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Post By The Hooded Hood serves up this fine old traditional Parodyverse story with all the trimmings. Read it while it's hot. Sat Mar 06, 2004 at 09:36:31 am EST |
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#143: Untold Antarctic Tales of the Lair Legion: Something Abhuman This Way Comes | |
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| #143: Untold Antarctic Tales of the Lair Legion: Something Abhuman This Way Comes Previously: CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Sorceress, Yo, dull thud and Cressida, along with the newly reinstated Nats and new probationary member the Manga Shoggoth are heading to the Antarctic to search for missing support team Al B. Harper, Art, Randy, and Mindy, little realising that the missing people have been kidnapped by the villainous Balefire in the first move of a dangerous world-conquest plan (are there any safe ones?).  The Antarctic winds battered at the Lair Legion as they trudged their way across the icefield to check on the last of their targets. Someone had stolen one of the vast buried devices that maintained the dinosaur playground called Savage Park, and appeared to have stolen four of the LL’s support personnel as well. dull thud hadn’t seen who had done it on account of being buried under several tons of tundra at the time. “Well?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! asked impatiently. They’d checked four other sites for the ancient Abhuman equipment now and they hadn’t been surprise-attacked even once. He was getting impatient. “It’s down there,” Sorceress sensed. “I can feel it in the earth, unnatural, churning.” ~~So whoever took that machine just needed the one~~ Cressida the wonder worm concluded. ~~We will have to go back to the Mansion and get those sensor readings from the first site properly analysed.~~ “That would be good,” complained Nats. “Does nobody care that I was being tortured by Badripoorians before I got summonsed by Lisa into the evil-Finny fight and then got sent straight away to trudge over the entire South Pole?” A quick check suggested that nobody did. “They gave you a toilet break, didn’t they?” dull thud shrugged. He was still miffed because, having finally been allowed to bring his CD player on a mission, Cressida was silencing the music by psionically converting beat to heat to keep them all alive. “Yo is thinking we are not to be giving up so easily,” Yo suggested. S/he had dropped Rabito in the snow to play and was now trying to dig the purple thought bunny out from the nine foot drift it had sunk into. “Yo is to be thinking we are going back to big uncute hole and be looking at it again.” “Perhaps it would be best to dismantle one of these remaining Abhuman contrivances and reverse engineer it?” suggested the Manga Shoggoth. “It is said that they were created during the days when the Abhuman race was warring with the Deviates to develop a hidden location where Abhuman genetic experiments could be conducted. In addition to resurrecting various extinct animals the Abhumans also used their plot-Enhancing Mists to do other interesting things in what you humans have termed Savage Park.” “I do not believe that the Savage Park could maintain its anti-technology fields and microclimates if another of the devices was removed,” admitted Sorceress. “If we took another of these gizmos offline we’d be killing everything in the Park.” “And this is not acceptable?” checked the Manga Shoggoth. “We could still retain any genetic coding of significance for later study.” “It’s a cultural thing, not slaughtering stuff,” CSFB! explained. “Kind of like how martial artists are supposed to protect the weak in Ranma 1/2? Like when Ryoga protects his fallen enemy Ranma in volume 11?” “Ah,” comprehended the loathsome elder beast. “Thank you for the translation.” “Can we get back now?” Nats scowled. “Now that dull flaming thud has mentioned toilet breaks.” ~~Got all the readings you need, Manga Shoggoth?~~ Cressida checked. “Yes thank you. Although I am slightly puzzled by the life-form readings concealed behind that barrier of invisibility over yonder.” “The what?” shouted Nats, just as the icefield exploded underneath them. Al B. Harper’s head felt as if it would explode as he awoke to find himself chained to the wall. Not high-tech easy-to-suborn chains, either. These were mediaeval manacles welded shut. He tried to remember what kind of date it had been. “Gaah!” he gasped as the hulking girl stared down at him. “Gaaah!” she winced. “I get a headache just scanning him. Not only does he have a pounding head, but it’s full off… stuff. Long long chains of it, like equations, all writhing around as if they were alive.” Grrl shuddered. “He creeps me out. Now excuse me, I’ve got to go get Trans-Finite Number Progressions out of my head. Ugh!” Al B. looked around him. His three fellow Lair Legion support staff were each chained to similar supporting pillars in some dimly lit dungeon. Strangely, the flagstone floor of the dungeon seemed to sway slightly when the wind blew. “Hello?” he started tentatively. Canadian Nightmare glared at him. “He’s not Canadian enough for me to control,” he sniffed. “Maybe if we rammed some moose up his…” began Krotch, before his teammates clubbed him to unconsciousness. Al glanced across at his own companions for enlightenment. Randy and Art were on either side of him, and Mindy the LL’s robot engineer was on the other side of the hall. Turbo Treesloth was watching her intently and with anticipation. “They’re working for Balefire,” Art Corben explained, nodding to the mismatched bunch of villains waiting for the formal torture to start. “Randy saw the advertisement in Modern Malefactor but we weren’t that desperate for a minion gig.” “I’d prefer to say we were working with Balefire,” clarified Birthday Bandit pedantically. “With. Not for. I am a valued ally.” Then, to his team he added “Stop snickering!” “Balefire?” Al B. Harper dredged his memory for an association with the name. “Hey, wait. That was Jeremiah Frost, the kid who came up with the subroutines for most of the games consoles on the planet. Yeah, he cracked the code-time feedback problem and introduced a virtual parallel bus interface that overrode the usual…” “Can we get to that torturing yet?” asked Randy desperately. “No, you don’t understand!” Al told them. “It was brilliant. And he piloted the first telepathic computer interface for this video game he was designing. Okay, it apparently fried his brain and suffused him with energy from some unidentified extraplanar source, but at least it pepped up Mario a bit.” A rather seedy-looking clown with greying green hair staggered up to breathe alcohol fumes over the scientist. “I could’a been Mario,” Uncle Bob wheezed. “I could’a had that gig.” He took another swig of Duff. “I could’a been a contender.” Over by the wall Killer Shrike was playing cards with Cyber-Venom, gambling away his share of the anticipated loot from the Abhuman Technology Suppressor caper. “Y’know the thing I like about piecework with Balefire is it always makes me feel so competent,” he admitted. “I know what you mean,” agreed the alien-symbiote cyborgs. “Any time I feel insecure in my wickedness I just take a look at Jean-Pierre.” “Alorz!” objected the supervillain in the horizontally striped top. “’Ow can you dees one who ‘as all ze powers of ze French nation?” “Pretty easily,” Killer Shrike admitted. “We’re only human.” “Except for me,” added Cyber Venom with a sinister little chuckle. Something dark distended his skin for a moment then lay quiet. “I suspect the contact with the transdimensional energies must have warped Frost’s brain,” Al B. went on although nobody was listening to him. “He was filled with some plasmoid metapsionic energy he calls corposant fire but after that he stopped designing innovative electronics and started, well…” “Leading bands of lame supervillains?” suggested Mindy. “Yeah,” agreed Al B. for want of a better word. “I think you will find us not so lame now we have the Abhuman device,” the Florist warned. “I think you will find we are not lame at all.” The robot girl considered this. “No,” she decided. “I still think you’re pretty lame.” Cyber Venom laid down his cards. The black metallic prosthetic tentacles attached to his back twitched. “All of us?” he asked dangerously. Turbo Treesloth rushed forward to protect the bound damsel. “Don’t hurt her!” he called out. “Well, at least don’t mark her until I can show her the meaning of true bliss in the tropical arboreal mammal sense!” Mindy almost pointed out that as a robot she could rip the nasty jet-pack wearing rodent to pieces; but since nobody here had worked out that she only looked human and actually had the strength to rip loose of her shackles if left alone for a while she managed to bite her tongue. “Hey, nobody shows my girlfriend the meaning of true bliss!” shouted Art, rattling his chains. Randy sniggered. “I mean except me, obviously,” Art clarified. “No, really. I do. Right Mindy?” “I’m not going to discuss this just now,” the robot girl said primly. “Aaw,” slurred Uncle Bob. Then he doubled over and was sick on Krotch. “So what are you planning to do with that stolen Abhuman anti-technology field generator?” Al B. wondered to change the subject. “I mean before the Lair Legion find you and pound you into the ground.” The Florist looked amused. “The Lair Legion? You think they’re in any shape to come after us right now?” The Lair Legion were scattered as the ground beneath them was churned into fragments in what felt to be an earthquake. Only the Manga Shoggoth wasn’t knocked off his feet, and that was mainly because he didn’t have feet. But CrazySugarFreakBoy! was up in a moment and caught the first of the incoming attackers unawares. “Ah ah,” he said to the cloven-hooved satyr that was swinging one glowing hoof towards him. “No footsies!” Then CSFB! jumped upwards, bringing Krakus’ leg with him, effectively spinning the satyr head over heels. Nats turned to be caught full in the chest by a little man with a massive head who gave him a very nasty Chinese burn. “Ouch!” complained the flying phenomenon and telekinesed Garglon off into a snowdrift a quarter of a mile away. Sorceress found herself unable to move, unable to breathe, swathed in silky red fibres. dull thud was pounded from below by something that looked like a humanoid tuna that burst through the ice.. Nats turned to survey the battle. A slender woman with roan tresses punched him on the nose. Then apologised. “Wha?” Nats said, dabbing his nostrils, but the girl had scampered off to help Queen Sylverkrin with Sorceress. “Hey, I know these guys!” CrazySugarFreakBoy! called out happily as he beat the youngster to Whitney’s long-haired attacker. “These are the Abhumans!” “Yes,” agreed the Manga Shoggoth, “They have very interesting cellular structures.” He moved forward as Krakus leaped hoof forward to smash Nats from behind. Instead the Abhuman splatted into Shoggoth-goo with an unpleasant squelch then hung inside the gelid creature trying vainly to swim out again.. The unidentified Abhuman girl grabbed thuddy and he rolled over clutching his stomach. “Sorry,” she winced, “but it’ll go away in a few hours, honest. It’s only indigestion.” ~~That’s alright, dearie~~ assured Cressida. ~~This is only me transmuting snow into throw.~~ And she propelled the youngster off into a distant snowdrift. Yo was supposed to be attacked by the forty ton Abhuman battle-pig that had been cloaking the attackers with an aura of invisibility after teleporting them here from the Great Relief. However, the two of them were sitting on the snow chatting happily, and Suresnout was sniffing at Rabito in an interested fashion. Yo had found the exact spot that the war-hog liked to be scratched at between his massive ears, just behind his cosmic transmission antennae. CSFB! used Sylverkrin’s own trick against her and swathed her completely in silly string. She struggled and fell over as Sorceress, who didn’t really need to move to use her powers anyway, hit her with a curse of Days of Our Lives-watching. “Ooh, you shouldn’t have done that!” Toadton the amphibaiabhuman warned. “Now you’ve ticked off her husband?” “Her hubby?” Sorceress asked. Just then the wave of pure force flattened everyone on the battlefield. “Yeah. Brown Blot,” Toadton answered. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Balefire asked as he ran his hands over the gleaming metallic patina of the Abhuman technology suppressor. “A thing of beauty.” Al B. Harper shrugged. “I’d say it was a cobbled together mess of ripped off Celestian designs and some old Skree cast off components,” he admitted, “but there’s a certain enthusiastic charm to it.” Balefire glanced up. “It is beautiful,” he insisted. “Not only does it alter the laws of physics to prevent higher technology operating within its radius of influence but it is able to discern which electromagnetic functions to allow, lest the brain be shut down as easily as a radio or a digital watch.” “It works,” Al. B conceded. “Or it did, till you ripped it from its site and away from the geothermal taps that powered it.” “I have already constructed substitute power systems and charged them with my own corposant fire,” Jeremiah Frost announced. “I have also calculated the reboot sequence to set the device working again.” Al B. detected a but coming. “But?” he asked. “But it appears not to be starting,” Balefire admitted. He rubbed the forehead of his metal mask in puzzlement. “That’s why we went back to the retrieval site, to see if there were vital components we had left behind.” “And then you murdered Wonder Walrus,” Al accused. Balefire shrugged. “I have enough sucky metahumans around me already. And that squeaky do-gooding voice was just too much.” “And now I suppose you’re going to threaten my life and that of the kids with me unless I help you fix this machine?” Al B. sighed. “Oh no,” Balefire assured him. “I wouldn’t do that. Instead I’ll use the lives of the three thousand children in the seventy-four childrens’ hospitals across the planet where I have had the Florist and Uncle Bob plant anthrax bombs to threaten you into fixing it.” The villain shook with brief insane laughter. “That would be a much better threat, don’t you think?” The Sorceress waxed wroth. Not only were Mefrothto’s nightly torments and the dread of her future destruction cutting into her sleep cycle but she’d just been blasted into a pile of wet snow and she now had a cleavage full of slush. Around her the rest of the Lair Legion struggled to recover from Brown Blot’s energy wave. The Manga Shoggoth, who had absorbed the brunt, was distributed in thousands of sticky droplets over the landscape. Whitney Darkness swore in Atlantean, because she could, and twisted her arms and hands into a precise set of poses. The polar wind tossed her straw-blonde hair behind her as she summoned up powers. “What is it?” the roan-haired Abhuman girl asked worriedly as she sensed the forces shifting around her. “What’s she doing?” “Get down!” warned Nats, diving on top of the young Abhuman and shielding her with his body. Brown Blot hovered above the battlefield and then he didn’t. It was as if two glaciers just rose up and clapped together around him. And that wasn’t an analogy. “Ouch,” winced thuddy between bowel spasms. CrazySugarFreakBoy! took advantage of the Abhumans’ distraction to clobber Toadton and Krakus in quick succession. Then the glacial growth split apart and Brown Blot hovered there looking cross. “Ouch!” repeated Nats, but for different reasons. Sorceress gestured again and Brown Blot frowned then began to battle things nobody else could see. “What did you do to him?” Queen Sylverkrin demanded from her silly-string cocoon. “Blot! Blot!” CSFB! reinforced her bonds with his go-go yo-yo so she wasn’t getting loose anytime soon. “I just pulled some old memories from his head and set him against them,” Whitney Darkness said in a voice as cold as the Antarctic. “You don’t understand!” the Queen of the Abhumans warned her. “None of you understand! Brown Blot must never unleash his primary power! If he ever loses control, lets forth that devastation…!” “He’s got a voice that can shatter continents?” CSFB! checked. “Cool!” “No, it’s not his voice,” Sylverkrin warned. “Let’s just say we never feed him tacos or curry.” ~~Leave it to me~~ called Cressida as dull thud rolled over in agonised stomach cramps. ~~Delusion to conclusion~~ she commanded, and the King of the Abhumans tumbled into the snow. “You rotters!” shouted the girl beneath Nats, struggling to get loose. “I suppose you humans will want to kill us all now, or take us as slaves!” She glared fiercely into Bill Reed’s face. “I will never be your slave!” she vowed. “Er, alright,” Nats told her affably. “Really, that’s okay.” “I am a Princess of the Abhumans and I will not be your bed-toy,” she hissed. “Fine,” agreed Nats. “That’s really not what I was…” Then she punched him on the nose again. “Where’s Mindy?” Al B. worried as Art and Randy were shepherded in to the bay where he was working on the Abhuman device. “Still chained to her pillar,” Art scowled. “They wouldn’t set all of us free to help you out here. She’s still a hostage.” Al B. filled them in on the other hostages in childrens’ wards around the world. “So what do we do?” Randy puzzled. “Not that I’m really too bothered if the villains win or not, but I’ve got this vague kind of loyalty to the LL that means I’m a bit uncomfortable with Balefire’s plans these days.” “Plus, no technology, no PS-2,” Art pointed out. Randy shuddered. “We do what they say,” Al B. Harper suggested. “We fix this.” Art looked appalled. “We give in to the baddies? That doesn’t sound very heroic.” The floor gently swayed beneath them. Al B. pointed down. “If we get this device working two things will happen right away,” he pointed out. “First, it’ll put out an anti-technology dampening field that the LL can pick up with their instruments.” “Ah. Okay,” agreed Randy. “And second?” “Second it’ll neutralise the anti-gravity generators keeping Balefire’s castle floating in the sky, sending it plummeting to Earth.” “Great,. That’ll teach him!” grinned Art. “Hey, wait a minute…” Mindy Pyrite waited for the moment when most of Balefire’s henchmen were busy elsewhere, investigating the suspicious puddle that was forming under the seedy clown pants of Uncle Bob. Then she made her move. One swift yank should have snapped the chains that held her to the big support column. The robot girl yanked her arms forward. There was a cracking sound as the column broke in two. “Oops,” she said as the roof of the dungeon began to fall in. Balefire had clearly skimped on the evil flying castle construction budget. “Sorry,” the princess of the Abhumans told Nats again. “Really.” She reached out and touched his bleeding nose and suddenly it was whole again. “How did you do that?” Sorceress wondered. “Healing is really hard magic to do.” “It’s my abhuman gift.,” the roan-haired girl admitted as she reached down and stopped thud writhing. “Healing. Well, shifting injuries about, really. I can store them up and give them more deserving homes.” ~~Charming~~ muttered Cressida. “Cute Abhumans are not to be being baddies,” Yo explained, leading Suresnout up to sniff the Legion. “Is just they are to be being worried about stolen technologying neutraliser, and to be finding us to be poking about. So they are thinking we are to be being to blame.” “Classic super-team misunderstanding battle really,” CSFB! noted. “I’d better go dig Krakus out from that ice rift.” “And I’ll go find where I pounded Garglon to,” agreed Nats. “I’ll see if I can find any more bits of the Manga Shoggoth while I’m out there.” “Er, wait a moment,” the Abhuman princess called to him. “I. er, need to remove a few more ailments from you. I thought you were a villain seeking to ravish me, you see. Um… hold still.” “Why?” Nats asked suspiciously as she touched him again. “I’m getting back the rickets, scurvy, hammer-toe, tennis elbow, measles, dropsy, and the black tupps,” she explained. “The black tupps?” “I think sheep get it,” Whitney said helpfully. “Also I’d better remove the selection of VDs,” the princess considered. “Unless you want to keep some?” “No, that’s fine,” Nats said faintly. “Remove away.” “Ah,” said Queen Sylverkrin, back from checking on her husband’s status, “I see you’ve already met my youngest sister. May I formally present Princess Uhunalura?” “Youngest?” Yo asked brightly. “Ah yes, you are also having to be sistered with cute Princess Aphasia.” The Abhumans’ faces fell. “Aphasia is gone,” Sylverkrin told them. “We think she was retconned. Murdered, by that Hooded Hood.” CSFB! frowned. “Yeah, Hoody did mention a Spandex Lass who was an Abhuman..” “Another score to settle with the Hooded Hood,” scowled Nats. “Hold still,” Uhunalura told the flying delivery boy. “Who’s been torturing you?” her hands smoothed over the scars of battle and torment on Bill Reed’s body, closing them up as if they had never been. “See!” Nats called to the Legion. “I told you I was wounded.” “So did Uhuna give you the clap,” asked CSFB!, “or did you already have that?” “We are being sorry for the misunderstanding,” Yo told the Abhumans. “We are also to be tracking the uncute villainings who are to be stealing your machine. We will be happy to be teaming up with you to be finding the wrongdoers and rescuing our cute-friends.” “I wish we could,” frowned Sylverkrin, “but the pollutions of the world outside the Great Relief are poison to us. We cannot stay from Atticland for long.” “I can,” pointed out Princess Uhuna. “I can go with them and represent the Abhumans.” Sylverkrin frowned. “Your sister wanted to join the Lair Legion,” she remembered. “Look what became of her.” “Only an idiot would want to join the Lair Legion,” muttered dull thud. “So why aren’t you a member?” Nats wondered nastily. “Please let me go and help them, Sylvie!” wheedled Uhuna. “It’s not like they don’t like Abhumans. They already have one with them, don’t they?” “We do?” asked CSFB! puzzledly. “Who?” Uhuna pointed to dull thud “That one?” “Me?” thuddy worried. “I’m frae Scotland!” “Not him,” argued the princess. “Her. The one inside him.” ~~Me?~~ Cressida asked. ~~I don’t think so.~~ “You do have very similar genetic signatures,” admitted the Manga Shoggoth, oozing together with a ghastly sucking sound. “I could tell you more if I could dissolve you a little bit.” “One mystery at a time, maybe?” suggested Sorceress diplomatically. “I think the time has come for us to get back to the Mansion, check our data, and look for other clues.” Uhuna linked her arm determinedly around Nats’. “The Mansion,” she declared fervently. “It sounds lovely.” ~~You clearly haven’t heard about Flapjack~~ muttered Cressida as they made for the Lairjet. “Splendid,” declared Balefire as Killer Shrike and Cyber-Venom dragged Al B. Harper away from the controls of the Abhuman device and rendered him unconscious on top of the pile that already consisted of Mindy, Art, and Randy. The robot girl had caused the most trouble until Canadian Nightmare had discovered that a few of her parts were made in Canada. With the others it was just a matter of waiting until they had fixed the Abhuman machine and then stunning them senseless before they could operate it. “So do we kack them now or what?” Shrike demanded. “Hey, not till we get to play with the girl-ee!” Krotch objected. “Hur hur hur.” “You understand nothing of l’amour,” Jean-Pierre scorned. “And you will not molest the beautiful Miss Pyrite except over my dead body!” announced Turbo Treesloth. “Deal,” agreed Krotch. “Enough!” thundered Balefire. “I need these four alive. Although we now have a working technology inhibitor to deploy that is but the beginning of my brilliant masterplan. We have to be ready to seize our opportunities when the lights go out in Paradopolis. What must you do again?” “I have to release the Saran gas at police headquarters,” recited the Florist dutifully. “I have to take out the bridges, or at least block ‘em so no-one can get in or out,” rehearsed Cyber-Venom. “Uncle Bob and me hit the major banks and bullion houses,” Killer Shrike noted. “Also the jewellery stores at the Plaza.” “I get all the Canadians in the city out looting and assembling the stuff at the drop point,” Canadian Nightmare said. “I make sure the JBH are on their Ship in space, and kan’t get back because of the no-tech field,” Krotch contributed. “And then I find some kutie and I…” “I make for Bautista Enterprises,” Jean-Pierre cut in quickly. “I’m looking for plans, formulas, secret inventions, bits of NTU-150 armour, anything of value.” “And…?” prompted Balefire. “And Grrl and I head for the prime target with you,” Birthday Bandit added. “All of this is timed for next Thursday, when it’s that person’s birthday, so I can use her talents.” “And then we go for the big one,” breathed Balefire. “The grail. The final frontier. The grand wahoonie!” Grrl frowned. “Huh? I thought we intended to take over…” “It was a metaphor!” snapped Balefire. Then he caught his temper. “It’s only a matter of following things through. There’s nobody left to stop us. There’s nobody can anticipate what we’re up to.” He allowed himself a full, villainous laugh. “This time… we win!” Next Issue: It’s Sir Mumphrey Wilton vs the Hooded Hood, no holds barred, in a fight to the finish for the future of the Lair Legion. It’s Finny and DK on the road to Xnylonia. It’s G-Eyed and Lisette and what happens next. It’s Princess Uhunalura’s first day at the Lair Mansion .It’s Asil vs Kerry on the subject of the Great Man. It’s six more people invited to join the Lair Legion. It’s a special guest appearance by Jean-Paul Sartre. And it’s all there in Untold Tales of Sir Mumphrey Wilton and His Remarkable Lair Legion. It’ll be absolutely spiffing, chaps. And don’t worry, we’ll be back with Balefire and his wacky friends and their plan to conquer the world in just a couple of issues’ time. All the Fun of the Footnotes: Weird Antarctic Technology Devices: The Celestian Space Robots created two offshoots of humanity, the genetically-improved Austernals and the deformed Deviates. The Austernals’ own abandoned genetic experiments were discovered and completed by the star-faring Skree Empire who created the race of Abhumans. Gaining freedom from their Skree creators, the Abhumans became entangled in a long deadly war with the Deviates, a war that was only ended by the return of the Celestians and the imprisonment of both sides. During the long conflict, the Abhumans created Savage Park as a genetic museum, resurrecting and preserving a number of otherwise extinct lifeforms including the big saurians and land repiles – the dinosaurs. The Abhumans used salvaged and copied Celestian technology to accomplish this feat, creating five massive devices to control not only the climate but also the very laws of physics to preserve the park as it had always been. The Abhumans: This long-lived reclusive people dwell in Atticland, the Great Relief, a technologically-advanced city in the Tibetan mountains. They use the Plot-Enhancing Mists originated with that ever-popular Celestian technology to artificially mutate each one of them into a unique super-powered lifeform at puberty. The Abhuman Royal Family is known to consist of: Brown Blot, the silent and powerful manipulator of gastric energies Maximess the Manic, his mind-controlling nasty younger brother Sylverkrin, of the tangled hair, Brown Blot’s queen Uhunalura, Sylverkrin’s youngest sister, a health-transferor Toadton the amphibiabhuman, a water-dwelling hybrid Krakus, chief of security, whose mighty boots can stomp earthquakes Garglon, high priest, whose skilled hands can offer fatal Chinese burns Aphasia, a.k.a. Spandex Lass, Sylverkin’s other sister, now sadly retconned (see The Hooded Hood Chronicles #5: the Death of a Legionnaire (This Issue… Someone Dies)) Other Abhumans include Suresnout, the pig-monster-teleporting-thing, and the Searcher, a kind of scary Abhuman sheriff. And Cressida? Well now, that’s a story for another day. Balefire’s Minions: on the bad-guy team today we have: The Florist, with the ability to make plants do bad things Grrl, a fierce telepathic warrior-woman Jean-Pierre, with the powers of the French nation Canadian Nightmare, with the ability to control all things Canadian Turbo Treesloth, the rocket-pack powered love mammal Birthday Bandit, who can steal the powers of anyone on the anniversary of their birth Uncle Bob, a super-powered over-the-hill drunken party clown Krotch, who is a chat room joke made somewhat-rancid flesh Cyber Venom, a bionic killing machine merged with an alien symbiote Killer Shrike, a professional mercenary using combat-enhancing gadgets The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom Who's Who in the Parodyverse Where's Where in the Parodyverse Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.
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