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Post By Four kinds of felony from... the Hooded Hood Sat Jul 10, 2004 at 05:33:47 am EDT |
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#156: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion of The Man versus Hacker Nine: Crash | |
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| #156: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion of The Man versus Hacker Nine: Crash The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom Who's Who in the Parodyverse Where's Where in the Parodyverse Previously: Science villain Zack Zelnitz, Hacker Nine, has stolen the bank and investment data of the whole United States, and is holding it for ransom in exchange for certain political reforms – and to impress his girlfriend, Falcon’s sister Lindy Wilson. He has captured the LL’s computer AI, HALLIE, and is holding her at his new secret base, the captured NORAD HQ in Cheyenne Mountain. The Lair Legion are pursuing a series of clues left by H9 to lead them to him. At least three assassins have been dispatched to kill him first: alien enforcer Gamona, Pelopia, Disciple of Logos, and the new Confiscator. Meanwhile, Sorceress has learned that her lover Hatman is not dead as she previously thought but trapped in Faerie, and Nats has accidentally married the Abhuman princess Uhunalura. Now back to our regularly scheduled act of interactive social reform urban anarchist street art…  HALLIE by Visionary For HALLIE’s Matrix impression, look here (javascript required) *** The banshee’s shriek woke the house at midnight, reaching deep into the primal core of the sleepers and dragging them screaming from their dreams. Fast as Yo and Lisa got there, Sir Mumphrey Wilton was at Sorceress’ door first. “Whitney!” he called out, “Open up!” “Fat chance of that, since Hatman died,” muttered Lisa. Mumphrey fiddled with his pocketwatch, as he often seemed to do in times of stress. “Kick in the door, please, Yo.” He’d moved the defensive magics a couple of minutes ahead in time with the Chronometer of Infinity. The door flew in, and Mumphrey, Yo, and Lisa hurried inside. Sorceress was laid pale and motionless inside another smeared pentagram, chilled with the cold from the realms between life and death. For a moment there was the clanking of chains. “Are you alright, m’dear?” Mumphrey asked urgently, wrapping the shivering Sorceress in his dressing gown. “Yo is thinking there is to be having been something not-nice in here,” Yo worried, glancing round the candle-lit room. “It’s sometimes useful to have a resident ghost on guard,” admitted Lisa. “Sorry,” shivered Whitney Darkness. “Something attacked me from the domain of Death. I didn’t expect it.” Mumphrey looked at his grand-daughter closely. “Enough domain of Death stuff for you, I think,” he said severely. “Didn’t you learn anything from last time?” Sorceress looked up angrily. “I learned never to trust my grandmother ever again. Or were you in the little secret as well!” “Secret?” Lisa asked. “Jay is alive!” Whitney hissed. “Alive!” Yo shook his/her head sadly. “Yo was being there to be seeing when poor-Jay was to be being blasted to nothingnesses.” “That wasn’t him!” cried the Sorceress. “Hagatha suspected. Hagatha knew. And she didn’t tell me! That cruel hag kept quiet, because she thought I would be a better witch without Jay! She only told me yesterday, after all this time!” “You’re sayin’ young Boaz is alive?” Sir Mumphrey questioned. “Are you sure? How? Where?” “The creature that died in the battle with Ultimate Ultizon was a shapechanger from faerie that had taken Jay’s place,” Whitney said bitterly. “It imprisoned Jay in faerie after he stayed behind to save us from the Wilde Hunt. All this time Hagatha let me think my Hat was dead, and all this time he’s been trapped there, suffering.” “Well then,” said Mumphrey. “We go get him back.” Whitney looked up with wet dark eyes. “It’s not that simple,” she warned them. “You did what?” Lindy Wilson demanded, hands on hips, staring at Hacker Nine. “I, um, stole the entire financial database for the US, all computer records of all financial transactions and assets held, every bank account and credit card file. And I won’t give them back until the government frees its political prisoners and stops petrol engine environmental damage and all that other stuff you said about.” Zack Zelnitz, the Technopolitan science villain, winced and looked at his date nervously. “You’re not mad at me, are you?” Lindy snorted. “Well, it’s more original than flowers and candy! ‘Hey, honey, I’ve brought the world’s only super-power to its knees to impress you on our second night out!’” “Did it?” H9 asked anxiously. “Impress you, I mean?” Lindy’s brown eyes flicked across his worried expression. “Slightly,” she admitted. “So what next?” “Next I take you back to my top-secret headquarters and we plan the brave new world,” Zack suggested. “Look, I borrowed a SPUD hover-flyer for the evening.” “You want to take me back to your top-secret HQ,” Lindy nodded. “Like I haven’t heard that before.” “You have?” Lindy couldn’t help chuckling. “You got coffee at this top-secret HQ of yours, Zack? It’s traditional to offer a girl some coffee.” Hacker Nine thought of the five years of supplies stored away in NORAD’s nuclear bomb-proof Cheyenne Mountain stronghold. “I’m pretty sure I have coffee,” he admitted. The SPUD hover-flyer ascended from the roof of Lindy’s Hell’s Bathroom apartment block. Nobody saw it in the hard drizzle, and nobody saw the green-skinned lady assassin clinging to its undercarriage as it flew away. “Pelopia, this is your father.” “I hear the Word of Order, and I obey the Voice of Reason.” “Of course you do. We have lost contact with our agents inside Cheyenne Mountain. This suggests the possibility that the quarry you seek may be active therein. Examine this further.” “I hear the Word of Order, and I obey the Voice of Reason.” “See!” proclaimed CrazySugarFreakBoy! as the surplus Membrain killbots attacked “I told you this was the place!” He somersaulted over the first of the robots, using his silly string to pull it backward into one of the effluent tanks. “That riddle said, If you play fairly you’ll have to play foul, If you would hurry you’ll need time to waste, Look for the battle where the Sea Monkeys growl, Where the penultimate clue will be placed.” “Less exposition,” grouched Mr Epitome, grinding a war machine to dust and wishing it was Dreamcatcher Foxglove. “More fighting of killer robots.” “Hey, I can fight and talk at the same time, Uberfuhrer Epitome,” the wired wonder called. To prove it he spilled two more killbots into the sewage tanks of the Boxleitner Effluent Plant. “See, the clue said playing foul, and sewage is foul. And it also mentioned waste. This biological waste treatment centre in upstate G-metropolis is where Banjoooo and the Sea Monkeys first brought the planet to a standstill when they made war on the surface world. Easy!” “Fascinating,” Falcon scowled as he detonated a tank of sludge over the next wave of killbots. “Did anyone know there were still leftover Membrain swarm machines still around in working order?” “They don’t seem to have very good insulation against water,” Al B. noted, pushing one of the heavy droids off the catwalk into another foul-smelling tank. “I think the rubber joint seals must have perished.” ~~That’s good~~ admitted Cressida, changing her attackers into beautiful bouquets by transmuting metals to petals. ~~Because once upon a time around ten thousand of these things nearly wiped out Europe~~ “Ach, she’s been reading the files again,” dull thud complained. “Swat.” “I’m surprised Visionary hasn’t said anything,” the Librarian wondered. “He was there, I believe. Visionary?” he looked around further. “Vizh?” “Did anyone notice him on the LairJet when we left New Tomorrow Industries?” Falcon demanded. “Anyone?” “Whoops,” said Al B. Harper. “Ah well.” The Manga Shoggoth plumped down heavily into the sewage vats, dragging a dozen killbots under with him. “Your biological process are very wasteful of long-chain carbon molecules,” he complained to the humans present. “I’m sure you could be redesigned to be more efficient.” “Maybe later,” dull thud replied. “Right now let’s deal with the lethal robots jumping us from all sides. And maybe look for the next clue on where we need to beat Hacker Nine up.” “Here on the gantry,” called Lee Bookman. “Engraved on this small silver box.” He dodged a killbot and snatched up the clue triumphantly. “Look for a lead where the view’s all a round, A place which is loved by the famous and posh, A place where some heroes in marriage weren’t bound, But before going you m ay need to wash?” “To wash?” frowned Falcon, landing beside the Librarian just as the explosives set to the movement sensor in the clue cube went off. Remote detonators took out the gantry posts and dropped the Lair Legion and killbots alike into the sewage. “I’m guessing that was a booby trap joke,” noted CrazySugarFreakBoy! from his vantage point on the wall. “And he was right about the washing.” “You called for back up?” Dancer asked Visionary. “Don’t say they forgot you weren’t on board the LairJet again?” “No,” denied the possibly-fake man. “Honest. Not this time.” “Then what?” Trickshot wondered. “Not but what we wusn’t glad ta get outta the mansion right now with Sorcy bein’ extra-double spooky and Yo makin’ Nats and Uhuna sit down an’ talk ta each other.” “I decided we needed to stop playing Hacker Nine’s game,” Vizh explained. “We were so busy looking for the clues he was wanting us to find that we never looked for the clues he didn’t mean to leave behind.” Dancer noticed Vizh’s sometimes-companion, the micro-robot Fleabot, crawling over a cracked wall in the decimated New Tomorrow Industries complex. “You’ve found something?” “Sure,” answered Fleabot. “The kid wrote his clue here, in ultraviolet paint. Epitome can see in the UV spectrum so the team got the message.” “But ultraviolet paint isn’t that common,” Visionary pointed out. “You don’t get it at the nearest DIY.” “I’m analysing the composition, then I’ll trace the manufacturer, maybe work out where H9 got it from,” Fleabot explained. “And then we pin his skinny toucas to the wall,” Trickshot grinned. “I like it.” “Finding the source of the paint is a bit of a longshot,” Vizh pointed out. “But the chances just got a whole lot better,” promised the Probability Dancer. “No squirming and no biting,” warned Yo as s/he sat on the sofa in the Lair Legion Living Room, directly between Princess Uhunalura of the Abhumans and Bill Reed, the superhero known as Nats. “Now pleasing to be telling Yo how is all to happen?” “Well,” answered Uhuna, “First he unzipped my jumpsuit…” “Not that,” Nats yelped. “Yo means how we came to get hitched. You do mean that, right, Yo? Please?” The pure thought being nodded, so Uhuna said, “It was after the situation with Ruby had been resolved. I was trying to cheer Nats up.” “Is that to be why you are letting him to be unzipping your jumpsuit?” “No!” Nats interjected. “She was just being nice. We flew round the city. It was a farewell, because she was going to have to go home to Atticland. Showing her the sights.” “We also imbibed some fermented grain and fruit beverages,” Uhuna admitted. “I don’t recall how many. We must have been very thirsty.” “I do kind of remember this all-nite wedding chapel,” Nats winced. “All you can marry for ten dollars.” “It was that or a tattoo,” Uhuna added. “It seemed to make sense at the time.” She stared fiercely at Nats. “He was using mind-altering drugs to ruin me!” “You? I’m the one who was hurt and vulnerable!” the flying phenomenon objected. “I just woke up next morning to find I was one half of Mr and Mrs Reed!” “And wished you weren’t” the Abhuman princess said quietly, and turned away. “No!” denied Bill. “Well, yes… but not like you think. I’m pretty fond of you, Uhuna. Maybe I could have fallen in love with you, but I knew it wasn’t allowed. You’ve got, well had, a fiancée in a marriage that’s been arranged before you were even born. I didn’t want to mess up your life.” The red-haired girl peered up at him with blotchy red-lined eyes. “Well you did,” she sniffed. “And I’ll tell you something, Bill Reed. You might not remember our wedding night but I do. And I was happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Happy! Totally happy! To be with you. I didn’t mind the consequences, I didn’t care about the vengeance of Maximess. I was with you.” She looked away again. “If only I’d known.” “Now we are to be having a breakthrough,” Yo approved. “Marginally-cute Nats?” “Uhuna…” began Bill Reed. They were interrupted by a knock and a shuffle from the door. “Thought you folks might like to know that Princess Uhuna’s family have arrived,” smirked Flapjack. “They’re not looking pleased.” “Just so we’re clear,” declared the Falcon forcefully, “you do not have jurisdiction here.” “I think I do,” argued Mr Epitome. “Under the Office of Paranormal Security standing protocols as outlined in the 1998 Special Powers Act…” “You ain’t here for the OPS,” Falc shot back. “Just like I ain’t here for SPUD. There is a Lair Legion case, and if you can’t put that at the front of your head then you haven’t any right being here. We catch this Hacker Nine nuisance we throw his butt into the Safe. That’s when your department can try and squirrel him away and convince him to work for Uncle Sam. If SPUD doesn’t get there first.” “So it’s a table at the back,” sniffed the Maitre D’ at the Twin Paradopolis’ Tower’s famous revolving restaurant. “A table for…” his gaze washed over dull thud and the Manga Shoggoth and it was hard to see which he had the most distaste for, “five people, one gooey glob, and… a monkey?” “Hey!” objected thud ~~And a telepathic tapeworm,~~ added Cressida from inside thuddy intestine. ~~A table with a view please.~~ “Are we sure this is the place?” Al B. Harper worried, looking round the exclusive dining spot. “It looks quiet enough.” “Sure it’s here,” CSFB! assured him. “Look at the clue. Well, look at it if we managed to wash it off thoroughly enough. Here’s a posh place with a view that goes round, and ManMan and Troia were nearly forced to get married here once by Holy Wedlock.” Mr Epitome winced as he was reminded of the class of villain the Lair Legion often faced. “It was in Dancer #18,” CSFB! told him helpfully. “Do you think these table arrangements are for just anybody?” speculated the Manga Shoggoth hungrily. “If it’s any help in deciding if this is the right place,” the Librarian added helpfully, “we’ve just been trapped inside the restaurant in a Level Four Technopolitan Force Field.” HALLIE couldn’t believe her hologrammatic eyes. “Lindy? Lindy Wilson? What are you doing here?” “Busted!” flinched Falcon’s little sister. “Zack, you never told me the Lair Legion’s computer AI was here!” “Agh, sorry!” Hacker Nine winced. “Wasn’t thinking. I needed to kidnap HALLIE earlier or she’d have blown my whole plot before the big finish.” “What are you doing here Lin…” HALLIE repeated, then frowned and said, “There’s a big finish?” “Sure,” beamed H9. “The good guys get the last clue from the waiter at the restaurant. It’s basically just a table reservation at the cafeteria here at Cheyenne Mountain, they should work it out about NORAD from that. They’ll eventually find a way to break the force-field. Al B. Harper’s with them, right? When they come here, I set all the base defences against them and clear out just in time.” She glanced across at Lindy. “It’ll be awesome,” he assured her. “I dunno, Zack. That’s my big bro you’re trying to smoosh over the walls.” “Strictly non-lethal defences,” Hacker Nine promised. “I told you, I don’t kill people. This one time, Premiere only caught me because I had to stop to pull a kid out of the way of my megaterrorzoid.” “How comforting,” HALLIE told him. “And what about all the people you’re hurting with this silly game of yours right now?” “Hurting?” H9’s face clouded. “Nobody’s being hurt.” “He’s only trying to make the world a better place,” Lindy argued. “For me!” “What about all the folks who won’t get their social security checks this week, and can’t buy food?” HALLIE demanded. “The families with no work when the stock market crashes wipe out their employers? The old folks who can’t get at the money they saved up their whole lives?” “Um…” said Zack Zelnitz. “I didn’t… I guess that never occurred to me.” HALLIE folder her arms. “So what are you going to do about it?” “Just some diagnostic stuff, you said,” complained Fleabot. “You never mentioned breaking in to NORAD HQ” “This is where the paint came from, right?” Vizh argued. “And all the guards aren’t normally supposed to be asleep.” “Aw, breaking into top-secret government bases is all part of the job,” Trickshot boasted. “I do it practically every week.” “Maybe one day you will get it right?” speculated Gamona the Assassin, dropping down on the irritating archer and rendering him unconscious with a quick pinch to the caryatid artery. “Hold still, and I will immobilise you all as painlessly as possible.” Dancer looked the green mesh-tattooed woman up and down. “Keep going Vizh,” she declared. “Me and the skank queen are going to have a little dance.” Timespace bent in ways that were not allowed, and finally ripped apart to spit the Manga Shoggoth out of N-Dimensional Space into the heart of the NORAD complex. The chymeric gate did not obey the usual laws of physics and had completely ignored Hacker Nine’s sophisticated force field. As he arrived the Manga Shoggoth burst open, disgorging his slime-covered unconscious team-mates. “You may now regain cognitive functions,” the elder being assured them, using the smelling salts taken from the lady at table nine in the Twin Towers restaurant for the purpose. “You no longer need to retain a hypnagogic state to prevent yourself from being driven insane by the transplanar folding I performed to bring us here.” “Ouch,” said Falcon, shifting stiffly. “Let’s not do that again soon.” “I still say I could have stayed awake,” argued Al B. Harper. “I can handle the math.” “Is it me, or is this Shoggoth goo even nastier than the crap we fell into earlier?” complained dull thud. “Yeuch.” ~~Hey, Davie, I have to live in your stomach. Considering what you put in there, I have no sympathy.~~ The Librarian brushed his hand across one of the flickering computers in the command centre. “Hmm. Hacker Nine has programmed the base defences against us. Excuse me while I transfer that data out of the system. There. Now we won’t get gassed and sonic-dazzled as we go to the main computer core where Hacker Nine is hiding.” “We need two teams,” CSFB! called. “We need to run interference for each other. Al, thuddy, Cressie, with me. Shoggy, go with Falc, L!, and Buttface along the upper passage. Let’s hustle guys!” “L?” objected the Librarian. “I told you not to…” “Buttface?” snarled Mr Epitome; but CSFB! and his team were already rattling down the corridor. “I quite like Shoggy,” noted the Manga Shoggoth. He was still chuckling when the fast-acting metachemical compound grenade exploded in his biomass, sending him slithering to the ground as an uncoordinated puddle of protoplasm. “An attack!” Epitome was able to warn before the heavy duty tranquilliser hit him in the stomach. The dose was perfectly calculated to knock down the Paragon of Power. Falcon spotted the assailant, an athletic man in grey combat gear. “I got him!” he called, just before one of the EMP drones fastened on his armour and shorted his flight suit. The Confiscator was ready for him and rendered him unconscious before he could rise from his crash. That just left the Librarian. Lee Bookman reached forward and grabbed the mercenary’s forearm. He dragged back the sleeve because he needed bare skin contact to transfer the contents of the data he carried in his mind in one traumatic download to another being. The Confiscator got hit with the complete works of Stephen Hawkins. “Read them,” he replied calmly and rendered the Librarian insensate. “Thought he overstated some of his suppositions as conclusions to be honest.” He looked over his work. Four Legionnaires in less than twenty seconds. “Not bad,” his unseen companion admitted, “although the Shoggoth is already recovering. Let’s go.” “Okay,” Hacker Nine told HALLIE. “I’ve put the damn files back where they were. More or less.” “More or less?” Lindy said suspiciously. “So I skimmed a bit off the very richest accounts and whacked a $100 into all the poorest,” admitted H9. “I needed to apologise for being an ass.” HALLIE nodded. “Okay. Now set me loose and we’ll see about the Lair Legion not ripping your head off.” H9 shook that same head. “N-uh. I’m not giving in. I’m still intending my spectacular escape, to plot anew another day.” He looked speculatively at Lindy. “You coming?” “Call me,” she said. “But next time candy and flowers is okay.” “Time for me to go then,” Zack told her. “I hope you don’t get grounded or anything. I’d erase HALLIE’s memory of you but that would be kind of immoral. Sorry.” “Go,” Lindy sighed to him, “before my brother pounds you.” “Actually,” H9 puzzled, “he and his entire team are down. Strange. I thought that Librarian had neutralised what I’d done to NORAD defences?” “Look at the other team,” HALLIE pointed out, staring at the second monitor. “Now they’re under attack too.” “Pelopia!” CSFB! beamed. “I found you at last! Okay, here's the deal. Mumph is in charge of the Lair Legion right now, so I already talked to him about getting you on the team. He said he'd have to think about it, but even if he can't do it, I can still probably get you on the roster of the Globetrotting Gangbusters, since neither you nor the Order of Order has actually committed any crimes, so it's not even like you're technically a ‘supervillain’. In the meantime, I should be able to get Mr. Book to put you up in Odyssey Opportunities at the Towel of Babel, which has this totally tricked-out security system so The Word won't be able to kidnap you back or anything…” The Disciple of Logos frowned over at Dreamcatcher Foxglove and tried not to remember the last time she’d seen him. “Wait. Stop. What are you talking about?” “What is this?” Al B. Harper whispered to dull thud. “Isn’t she a super-villain or something? Is she supposed to be in a top secret military installation?” “I think CSFB! and her were pelvis pals a while back,” thuddy muttered back. “Best we just slip away and get on with the mission, eh? At least he’s keeping her busy.” ~~He is head over heels in love with her~~ declared Cressida the worm wonder. ~~I hope he’ll be alright…~ The wired wonder was oblivious to the conversation and unaware of his team-mates slipping off to look for Hacker Nine. All his attention was focussed on the bald girl in white. “What do you mean, ‘what do I mean’? I'm talking about getting you away from The Word and the Order of Order, and getting you safe ... you know, so you can get yourself set up as a superhero, and we can fight crime and have adventures together, and just plain be together, like Hank and Jan, or Vizh and Wanda, or Clint and Bobbi, except without you or me going nuts and turning evil and one of us winding up dead. I mean, that is why you came here, isn't it?” Pelopia shook her head. “No. I came here on a mission of my own, and you will not interfere with it. I have said what I need to say to you, and I am now giving you the option of getting out of my way before I injure you. Go away.” “You’re here for Hacker Nine?” CSFB! realised. “I can’t let you take him! But look, you don’t have to serve the Word any more…” CrazySugarFreakBoy! could have blocked the kick from the Disciple of Logos. He didn’t, and was toppled back, his mouth bleeding. “You don’t have to do this…” The second assault left him barely conscious on the ground. “Pelopia… I love…” The third attack took him down hard. “What do you see in him?” HALLIE asked Lindy Wilson as H9 vanished down the corridor. “He makes me laugh.” Hacker Nine had reversed his data transfer, but he still had copies of every bank database in the US. He comforted himself with that thought as he hurried down towards his stolen grav-cruiser, humming the Star Wars theme tune. And then, like Darth Vader on the Death Star, a figure stepped out of the shadows to challenge him. “Okay, you little punk!” Visionary scowled. “What have you done with HALLIE?” “HALLIE?” H9 puzzled. “Nothing. She’s pretty perfect as she is, and that’s amazing when you consider that she’s basically a self-rewriting algorithm that… ow! You hit me!” “I’ll beat you to a pulp if you don’t tell me where HALLIE is,” threatened Visionary. “So tell.” “Back there! She’s fine! Don’t hit me again!” “She better be, buster. Now turn round and…” The Confiscator touched Visionary and the possibly-fake man crumpled to the floor. “Shame to rain on his finest hour,” the mercenary noted. “Ah well.” “You’re not one of the Lair Legion!” Hacker Nine observed, looking up at the tall stranger. “Very true,” the Confiscator admitted. “You’ve annoyed a lot of people, kid.” He reached for his sword. “And you’re not walking away from it.” “Okay, don’t move!” dull thud warned as he and Al B. Harper rounded the corner. “Not even so you can take the kid into custody?” the Confiscator asked. He casually tossed the severed head over to them. ~~Hacker Nine?~~ gasped Cressida ~~You…~~~ Then the gas capsule taped to the side of the head exploded and dropped thud, Cressie, and Al B. choking to the floor. The Confiscator had respiratory filters in his mask, so he strolled past, retrieved his trophy, and sauntered away down the corridor. “It could have been a lot worse,” considered Mr Epitome as NORAD HQ swarmed with SPUD and OPS mop-up troops. “We didn’t get Hacker Nine but neither did the opposition. He won’t be bothering us again.” “Worse?” objected Falcon. “We’ve got CSFB! on a stretcher, we have four separate security breaches at Cheyenne Mountain, and three of ‘em walked way…” “That Gamona is very good,” Dancer apologised. “We could probably have kept fighting all day. But I suppose the Lynchpin will have a dozen witnesses to say she was somewhere else when I was battling her.” “We need to upgrade the threat rating of that new Confiscator,” suggested HALLIE. “He’s very good. And well informed.” “And not alone,” added Fleabot. “I still don’t know what hit me.” “And a murderer,” added Visionary wrathfully. “I really don’t like him.” “Plus can anybody explain to me why my little sister is here?” Falcon demanded. “Oh, like now you ask,” Lindy shouted, then burst into tears. “You killed him, all of you. I hate you!” “This isn’t turning into a good day,” Trickshot admitted.. “You have besmirched the honour of a Princess of Atticland,” declared Maximess the Slightly-Mad, “and stolen from me my lawful bride. Your actions are an insult to the Abhuman race and a profound breach of diplomatic protocol. There is only one possible response. The Abhumans are now at war with the Human Race, and we will not rest until every last one of you is snuffed out.” Next Issue: We finally catch up on a long-missing cast member and find out what it means to be a hero. That’s in the strange and unusual UT#157 - Untold Winter Tales: The Sleeping Hero. And Coming Next Week: Nats has to face the consequences of his actions. Sorceress makes a life-choice. The Librarian hunts the Confiscator. Lindy accuses the Falcon. Cressida receives a shock. Lisa makes a house call. ManMan gets visitors. Uhuna explains things to her family – or not. And the world trembles. Don’t miss UT#158 - Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: The Abhuman War Where Have All the Footnotes Gone? The Banshee: Marie Murcheson was murdered in the Lair Mansion almost a century and a half ago. Since then her spirit has dwelled in the building, keening to warn of the death of a household member, and defending the site against mystical incursion. Parody Island is protected against cosmic-level attack by ancient fiat of the Celestian Space Robots, and under certain circumstances Marie has proved able to draw upon vast external power to maintain her guardianship. Sorceress’ predicament at the beginning of this issue, an assault by the Chain Knight who has become the new Death, is exactly such an occasion. Pelopia and the Word: For those who haven’t caught onto the irony yet, CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s philanthropic benefactor Gideon Book, CEO of Odyssey Industries, is also secretly his arch foe the Word, leader of the Order of Order. CSFB! only knows Pelopia as the Word’s daughter, so his offer to bring her to Book for safety is somewhat awkward. Readers may recall that the last time we saw Pelopia she was pregnant with CFSB!’s child. Nothing like nine months has passed since then, but as we will eventually learn the foetus is now being incubated ex-vitrio. CrazySugarFreakBoy! remains ignorant of the child’s conception. Membrain was an early foe of the Lair Legion, a green skinned, bald headed, red eyed mutant created by Baron Zemo and Dr Vishnar. Membrain evolved from moron to genius with frightening speed, and then escaped control and decided to destroy the human race using a cloned cyborgs killbot army. Just before he could kill Zemo, however, explosives in his castle went off and he was crushed by stone and Zemo's throne. This is the first we have heard of any of his vast army surviving the Lair Legion’s cleanup. The Sea Monkeys vs Planet Earth, staged from the Boxleitner Sewage Works in upstate Gothametropolis, formed the central plot of Lair Legion: Year One, part 3 – What happened when Banjooooo declared war on the human race, and why it’s a bad idea to ever go to the lavatory again The Revolving Restaurant in Paradopolis’ landmark Twin Parody Tower was famously the venue of Holy Wedlock’s attack on Troia and ManMan in Dancer #15. And thanks to Kirk (CSFB!) Boxleitner for assistance with Dream and Pelopia’s dialogue. More of that in UT#159. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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