| ||
| ||
|
Post By The Hooded Hood presents Nats' worst day ever (including the ones where he died) Sat May 22, 2004 at 09:31:56 am EDT |
Subject
#152: Untold Exposés of the Lair Legion: Nats Ate My Gerbil | |
|
|
Next In Thread >> | |
#152: Untold Exposés of the Lair Legion: Nats Ate My Gerbil The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom Who's Who in the Parodyverse Where's Where in the Parodyverse   “Hi viewers and welcome back to Agrah in the Afternoon. Lemme just finish this burger. Now, we’ve got a real treat for you folks today. Here fresh from the headlines of today’s Daily Trombone is the Lair Legion’s PA and self-confessed survivor of super-hero abuse, Ruby Waver. Give her a hand!” “Hi Agrah. Thanks for letting me on your show to tell my side of the story.” “No problem, sister. Now in a tell-all article published in the Trombone you’ve come clean about the seedy doings of one of the world’s highest-profile superheroes, a Lair Legionnaire no less, and the things that happened to you when you went to work at the famous Lair Mansion in Paradopolis.” “Yes. I couldn’t keep quiet any more. No matter how much I was threatened.” “Threatened? Someone’s been trying to shut you up?” “Well, Agrah, let’s just say that superheroes have all kinds of ways of hurting normal humans when normal humans don’t obey them. And they don’t like the truth being told.” “But you’re speakin’ up now, girl, and you people in the audience and you people at home are hearing it first here. So how did you get into all of this, Ruby?” “Through my cousin, I guess… the actress, Lania? From Secret Hospital? I guess she doesn’t mind… what some superheroes expect of their staff. I mean, we’ve all heard about Fin Fang Foom’s morphing… apparatus, right?” “Right. There’s whole websites about it. So did you and the dragon…?” “No, I think Lania keeps him satisfied. I mean, she didn’t get that LL Spokesperson job for her IQ, right?” “So your cousin got you the job as administrative assistant and secretary at the Lair Mansion.” “I guess they wanted some new meat, and she was willing to feed her own kin to the beasts.” “You weren’t made welcome at on Parody Island?” “Oh, I was made very welcome, Agrah. I mean, Nats, he made it clear right from the start what was… was expected of me. What he wanted me to do.” “He molested you?” “I guess you’d call it that. I… I didn’t realise what he was doing at first. I’d come from a very sheltered background. I hardly went out, ‘cept for church on Sundays. And he seemed so nice, giving me liquor to drink and helping me upstairs when I felt all funny.” “Hmm. You can see what our studio audience thinks of that, Ruby. So Nats took advantage of an innocent country girl.” “I was his slave. Anything he wanted, no matter how bizarre or cruel, I had to do it. He’s got this terrible temper, you know, and his pyrokinetic abilities can burn you from the inside out, and his telekinesis can break your bones any time he's angry. So I... I had to do whatever he wanted, no matter how... how degrading or shameful…” “Didn’t any of the other members of the Lair Legion do anything about this?” “The others? Well, I think it’s kind of an accepted thing amongst superheroes. They turn a blind eye. Back when Exile was a member he actually dragged around a poor girl who openly admitted to being his slave. And everybody knows about Goldeneyed and his… activities, right?” “But surely the women on the team…?” “Lisa? I guess that’s who Nats was borrowing a lot of his equipment from. Dancer? She’s got a scene of her own. Sorceress – my own distant cousin as well, by the way – well she consorts with the dead. Y’know what I mean by consorts, right?” “Rumour has it that Yo can change genders from woman to man.” “Sure, s/he takes it both ways. They’re a pretty kinky group. And you don’t want dull thud’s snake coming out from inside him.” “This ain’t usually the image we get of Earth’s defenders.” “That’s why I had to speak out, Agrah. It wasn’t… the beatings, or the constant sexual abuse that finally made me tell all to the Trombone. It was the thought that the public had to know. What fifteen-year old innocent will they pick on next to disgrace and ruin? You heard that Visionary even started up a school for young girls on Lair Island, right? And that he’s living with one of ‘em?” “So you spoke with Bernice Teschmaker, and her article reporting your tell-all story was picked up by the national press…” “That wasn’t me telling all, Agrah. Not… not everything. What they did to me, what Nats forced me to endure, that was only the start of it. There’s plenty more where that came from. I know it all. The dirty little cover-ups, the bizarre fetishes, the private scandals, even the secret identities. And they’re all going to be blown wide open, I promise you, in my forthcoming book from Avis Press priced $19.99 and in shops from next Friday.” “You’re a brave girl, Ruby, and a survivor. I’m sure the hearts an’ prayers of all right-thinking Americans are with you as you crusade for justice against the very people who we thought were crusaders for justice. And Nats, we know the truth now. We hope you get the chair.” “Nats? Nats? You need to remember to breathe,” suggested Dancer helpfully. “Lungs? Nats?” “I… She… We…” “He’s not looking too good, is he?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! worried. “Look Nats, this wasn’t Bernice’s fault. She just takes womens rights very seriously, like she should, and she believed Ruby deserved a forum to say what she had to. Nats?” “The… She… It…” “Is this another regular feature of your mortal mating rituals?” Manga Shggoth speculated. “As when the male avian displays his plumage for the female before exchanging genetic material?” “We… When… How…” “Yo is thinking that poor Ruby must be to be being very unhappy to be saying those things about cute-Nats.” “But… Yet… I…” “I thought she looked just fine on the TV,” Lisa suggested. “That colour suits her. And she made her points very well.” “She had clearly been coached,” noted the Librarian. “Her points were made too well.” “A book by Avis Press?” observed Visionary. “As in Roni Y. Avis, inventor of internet spam and all-round sleaze artist?” “You… She…” “The article was really well written,” CSFB! comforted the stricken flying phenomenon. “Trust Bernice to put together a great piece, whatever the story.” “It’s just a matter of time before we sort this out,” Dancer supported Nats. “We’ll get our legal advisor onto this right away. It’s probably slander or libel. Or maybe tort? Lisa?” “Ah, I’m afraid I won’t be able to help Nats on this one,” the amorous advocatrix apologised. “It would be a conflict of interest.” “Why?” asked Visionary suspiciously. “Because I’ve already been retained for Ruby, to act on her behalf in her compensation claims against the LL in general and Nats in particular,” Lisa explained sweetly. “I was reluctant until they offered me wads and wads of cash, but in the end I agreed.” “It… The…” “Evil,” muttered Vizh. “I told you all along, but you wouldn’t believe me.” “That certainly makes the chances of resolving this situation through the courts somewhat less simple,” admitted the Librarian. “Yo is to be coming and visiting you in prison, cute-Nats.” Yo consoled Bill Reed. “But… She… It…” “Give it twenty-four hours, Nats,” Dancer suggested sympathetically. “Things might seem so much better tomorrow.” “Welcome to your career review board meeting, Mister Reed,” Miss Framlicker said formally, from behind a desk of shining chrome. “As you know, in light of recent problems at ITC, upper management have undertaken a root-and-branch analysis of our operations, and this personnel exercise forms an integral part of our restructuring.” “Er,” said Nats uncomfortably. His chair seemed somewhat lower than his line manager’s and he found himself staring up at her. “You’re not still mad with me, are you? I mean about the…” “About those absurd rumours that we had slept together when I charitably allowed you to sleep on my sofa when you were temporarily thrown out of the Lair Legion? About the gossip at the water cooler about how you had ‘bagged’ me and the crude speculation about our alleged sexual activities? About the damage to my professional reputation and good name that your behaviour caused me? No, I’m over that, Mister Reed. Quite over it.” “Oh, good, because…” “But the press dredging up those rumours in their feeding frenzy for more Nats-related scandal in the wake of your recent exposure as a child-molesting pervert, and them clamouring at my home for details of bondage encounters that never took place, and somebody digging up photographs from a gentleman’s magazine that I posed for when I was eighteen to pay my way through college and reprinting them… I’m not really over those yet, Mister Reed.” “Agh! I mean… agh!” “However, we are not here to discuss my savaged feelings or tattered self-esteem, or my personal opinions of your private life, Mister Reed. We are here to review your work with the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation, an institution that has recently suffered serious setbacks and is facing an array of lawsuits, penalty fees, and divine wraths. The Board of Directors has met to consider the situation, and the necessary downsizing that will enable the situation to be stabilised.” “Downsizing? That’s corporate-speak for…” “For firing people, yes. ITC is making around five hundred people redundant, mostly based upon my recommendations,” Muss Framlicker announced. “On your recommendations,” Nats winced. “Mostly,” agreed Miss F. “The shareholders reviewed your case most carefully, but I can’t say they weren’t influenced by your recent… publicity. They have instructed me to inform you that your services at ITC are no longer required.” Nats sat there stunned. “Mister Reed? Did you hear me? Your employment is terminated. You may collect your things and leave the building.” “B-but…” Nats stammered. “Now,” Miss Framlicker told him. “Security will help you empty your locker and vacate the premises.” And she watched as the flying phenomenon was led out of her office. The inner door opened and Mr Limpqvist came in. “How did he take it?” the Manager of ITC asked. “Like a plank in the face,” Miss F. answered. “As expected.” “And you?” Limpqvist asked gently. “Have you reconsidered?” “No, I’m afraid not. I’m quitting too. I don’t agree with all these redundancies, and I certainly don’t believe all that crap they’re saying about Nats, and I won’t stay with a company that treats it’s people like the Directors are doing now. And…” “And you still think the recent problem with Balefire was your fault?” “Wasn’t it?” Miss Framlicker challenged. “In any case, I’m leaving as well.” “Have you told Nats that you’re quitting because of him?” “Nats has his own problems,” Miss Framlicker argued. “I’ll survive.” “I don’t know the truth of it,” Whitney Darkness told Nats as she cornered him on the darkest part of the staircase. “I don’t know what you did to Ruby or what she did to you. But I will discover the truth.” “Okay,” Bill Reed agreed. “There’s no need to, y’know, change anybody’s shape or species. Really.” “Ruby can be deceptive, manipulative. I know that,” confessed the Sorceress, “but she is still family, and the Darkness clan takes care of its own.” “Understood,” jabbered Nats “Can I have control of my bodily functions back now?” Whitney looked puzzled. “I never took command of your bodily functions.” “Ah,” said Nats. “Leave the frightened mundane to his sordid life,” snapped Hagatha Darkness, appearing from the top of the stairwell. When had the Lair Mansion gained all these shadows? “Come with me, grand-daughter.” “Why?” demanded Sorceress. “When he…” “I have something to tell you, Whitney,” Hagatha said sharply. “Something you need to know. About Jay Boaz.” “Nats ate my gerbil,” Trickshot read on the cover of the Paradopolis Weekly News. “Wow. I wonder how it tasted?” “Probably like chicken,” suggested CrazySugarFreakBoy! “Read page two, where those three nuns talk about their session with him and the goats.” “Can you actually do that with goats?” asked Princess Uhunalura of the Abhumans, a current guest at the Lair Mansion, her eyes wide in astonishment at the world beyond Atticland, the great Relief. “Only in Idaho,” answered Trickshot scornfully. “And with special equipment.” “Nats certainly seems to have enjoyed interfacing his genetic potential with others of your species,” the Manga Shoggoth considered as he observed the pile of papers before them. “Well, other carbon-based lifeforms of all kinds,” he reconsidered after another look. “Aw, Nats isn’t like that,” CSFB! shrugged. “If Nats and Ruby were pelvis pals then both of ‘em knew what they were doing, and it’s none of our business.” A sudden idea occurred to him. “Hey, Uhuna, you’re a healer, right? Could you, y’know, restore Ruby? Make her a virgin again?” Uhuna thought about this. “I can’t actually heal people,” she noted, “only move wounds around from person to person. I suppose if you could find a maiden who didn’t mind me swapping her hymen over…” “And that’s the end of this conversation,” Trickshot interrupted firmly. “Lalalalalalalalala!” “Observing the extraordinary psyches of humans is one of the redeeming features of my current exile,” the Manga Shoggoth noted with satisfaction. “Are you alright?” asked Uhuna cautiously. “You’re not going to jump off that roof or anything?” Nats perched on the parapet by the central tower of the Lair Mansion. The mansion hadn’t had a tower until recently, but in the rebuilding after the latest devastation one seemed to have got added into the plans and nobody noticed until the builders were gone. It seemed to fit. “It wouldn’t matter if I did,” Nats pointed out. “I can fly.” “Yes,” remembered the Princess of the Abhumans. “It’s a wonderful gift. I always wanted to be able to fly, but instead I got shifting wounds about. That was when I was seven, on my second exposure to the Plot-Altering Mists.” Nats recalled that every member of the Abhuman sub-race was genetically pliable, transformed by exposure to the Celestian-derived mists to form an essential cog in a society that was, in some ways, a single entity. “Is that when you were betrothed to Maximess the Slightly-Mad?” he asked with reluctant curiosity. “Oh no, that was before I was gestated,” Uhuna told him. “The genetics council decided there needed to be a better balance between Brown Blot and Maxi, and after Maxi had been alone for so long after he got shut outside when the Celestians imprisoned us all in the Negativity Zone he’d gone a little… strange. So they thought a wife was required, and they designed me.” She shuddered a little, perhaps from the cold wind blowing in from the bay. “Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk about me. I came to check on you.” “On me?” Nats stared out across the misty island down to the cold shore. “What’s to check on? I’m public enemy number one, an unemployable girl-abusing lowlife.” “I don’t believe that,” Uhuna assured him. “Then tell Falcon. When he heard what Ruby was saying he took the time to come down here and threaten me personally for all the bad stuff I did to her. He takes people abusing teenage girls real personally. He showed me his air-to-air missile launchers.” “Your comrades will stand by you,” the Princess assured him. “Sir Mumphrey had to suspend you while they investigated Ruby’s allegations. It makes sense. These are all good people.” She thought about it some more. “Trickshot tried to help you.” “By breaking in on Ruby’s latest press conference and threatening her in front of the cameras about telling lies about me on national television,” sighed Nats. “Much more help like that and I might as well strap myself into the electric chair.” “He meant well,” Uhuna observed. “As I said, these are all good people. Heroes.” “Except maybe me,” Bill Reed scowled. “I keep going over stuff in my head time and time again. Stuff with Ruby. Things we said. Things we did. I keep trying to match what happened with the things she’s saying happened, straining to see if she could really have been thinking all of that while we were together.” “And you don’t think the twelve million dollar book deal had nothing to do with it?” cackled Flapjack, sticking his head through the skylight like an auditioning gargoyle. “Mistress Uhuna, you’ve got a visitor waiting downstairs.” “A visitor?” Uhunalura was puzzled. “Yeah. Says he’s your fiancée. He’s come ta take you home.” “Uhunalura. You are as lovely as ever,” Maximess, Evil Prince of the Abhumans complimented his fiancée as she descended the main staircase. “You didn’t have to come with me,” Uhuna whispered to Nats. “I… I’m not afraid of him or anything.” “The last time this guy was here he was invading the Lair Mansion,” Nats answered out loud. “As far as I’m concerned he’s a serious security risk.” “Nats, is it?” Maximess enquired. “Yes, I think I’ve seen you on television. For your information, ‘Nats’, my assault upon this building was spurred by genetic imperatives built into my people by the Celestians. You don’t blame Banjoooo or Sersi or Rocket Racoon for attacking at the same time.” “They’re not slimy villains normally though,” Nats pointed out. The smarmy smile vanished of the Abhuman’s face. “I don’t think a child-molesting sadist should be so quick to judge others.” He turned to Uhuna. “Nor do I believe that this is a suitable or appropriate place for my fiancée to remain. Uhunalura, I have come to take you back.” “So… so soon?” the princess of the Abhumans protested, shying away as Maximess reached to take her arm. “I should at least stay until NTU-150 and Al B. Harper finish restoring the technology suppressor to its original location.” “Your work here is done,” Maximess insisted. “Get your things.” Nays interposed himself between the Abhuman madman and the unhappy girl. “If Uhuna wants to stay here she stays,” the flying phenomenon insisted. “It was Brown Blot and Sylverkrin who left her with us, not you, and if they want her back let them come for her.” “Get out of my way, you sad little human,” Maximess frowned. He focussed his mind-binding psychic power on Nats and ordered the hero aside. Nats stayed put. He focussed his own telekinetic and pyrokinetic gifts on the Abhuman prince. “You could control me, or I could explode you,” he told Maximess through gritted teeth. “Wanna find out which happens first?” “That won’t be necessary, young Nats-me-lad!” boomed a plumy English voice from the doorway to the Lair Legion chairman’s office. Sir Mumphrey Wilton stalked into the hall and looked at Maximess. “This bounder’s just leavin’.” “Wilton,” frowned the Abhuman villain. “I didn’t know you were…” “Well y’know now, cully. So be on your way. You’re not welcome in the Lair Mansion, and if I had my way you’d not be welcome in the whole damn universe. Now be off with you.” “These guys have met before?” Nats guessed, leaning over to Uhuna. “Famously,” she admitted, “back in the Second Great Human War.” “I’ll go then,” Maximess hissed, his eyes glaring into Mumphrey’s. “But Uhunalura comes with me.” “The young lady stays right here until his majesty sends that jolly teleportin’ pig for her,” the eccentric Englishman answered. “Unless she wants to go. D’you want to be off with this caddish oik, Uhuna?” “Not just now, Sir Mumphrey,” the princess admitted. “I was hoping to see a little more of Paradopolis before I returned to the Great Relief to be married.” “There y’are then,” Mumphrey told Maximess. “On your way, before I ask young Nats here to see you out with his boot.” Maximess glared from Uhuna to Nats to Mumphrey. “This isn’t over,” he promised as he departed. “Damn you, Hooded Hood!” raged Nats, hammering on the door of Herringcarp Asylum in a black rage. “Come out and fight like a man! I know all of this mess is just your doing, because I told you what you were for doing what you did to Pegasus! Why can’t you take me on to my face, you cowled bastard?” “Very well,” said a calm, Latvian-accented voice behind the flying phenomenon. “Here I am. But I must point out that nothing that has occurred to you in the last few days has been because of my manipulations.” “It… it hasn’t?” “No,” the cowled crime czar replied. “You’re simply not that important to me.” “I… I’m not?” The Hooded Hood leaned forward. “But be assured, my enemy, that when I do show my displeasure at your boorish behaviour, you will be fully aware of my revenge.” And the green eyes flashed. “Thank you all for coming to this settlement meeting,” Lisa Waltz told her guests as they took their seats around the table at her law practise. “Although obviously I’m a little disappointed to be missing out on all the court fees this would have generated if it had gone to trial and appeal.” “Evil, I tell you,” Visionary muttered in Nats’ ear. “Pleased to be able to come, Miss Waltz, and sort out this whole sorry affair,” Sir Mumphrey said with a stroke of his whiskers. “Shame Ms Waver didn’t come to talk with us at the start before all of this fuss started.” “I was afraid to,” Ruby answered. “Afraid of what Nats might do.” “Crap!” Nats shouted, rising from his chair. “That is total…” “Sit down, mister!” snapped Mumphrey. “We won’t be havin’ any of that kind of behaviour in front of the ladies.” Visionary forced himself to suppress a follow up to that perfect straight line. “Now we need to consider punitive compensation for my client’s horrible experiences,” Lisa noted, “We’d be willing to forgo pressing criminal charges and a public apology if the figure was high enough.” “Evil,” repeated Vizh. “Hmph,” said Sir Mumphrey. “Before we talk about that, I think we need to establish one or two fact, what?” “Facts?” Ruby frowned. “Nats took advantage of me, abused me…” “Well then, a few plain facts will help establish that, don’t y’know?” Mumph noted. “I’ve asked a couple of members of the LL to conduct an internal investigation, just to check on some things. And because I didn’t want to prejudice the case I picked our newest two recruits, who don’t really know Nats or Ruby.” “The newest?” puzzled Ruby. Visionary let the Librarian and Mr Epitome into the room. Princess Uhunalura slipped in behind them “Ah,” said Lisa. “Well?” Mumphrey asked them. “What did you chaps find?” “Apart from the appalling marmalade mess in the records room?” accused Lee Bookman. “Let’s start with the National Security Act,” Mr Epitome suggested, laying a thick volume on the table. “That makes it a criminal offence to publish information about the identity of national security personnel when they, their families, or their mission might be compromised. I’ve arranged for the Office of Paranormal Security to confiscate the proofs of your book, Ms Waver, so we may be able to avoid charges being levelled at you. Mr Avis would have objected, but he’s busy with the IRS right now.” “That’s harassment,” Lisa objected. “An initial assessment of Mr Avis’ affairs suggest multiple malfeasances which warrant an investigation order,” replied the paragon of power. “I did a document search,” the Librarian contributed. “I found all kinds of useful things. Like Miss Waver’s birth certificate. It seems you aren’t underage, by the way. I think you may have miscounted.” “A lady’s age is private,” Ruby scowled hotly. “Not when she’s making accusations that could ruin a man’s reputation and life,” growled Sir Mumphrey Wilton. The Librarian continued. “I also acquired the rough draft of your statements to the press. It seems as though much of it was written by Mr Roni Y. Avis. Given the somewhat large advance payments you received – I have the cheque numbers and transaction details here – it begins to look suspiciously like a smear campaign.” “I also did some digging around your childhood friends,” Epitome added ruthlessly. “Yo and Dancer and your cousin Sorceress helped, and you’d be amazed how good they are at helping somebody stumble over the right facts. I have depositions from a number of young men who claim to have had carnal knowledge of you before you ever met Nats.” He laid a thick file before him and pushed it over to Lisa. The amorous advocatrix sniffed at the amateur portfolio. “And you’re not pregnant,” Uhuna told Ruby. “I can tell. In fact the chemicals in your body indicate you’re taking some kind of contraceptive medication.” Ruby went pale. “Oh yeah, I should have known that you’d be there to support your red-haired boyfriend, you man-stealing Abhuman Eurotrash!” “My boyfriend?” Uhuna flushed. “I… I hardly know him. I’m engaged to be married soon!” “I think the point is,” interrupted Sir Mumphrey Wilton, “that the charade is over, Ms Waver. I understand that feelings get a bit raw when relationships end badly, but we can’t allow this mischief to continue. Ms Waltz, I assume you’ll be sendin’ out the appropriate retractions on your client’s behalf?” Lisa glanced at Ruby. “Oh, do it,” the girl answered, knuckling back her tears. “I’ll get rich some other way.” She glared over at Nats. “He has a very small penis anyway.” “Wha?” gasped Nats. “But… She…” “This is where we came in,” noted Visionary. “Glad to see you exonerated,” Lisa told the gibbering flying phenomenon. “And if you want to sue Roni Y. Avis for defamation of character, just let me know.” “But you were on the other side!” objected the Librarian. “And I’ve done my work for them now,” the amorous advocatrix explained. “They’ve paid their fees. Now I’m available.” “I keep telling you,” Visionary insisted with some force. “EVIL!” Uhuna found Nats on the steps of the building where Lisa kept her offices. “You talked with her?” the princess guessed, looking at Bill Reed’ face. “Ruby? Yeah, we told each other a few truths.” “And?” “And I still don’t know. Maybe I played it badly, hurt her more than I realised to send her off on that whole Hand That Rocks the Cradle thing. Maybe she’s just a gold-digging slut who saw an opportunity for fame and fortune. Maybe we just got on the wrong side of each other. I dunno.” “I’m sorry if I caused any problems,” Uhuna told the flying phenomenon. “She seemed jealous of me. I never intended to do that.” She took a breath and added, “You know that you and I can never be more than good friends, don’t you?” “I know. And you have been a good friend to me these last few days Uhuna, really. After, y’know, you removed all the venereal diseases you gave me.” “Thank you. So what are you going to do now?” Nats considered this. He didn’t have a job, his reputation was in ruins, and he felt like he’d been through an emotional meat grinder. “Right now I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than show you Paradopolis,” he told the Princess of the Abhumans. “How would you like to fly?” Bill Reed woke up with a killer headache. The champagne bottle was still clutched in his hand beneath the silken sheets. He groaned. “Awake at last, sleepyhead?” Uhuna asked him, stepping out of the steaming shower. The only towel she was using was wrapped around her dripping hair. “Urk!” gurgled Nats in a strangled voice. Nude and beautiful, Uhuna padded over to the picture window. “It’s going to be a wonderful day,” she observed. “What… what did we do last night?” Nats tried to recall. Uhuna blushed prettily. “Pretty much everything, I think,” she admitted. “I never thought it would be so… so good.” “We… you and I…” Uhuna’s lovely face dimpled into that killer smile. “It was wonderful, Bill, really it was.” She spun around with her hands stretched over her head in joyous abandon. “I am the happiest bride that ever there was.” And then Nats noticed the gold band on his finger, and the matching one on hers. And then he understood what the Hooded Hood had been saying. Next issue: People always love wedding issues, right? Even if it’s two in a row? All that romance and passion, especially if it’s set in an exotic location like beautiful Xnylonia? And this is no ordinary marriage, this is the formal alliance of the daughter of the house of Oosama to the next ruler of the planet. So the last thing we need are offworld gatecrashers trying to ruin the event with their talk about conspiracy and Gahreams. Join us for the festivities in Untold Tales of the Wedding of Ziles, in a mere nine days' time from now. And bring a gift.  Bernice Teschmaker is a dedicated and idealistic young reporter with a healthy scepticism about superheroes. She has penned many articles such as A Dissenting View: On Our "Superhero Saviors" ... . For Sir Mumphrey’s response to that article look at A reply to Miss Teschmacher's Article regarding "Our Superhero Saviours". Roni Y. Avis, amoral entrepreneur and self-proclaimed inventor of internet spam, has been behind a number of dodgy business deals in the Parodyverse (such as the attempted purchase and redevelopment of the Happy Place and of Amazon Isle). His hand was replaced by a hook after a disagreement with Baron Zemo. ITC, the Interdimensional Development Corporation, it’s manager Mr Limpqvist Lundqvist, and it’s project supervisor Miss Framlicker were introduced in Nats’ Simple Job. The recent troubles of ITC and the social problems of Miss F. were chronicled in Untold Tales #146-150. Maximess the Slightly-Mad first encountered the Lair Legion when the Celestian Space Robots used their genetic over-ride on the Abhuman race to control them and send them to invade the Lair Mansion in The Final Untold Tale of the Lair Legion: The Judgement of the Celestians (which was seriously intended to conclude this series). Sir Mumphrey Wilton met Maximess much earlier, in the currently-incomplete Sir Mumprhey Wilton and the Lost Temple of Mystery. Ruby Waver – Slut or Victim? I admit to being unsure whether to run this storyline because it does rather put Ruby in a bad light. I was guided by Sorceress’ notes about Ruby being “not as nice as she seemed”, but this may have been a step too far. If so, this Ruby was a mind-controlled Space Phantom, okay? And I’d say that Ruby isn’t so much of a slut as a gold-digger. So that’s alright. We’ll leave the footnotes at that for today so people can go give poster-Nats some CPR. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
| Echo™ v2.0 Beta 3 © 2004 Powermad Software |
|
|
