Tales of the Parodyverse

#120: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: We Die At Dawn, or Finny’s Last Stand


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The Hooded Hood chronicles this stirring saga of one dragon and his pure thought being taking on the world while the Lair Legion eats Cheetos.
Sat Oct 11, 2003 at 05:59:10 am EDT
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#120: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: We Die At Dawn, or Finny’s Last Stand



Yo and Rabito by Dancer


Previously in Untold Tales: Lord Ultizon, an ancient mind-controlling sentience now clad in an indestructible adamantine body, has taken control over the Earth and seeks to extend his influence universally. His programme to cull four fifths of the planet’s population for its own good is almost ready to proceed. Meanwhile, most of the heroes not under mind control have been gathered by Amazing Guy in the questionable safety of the giant Vacuum Ship of Galactivac, the Living Death that Sucks. Only Fin Fang Foom and Yo remain on Earth to thwart Ultizon’s genocide.

Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom
Character descriptions in Who's Who in the Parodyverse
Location references in Where's Where in the Parodyverse


***


    The island state formerly known as Hawaii had been transformed by Earth’s metahumans. Every building had been levelled, every tree stripped away. In remarkably short time countless long grey concrete factories had been erected in their place, modern workplaces complete with plenty of on-site employee parking and comfortable staff rest areas. There was no designated smoking place though, because Lord Ultizon had told people not to do that.
    “It’s remarkable what the people of this planet can do given the right direction and leadership,” the Governor had said the night before the facility came on-line. “I’d like to extend grateful thanks to all those brave loyal superheroes – and former supervillains – who donated their time and efforts so freely and generously to this effort. And of course a special mention to NTU-150, without whom the technology just wouldn’t have been there to prepare these facilities, and to Ms Lisa Waltz, who did so much to keep up the workforce’s morale during the construction phase.”
    Lisa smirked.
    “8.30am tomorrow the facility goes on line, and Hawaii is proud to have the first working Human Resource Recycling Centre on Earth,” the Governor concluded. “Lord Ultizon has informed me that I will have the privilege of being the very first person into the liquidation chamber, but by the time we’re up to full operation we’ll be able to recycle up to half a million people a day.”
    The crowd went wild, cheering and shouting. After all, Lord Ultizon had told them this was a good thing.
    “Tomorrow, folks, we make history!” the Governor concluded.
    One of the men at the periphery of the crowd, a seedy hobo with a bad limp, turned away with narrow blazing eyes. “Only over my dead body,” growled Fin Fang Foom.

***


    “I don’t think I should be doing this,” Goldeneyed said again, for the ninth time.
    “You’re the deputy leader of the Lair Legion,” the Dark Knight replied. “Fin Fang Foom’s not here. Deal with it.”
    “But… you’re here. And Hatty. Either of you could…”
    “You accepted the job. This comes with the turf.”
    Bryan Katz shuddered. “But I’m not very good at it. I’ve screwed up so much, big time. They won’t follow me. Nats thinks I’m a dick, and DBS, well, I crippled him once and he’s not the forgiving type.”
    “Tough. Now get on with it.”
    G-Eyed glanced round the Lair Legion’s Meeting Room. The portraits of the founders seemed to smirk back at him. “All right,” he sighed. “Let’s… get Al B. Harper in here first. I want to know what Nats’ medical condition is.”
    Miss Framlicker tagged in beside Lair Legion’s scientific advisor. The atmosphere between them was so tense it was almost palpable.
    “So what happened to Nats?” DK demanded.
    “It turns out that the Psychostave contained the other half of the personality we know as Ultimate Ultizon,” Miss F answered curtly. “It tried using Nats as a vehicle for its ambitions to set off the Resolution War, but of course Nats proved defective.”
    “That’s not really fair,” Al B. interjected. “The Manga Shoggoth recognised what was happening and got us to take Nats to the Dead Galaxy, hoping to get him killed and have the Psychostave lost. Unfortunately we all survived.”
    Miss Framlicker gave him a chilling glare. “Go home. Your village is missing its idiot.”
    “It says in this report that Nats… died?” G-Eyed noted to offset the brewing quarrel.
    “Yes. Death was there and everything. But it turned out that she’d come for the Dead Galaxy, not Nats,” explained Al B. “We were able to revive him using the machinery of the Second Oldest Race.”
    “But the Psychostave sentience that was trying to possess him went elsewhere?” the Dark Knight checked.
    “Indeed,” agreed Miss Framlicker. “We’ve scanned Nats’ brain. It didn’t take long. He’s entirely himself again. The Resolution sentience appears to have gone off to join up with its Ultizon counterpart.”
    “Wonderful,” breathed G-Eyed.
    “The whole experience does seem to have fully stimulated Nats’ psionic gifts though,” Al B. Harper added. “His telekinetic and pyrokinetic abilities remain at the top of the range. He just doesn’t need the staff anymore. There may be other changes too, but we’ll need a lot more monitoring.”
    “He doesn’t seem any smarter,” Miss F concluded.
    “Nats seems fit to go back on the active roster,” Goldeneyed admitted when Al B. and Miss F had quarrelled their way out of the room. “I’m adding him to the mission team.”
    “Your call,” said the Dark Knight grimly.
    Bry sighed. “It is isn’t it? Right, bring in Pegasus.”

***


    “Because you’re a monomaniac dictator mass-murderer with the personality of cardboard and the social skills of a drunken warthog who deserves to be slowly disassembled and decompiled so that never again will a jumped-up computer virus ever get within five light years of taking over real people and doing this kind of damage,” suggested HALLIE. “Of course, that’s just the short version of my conclusions.
    Lord Ultizon frowned, his perfect metallic face somehow conveying his wrath. “Have a care, little program. Remember to whom you speak.”
    HALLIE gave a hologramatic shrug. “You asked me why Glitch wouldn’t interface with you. I answered.”
    “I need those communication codes she holds to take control of the Autobot race,” Ultizon declared. “I need a more galactic operations force since it is clear that the Lair Legion is no longer on Earth.”
    “Or anywhere you can find them,” HALLIE added. “They’re somewhere plotting to spank your butt.”
    “I am Ultimate Ultizon, the greatest pure sentience ever created! I have now been reunited with my lost psionic aspect and my powers expand daily. I am bringing the Parodyverse to its destined conclusion, the glorious Resolution War that is its purpose. I do not fear the Lair Legion!”
    “A few points,” suggested the LL’s sometimes-computer brain. “First, who cares what some unknown forces decided what the Parodyverse was for? It’s ours now, and we’d prefer not to have a final devastating battle, thanks anyway. Second, power doesn’t mean right. We’ve seen plenty of all-powerful tyrants, and in the end they all go the same way, adamantine exo-skeletons or not. And thirdly, if you’re not scared of the Legion then why are you obsessing so much about catching them?”
    Ultizon pulled HALLIE’s plug.

***


    Ziles found Dancer standing outside the transplanted Lair Mansion, beneath the vast dome of the interior of Galactivac’s Vacuum-Ship. The size of the hemisphere dwarfed the Legion’s old stone headquarters and even overshadowed the sprawling wings of the Lunar Library Complex that also occupied the hold. It was hard to comprehend anything so vast being artificially manufactured.
    “You okay?” Ziles checked, handing her companion a cup of coffee.
    “No,” admitted the Probability Dancer. She looked around. “He’s speaking to me.”
    “Who is?” Ziles checked for hidden watchers.
    “Galactivac, the Living Death That Sucks, the planet-hooverer. He knows I’m here.”
    “Oh.” Ziles tried not to take a step backwards.
    “When he first came to Earth he was seeking a herald, someone to find new worlds for him to devour. Somehow the person he picked managed to transfer their gifts into this little box Xander had, and eventually the box was given to me. But I don’t think Galactivac ever really worked out who I was – until now.”
    “He came when you summoned him to Skree-Lump,”
    “Don’t remind me,” winced Dancer. “I was tricked by the Supreme Interference into dooming a planet.”
    “Hey, that was his crime, not yours.”
    Sarah Shepherdson was pale. “Maybe,” she whispered, “but that’s the role of Galactivac’s herald. And now he’s realised I exist. Now he wants me on the job.”

***


    “Lord Ultizon!” gasped Jaimie Bautista, rising hurriedly from the workbench where he was tinkering with a last-minute adjustment of the new facility’s flesh-dissolving nozzle array. “I didn’t know you were in Hawaii!”
    “I’m not making my itinerary known just now,” the gold-coloured metallic entity told him. “With your rebellious erstwhile colleagues still at large I think it wiser if my actions and movements are covert.”
    “I’ve been trying to summons them, Lord Ultizon,” Lisa assured him. “There’s something about your wonderful mind control that seems to screw up my powers.”
    “Never mind. I’m sure they’ll turn up at some inconvenient moment. In the meantime I have another task for you, NTU-150.”
    “Master?”
    “I want you to find a way of cancelling out my biogenetic influence over humans. Invent something that prevents me controlling them, either through that Celestian metagene or via the Shadow Cabinet’s nanite infestation.”
    “Isn’t that a rather dangerous invention?” Lisa cautioned.
    “Yes. But if it can be made I need to know, so I can study it and find a way to counter it. Jaimie, can I count on you?”
    “Of course, Lord Ultizon. I’ll work round the clock until I come up with something.”
    “I’m sure. However, I want this discovery completed before morning.”
    NTU-150 winced.
    “When it’s done, test it on yourself and Ms Waltz. See if that sorts out her summonsing abilities.”
    “Of course, master,” Lisa agreed. “But might we not want to join the resistance if we’re not being controlled?”
    “Are you questioning me?”
    “No, master, of course not,” the amorous advocatrix answered quickly. “Well, maybe a little.”
    “I have faith in you, Lisa, that you’ll do the right thing,” the handsome robotic figure told her. “Get to it, NTU-150.”
    “Right away, master. I won’t let you down.”
    “I hope not.”
    The heroes’ surprise visitor nodded curtly to them and left the lab. He walked briskly down the corridor and into the stairwell. He waited until he was on the roof before he changed shape and flew away.

***


    “Any sign of improvement?” Sorceress wondered.
    Jay Boaz pulled off his nurse’s cap and shook his head. “He’s in total withdrawal,” he warned, gesturing down to the shivering, curled-up Chronic. “His vitals are all over the place, and he seems to be hallucinating.”
    “Steve,” muttered the stricken musician.
    “He’s separated from that guitar of his,” Whitney Darkness suggested. “He’s literally having withdrawal symptoms. Like an addict.”
    “A mystical thing?”
    “A diabolical thing. Nothing good will come of this,” predicted the Sorceress.
    “Whereas everything else is going so well,” scowled the capped crusader. “Maybe I should be in there with Bry…?”
    Whitney took him firmly by the arm. “Oh no, Mister Tactical Advisor. If you go interfering G-Eyed will immediately defer to you. He needs some space to do this by himself. To build confidence.”
    “His or the team’s?”
    “Both. We all know Bry screwed up with DBS. Even now Josh is wanting his head on a platter.”
    “He didn’t say head,” Hatman corrected her.
    “I got dull thud to take Josh to the bar and get him quietly drunk,” Whitney confessed. “We just need to give G-Eyed a bit of space to come into his own and make good, that’s all.”
    “Whit, we’re facing one of the biggest crises of the league’s history, maybe the worst if this really is the start of the Resolution War. Is this really the time to let a rookie take the helm?”
    “It’s always one of our biggest crises, Jay.” She looked at her lover carefully. “Aren’t you going to ask me to marry you this time? You usually do just before the world’s about to end.”
    “Would you say yes?”
    “No, but I like to hear it.”
    “Ah.”
    Sorceress nodded. “I thought so. You’re carrying a huge pile of unwarranted guilt because I got roughed up a bit in interrogation when we were captured, right?”
    Hatman looked away. “Possibly,” he conceded.
    “Because every time you refused to answer a question Mother Superior used her psycho-lash on me? Jay, that was the best compliment you’ve ever paid me!”
    “What?”
    “You knew I wouldn’t want you to give in because of me, and you stood firm. Same with me not surrendering because they hurt you.” Whitney smiled at him. “We’ve gone to a whole new level in our relationship.”
    “A sado-masochistic level?”
    Sorceress broke into a full wicked grin. “Well, maybe if you play your cards right tonight, lover…”

***


    The mess hall was packed with off-duty supervillains waiting for their turn on guard duty at the Hawaii complex. In the darkest corner, the Outcasts huddled in a sullen, lonely cluster. Across the hall, the Abhumans formed their own elite group, chattering readily and pushing other people around. A few folks hopped up and down uncomfortably outside the toilets and waited for the Yurt to come out with a sense of growing doom.
    The conversation was fascinating.
    “So eventually M.O.D.E.M. backed down and I got the 10% discount…”
    “Not so much an assassin as a torturer…”
    “Remove that tentacle or lose it, buddy…”
    “Cretins, I am the magnificent Professor Manyarms!”
    “You paid how much for that costume?”
    “They make such a lovely squishy sound when they break…”
    “Sure, I hear they’ve been more than sidekicks for years, y’know…”
    “Cretins, I am the puissant Balefire!”
    “Chainmail really rubs under the crotch, y’know…”
    “Best I am at what I do…”
    “Sure, th’ Dark Knight makes in his tights when he sees me… Uh, he’s not behind me is he?”
    “Once you’ve had a simian you’ll never go back…”
    “How long does it take one radioactive Russian peasant hut to go to the bathroom?”
    “Cretins, I am the terrible Thighmaster!”
    “No really. I hear if she actually wears underwear she loses all her powers…”
    “Frankly, I think he likes getting beaten up…”
    “Hey, this is great coffee. Much better than the crap they were giving us before…”
    “We are the next step in human evolution. We should be allowed to the bathroom first…”
    “Hey, I got your evolution right here, buddy…”
    “You’re right. This is damn good coffee. But it has a kind of… aftertaste.”
    “Hey, you, coffee gal. Whatch’a doin’ after your shift?”
    “Oh, coffee girl is to be going home to coffee girl’s big jealous boyfriending, sorry. But drink up coffee girl’s lovely special coffee, uncute villaining villains.”

***


    “AG? Um, Amazing Guy?”
    The Librarian looked up from a first edition of War of the Worlds and interrupted the Falcon’s questioning. “I really wouldn’t disturb him, if I was you.”
    Sam Wilson regarded at the star-speckled Protector of the Universe who floated above the Lair Mansion. “I really gotta find out what’s going on here,” he explained.
    “Well, at the moment AG is using his cosmic awareness and full energy-shunting powers to try and convince Galactivac the Living Death That Sucks not to consume us in a heartbeat, and to continue shielding us from Ultizon and the powers and principalities of the Parodyverse that now work for him,” L explained. “Are you sure you want to distract AG right now?”
    “Maybe not,” conceded Falc. “But I don’t get how we all got brought here in the first place.”
    “Well, at the moment the Celestians and the Constellation are engaged in a war of mutual destruction that is wiping out galaxies,” the Librarian offered, “Most of the humanoid cosmic office holders have been suborned by Ultizon. Of the available major players lest, AG concluded that Galactivac was the best alternative to form an alliance with.”
    “This is an alliance?”
    “Are we dead yet?”
    Falcon stared up again at the sweating, frowning Amazing Guy. “So if we’re allies why is he still straining?”
    “Negotiations are still underway. I think right now AG’s agreeing with Galactivac how many planets he’ll allow the Living Death to destroy after all this is over.”
    “Oh.”

***


    The dawn was a red smear on the horizon when Captain Amazing and his team were relieved.
    “I thought we weren’t supposed to go off duty till 8am,” growled Granny Fang suspiciously.
    “Look, this is a direct order from Lord Ultizon,” the creature looking just like Savagetooth answered. “I don’t ask questions about the boss’ orders. I just do it.” His companion, clad in the bucket-headed costume of a top HERPES operative, merely nodded emphatically.
    “You don’t look like a very strong team to protect the recycling core reactor,” Captain Amazing noted.
    “The rest’ll be along soon. Now bug off.”
    “Well… I could use a cuppa,” agreed Nun More Black, “And maybe a pint of Guiness.”
    “One moment, people!”
    The disguised Finny knew the plan wasn’t going to work as soon as he heard the voice of his old nemesis the Blackbird.
    “It occurs to me that a shapeshifting dragon might well seek to sabotage the operation before it commences, by taking the form of one of the metahuman guards,” Blackbird reasoned analytically. “Indeed, given that he was last seen retreating to the sub-dimension known as the Happy Place and was therefore absent with the pure thought being Yo at the time the Lair Mansion and all its occupants was transported elsewhere, it may well be that he is the last free hero now on Earth.”
    “You’re saying this is Fin Fang Foom?” demanded Granny Fang.
    “Yes,” sighed Blackbird, doomed to live in a world where almost everybody thought at a snail’s pace. “I’m saying this is Fin Fang Foom. In disguise. And Yo, the boy-girl wonder.”
    “Well, if the dragon’s out of the bag…” breathed Finny.
    Then he resumed his true form and wing-slammed Blackbird and the others into the wall before rising to his full height.
    Quake, Gromm, Huntingjustice Deathmarrow, Musk Ox, Roxx-Hoff, and Onslaughter were waiting for him.

***


Trickshot jostled his way into the meeting at the very last minute. “Outta th’ way, spooky,” he told the Dark Knight. “I ain’t missin’ out on this.”
Goldeneyed looked over at the angry archer. “Trickshot, this isn’t the time for…”
“You’re about ta question Pegasus about her being a lousy stinkin’ traitor, right?” the archer blurted. “About her only joinin’ the Legion ta spy on us fer those Constellation bozos an’ maybe ta do a little bit of assassination fer them?”
“She’s here for a preliminary interview, yes,” agreed G-Eyed.
“In private,” added Pegasus pointedly.
“Right. Cus she left Natalia ta die in a nuclear blast so she’s got lotsa rights!”
“She pulled you out of that same nuclear blast though,” DK pointed out.
“Unfortunately,” muttered Pegasus. “There wasn’t really time to be discriminating.”
Trickshot unslung his bow. “That’s it, sister. You an me, right here, right now.”
The winged woman didn’t move. “I’d slaughter you,” she said disdainfully.
“That’s enough!” G-Eyed shouted at the irritating archer. The Dark Knight laid a warning hand on Carl Bastion’s shoulder.
“Let him stay,” Pegasus declared. “I have nothing to hide. Let him hear my words.”
“Ha!” snorted Trickshot. “Nothin’ ta hide now!”
For the first time Penny Christopoulos looked a little abashed. “I’ve served the Constellation for a long time. Since the mythical age, really.”
“The Mythical Age?” G-Eyed checked.
“It was retconned by the Chronicler of Stories,” DK tossed in. “Like Atlantis and Avalon and Camelot.”
“They needed an agent to keep an eye on superhuman activity and I needed protection from the Wilde Huntsman. They granted me cosmic powers, I carried out the occasional mission for them.”
“Such as?”
“Such as joining the Scourge to monitor them. And joining the Legion.”
“Why were the Constellation interested in the LL?” Goldeneyed wondered.
“A team very much like the Legion is central to the Resolution War,” Pegasus explained. “There are many conditions that have to be met before the last battle, and a team such as this is one of them.”
“Whut other conditions?” demanded Trickshot.
“I don’t know them all,” the winger warrior answered. “But the coming of Galactivac, Hell on Earth, the fall of the Dreary Dimension, the downfall of Mr Lucifer, the Crisis on Multiple Earths, the visit from Technopolis and its return home, they were some of them. And you must have noticed how fragile reality is getting these days.”
“Oh yeah,” sighed G-Eyed. “Like when Vizh went missing, and when the Parodyverse broke. And that Not-So-Happy Place thing. And that Mayhem in the Mall stuff was…”
“That’s why you sabotaged Technopolis’ transdimensional jump engines for the Constellation,” DK reasoned. “To prevent that condition of the Resolution War being met.”
“I imagine so,” Pegasus agreed. “I’ve only just discovered about the Constellation’s affiliation to the Fairly Great Old Ones and their agenda to prevent the Resolution War from happening.”
G-Eyed sighed. “So I guess the question now is what do we do with you? Whose side are you really on?”
“Do?” shouted Trickshot. “We throw her in a cell and brick up th’ door! We can’t trust her and we sure as hell can’t let her go, so…”
“I’d like to stay in the Lair Legion,” said Pegasus quietly. “Please.”
“No way!” shrieked Tricky. “No-freakin’-way! If she stays I walk! I mean it!”
“Why should we let you stay on, Pegasus?” asked Goldeneyed.
“Because…” Penny Christopoulos blushed, “Because I like it. I like the feeling of accomplishing something good. But if you tell anybody I’ll kill you all!”
“See? She’s a murdering felon!” Trickshot yelled. “Nobody trusts her, nobody likes her, and nobody’s gonna work with her!”
G-Eyed shook his head. “Tricky, when I screwed up over Beth Shellett and De Brown Streak, I heard you busted in here to argue with Finny to keep me on the team.”
“Yeah. So?”
“So you bought me a second chance to make good.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“So how can I not give Pegasus the same chance?”
“Aww…” growled Trickshot. “Rats!”
The Dark Knight almost smiled.

***


    The battle had been raging for nearly an hour, the giant dragon and the pure thought being against the entire superhuman population of the planet Earth; well, those that hadn’t drunk the coffee anyway.
    Fin Fang Foom lashed his tail again, ignoring the acid cloud that was Gromm the Living Flatulence to scatter Gamona, Appendage Man, Swingy, and the real Savagetooth. He took three direct hits from Huntingjustice Deathmarrow before he trod on her.
    Around his feet, Yo tumbled in his/her Zorro costume, epee flashing as s/he fought off L’il Buttie, PsychoAcidPervGirl!, Enormous Irma, and Dead Boy. But it was clear that the battle was taking its toll.
    “Yo is… Yo is thinking that this cannot be going on much longer,” the genderless thought being confessed. It was getting harder and harder to think that the dozens of wounds s/he bore were inconsequential; and the villains kept on coming.
    “We don’t… give… in…” hissed Finny, struggling back to his feet after Onslaughter’s latest devastation. “This place… only opens… over my… dead… body…”
    “Yeah, that’s the idea,” laughed Quake, carving another chunk from the Makluan.
    “You are being not-nice people!” Yo almost sobbed. “Is not to be opening death-centre! Is not to be allowed!”
    “And who’s gonna stop us, thought-pulp?” laughed Peter von Doom, aiming his mind-scrambler.
    A series of repulsor-blasts bracketed the courtyard, sending the villains scrambling or tumbling. There was a whine of servos as a weapons system that could flatten a mountain carried an red and gold armoured exo-skeleton down to join Finny and Yo.
    “That would be us,” suggested NTU-150.
    “You… you got free?” Finny asked dazedly but happy.
    “Sure. Once I worked out how to integrate the VCR it was a snap.”
    “So there’s three of you to die instead of two,” snarled Onslaughter. “Even better.”
    “Not just three,” challenged Lisa, vaulting over the armoured villain’s head to join the others. “Not even four. I summons Robo-Donar!”
    There was a crash of thunder and a booming voice called out. “Mine lady?”
    “Oh yes,” the amorous advocatrix added brightly, “And I summons the Lair Legion!””

***


    “The world’s ending and you’re watching Transformers videos?” Somehow that didn’t seem right to De Brown Streak.
    “No,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! denied. “We’re watching Transformers videos and eating Cheetos.”
    “Which is much better,” ManMan chuckled from the sofa, waving an giant-size economy pack vaguely towards the sepia speedster.
    “If the world is ending we can hardly watch Transformers videos afterwards, now can we?” bubbled the Manga Shoggoth from the other armchair.
    “But there’s so many other things you could be doing,” DBS protested. “There are so many fine women out there.”
    “So why are you here lecturing the Transformers Fan Club?” wondered Knifey.
    DBS hadn’t got a good answer for that one.
    “Anyway, the world isn’t ending,” CSFB! assured him. “We’ll go on the mission tonight, find the Hooded Hood, do the old team-up-with-the-archvillain bit, retcon everything to reset, and then its business as usual.”
    “Unless all of this is one of the Hood’s twisty plots already,” ManMan warned.
    “You’re hoping it is,” noted Knifey. “That way he might not hold a grudge for you stabbing him with me.”
    “I was under outside control,” the Elvis impersonator protested. “He wouldn’t, y’know, be mad at me when I wasn’t in my right mind.”
    “Were you in your right mind when you were dating Troia?” asked DBS.
    “The Hood won’t be able to put things back to reset,” proclaimed the Shoggoth. “Things have gone too far and too deep. There are all kinds of forces at work here, too strong for him to overcome. If you want to save your world there will have to be some… sacrifices.” He leaned towards the screen. “Ah, this is a good bit.”
    “I’m going to find Whitney and give her one last chance to wise up about Hatman,” muttered De Brown Streak. “Before it’s too late.”

***


    Nats found Messenger in the Lair Legion File Room. “Hey, this is a members-only secure area. You’re not supposed to be here!”
    The postman didn’t care. “I was a member back before you were diaper-trained, flyboy.”
    “And then you were kicked out for killing people, remember?”
    “Yeah, sure. By the alien-controlled butler and the reformed mass-murdering dragon.”
    A sudden thought struck Nats “You ever regret it? Leaving the team?”
    “No. Never.”
    “Really? So it wasn’t kind of weird in a good way to find yourself back with us when we were all Ultizon’s happy puppets?”
    “The robot dies just for making me wear those Aran sweaters.”
    Nats noted that wasn’t the same as denying Messenger had felt something.
    “I was like you when I joined the Legion, you know,” Messenger said suddenly. “A wise-cracking starry-eyed punk. Then I died and found my true origins and came back changed and stuff.”
    “But…” worried Nats. “I died and found… um…”
    Messenger smiled nastily and turned to the files he’d pulled. “I was just doing a quick body count. This is turning into an expensive mission.”
    “Visionary, Fleabot, Natalia, Xander, Mumphrey, Bog-Thing, Johnstantine…” read Nats. “The costs keep getting higher, don’t they?”
    “But still you play by the old rules anyway,” the postman pointed out. “How many people have to die and not come back before you guys finally get smart?”
    Nats didn’t have a good answer to that.

***


    “So you’ve got a fern, right?” asked dull thud.
    “Yeah,” agreed spiffy. “And you? A tapeworm, is it?”
    “Right. Mine’s telepathic.”
    “Oh. Mine’s empathic.”
    “Good.”
    “Yes.”
    “Another beer?”

***


    There was a bright flash and suddenly the Human Recycling centre was full of heroes.
    “Hey, boys,” called Lisa. “The bad guys are that way.”
    “Lisa? You’re back on our side?” Nats checked. “I mean, as much as usual?”
    The first lady of the Lair Legion smiled wickedly.
    “Is it my imagination of are we surrounded by just about every super-villain on the planet?” asked dull thud.
    “It’s not your imagination,” worried De Brown Streak.
    “Right,” agreed Fin Fang Foom, rising bloody but unbowed behind them. “And now we kick their asses.”
    “Lair Legion,” called spiffy, “Line Up!”
    And they did.

***


In our next thrilling instalment: While most of our heroes make their heroic last stand against literally overwhelming odds, a few brave souls go clubbing and dancing. Join us for a dazzling evening out with the beautiful people at the exclusive Willow nightclub. See the rich and powerful at play. Watch the games of seduction and heartbreak. But be there. You have a special invitation from Lady Camellia of the Fey, and you don’t want to get on her bad side.

***




Finny and an unfortunate cheesemonger by Dancer


And Now a Word From Our Footnotes:

Nats and the Psychostave: Okay, now we can tell the full story. The Celestian Space Robots needed to stop the Fairly Great Old Ones from diverting the Parodyverse from its’ created purpose – the Resolution War. So they used a personification of the prophecy as a sentient thought, the Thinking Machine that has now evolved into Ultimate Ultizon. Another aspect of it was captured inside the Second Oldest Race’s Psychostave to stop the Hero Feeders from likewise destroying the planned future. The Psychostave fragment has been seeking to rebond with its other half over eons, but the best its managed is to work with and amplify various psionic mortals; until Ultimate Ultizon awoke. Then the Psychostave fragment arranged for its cane prison to be destroyed, tried to convert Nats into a suitable conduit for universal domination, gave up in disgust and leapt across the universe to join with its other half. All clear now?

Autobots: Kirk Boxleitner hasn’t yet clarified how the Autobots fit into the Parodyverse. We do know they exist a long way from the bits of the galaxy we know, and presumably there are two sides in an eternal struggle. Glitch was sent on long-term detached service to Earth to prevent things like Lord Ultizon’s taskover happening. Oops. Ultizon is so keen to interface with Glitch because he can get his hands on her communication codes back to the distant Autobot nation, and bring them under his control. However, he can’t get those codes from a controlled Glitch for the same reason that a controlled Lisa can’t summons heroes – it would make the plot too simple.

The Destruction of Skree-Lump, homeworld of the spacefaring Skree Empire, was arranged by its composite-engram computer emperor, the Supreme Interference, in UT#55, Untold Tales of the Lair Legion Out and About in the Big Wide Multiverse: Worlds Apart as a means of provoking his people to the next evolutionary step. His later plan to transform Earth into new Skree-Lump was rather spoiled by the Lair Legion in UT#88: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion World Tour Gardening Special.

Chronic and Steve: We still don’t really know the circumstances by which the young anarchist musician Chronic came by the Devil’s Guitar. Certainly other people have used similar instruments before – possibly the same one in other guises. We do know that ‘Steve’ is like an addiction to Chronic, and that prolonged separation causes withdrawal symptoms. There’s probably more story to tell here if and when poster Chronic is active again on the board.

The Outcasts are usually a band of sewer-dwelling mutates beneath Paradopolis who sometimes do criminal work-for-hire.

The Abhumans are a reclusive race of genetically-engineered superbeings who hide out far from mankind in their hidden Great Relief.

The Yurt, (Vlastimock Bogoff) is the result of nuclear accident combination of a Soviet worker and a Russian peasant hut. The stupider he gets the stronger he gets.

Savagetooth is a psychotic mutate with adamantine bones and claws. He’s the best there is at whatever it is he does, apparently.

Captain Amazing and his team of Nun More Black, Granny Fang, and (the absent) dull thud tend to work sporadically as superheroes when Amazing can get them to show up.

Blackbird was Finny’s most persistent and distinctive enemy from the days when there was a regular Fin Fang Foom series. A brilliant criminal mastermind, if anyone is going to figure out what the Makluan’s going to do next it’s him.

The Dogpile: Quake is a multi-powered killer from the future. Gromm the Living Flatulence is a genetically-created Deviate made up entirely of gas, Huntingjustice Deathmarrow is a kewl killer chick with guns, Musk Ox is the most powerful evolutionary experiment of the Low Evolutionary, Roxx-Hoff is the former admiral of the Skree Fifth Armada, and Onslaughter is an alien organic engine of destruction. Any one of them could give Finny a bit of bother, and some could probably pound him flat on their own. Poor Finny.

Signs of the Resolution War: The first coming of Galactivac was in The Hooded Hood and the Day of Galactivac. The Dreary Dimension fell in UT#22: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: The Things We Do For Love, or a Day in the Life of the Hooded Hood. Mr Lucifer was the prime villain at the end of the world in the Messenger series. We really need a Messenger archive. The Crisis on Multiple Earths took place over many chapters and is archived at Amazing Tales on the Net. Technopolis returned to its own world at the end of the Premiere series, aroundPremiere #48: Journey Into Vortex. The day the Parodyverse broke is described in Untold Tales of the Broken Parodyverse Special. The “Not-So-happy-Place” thing took place during the Dancer/Finny limited series archived at Dancer’s Diner. Vizh went missing thereafter, and that story hasn’t yet been completed (hint to Vizh). Mayhem in the Mall was… well it was an event.

Pegasus’ sabotage of the Technopolis transdimensional jump engines took place in Premiere #33: Mission Control. Now you know why.

Yet more people hitting Finny: Gamona is a green-skinned alien assassin. Appendage Man is a disgusting product of scientific research its best not to describe. Swingy is the master of the swinging arts. L’il Buttie is Jarvis’ never-was sidekick, PsychoAcidPervGirl! is CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s twisted younger sister, Enormous Irma is a very vast lady, and Dead Boy is usually a hero who happens to be dead but walking around. Peter von Doom is the Lair legion’s oldest enemy.

Robo-Donar a.k.a. the D.O.D(?) was created by NTU-150 to take the place of the absent Ausgardian hemigod in the League of Regulars. You are waiting for Gavin’s next (overdue) chapter on that, aren’t you?

ManMan accidentally assassinated the Hooded Hood in Premiere #22: Old Acquaintance.

I really have to start doing stories with less need for footnotes.

The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom
Who's Who in the Parodyverse
Where's Where in the Parodyverse

Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2003 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2003 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.



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