar reward for any agency bringing the plans to Baron Zemo, so she’s had her laddies look for it just to see what was getting old Heinrich that steamed up. I asked her to stop, please.
“This is a major villainess,” Visionary objected, “although clearly a woman of immense integrity, talent, drive, and character,” he added quickly, glancing at her. “She’s not just going to let us go.”
“He’s right,” Ms Masamune answered, with, I thought, a glance at two of her closest advisors, a massive brute of a chap and a smaller one with a cut-your-throat-sooner-than-tell-you-the-time look to him.. “It’s all about face. I’d lose respect if I just cancelled my orders to retrieve the secret plans.”
Took the point. Young gal in big job, and a couple of nasties dogging her footsteps waiting for her to make her first mistake so they could bring her down. Had to do something about it. Suggested that we should settle the matter right there and then. A contest of champions. Visionary perked up at this, said he’d been in one before and his arm was in good form. Yo said something about the Fluffy Bunnies of the Happy Place or somesuch. Suggested that our two young chappies might take on any two of Ms Masamune’s minions, winner takes the plans.
Young Visionary had choking fit. Miss Asil patted him on the back. Ms Masamune nominated two shifty-looking advisors, as expected.
Settled down with excellent cup of tea to watch contest with Ms Masamune. Noticed that Asil was rather agitated. Turns out after chatting with her that she’s been “genetically manipulated” by that cow-headed villainess Dr Moo to be obsessed with young Visionary. Poor gal. Can see how this could be a bit of a strain on both of them. Don’t suppose Mrs Visionary’s too happy about it either. Must have word with Dr Moo later about sorting this out for them.
Big thug chap turns out to be One Ton Wong, the Sumo Strangler. His vicious little partner is No Lee Way, master of the martial arts. Yo seemed confident and happy to be fighting the big chap. Visionary seemed much less confident. Lad has low self esteem. Doesn’t think he can do what he has to, yet never balks when it needs to be done. That’s the right stuff. He just needs to recognise it. Lad’s got a good heart, and that counts for a lot. Said as much to Asil and Ms Masamune.
Soon as contest began so did cheating. No Lee Way produces cheesewire garrotte and hooks it over Visionary’s head. One Ton Wong picks up spectator to use as club against Yo. Well, I’d been sort of expecting this. Could tell these chappies wouldn’t play cricket. So I was sitting with one hand in my waistcoat pocket so I could invoke my pocketwatch to even things up. Wouldn’t have interfered if the other side hadn’t cheated, of course.
First aged that garrotte into brittleness. No Lee Way looked rather surprised as it snapped, and even more surprised when Visionary used the sudden luck to turn round and kick him on the shin. When he went for young Visionary with a concealed knife I just carefully slowed his movements enough for the young fellow to dodge aside and biff him on the nose. Martial artist with nosebleed not as terrifying.
Next turned attention to young Yo, only to find that young Yo was stronger than he looked, and was currently lifting One Ton Wong over his head and swinging him about. Kept doing this until One Ton Wong got dizzy and redistributed large portion of that morning’s breakfast (about a quarter ton of sushi by the looks of it) over ninjas on the front row of the audience. Nice to see blood feuds being started amongst the ungodly.
Checked back on Visionary. No Lee Way took another few thumps and decided enough was enough. Drew compact sub-machine gun from concealing robe and fired at Visionary. I had to concentrate hard for this one. Speeded up the young man so that he could actually see the bullets coming and move fast enough to knock them out of the air. Heard gasp of amazement from assembled criminals as all they saw was a fellow knocking aside machine-gun fire, his arms a blur. Even Visionary couldn’t believe he was doing it. No Way Lee certainly couldn’t. Even after the clip was empty he stared in disbelief at the unharmed Visionary. So Visionary belted him. No Way Lee staggered backwards, slipped on the sushi vomit, went down with a bang on his head, and that was it.
Young Yo had just about finished off One Ton Wong as well. He somehow had the sumo hung on a wall hook by the back of his loincloth, unable to get down or do anything but grunt.
Ms Masamune declared these two failures unfit to be Yakusa, and had them cast out. She seemed quite pleased about it all, really. She promised no more Yakusa interference over the plans etc. She was a bit reluctant when I asked for directions to Lo-Blo and asked me if I realised he worked for the Devil Doctor. Said I’d never heard of any Devil Doctor but be assured that if he was a cad and a bounder we’d deal with him. So in the end she gave us an address just over the bay in mainland China, warning us to beware the claws of the Devil Doctor. Thanked her for the tea, gave smelling salts to revive the fainted Visionary, and went to find him.
Lo-Blo actually quite helpful. Hasn’t got any Vibratium but knows where it can be had. Sauntering down to Antarctica tomorrow to acquire some, again with special guides who come highly recommended. Visionary asked me if they needed to come along and I said thanked him politely but could see he wanted to get home to his lovely wife. However, suggested that I could use an amanuensis and invited young Asil to come along if she wanted. Always useful to have a secretary about when one’s arranging flights and provisions and things. Pointed out to both of them that only way for young Asil to get over Visionary fixation is to do some things away from Visionary, try and wear it off. Fleabot’s other suggestions ignored as cruel. Young lady will think about it overnight and let me know in morning, when I go to meet with my guide Mr Caveguy.
Slightly surprised when Yo kissed me goodnight. Could have sworn he was a chap, but has clearly been a young lady dressed up in man’s clothing all along. Suppose she felt safer in foreign climes in man’s attire. Can’t say I blame her. Actually rather cute woman. Can’t fathom how I didn’t notice before. Must be getting old.
Also slightly surprised to find twelve bucket-head-masked lurkers in my hotel room, all rendered unconscious with a note saying “Compliments of Akiko.” Knew she was a nice young woman after all.