Baron Zemo's Lair. - The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Seven: In which the insidious Devil Doctor reveals his true colours, and nobody is quite who they seem to be

Baron Zemo's Lair

The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Seven: In which the insidious Devil Doctor reveals his true colours, and nobody is quite who they seem to be
Friday, 27-Aug-1999 09:38:22
195.92.194.42 writes:

The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Seven:In which the insidious Devil Doctor reveals his true colours, and nobody is quite who they seem to be

The Devil Doctor was a scary blighter. About seven foot all, dressed in mandarin robes, with fingernails a foot long if they were an inch, he rose up from his chair and stood in the green lights of the pagoda braziers and glared at us with eyes that shone with red fire. Asked him what the deuce he thought he was up to, kidnapping a British citizen and Miss Asil like this, and demanding that he explain himself pretty damn quickly.
“Silence, dolt!” he hissed. Put him down as one of the melodramatic type of nasties, very much keen on himself and no sense of humour. “You have served my purpose, in retrieving the mineral vibratium from the Savage Park. Now all that remains is your slow, painful demise.” Such a relief not to have another baddie trying to get hold of the plans for the gadget that we needed the vibratium for that I almost smiled. Instead reassured young Asil that the chap was a no-good scoundrel and they always come to a bad end. Pointed out no need to be frightened of chappie who can’t even pick his nose without giving himself lobotomy.
Got thrown in execution dungeon. Asil comforted me with thought that Visionary would come and rescue us. Gently pointed out that genetic imperative placed on young gel by Dr Moo was showing again. Asked about trick she’d got of apparently changing ages. Asil explained about how she was cloned from Ms Waltz by Dr Moo, who turns out to be the other Ms Waltz, sister of the charming advocatrix. Got rather lost in bit about multiple Asil clones becoming the Visionary Vixens but ended up with general gist that Asil’s even younger than she looks, although a very agreeable lassie and good company for an old fellow locked in a dungeon.
Two other blokes waiting for execution as well. One apparently from the American Ministry of Agriculture and fisheries, been kidnapped by the Devil Doctor’s minions while investigating plot to poison every hamburger in the US. Other little Chinese fellow who’d been caught trespassing on the DD’s private hunting ground, trying to recover a missing waterfowl apparently. Decided it was time to escape and thought I’d best bring these other bods with us. Was about to use pocketwatch to shift door one minute into future and walk through gap when the Ag and Fish fellow slips out of his chains, tells me not to worry and he’ll save me, and promptly picks lock on condemned cell door. Remarkable.
So our little procession made it’s way through the dungeons. Ag and Fish fellow remarkably good skulker. Began to suspect not necessarily Ag and Fish desk jockey. Asked Asil if US Ag and Fish department have special undercover agents like Special Air Service. Mental image of chappies with flame-throwers parachuting into fields of non-standard turnips. Asil not sure.
Slight hitch when we reach the giant spider chamber. Ag and Fish chap a bit put out. Preparing to offer services when little Chinese fellow slips past, gesturing for us to stay in cover. Then there was a bit of growling, a whumf like a gas fire lighting, a flash of flame, and the little Chinese bloke beckoning us to come past. Giant spiders pretty much squished, and in some cases, flambéed. Began to speculate that little duck-hunting chappie might know kung fu or something. But those spiders were awfully flat. Similar events with scorpion pit.
Little Chinese fellow and Ag and Fish man disappeared off up corridor, obviously looking for something. Took advantage of the time while we waited for them to dictate a couple of letters to Asil. One to Patricia, explaining why not in office at the moment and warning probably wouldn’t make Sunday dinner as in mad Devil Doctor’s secret Honshu fortress. Other to Roland with some business instructions, particularly along the lines of ignoring any advice Donald Seddings might be offering him. By time I’d finished those off two mysterious coves were back, quite excited at having found the Devil Doctor’s secret lair. Bit of a debate then as to whether they should get us to safety first or go and investigate.
Cut through the argument by striding straight into lair, pointing out that this Devil Doctor was a nasty blighter and it was the job of all right-thinking fellows everywhere to squash such excreciencies for the public good. Asil agreed, pointing out that she was a genetically-enhanced version of “Lame-O Lisa” (presumably a term of endearment for her genetic donor) and well capable of taking care of herself, and any possibly fake men she was with if she ever saw Visionary ever again.
Secret lair rather impressive, I must admit. Big piles of treasure strewn all over the shop, interspersed with benches covered in bubbling liquids and improbable glasswork, and a display of stuffed adversaries under glass at one end of the room. The little Chinese chappie got very excited about some notebooks he happened to find on one of the desks. “Look here,” he called to Ag and Fish. “See this writing. It’s Makluan. This Devil Doctor guy had definitely been plundering old Makluan technology.”
Asil asked what Makluan was. Admitted not up on names of all former colonies. Suggested possibly new name for Ceylon. Writing looked foreign enough, all squiggly symbols that looked like a spider had fallen in an inkpot and then had an epileptic fit. While others were admiring strange log book I took the time to re-pocket most of the vibratium the Devil Doctor had confiscated.
The room suddenly filled with piratical chaps. Became pretty clear that the Makluan volume was alarmed. Baddies with nasty pointy weapons once more surrounded three of us – somehow Ag and Fish chap had vanished into the shadows, although I never saw him go. Devil Doctor strides forward, red eyes burning. “You have trespassed on sacred ground, petty mortals. What final words have you before I grant you long and painful deaths?”
“Mortals?” snarled the Chinaman. “Just because you have salvaged a few artefacts from the Makluan starship crash and built a little empire on it you think that makes you equal to a Great Wyrm?” Then the Chinaman took off his skin like a waistcoat and seemed to turn inside out. And the inside was a lot bigger and more scaly, with a tail and spine ridges and claws, and it breathed fire.
“That’s Fin Fang Foom,” breathed Asil. Turns out the chap is a shapechanging dragon who’s something big in one of those American superhero teams that are so popular these days. Apparently quite nice fellow (if shy) occupying the body of this draconic alien from the planet Makluos after some dragons crashed here centuries ago. Whoever he was, he was a big blighter.
“No, I don’t believe myself to be more than mortal because I found a few Makluan trinkets,” the Devil Doctor sneered back. Then blow me down if he didn’t peel of his skin and become another bloody big dragon. “I believe myself to be more than mortal because I am the last true survivor of the Makluan refugees who crashed her lo those many years ago. What say you now, pretender in the skin of a true Makluan? Tremble and face your doom.”
Well Fin Fang Foom seemed a bit stunned by that, so I nudged him on the flank. “Go on, young dragon-me-lad,” I urged him. “Give that villain a damn good seeing to.” Turned round to deal with piratical types but found most of them already stunned on the floor with some gent in a long dark cloak standing over them. Worked out later that he must have been the Ag and Fish fellow. Asil tells me he’s known as the Dark Knight and he often works with Fin Fang Foom. Asil helped polish off the remaining pirates. Rather reminds me of that jolly young woman in the catsuit who used to help John Steed out on that TV show back when there was anything worth watching on the box. Wonder if Asil would like a catsuit?
The two dragons had taken an instant dislike to each other and were therefore trying to tear each others’ heads off. It got very hot very quickly as big gouts of flame melted piles of gold and ignited arcane experiments. Dark Knight gestured for us to follow him to safety. Explained that they hadn’t anticipated that the Devil Doctor might actually be a Makluan, thought he was just pirating their technology, which is why the two of them had disguised themselves and got captured. Sounded a bit worried for his chum Foomy. Didn’t like to ask where he’d concealed that costume he was wearing.
I noticed a rather interesting bit of kit at the far end of the room. The missing bit of our vibratium was in it and it appeared to be controlling the pressure of some kind of refraction process. Can’t run Wilton Enterprises without a bit of understanding of chemistry, don’t you know? Used chronometer to shift pressure forward half and hour, which meant that it would inexplicably double at that point, doing bad things to the vibratium. Wasn’t leaving the Devil Doctor to enjoy the rewards of his criminal behaviour. Not done.
Meanwhile Fin Fang Foom not doing too well against Devil Dragon. Fiendish monster points out that Mr Foom hasn’t had the benefit of Makluan draconic combat training, and therefore fight is a bit like boy scout versus marine. Good point. Lad’s heart is in the right place (well, wherever the right place is for a dragon) but he wasn’t ready for this battle. Fella’s a trier, but it was clear to see he was on the ropes.
Dragons are a bit big for a time stop but on the other hand I didn’t need to freeze the Doctor for more than a few moments, just long enough to let Fin Fang Foom line up a really good thump. Nobody even noticed I’d intervened though it took me a full chronal charge. The Devil Dragon came out of the time suspension to see a massive hammerblow heading right for his snoot, and went down hard onto his lab tables.
Came up screaming. Some sort of flesh eating virus experiment, Dark Knight estimated. Made a mess of the Devil Doctor anyway. Lunged away fizzing as his skin melted, howling like a banshee. Foom sort of tottered and managed to shift back to a Caucasian human form before keeling over. Looked like he’d done fifteen rounds with Joe Bugner. Helped the Dark Knight drag him away to this sleek black vehicle that just crashed through a wall to pick us up. Lots of agitated Oriental chappies wanted to stop us leaving, but Dark Knight just drove through ‘em. Single minded sort of cove.
Satisfyingly large explosion behind us as effect of pressure wave on vibratium clinically established.
Dark Knight and Fin Fang Foom dropped us off at Shaghai, then went back to see what had become of the Devil Doctor. I told them it was good riddance to bad rubbish, but they seemed to feel that the world would hear from him again. Have hired plane to take Asil and I to Calcutta, then commercial airline to get us back with the vibratium and see what young Bautista can make of it, what? Asked Asil if she was sorry she’d signed up, but she told me we’d handled it almost as well as Visionary could have done. Remarkable young woman.
Sent postcard to Patricia letting her know that we’d escaped the Devil Doctor and now only had to worry about Baron Zemo’s death squads. Bought new walking stick. Went to bed.

Mumph