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Post By The Hooded Hood rises to the challenge Sat Apr 10, 2004 at 10:04:10 pm EDT |
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Night Nurse #3 (with special guest star Big Thick Eddie): Night of the Bucket | |
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| Night Nurse #3 (with special guest star Big Thick Eddie): Night of the Bucket “Oh good grief, Big Thick Eddie, not again,” cried night nurse Grace O’ Mercy as the bouncer/enforcer/continuity exile was helped into the Phantomhawk Memorial Hospital ER by some of his friends and comrades. “How many times can one man get his head stuck in a metal bucket?” “It was happy hour,” dull thud explained helpfully. He generally tried to be helpful to attractive young brunettes in nurse’s outfits, and here were two of them, clearly identical twins; although he wasn’t quite sure why they were swaying like that. “Slightly Mad Ron was having his usual How-Fast-Can-You-Drink-A-Bucket-of-Lager contest…” ~~Followed of course,~~ added Cressida, the telepathic tapeworm in dull thud’s stomach, ~~by the equally usual How-Fast-Can-You-Projectile-Spew-It-Over-the-Bar Contest.~~ “And poor Big Thick Eddie fell off the wagon,” surmised Grace. “Not so much fell,” admitted thuddy, “as spectacularly dived, with a double back somersault and full marks from the Bulgarian judges.” “Sorry, Nurse Grace,” echoed Big Thick Eddie from inside his bucket. His hiccup sounded like a sound effect from a 70’s low budget sci-fi series. “Oh dear, Eddie,” the night nurse sighed disappointedly. “I thought you were doing so well. It’s been, what, ten days since a bucket mishap? I very nearly got around to putting the lard back in the storeroom.” “We’ve all very, verry sorry,” dull thud assured her, breathing fumes sufficiently alcoholic to be combustible had this not been a no-smoking zone. “But I would jus’ like to tell you how verry cute you are, Nursie.” ~~You’re talking to the drinks machine,~~ Cressida warned the rumpled roadie. ~~And we’ve had that talk about dates who expect you to give them cash before they put out, haven’t we?~~ “Can you get the lard now, Nurse Grace?” asked Big Thick Eddie plaintively, if somewhat muffledly. “Only my nose is starting to itch, and I’m getting hungry. Curry and burritos for preference, but that lard you use is pretty tasty to help down six gallons of Slightly Mad Ron’s Lager of the Week.” “You cannae beat those micro-breweries,” thud told the vending machine. “This week was some Australian stuff from Worralorra Falls made with genuine recycled wallaby product.” He was feeling pretty chipper now, and he knew the lady must like him because she’d given him a bag of Doritos. “I’ll fetch the lard presently, Big Thick Eddie,” Grace promised, “but first I wonder if you could do us a small favour?” “I have a bucket on my head,” Big Thick Eddie warned. “So all I can see is my nose.” “That’s just fine,” the night nurse assured him. “I think this is a job only a large stupid man with a bucket on his head could attempt.” “I could try an’ find a bucket,” offered dull thud. “Or Cressie could transmute one. What rhymes with bucket?” Cressida told him. “What have I got to do, Nurse Grace?” asked Big Thick Eddie. “It won’t take long, will it, only I think I’ll need the bathroom soon, and my aim’s not…” “It won’t take long,” Grace o’Mercy assured him quickly. “It’s just that we have a troublesome patient you could help with. You might notice that we don’t seem to have any doctors on duty here, despite having a pretty crowded accident and emergency ward right now.” “I didn’t notice, Nurse Grace. On account of the bucket.” “You’re excused. The point is, we had a young woman in here about half an hour ago, with a twisted ankle and a broken shoe heel. And the doctors are tending to her. All of them.” ~~All of them?~~ puzzled Cressida. “Are you looking at my girlfriend? Are you?” dull thud challenged the magazine stand. “All of them. We have people bleeding to death out here and they’re making sure her calf isn’t bruised. I sent Nurse DuBois in there to sort it out. She came back saying she thought maybe she’d dye her hair blonde. Our wounded high-heel walker appears to be a very charming person.” ~~I could help out,~~ the wonder worm offered, ~~if I can just find a way to get Davie here to reclaim motor control. And higher brain functions.~~ “No, that’s okay,” Grace assured her. “I think Big Thick Eddie will be just what the doctor ordered. Or would have ordered if he wasn’t too busy slobbering over Miss High-heel. Eddie, I want you to go in there and put this antiseptic sticking plaster on the patient.” “What about all the doctors?” “If they ask, tell them you’re a consultant on exchange from Candia. They’ll believe that.” “How can I see where to stick the plaster?” Grace O’Mercy smiled wickedly. “Oh, just slap it on anywhere, it’ll be fine. Somewhere with hair, preferably.” “I could take you, you wee skinny runt!” thud warned the magazine rack. “But I think I’m in wi’ this big fat lassie here,” he added, cuddling the vending machine. “Cressie, what rhymes wi’ condom?” “We’ve already had somebody in here having got stuck that way,” the night nurse warned. “It’s not safe sex to use a condom on a vending machine. This way, Big Thick Eddie.” She steered Eddie across the ER to the curtained cubicle that was crowded with every male staff member on the ward, and a few females too. She could hardly glimpse the elegant Nordic blonde who reclined on the gurney. Instead, she aimed Big Thick Eddie, helped him peel back the cover strip on the industrial-strength sticking plaster he carrier, and pushed him forward. There was the sound of medical personnel being shouldered to the floor, then a sultry voice said, “I really don’t think you should stick that horrible thing on me.” “Nurse Grace said I had to,” Big Thick Eddie said obediently, fortified by every bit of mesmeric ability the night nurse could muster, and by a natural inclination to do what assertive women told him. Then there was a sucking, sticking sound as of adhesive tape being applied to eyebrows. “You moron!” shrieked the Enthrallress – for it was she, the Ausgardian goddess of seduction and nooners – “You freak! Get this off me! Get it… Nonotlikethat! Aaagh!” Life is good, decided Grace O’Mercy, as she heard the noise that could only be written ‘shhhrrrriiipp!’. “Take that bucket off!” demanded the enraged Entrallress. “Drag it off him right now! I want to see his face before I command him to die for me!” “The bucket’s stuck, ma’am,” Big Thick Eddie explained regretfully. But the efforts of thirty-one medical staff were exerted to carry out their eyebrowless Enthrallress’ every whim and the metal bucket was indeed ripped roughly off the bouncer’s bullet-shaped head. “Now, miserable mortal, you shall know regret!” hissed Adora. The night nurse thought otherwise. She’d tended Big Thick Eddie before, and she knew what came after the removal of the bucket. So did her dry-cleaners. “I shall rend your heart and… aaaaagh!” screamed the Enthrallress, as Big Thick Eddie rehearsed his entry for the How-Fast-Can-You-Projectile-Spew-It-Over-the-Bar Contest. “Aaaaaaaagh!” Seeing the object of their desire covered in second-hand Australian micro-lager, along with pizza, nine Big Macs, two thick shakes, and roughly half a stone of dry-roasted peanuts, none of which were in pristine condition as they were now presented, managed to break the charm on the staff at the PMH. They blinked, came to their senses, and all stepped back. Fast. “Euughhh!” screeched Adora. “That does it! Everyone dies! I’ll wipe out this miserable little city! My hair! My dress! These carrots will never come off! The… the smell!” “Sorry, miss,” said Big Thick Eddie. “But I feel much better now. Like I could manage a Chicken Vindaloo.” “Everybody get ready,” Grace O’Mercy called, sweeping back the curtain. “Here come the press photographers, doing that story on the ER.” “The… photographers!” screamed the Enthrallress. “Nooooooooo!” And she vanished in a hail of diced carrots and pre-owned pizza. A quart of coffee later and Big Thick Eddie was ready to go back on the wagon again. He picked up dull thud, literally, since the vending machine had somehow toppled onto him, and said his goodbyes to Nurse Grace. “I’m sorry about the mess in there,” he apologised again. “Don’t mention it,” the night nurse told him. “Nobody else will. Ever.” “Little bitch broke m’heart…” mumbled dull thud under Eddie’s right arm. ~~These odd couple relationships rarely work out,~~ Cressida comforted him. ~~I’ll send word to Donar that Adora’s out on the prowl again, get him to rein her in.~~ “Thanks,” Grace told the tapeworm. “Be good, Big Thick Eddie. Gotta go. Somebody’s just arrived claiming to have been impregnated by aliens, so it probably means Beeping Reg has bought another mask and is out on the pull again. Night all.” And the late shift at Phantomhawk Memorial went on. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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