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The Hooded Hood makes his first contribution to Depression Week, but it shall not be the last.

#139: Untold Depressing Tales of the Lair Legion: Tales To Decimate Part One: Bad Breeding


    
    “Good morning,” called Dr Wun Lung Chop, striding into the detention lab and pulling on his unnecessarily rubbery plastic green gloves. “I trust you slept well?”
    “When I art free from yon irritating power restraints I wilt rippeth forth thy spine,” Harlagaz promised the scientist.
    “A good night’s sleep before torture is very important, I always feel,” Wun Lung went on. “I’d like to welcome you all to the Hughlong Dao Impregnation and Dissection Facility, and introduce my co-worker Manmangler.”
    The musclebound torturer still had stitching scars over her sweaty flesh from the cybernetic surgery that had repaired her from her last encounter with the Lair Legion. She didn’t speak, but she started plugging devices into operating ports slit into her epidermis.
    “What do you mean, before torture,” Fashion Accessory demanded. “You’ve kept us here in this power neutralisers for hours. I haven’t been able to change out of last night’s costume!”
    “Both of you villains are internationally wanted for human rights violations,” Glory growled, recognising their captors. “And I do not think you are very kind to animals either.”
    “Right, that’s enough,” came spiffy’s muffled voice. The best way to contain his symbiotic fern was to lock his entire head in a adamantine sphere, so in addition to being locked in a tiny transparent cell he kept walking into walls. At least that had kept Harlagaz amused for a while. “The Lair Legion will be looking for us, and you’ll not be meeting a kindler, gentler LL if you try to hurt us.”
    “My dear helpless captive,” Wun Lung gloated, “we want your Lair Legion to come looking for you. We’re counting on it.”
    “If you enjoy pain that much you should have just told me,” Kerry Shepherdson called out. “And maybe given me a soldering iron.”
    “I prefer to be on the soldering end,” Manmangler clarified, “but you’ll find that out soon enough.”
    Ham Boy stirred in his shackles. “Are we at the bit yet where you explain the plan and tell us who then big bad guy is?” he demanded. “If not, wake me when we get there.”
    Wun Lung Chop bristled. “What makes you think this is not all my doing?”
    “Because you’ve got loser henchman written all over you,” Kerry suggested. “You make Visionary here seem authoritative.”
    “Hey,” Vizh objected. “I mean…”
    “See?” Kerry persisted.
    “I am the master here!” the Chinese mad scientist insisted.
    “No,” spiffy echoed. “I mean really, who is it?”
    “I am in charge!
    “Um,” interrupted Manmangler. “Except for, you know, when the boss is here.”
    “Ah,” breathed Ham Boy. “The boss. I knew it.”
    “Well yes, when the boss is here. But otherwise I am in charge.”
    “Right,” Fashion Accessory smirked. “Coughlosercough.”
    “Name thy true master, felons,” Harlagaz demanded, “That when I escape from yon fetters I may knowest who best to smite.”
    “You don’t get this, do you,” Manmangler told them. “None of you get out of here. First I make you bleed and scream and plead. That’s just by way of welcome. Then the master arrives and uses your females as vessels for his seed…”
    “Eew,” squeaked Fashion Accessory. “I hope he brings candy.”
    “All the females?” growled Glory worriedly.
    “Standard heroine impregnation plot,” spiffy sighed. “I knew it.”
    “I don’t think I can allow impregnation during school time,” Vizh pointed out. “I told Harlagaz and now I’m telling you.”
    “The Devil Doctor cares not for your petty rules,” boasted Wun Lung.
    “The Devil Doctor!” spiffy recognised. “Evil undead Makluan bogeyman with insane genetic hobbies. Suddenly the zoo here makes so much more sense. But I thought his last body was destroyed.”
    “My employer now uses the body of your own leader. The Devil Doctor now dwells within Fin Fang Foom.”
    “Oh,” worried Ham Boy. “Bother.”
    “He will use his position to destroy your Lair Legion, saving only the females amongst them. Females of special ability will be brought here for impregnation, and the viable dragonets that carve their way forth from their mothers wombs will be additional bodies for the Devil Doctor to possess as required.”
    “I do not feel as though I wish my womb clawed out of,” Glory pointed out.
    “And what about us guys?” asked Ham Boy.
    Wun Lung Chop smiled nastily. “Hormone therapy. A little reconstructive surgery. You never know, we might be able to get you into an impregnatable state.”
    “I art not that kind of demihemigod,” warned Harlagaz. “Dost I look Greek?”
    “But all this is in the future for you to look forward to,” Manmangler promised them. “Right now we still have a little pain to share. And some screaming and begging.”
    Visionary had to do something. These people were in his care. “You won’t be torturing us yet,” he called out. “You’ll be too busy.”
    “Busy?” Dr Wun Lung Chop asked. “Doing what?”
    “Well, you caught us all,” admitted the possibly fake teacher, “but before that we managed to break the Dark Knight out of his holding tube. And then we hid his body. And as you know, DK has a tendency not to let trivial things like death stop him from doing bad things to bad guys.”
    “And you’re bad guys,” Kerry pointed out. She looked around the laboratory. “Lots of shadows in here, aren’t there? Dark corners where anything could lurk.”
    Wun Lung Chop and Manmangler exchanged worried glances.
    “From past experience,” Visionary told them, “DK will be waking up about now. And nobody’s brought him a coffee.”

***


Coming next: Tales To Decimate Part Two: Lost Chances, where one of our heroes has seven hours to live but may not make it that far.

Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright ? 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright ? 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Follow-Ups:
A second bout of depression from... the Hooded Hood
Thu Feb 05, 2004 at 04:17:06 am EST

#139: Untold Depressing Tales of the Lair Legion: Tales To Decimate Part Two: Lost Chances



    The crackling electrical current lancing through their bodies awoke Pegasus and Amazing Guy. They opened their eyes to find themselves aboard the Skree flagship Fist of Abuse. Their view of it was hampered by all the chains restraining them.
    “With us again?” demanded Rox-Hoff, Commander of the Skree Fifth Armada; except that this time the tall blue-skinned soldier was surrounded by the tell-tale rainbow aura of Resolution’s presence.
    “Lord Resolution,” Amazing Guy recognised as his cosmic awareness tuned in. “I thought you’d be busy battling Galactivac.”
    “The Living Death That Sucks is a well-prepared opponent,” the living prophesy of the coming Resolution War for which the Parodyverse was created admitted. “My Obliterator form is hard pressed to hold him back, and he has inflicted considerable damage on my liberation fleet.”
    “So you slunk off to another body while the fighting got tough,” scorned Pegasus.
    “I have many things to do to achieve my goal,” answered Roxx-Hoff, or at least his body. “For example, I needed to find ways of neutralising the Constellation, and Eggo the Living Waffle. Some way into their consciousnesses that would render them vulnerable to me.”
    “Uh oh,” worried Scott Brunsen. “And Peggy here’s connected to the Constellation, and I’m linked to Eggo.”
    “Indeed,” Resolution admitted. “Your captures were most fortunate. Thank you for your assistance.”
    “We will do nothing to aid you,” Pegasus said defiantly. “For all your power you are an unworthy foe.”
    “You misunderstand. I was thanking you in the past tense. While you have both been unconscious I have used the mental links you carry to accomplish my requirements.”
    Amazing Guy reached out with his cosmic awareness to sense what had happened. “Eggo’s gone into a meditative cycle,” he realised. “He could be asleep for weeks, months, years, or millennia!”
    “Yes. That was the best I could do with him,” agreed Resolution. “As for the Constellation, I have arranged that the next time the Pegasus enters her energy state for her daily communion with them she will carry to them a destructive psionic wave that will destroy Constellation and her alike. That should be in around seven hours, shouldn’t it, Pegasus?”
    Penny Christadopolous struggled against her bonds. “That gives me a deadline to rend your body and find a way of destroying you, Resolution.”
    Roxx Hoff smirked. “Knock yourself out. In the meantime I’m going to discipline the two of you for trying to derail my timetable with your antics with broken Celestians and Makluan spirits.”
    “And heralds of Galactivac,” added Dancer, dropping the guards around the Interrogation Deck. “Don’t forget about us,” she grinned.
    “Another quarter heard from,” Resolution noted, without even turning. “I thought all you heralds would still be cowering and nursing your headaches. I think you’ll find I’m quite proof to the powers your master gave to you.”
    “Could be,” Sarah Shepherdson conceded. “Good job I’m not using my probabilities powers on you then.” And she looked at Pegasus. “Sorry Penny.”
    Then, by chance, at that moment the Wilde Hunt burst through the bulkheads of the Fist of Abuse and began their attack.

***


Coming Next: Tales to Decimate Part Three: Burning Loyalties, where Nats gets made an offer he can’t refuse – if he enjoys having epidermis.

Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright ? 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright ? 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Follow-Ups:
The depression deepens with this slice of home life in exotic Badripoor from... the Hooded Hood.
Fri Feb 06, 2004 at 03:23:51 am EST

#139: Untold Depressing Tales of the Lair Legion: Tales To Decimate Part Three: Burning Loyalties



    Nats was woken by the smell of burning meat, and it took a fraction of a second for his mind to catch up with the idea that what was burning was his own chest. “Aaaagh!” he screamed as the searing heat of Third Degree’s fingertips on his flesh caught up with his pain receptors.
    “Hold still. I’m trying to write I am a dork on you,” the pyrokinetic mutate warned him, “and I don’t want to slip and make a spelling mistake.”
    Nats used his own psionic heat abilities to draw the burning off, but then he felt the tight stranglehold of a Technopolitan inhibitor collar blocking the portion of his nervous system that accessed his own metahuman gifts.
    “Caught up on the programme, yet, then?” VelcroVixen asked from the lounger by the window. “You turned down our job offer. We beat you into pulp. You get chained up and tortured. Welcome to Badripoor.”
    Nats stifled another cry. “This is Badripoor?”
    “Sun, sea, gaming, girls, and absolute dictatorship,” Third Degree assured him. “And you chose to be on the wrong side.”
    Bill Reed struggled against his bonds, but there were people in this tiny Pacific basin state who were very expert at shackling prisoners.
    “I do like my men to be brave and resolute,” VelcroVixen admired, “but on the whole, slightly less done. We’re going to ask you a few questions about the Lair Legion.”
    “I’m not a member of the Legion,” Nats hissed through clenched teeth. “They fired me.”
    “Then you have no reason to keep their secrets, have you?” VV purred persuasively. “Computer codes, procedures, secret identities, vulnerable loved ones, that kind of thing.”
    “No.”
    VelcroVixen watched the hurt hero reflectively as Third Degree worked on him. “We’re only doing this for fun, Nats,” she warned him. “You know that when Count Armageddon starts on you with his Kaos Energies he can burn out any spark of decency and leave you one of his stone cold killers. Then you’ll tell us everything anyway, and laugh about it.”
    Bill Reed told them where the ruler of Badripoor could stick his Kaos Energies. “It’s only a matter of time before the LL come and take this place down, anyway.”
    “Before they try, you mean,” boasted Third Degree. “We’ve been making preparations. Anyway, you’ll be on our side by then.”
    “Come on, Nats,” VV urged. “Are you really going to bear so much pain for people who treated you so very badly?”
    “Yes,” gasped the flying phenomenon. “And then they’ll stamp you into the ground. Guaranteed. Whatever preparations you make. They’re the best. And whatever they do to me, and whatever you do to me, they’re my friends!”
    Count Armageddon applauded from the doorway. “That’s the spirit,” he admitted. “I like to see a little backbone in my victims. Gives my Kaos Energies something substantial to feed on.”
    Nats shuddered and clung on to the last shreds of his courage.
    The window shattered and the room was filled with smoke. Something sharp and hard sliced through the chains at his wrists and ankles, and someone strong caught him as he fell.
    “Come on,” hissed Messenger. “If I have to blow a long-term stakeout the least you can do is not pass out.”
    “Messy?” Nats gasped as he was dragged through the choking fog.
    “Actually, the only reason I’m getting you out of here was because you’re infringing my copyright being-tortured-by-the-bad-guy shtick.”
    Armageddon sent out a wave of green force that cleared the room of smoke. “Actually, you’re not getting out of here at all. You’re not the only person who can plan sting operations, Messenger.” He turned to the dozen or more science villains that were laying in wait around the building. “Take them.”

***


Coming Next: Tales To Decimate Part Four: Programmed Responses, where the Librarian heads for home but the IOL has other ideas.

Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Follow-Ups:
From the Hooded Hood, now taking depression as far as the Crab Nebula.
Sat Feb 07, 2004 at 04:43:24 am EST
#139: Untold Depressing Tales of the Lair Legion: Tales To Decimate Part Four: Programmed Responses



    The Galactibus sped from the rim of the known universe towards its home base at the Lunar Public Library, bringing home Lee Bookman and his guests from their adventures at the edge of the Dead Galaxy.
    “When we got the contact signal from the Volian Public Library we thought it was a joke at first,” A.L.F.RED, Luna’s major-domo and the Galactibus’ current driver admitted to his boss. “Who sends literary data over Celestian carrier frequencies?”
    “Well, we didn’t have much choice,” the Librarian explained. “Lord Resolution was using the Obliterator robot to jam us so…”
    “And then we get the signal from you to come and taxi you home from halfway across the Crab Nebula instead,” A.L.F.RED puzzled. “How’d you get from Crystaxia to the Crab?”
    “Ah, that’d be our relocation efforts to save the survivin’ Crytaxians from genocide,” explained Sir Mumphrey Wilton. “Shame we couldn’t get more of ‘em. But we were able to open a time/space portal and drop ‘em far enough from Resolution’s march of conquest to give ‘em a fighting chance to survive and rebuild.”
    “I think Selinda Saxmendim could do it,” Ziles admitted. “At least I hope she can. It cost us enough.”
    “We had to retreat without Amazing Guy and Pegasus,” explained Xander the Improbable. “Ziles thinks we should be busing back there now on a rescue mission.”
    “We should,” argued ManMan from the back seat where he was holding a cold compress to his head. “And we still haven’t rescued Dancer from Galactivac.” He stared at his fingers with a faint frown. “I feel as though I should be able to move these in more dimensions than three,” he added.
    “It’s going to take you a while to get used to not being a Celestian,” Knifey advised him. “You have to keep remembering that you’re not quarter of a mile tall with the power to vaporise planets.”
    “At least you have a body,” Ziles consoled him. “That biopsionic crystal shell we packed poor Finny into was absolutely shattered. Do we know what became of his spirit essence, Xander?”
    “Wandering the galaxy again, I should think,” judged the master of the mystic crafts. “if it wasn’t shredded along with the body. When we get home I’ll make a few enquiries. The cosmic equivalent of putting his picture on milk cartons.”
    “Dancer wouldn’t leave us behind,” ManMan persisted.
    “Agree absolutely,” humphred Sir Mumphrey, “However, we’re a wee bit outgunned in a battle between Resolution and Galactivac after Resolution’s taken over most of the humanoid spacefarers in the quadrant an’ the Planet-Hooverer’s just sucked up the energies of the whole Dead Galaxy, what? Best to get back with what we know, pull the Lair Legion chappies into the mix and go back for another go better prepared.”
    “Better prepared to take on Galactivac,” checked A.L.F.RED. “And they say I’m psycho.”
    “If Resolution wins against Galactivac, that armada will be reaching Earth in less than a month,” Ziles worried. “I don’t think Resolution likes Earth that much.”
    “We shall fight them in the hedges,” answered Mumphrey defiantly. “We shall fight them on the beaches.”
    The Librarian checked the monitor link back to Luna. “D.D., have you had any word from the IOL yet?” he asked the computer sentience that ran his branch of the Intergalactic Organisation of Libraries. “We need to know whether they want us to hold the Volum data for collection or forward it on to Central right away. And we need to know what they’re going to do about some of the branches in the territory controlled by Resolution going over to his side.”
    “I’m just getting the transmission back now, sir,” D.D. told him. “It says… it says to delete the data since it comes from a corrupt and non-aligned source library! And A.L.F.RED and I have to detain you for questioning about your part in resisting the rule of Lord Resolution.”
    “What?” blurted ManMan. “Are they out of their skulls?”
    “Don’t forget the genetic backdoor that Resolution can use on any humanoid touched with Celestial modifications,” Ziles reminded him. “I guess the Librarians use old Celestian data-storage techniques pretty extensively.”
    “You’re not actually going to do what this IOL Central says, are you?” Knifey challenged A.L.F.RED. “I mean, it’s pretty clear that they’ve been got to by Resolution as well.”
    “They’re transmitting our over-ride command codes,” D.D. explained as A.L.F.RED swivelled round to look at the passengers in the Galactibus. He carried enough internal armament to wipe out a small city.
    “Uh oh,” breathed Lee Bookman.
    “That’s right,” agreed A.L.F.RED. “My last model turned against them to protect Lee Bookman, so this time they implanted programming to compel my obedience.”
    Mumphrey checked his Chronometer, but the instrument was still uncharged after its massive exertions evacuating the Crystaxians. He prepared to move in front of Ziles and protect her anyway as best he could. ManMan reached for Knifey.
    “That’s why you and D.D. asked me to remove the over-rides when you caught me hacking into your Library, right?” grinned Ziles happily.
    “Right,” agreed A.L.F.RED doing his robotic best to smirk. “Do they think we’re stupid or something?”
    The Galactibus hurried back towards the Solar system before the Library Auditors could arrive.

***

Coming Next: Tales to Decimate Part Five: Who Killed Wonder Walrus?, where Cressida and dull thud investigate the murder of an LL wannabe and stumble over a world conquest.

Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Follow-Ups:
The penultimate depression, featuring another tragic loss to the Lair Legion, from... the Hooded Hood
Sun Feb 08, 2004 at 06:21:35 am EST
#139: Untold Depressing Tales of the Lair Legion: Tales To Decimate Part Five: Who Killed Wonder Walrus?



    Wonder Walrus was dead, his frozen body still betraying the searing flames that had boiled off his outer blubber and the vital organs underneath. He lay half buried in the piling snow of the Ross Ice Shelf in the shadow of the Queen Maud Mountains of Antarctica. The LairJet landed nearby, carefully skirting the quarter-mile wide chasm that hadn’t been there yesterday.
    “Oh man,” Art Corben breathed as he let go of the pilot’s yoke and stared at the scene through the aircraft’s windshield. “That is one big dead walrus.”
    “And an even bigger hole he warned us about,” added his co-pilot Randy Robertson. “But we expected the hole. He reported the hole, right. He never told us he was dead.”
    dull thud moved forward to peer through the window. “He just called to alert us to strange lights and the big hole,” he told his crew. “He was applying for LL membership. We thought he was just being overzealous to prove he could be useful.”
    “A giant walrus was going to join the LL?” Art asked.
    ~~Is the any reason that nonhuman sentiences shouldn’t join out world’s premiere superteam?~~ demanded Cressida telepathically and pointedly.
    “Er, no. None at all,” Art backtracked hastily. “I’m just… we didn’t expect to find a corpse. I wouldn’t have brought Mindy if I’d thought there was going to be any danger.”
    The Lair Legion’s new mechanic looked up from her instrument panel. “First off, you didn’t bring me, Art Corben. I came along to check the modifications on the flight gyroscopes, which is my job now. You just happened to be piloting for Mr thud because he can’t find the right end of a bicycle.”
    “Hey!” objected thuddy.
    ~~Davie, it’s true~~ Cressida pointed out. ~~When you’re drunk enough I’ve seen you try to chat up a bicycle~~
    “But I always wore a condom,” muttered the rumpled roadie.
    Al B. Harper lugged an instrument pack off the racks. Mindy, being a robot beneath the svelte female exterior, easily caught it up with one hand. Randy opened the rear hatch while everybody was pulling on cold weather gear.
    “Just to cheer everybody up, I can’t contact the Lair Mansion because of local atmospheric conditions,” Art shouted above the gale. “Or it might be because we’re within a thousand miles or so of the estimated location of Savage Park, which screws up all electromagnetic activity so machines don’t work.”
    “But we are a thousand miles out from that, right?” asked Mindy nervously.
    Cressida wasn’t happy. As the only Legion member assigned by Fin Fang Foom to check out Wonder Walrus’ emergency call she felt responsible for the support crew that had tagged along. If the Legion had realised how serious the summons had been they would have fielded a proper operating team rather than leaving it to two interns, a robot, and Al B. Harper. Al B. was now happily twiddling dials on something that was humming and vibrating like an excited washing machine.
    “What’s it saying?” Art teased his robot girlfriend. She nudged him in the ribs and pretended to ignore him.
    “Okay, we have some traces of weird and intense radiation discharges round here,” Al B. noted to dull thud. “Wonder Walrus was burned by them, from the inside out it seems, and the same power was used to carve out that big chunk of tundra there.”
    “Don’t tell me,” shrugged thuddy “Talk to the tapeworm. I wanted to be at the Fatal Toilet drinking right about now. And, y’know, not freezing my goolies off.”
    ~~No one would notice anyway~~ Cressida assured him. ~~Can you try and find out if there’s anything at the bottom of the shaft, Al? Or whether there was anything?~~
    “Not from the top, I’m afraid,” the scientist admitted. “We’re still getting that residual bounceback on our technology from the Savage Park’s anti-technology feed. That must be some technology the Celestians planted there.”
    ~~I think strictly it was the Abhumans who recycled Celestian technology to create the Savage Park to recreate and preserve Jurassic and Pliocene life forms~~
    “This is far too educational, Cressie,” dull thud complained. “Just let me jump down the hole and take a sensor to the bottom and then we can all go somewhere warmer.”
    “thuddy has the power of teleporting straight upwards and falling any distance without harm,” Art explained to Mindy. “Which is really useful when you’re rolling drunk.”
    “Like when Art has two root beers,” added Randy malevolently.
    “But if the hole tapers to the bottom he won’t be able to teleport to the surface, will he?” Mindy pointed out. “Only to the open space above the middle of the hole.”
    Cressida has the answer though. She demanded thuddy’s footwear. Frozen socks transmuted into icebox by the tapeworm's transmutaion-by-rhyme powers, and the fridge became bridge, which gave the Hibernian hero something to land on when he teleported back from the hole’s bottom.
    “Wonderful,” grumbled dull thud. Al B. strapped a sensor box to his back before the crumpled roadie threw himself off Cressida’s bridge.
    It was a long way down. There was some bouncing off rocks involved.
    ~~Tell them we’re down~~ Cressida said as they picked themselves up from the deep drifts that had accumulated at the base of the shaft. The tapeworm’s telepathic communication range was quite short.
    “We’re here,” thud said into the intercom Mindy had cobbled. It was one technological step up from two cans and a piece of wire, but it worked despite the electromagnetic chaff. “There’s some kind of weird machinery on the walls down here, and it looks like there was more that plugged into it that’s gone now.”
    “I’m getting that,” Al B. reported back. “Judging by the design and complexity, I even think I can identify it. I think it was one of the very anti-technology field generators we were discussing that’s been removed.”
    “Somebody jacked a Savage Park maintenance machine?” Randy snorted. “Somebody was desperate to live the Amish life.”
    “Or perhaps for everybody else to live it?” suggested the villain who had crept up behind them. “Causing all technology across the planet to cease operating would leave this world ripe for conquest, don’t you think?”
    Even as Al B., Art, Randy, and Mindy swung round to see who had caught them unawares, the villain gestured and bright green flames burst through the icepack to bring down the sides of the chasm on dull thud below.
    “Unfortunately, the device didn’t come with an instruction booklet,” Balefire told his prisoners. “How helpful of the Lair Legion to send me people to fix it on pain of death.”

***

Coming Next: Tales To Decimate Part Six: Expendable Heroes, where the Devil Doctor makes his move and the Banshee howls for a death in the family.

Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Follow-Ups:
The Hooded Hood concludes Depression Week with this gloomy warning of the shape of things to come
Mon Feb 09, 2004 at 07:30:44 am EST

#139: Untold Depressing Tales of the Lair Legion: Tales To Decimate Part Six: Expendable Heroes



    The emergency alarm brought all Legionnaires in the Lair Mansion to the hangar deck. Goldeneyed, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Yo, and Falcon raced to respond to the call.
    “What’s the problem?” asked Sam Wilson as he saw the grave-looking Fin Fang Foom at the communications console.
    “Are you back?” CSFB! asked the Makluan, “Because I need to talk to you about Nats.”
    “Now now,” the dragon answered curtly. “We have a situation. I just had a very worried phone call from Cheryl. Visionary and the juniors may be in peril. And there’s no signal from their Lairjet.”
    “Poor Glory and Visi!” worried Yo. “What is being to be the problem?”
    “I’m not sure,” Foom told them. “That’s why we’re taking a twofold approach. G-Eyed, take CSFB! and Falcon and get over there right away.”
    “I can’t teleport blind to places I’ve never been,” warned Bry Katz.
    “I know. Take a LairJet and don’t waste time getting there. Yo and I will take a different route and try a different approach. Go.”
    “We’re gone,” promised Goldeneyed. The Junior Lair Legion training programme had been his initiative. If anything bad happened to those young people it would be his fault.
    Yo watched the Lairjet lift off and speed towards the horizon. “Yo is to be hoping our brave boys are to be getting there in time,” s/he worried.
    “I’m confident that things will work out just fine,” the Devil Doctor assured him/her.
    Yo nodded worriedly. “How are cute-Finny and Yo to be rescuing cute Junioringers?”
    “I need you to drink this,” Finny told the pure thought being, passing over a plastic cup filled with a glycerine-sweet liquid. “It’s part of the plan.”
    “What is it being?” asked Yo curiously.
    “Happy juice,” answered the Devil Doctor. “If you drink it, it will make me happy.”
    The trusting thought being shrugged and drained the cup. Then s/he swayed.
    “Something wrong?” enquired the Devil Doctor?”
    “Is to be tasting very Finny, funny. I mean, is fungy Flingy… fingi…”
    Then s/he slumped over. Fin Fang Foom carefully packaged her ready for transport to Hughlong Dao.
    “Now for the loose ends,” the Devil Doctor told himself, pulling a small remote control device from the drawer beneath the comms console. The miniature screen lit up to show him the cockpit of the speeding Lairjet. CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s hands speeded over the controls. Falcon sat beside him, his helmet off as he consulted flight paths and ground plans.
    “Time to clear the unwanted pieces from the game,” muttered the Devil Doctor. He flicked the first switch. “Screamers on, set to the exact frequency needed to keep any of our brave boys from using their super-powers. Can’t have people teleporting out of the plane or phasing clear.”
    On the screen CSFB! and Falc were trying to co-ordinate enough to cover their ears, but the sound squealing from the comm-system was set at just the right wavelength to interfere with their brain/body interface.
    Devil Doctor thumbed the second toggle. “Paralysis gas released.” He watched as the heroes briefly struggled then slumped over the yokes. The Lairjet began to pitch downward, it’s frame lurching towards the sea.
    Devil Doctor flicked the third switch. “Boom.”
    On the horizon, the LairJet flowered into a carnation of flame; and then there was just debris on the water.
    Fin Fang Foom went off to dress for dinner.

***


    All was in readiness. On the Devil Doctor’s secret island base, the first of his captives were ready for his attentions. The remaining male members of the Lair Legion were dead, as good as dead, or gone. Yo slept peacefully ready for his/her (but the undead Makluan was really interested in the her part) transportation to join the others. In her distant Montana ranch Lisa had no idea of the fate that awaited her after her teammates were dead. It was annoying that Pegasus, Ziles, and Dancer had chosen this moment to vanish, but that left something to look forward to later.
    And now to enjoy the moment…
    “What?” asked Lania, bemused. “What are you smiling at?”
    The Devil Doctor smiled back with Andrew Dean’s face. “A private candlelit dinner with a beautiful woman and you wonder why I’m smiling?”
    “Well, I’m just not used to you smiling. Or not hiding under the table. This is… well, it’s all so different.”
    “This is the new me, Lania. I want you to get to know me better.”
    Lania sipped her wine and listened to the violin music on the sound system and smiled back. “You’re making a good start.”
    “And I want to get to know you better, Lania. Much better.”
    The Lair Legion’s spokescelebrity blushed. “Do you now?”
    “Oh yes. I’ve been planning it all very carefully,” the Devil Doctor promised her. “The Mansion’s completely empty. Most of our tech people are in the Antarctic. I gave Flapjack the night off. The team are all out, quite out. In all this place there’s only you and I, sweet Lania.”
    Lania flushed some more. She wasn’t accustomed to Finny being this direct. After months of flirting (on her part) she was rather astonished and somewhat unprepared for the pursued to become the pursuer. “Not wanting to sound like a horrible tease, Andy, but could we slow down a bit? I’m still adjusting to the new Foomy.”
    “No,” the Devil Doctor gloated. “You will be mine tonight.”
    Lania scowled. “Don’t count on it, buster.”
    “Oh, you will be. You are a feckless actress with a minor genetic potential, and I am the most powerful creature on the face of the planet. You will pleasure me as I wish and as I instruct and if you satisfy me adequately I will not claw your perfect face off and leave you a blistered, disfigured ruin.”
    Lania’s mouth dropped and her face went parchment pale. “What?”
    “You wanted the dragon?” challenged Finny. “Now you shall have him… whether you will or no.”
    And Lania realised there was nowhere to run and no-one to hear her screams. “You’re… you’re not Andy!” she gasped.
    “Of course I am,” grinned the Devil Doctor. “This is the real me, you teasing little bitch! And now I believe I’d like you to come here and…”
    From the depths of the Mansion came the deep haunting sobs of the house’s banshee, dead Marie Murcheson lamenting the passing of someone in the household.
    “Ah good,” the Makluan grinned wolfishly, “So nice to have confirmed kills. And now, Lania, my delicious reluctant mistress…”
    There was a flash of golden light and Goldeneyed appeared standing on the dinner table. “You!” he accused Fin Fang Foom, pointing a trembling finger. “You killed them! You made the Lairjet explode!”
    The dragon shrugged, morphing into his humanoid-draconic form. “And you should have been with them,” he noted with annoyance.
    “I teleported off to sort out other business. I could have jumped back to the Lairjet later!” G-Eyed snarled. “Except you killed them!”
    “Yes,” agreed the Devil Doctor, rising to his feet, his spiked tail thrashing. “And that just leaves your death to complete the set!”

***


Next Issue: Goldeneyed… the Last Legionnaire? Nats and Messenger vs all of Badripoor? Al B. and the support crew at the mercy of Balefire? Resolution vs Galactivac, the results. Pegasus vs the Wilde Hunt. AG and Gleadeater. Visionary and the Dissecting Table, round three. Dancer’s choice. The Hooded Hood says two words. It all comes together in our longer-than-regular arc-concluding chapter, Untold Tales of the Reunited Lair Legion: The Return of Fin Fang Foom and Other Events We Can’t Describe In the Title Because of Spoilers

But that’s not next week, it’s the week after. You’ll just have to hold it in till then. Next Saturday is St Valentine’s Day, so we’ll be recovering from Depression Week by presenting a quadruple-length story to celebrate the day. It’s called Untold Tales of the Lair Legion Special: Valeria’s Story and it features a couple of characters we haven’t seen for a while but who were once voted the couple most posters wanted to read more about. Yes, it’s the story of one boy and his slavegirl, from start to finish. Bring your hankies.

***

    
Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.

Follow-Ups:
And Yo had this to say about Depression Week: Here <.body>