Tales of the Parodyverse

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CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Sun May 16, 2004 at 09:29:12 am EDT
Subject
Springing Into Action: Mr. Epitome vs. CrazySugarFreakBoy! [Spoilers]
Originally
Springing Into Action
In Reply To

killer shrike
Sun May 16, 2004 at 02:43:03 am EDT
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"So, you enjoying yourself?" Dreamcatcher Foxglove inquired with an unconcealed edge of hostility. "Having a good time, moving yourself and all your spy gear right in to our home, and securing a beachhead for your crypto-fascist government takeover of our team?"

"If it makes you feel any better, I suspect that I am just as displeased as you are about our current shared circumstances, if not more so," Dominic Clancy sighed wearily, making no effort to hide the fact that he was not in the mood for this right now.

"You can shut the fuck up with that bullshit noise right now," CrazySugarFreakBoy! shot back, causing Mr. Epitome to blink with surprise at the vehemence of his outburst. "I just want you to know that I am on to you, and I know what it is that you're up to here."

"Oh, really?" Mr. Epitome replied in an acid tone, his frustration with CrazySugarFreakBoy! finally causing him to surrender to sarcasm. "I'm involved in overseeing the operations of an entire division devoted to combating threats to our national security that you and your little let's-pretend dress-up playtime pals could scarcely even comprehend, but YOU'VE got me all mapped out."

"Even if I hadn't had the jump on you since day one, I would have learned everything I needed to know about you from the moment I tried to teach you how to play D&D," Dream countered with a grin.

"What on Earth could an adolescent fantasy pastime possibly have to do with anything of even remote importance in the REAL world?" Dominic nearly bellowed in retort, scowling in confused frustration.

"Well, for one thing, it showed me that you're a goddamn lousy gamer," CSFB! snorted derisively. "With the base scores you rolled and the head you have for combat strategies, you could have kicked some serious ass in that Forgotten Realms campaign, but NO, you weren't interested in learning any set of rules that differ from your own. I had to NURSEMAID your fucking useless ass from start to finish of the character creation process, even though, if you'd even BOTHERED to glance at the manuals yourself, you wouldn't have needed for ME to tell you that you needed be playing a Human Paladin of Lawful Good alignment. You refused to do the homework, and I can't respect people who role-play that way."

"Which is all very well and good to keep in mind when you're off having harmless imaginary adventures in the Never-Never Lands of Middle-Earth and Narnia, but none of which has any bearing on the REAL threats posed by REAL people in the REAL world."

"Unless, of course, the Frosting Giants from Ausguard or the Orcs and Trolls from the Mythlands get it in their heads to swing on by to our side of the Rainbow Bridge or the dimensional belief barriers and start tearing shit up on our front lawn. You know ... yet again? See, THAT'S what scares me about guys like you, because you've already got your minds so made up and set in stone about what IS and ISN'T worth worrying about that, if and when some genuine threat comes down the pike that doesn't match up to your little list of criteria regarding what should and shouldn't be considered a 'real world' concern - like, say, if somebody like an army of Nazi Prawns from an alternate timeline or parallel universe get their hands, or, you know, whatever, on some cosmic-level MacGuffin like the Plot Accelerator - you'll just do what you did during our D&D session, and let somebody else handle it for you, because you'll think the whole thing is too trivial for you to even be bothering with."

Mr. Epitome found himself, for the first time in his interactions with CrazySugarFreakBoy!, without a ready response to Dreamcatcher Foxglove's accusations. "I take my job just as seriously as you take yours," Dominic Clancy finally offered after a quiet moment.

"Except that you and I aren't really doing the same jobs, are we?"
Dream asked sadly, his previous passions apparently subdued by this response. "I mean, yeah, we both have the same general job title of 'superhero', or 'costumed crime-fighter', or whatever else you want to call it, but nothing's actually changed between the two of us since the first time we talked at Odyssey Opportunities. You have your world that you think you're defending, and I have mine, and much like the DC and Marvel comics companies' respective realities at the end of the JLA/Avengers crossover, maybe our worlds just plain aren't meant to coincide for any length of time."

"So." Dominic threw up his hands calmly and questioningly. "Where does that leave us, then?"

Dream frowned silently, then stood suddenly. "It's doesn't leave us anywhere but the place where we already started from. I don't LIKE you, and I don't WANT you here, and the split-second instant that you leave one of us in the lurch with our zippers down and our dicks blowing in the breeze - because I know that you will, sooner or later - I WILL come after you, and I don't care if you're Superman and I'm Spider-Man and you could crush me like a bug, because I've had the living shit kicked out of me all my life by bullies who would have made you look like nothing, Captain America. So. Stay out of my way, and don't touch my stuff, and we should get along about as well as we probably can."

With that, CSFB! strode sullenly out of the room, leaving Epitome wondering how he should proceed next.




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