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Post By Many stories are concluded in this double sized chunk of Parodyversania from... the Hooded Hood. Sat Jul 24, 2004 at 12:29:12 pm EDT |
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#159: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Abhuman Relations, or Broken Contracts | |
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| #159: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Abhuman Relations, or Broken Contracts The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom Who's Who in the Parodyverse Where's Where in the Parodyverse Previously: When Nats and Abhuman princess Uhunalura wake up married after a night on the town, Uhuna’s fiancée the evil mind-controlling Abhuman prince Maximess is less than happy. He demands by ancient law the right to dismember his soiled bride and to have the Abhumans terminate the human race. The Lair Legion feel this is a slight over-reaction and seek to prevent these events. Yo suspects the Hooded Hood’s influence in the confusion of events. Sir Mumphrey Wilton has old unfinished business with Maximess the Slightly Mad. And meanwhile the countdown clock to the genetic destruction of the human race continues… In some ways the Abhumans were not a race of bizarre diverse metahumans each with his own genetically-implanted superpower. In some ways the Abhumans were one organism with many bodies, like a swarm of bees. Each component was carefully bred at the behest of the Genetics Council, modified using the Plot-Altering Mists that welled from the ancient machinery which had originally created the people of Atticland. Every Abhuman had their role to play, from the lowliest Snuffler Drone to the Royal Family themselves, pinnacles of biological specialisation. See how they work together? There, the statuesque redhead with the monofilament hair, slicing the Manga Shoggoth into pieces? That’s Sylverkrin, Queen of the Abhumans, fiery, passionate, and devoted to her people. Beside her the short kung-fu artist with the bulbous head-dome and spindly legs is Krakus, whose ability to give really nasty Chinese burns to dull thud is but the first of the powers that make him High Genetics Priest of the Great Relief. The huge cloven-hoofed warrior is Garglon, whose feet can cause thunderstorms. Look, even now the lightning strikes are giving Nats an afro. The reptilian one with the big purple diapers is Toadton, whose strength comes from his ability to survive at great pressures beneath the seas. Trickshot has just punctured his water-bags with an arrow, but the aqueous Abhuman is fighting on despite bad seepage. The Royal Family are responding to a brutal violation of their genetics code, the despoiling of their youngest princess, the injury-transferring Uhunalura. While Uhuna visited the world of humans she married and slept with Nats, thus destroying the grand pattern of genetic purity, robbing Prince Maximess the Manic of his bride-to-be and threatening the whole future of the Abhumans. No wonder the human pestilence is to be wiped from the planet in retribution. But the Royal Family are not Atticland’s only defenders. See, here comes the Seeker, humourless sheriff of the Abhumans, hovering on his floater-discs and commanding three dozen great Atticland war-statues. The animated giants carved as war-pigs lumber forward, their jaws opened to reveal their megadeath throat-blasters. Falcon swoops down, weaving a complicated dangerous pattern between the great robots, tempting them to fire at each other. The spray of malachite debris is almost as dangerous as the silicone sentinels themselves. And now Mr Epitome leaps in to wrestle with the Seeker, resisting the terawatt-level energy discharges from the sheriff’s discipline gloves and fighting back with a roundhouse left. The common guard caste of Atticland surges forward too, with claw and horn and firetail and taser-priapus to defend their nation. ManMan stands against them, complaining that he shouldn’t be here, sentient blade Knifey in hand. Dancer somersaults over them and tangles them in disarray while Al B. dodges for cover behind the Abhuman automated defence system console, screwdriver in hand. Unengaged in the combat so far is the old man in the tweed waistcoat who leans on the vast teleporting war-pig Suresnout. Uhuhalura’s pet is the only Abhuman present not fighting the invaders. Indeed, it is Suresnout whose treachery has teleported these invaders into the catacomb levels of the Great Relief, past all defences that would keep any but an Abhuman away. For Suresnout loves Uhuna, and does not wish to see her dismantled in punishment for her crimes and for the pleasure of her ex-fiancée Maximess. Now the beast must aid his mistress before the mad Prince of the Abhumans takes his revenge upon her. “Nats,” Sir Mumphrey Wilton calls. “Stop playing with Krakus and go with Suresnout. Find Uhuna and keep her safe. Trickshot will play with the thunderhoof, what?” “On it, boss man,” the irritating archer smirks, rolling across the floor and coming to his feet bow nocked to see how Krakus likes an electroshock arrow. “Okay,” Nats gasps, breaking free of the lighting field but being buffeted by the other localised weather patterns. “Lead on, big pig. But I’m not sure about this.” “I’m not sure about this,” Lisa admitted as they pulled the creaky chain that rang the doorbell. “I mean, I’ve played the we-had-dinner-a-few-times card here before, and the Hooded Hood’s not known for falling for the same trick twice.” “That’s a good point,” agreed Sorceress. “How are we going to convince the Hood to reverse the retcon he did on Nats and Uhuna and undo the war that’s about to happen?” “Is to be okay,” Yo assured Whitney Darkness and the first lady of the Lair Legion. “You have been to be fighting the Hooded Hooding before now.” The pure thought being smiled. “But he has never yet to be facing Yo.” The portal creaked open. From within, a dark Latvian voice bade them, “Good morrow. Enter freely, and of you own will.” “Oh,” swallowed Lisa. “Joy.” “I’m not sure about this,” worried Visionary as he and the Librarian pushed aside the saloon-style neon purple plastic doors and made their way into Pious Pedro’s All-Nite Wedding Chapel. “I’m pretty sure I should be teaching the juniors Intermediate Mayhem right about now.” It was a sign of how much he didn’t like the garish marriage parlour that he would have preferred to be with Kerry, Harlagaz, Fashion Accessory, Ham-Boy and Glory. “This is where Nats and Uhuna were married,” the Librarian reminded him. “We have to find out what happened. Perhaps they were being mind-controlled or something.” “Come in,” the bored receptionist told them. “The matrimony minister will be free in a moment. He’s just finishing up.” The tinny strains of recorded organ music sounded from the interior of the building, then a set of shiny lacy latex curtains unfolded to reveal the happy couple processing out of the chapel. The groom was ninety if he was a day, leaning on a zimmer frame and wheezing as he staggered down the aisle. But he was beaming fondly at the nineteen year old lap-dancer who supported him in her white micro-wedding-dress. “That’s…” Visionary began, fascinated at how the bride’s halter stayed in place (spirit gum). “That’s just…” “Oh, Mister Rockerdecker is one of our regulars,” the receptionist told them. “He’ll be back next week with a new wife after a multi-million dollar divorce settlement.” She eyed Visionary and the Librarian. “Are you two together?” she speculated. “No,” Vizh said quickly, moving apart from Lee Bookman quickly. “We’re just here to ask a few questions.” The bored receptionist pointed to the brochure stand. “Rates are on there. We can do you straight away but you provide the bride or there’s an extra charge and you have to learn basic Estonian.” The Librarian touched one of the leaflets and absorbed its information. “You have a special license from Paradopolis City Hall,” he realised. “The weddings you perform are legal.” “We can do our own blood-testing too,” the matrimony minister told them proudly, emerging for the next couple. “For a small extra fee we can also have a standby midwife for those really urgent marriage ceremonies.” But Lee Bookman hadn’t spent all that time unsticking and filing the Lair Legion’s files for nothing. He recognised the priest immediately. “Holy Wedlock!” he cried out. The matrimony minister looked up sharply. “Yes?” he replied. The Lair Legion had the advantage of surprise, and for a moment it looked like they could win. But the Abhumans had not yet deployed their biggest guns. From the Tower of Genetics Maximess the Slightly Mad turned away from the dissection slab where he was about to start work on Uhuna and watched the battle below. “Hmm, best accelerate the destruction of mankind,” he noted to his captive. “Not all the biotech virus dispensers will be in place yet, so this may take more than the projected twenty-four hours to depopulate the planet, but I suppose it gives the humans more time to hurt.” “No!” shrieked Uhuna, struggling against her bonds as Maximess held his thumb over the launch button. “Maxi, please! I’ll do anything you want, but don’t kill them all!” The evil Prince of the Abhumans paused for a moment. “Anything I want?” he speculated. “Anything at all? Hmmm…” Uhuna blanched and swallowed hard. Maximess flicked on a microphone so his voice could be heard down at the conflict. “All humans attend to me. This is Maximess the wronged. I command you all to stop fighting now and allow my people to tear you limb from limb. That is all.” Then he turned back to leer at Uhuna. “Well now, my beauty…” In the courtyard below, the Lair Legion faltered as Maximess’ mind control interfered with their reflexes. They tried to resist, but one by one Dancer, thuddy, Al B. Harper, ManMan and Trickshot all disappeared under hordes of angry Abhumans. Mr Epitome and Falcon lasted longer because of their psi-resistance training but were taken down by rear attacks from Krakus and Garglon. “He did only say humans, right?” the Manga Shoggoth checked, rolling over Krakus and Garglon towards the fallen Legionnaires. The Abhuman mob were suddenly a lot less interested in tearing them apart and more motivated to run shrieking for their lives. ~~That’s what the man said,~~ agreed Cressida the wonder worm from dull thud’s intestine. She transmuted blows to throws and the fanatic few that were still striking her teammates were hurled away with bone-shattering force. ~~He never said we couldn’t stop them.~~ “Heh,” snickered Knifey. “Just like the old days.” Then the whole city shook, tumbling Legionnaire and Abhuman alike. The ground broke apart and Brown Blot, King of the Abhumans, floated through the breach, electrons crackling round the control spoon strapped to his forehead. “Ah crap,” breathed Trickshot painfully. “Dancer, over to you.” The plan called for the Probability Dancer to prevent Blot from using his massive electrokinesis abilities and his even more devastating intestinal eruption power. “I’d love to,” Sarah Shepherdson told the irritating archer, “But Maximess said not to.” “You must overcome that inhibition, Dancer,” Mr Epitome urged her. “Sure. Dancer has inhibitions,” snorted Falcon. “I’m trying,” Dancer promised them, “but Maximess said…” Brown Blot’s electron-spoon crackled with lethal force. Then the energies around him froze. “That’s enough of that,” grumped Sir Mumphrey Wilton, holding his temporal pocketwatch and glaring around him at the time-stopped city. More properly, he had slid himself out of time since that took rather less temporal power and could be sustained for longer. “Right, Maximess, show yourself, you bounder, and let’s be thrashin’ you.” In the Tower of Genetics the Abhuman prince once again turned from his anticipated torment of Uhuna with an irritated sigh. “Excuse me, my dear,” he told her. “I have to go and deal with an old problem. Just lie there and practise your screaming and pleading.” The princess, likewise shielded from the timestop by the special properties of the Tower, continued to struggle. “Mumphrey Wilton,” noted Prince Maximess, striding onto the balcony to look down on the eccentric Englishman. “You’ve changed. I didn’t recognise you when we met in the Savage park that time. You’ve become so old.” “And I didn’t know you because of that Abhuman mind-block I let ‘em put on me,” Mumph responded. “But I know a cad when I see one, and it’s all come back to me now. I owe you a sound wallopin’.” “You?” Maximess mocked. “A feeble old man clinging to his memories of a dead wife and former glories? On your best day you couldn’t have stopped me once I gained immunity to your time-adjusting device. And now you dare face me with your idle mouthings as if you were still a strutting hero prancing around with that Canterbury slut?” Sir Mumphrey Wilton’s face darkened. “I may not be as young as I was,” he warned the Abhuman villain, “but I make up for it by bein’ a bigger bastard.” Then Nats catapulted into Maximess at roughly MACH 2. Mumphrey had omitted the flying phenomenon from the timestop too. “Hey, Prince A**hole, time to see how you like being dissected,” Bill Reed hissed. “I wondered how long it would take before some superhero came meddling in my business,” Holy Wedlock frowned, his steely gaze boring into the Librarian and Visionary. “But I know how to deal with interlopers.” “So if he married Nats and Uhuna it’s legal?” Vizh worried as he backed away from the crazed cleric. “Yes,” Lee Bookman admitted, likewise backing away. “It’s his super-power to make people get married to each other. Plus he has that special license from City Hall.” “But I know how to punish interfering heroes,” Holy Wedlock promised. “Shirley, get Enormous Irma on the phone. Tell her that at long last I’ve found husbands for her and her big sister!” “Is mean,” Yo lectured the Hooded Hood. “Is not just to be trick on Natsing who is to be being rude to you but is also horrible to cute-Uhuna who is to be being heartbroken!” The cowled crime czar shrugged. “What part of archvillain didn’t you understand?” “The part where you do something so mean and petty,” Lisa answered. “C’mon Ioldobaoth, your schemes are always tinged with cosmic grandeur.” “Sometimes I take a day off,” the Hood answered. “And Nats is so very irritating.” “True,” agreed Sorceress, “but marrying him to a hot Abhuman princess isn’t really that great a revenge is it?” “I have brought the world to the brink of destruction once more,” the archvillain pointed out. “That’s not bad with one small retcon.” “So there was a retcon,” Lisa pointed out. “You did do it?” “Nats and Uhuna did it, over and over again,” the Hooded Hood smirked. “I don’t know where they get their energy, those young people. I just arranged for things to happen in a certain way.” “In meanest and most horrible way!” Yo scolded. “Is not to be right and you are to be putting it back, Hooded Hooding villain!” The Hood raised one eyebrow. “Really? Why?” “Because is to be being right thing to do. And because Yo is to be telling you!” “Careful Yo,” Lisa warned, “This is…” “This is uncute Hooding who is to be hurting of Yo’s friends!” shouted the pure thought being, “And he is to be stopping it or Yo is to be dealing with him!” Sorceress shifted uneasily as she felt the atmosphere of Herringcarp Asylum darken. “Yo, it might not be a good idea to…” “Yes! Is good idea! Yo thinks so!” Yo answered, glaring at the cowled crime czar. “Yo is being to be deputy-leader of Lair Legioning and we are to be banding together to fight nasty uncute villainings who need to be being kicked for badness. Yo is not to be letting Hooded Hooding or anybody else to be hurting Yo-friends. Is Yo-power to be doing what Yo thinks Yo can do, and Yo is telling Hooded Hood to put it back, or Yo is thinking Yo will be really angry!” The Hooded Hood cradled his fingertips and leaned back on his throne. “Indeed?” he noted. “That would be interesting to see. But I suppose I could undo the retcon if it means so much to you. There are conditions, of course.” “Conditions?” said Lisa suspiciously. “I will require a favour of Nats. Nothing criminal or immoral, purely a matter of derring do. It is insanely dangerous, of course, with a fair chance of him being horribly killed.” “That’s fine,” Lisa agreed. “What else?” “I will require the consent of the two young people who were married. If they request it I will revert things so they never wed.” “But Uhunalura is shielded from Lisa’s summoning,” the Sorceress objected. The Hooded Hood’s eyes flashed for a moment. “Try now,” he suggested. Maximess hammered his fist into Nats’ head; except the flying phenomenon wasn’t there. “Over here,” called Bill Reed, catching the Abhuman villain another juicy punch on his already-crumpled nose and backing it up with a telekinetic kick equivalent to a car crash. “What, you’re not enjoying a fight against someone who can fight back?” “Die!” Maximess commanded him, channelling the full force of his fury into the telepathic command. Nats spasmed as white fire seared through his pain cortex, but he wiped the blood from his nose and came back. “Been there, done that,” Bill Reed answered, kicking the evil Prince in the ribs and pyrokinetically detonating the lobes in Maximess’ brain that controlled his telepathic abilities. Maximess screamed. “So let’s be clear,” Nats told his enemy as he literally beat the crap out of him. “You take back your demand that the Abhumans destroy human life on Earth.” First one then the other of Maximess’ kneecaps shattered. “You withdraw your claim to have Uhuna dissected or harmed in any way.” Nats snapped Maximess’ ribcage with another angry blow. “And you keep the hell away from my wife!” Maximess slithered to the floor and sobbed into the pool of blood that surrounded him. Nats blinked as he came out of the red fury that had possessed him. It was as if all the rage and frustration of the last few days had welled up and become his to command. He rushed over to Uhuna and at his wrathful glance the bonds holding her evaporated into fragments of dust. Uhuna looked at him uncertainly, eyes wide with terror and amazement. “B-Bill?” she checked. Then they were both summonsed far away. Time ran forward once more in the Great Relief. Brown Blot rose up and released his devastating gastric attack. No longer impeded by Maximess’ command the Probability Dancer vaulted up and kicked the king of the Abhumans in the gut. By mischance Brown Blot hiccupped at the wrong time, his internal discharges misfiring. He literally exploded. Five hundred miles of Himalayas became a streaming foetid crater and every living thing in the Atticland was destroyed. The Chronometer of Infinity wound back time twenty seconds as it had been programmed to do. The devastation was reversed. Dancer did a curious backwards jump and Brown Blow sunk towards the ground sucking in electrostatic energies as he went. Normally people didn’t recall what had happened when Mumphrey replayed time. On this occasion he made sure that they did. “Stop!” the eccentric Englishman called out to the combatants. “Any more fighting and you’ve seen what happens!” The battle came to an uneasy truce. “I’m really disappointed in you Abhumans,” Mumphrey told the assembly. “You once told me you were eternally grateful for what Madge and I did for you, yet here you are tryin’ to wipe out the human race! And I have granddaughters, y’know!” He swung round to Blot and Sylverkrin. “What have you to say for yourselves, hmm?” “We… we have been wronged,” Brown Blot answered, but with shamefaced look. “Nats?” Mumphrey challenged them. “Nice enough young chap. Brave, kind, good, if thick as two short planks. Honest as the day is long, does what’s right just because he can, heart as big as all outdoors. Marvellous in-law. Damn sight better than that Maximess wart.” “According to our most sacred laws Prince Maximess has the right to demand vengeance for the theft of his bride,” Sylverkrin explained. “We have no choice but to…” “Hmph.” Nobody could hmph like Sir Mumphrey Wilton. “We’ll see about that. Suresnout!” There was a crackle of teleportation energies and the great Abhuman war-pig appeared and dropped Maximess at Mumph’s feet. “Good, er, creature,” Mumphrey told it. “Trickshot, scratch its ears for it.” “Me? Why me?” objected the irritating archer. “You’re expendable,” Falcon told him. Sir Mumphrey leaned over and jerked the bloody bulk of Maximess off the broken floor. “Are you withdrawin’ your demands and giving up your rights, you bounder?” he demanded of the broken villain. “Or do I need to start convincing you as well?” The eccentric Englishman leaned down and murmured, “And you know I won’t be as nice as Nats, right?” “I… I withdraw,” blubbed Maximess. “You release Uhuna from all obligation or guilt, and revoke your right of vengeance on her and the human race?” demanded Sylverkrin quickly. “Do you?” “Yes,” gulped Maximess as Mumphrey shook him. “Very wise,” agreed the eccentric Englishman, dropping the villain’s head back onto the pavement. “Well then, all that remains is to clean up the mess and mend a few fences, what?” ~~Nearly all,~~ chimed in Cressida. ~~I’d like to note something as well, something the Abhumans haven’t thought of.~~ Brown Blot turned a puzzled face to Krakus. “Is she one of ours?” “No sire, but she could be by her genetic makeup. She’s been exposed to Plot-Altering Mists – but not Our Plot-Altering Mists.” “But there are no others,” objected Garglon. “Exactly,” worried Krakus. ~~As I was saying,~~ interrupted the worm wonder. ~~Your Plot-Altering Mists create Abhumans designed to fit special niches, each exact in powers and character for what your nation needs. So what if Uhuna wasn’t making a mistake in going to Nats? What if what your race requires is some experience of the outside world? Some cross-breeding with new stock even? What if that’s what she’s meant to do?~~ The Abhuman Royal Family looked at one another in consternation. “We will discuss this,” Brown Blot declared. “Let Uhunalura come forth. Uhuna?” But Nats and Uhuna were gone. “Do you wish to be married, or would you prefer that it had never happened?” the Hooded Hood asked Nats and Uhuna. “Never happened,” Bill Reed told him. “Not that Uhuna isn’t a great girl, but the way it happened, and the trouble it caused…” “And you, your highness?” the Hood enquired. Uhuna cast a tearful look at Nats. “If Bill doesn’t want it then I don’t,” she said at last. “So be it,” declared the Hooded Hood. His eyes flashed greenly and the world changed. “Hey,” objected the Librarian, looking at the marriage register in the wedding chapel. “According to this document the wedding you performed wasn’t legal at all!” “What do you mean?” Holy Wedlock demanded, looking down at the pink parchment. “They signed their names so the contract is sealed.” “And what names did they use?” Lee Bookman challenged. “Here on the license forms and in the ceremony? Nats and Lovebunny! Those aren’t the proper names of the people you tried to marry.” “They’re not?” Holy Wedlock gasped. “But… those fibbers!” “So Nats and Uhuna aren’t really hitched?” Visionary checked. “Of course not,” the Librarian announced. “The whole thing is void.” “Excellent,” declared Visionary as he shattered the floral arrangement over the back of Holy Wedlock’s head. “Now let’s run before Enormous Irma gets here.” “I still remember everything,” confessed Uhuna. “I remember the wedding chapel and my bridal night and Maxi getting mad…” “Of course,” the Hooded Hood replied. “You never asked me to change any of that. But I can assure you that you never legally married, as you requested. The ceremony was void. Congratulations.” “Ooh,” admired Lisa, “Sneaky!” “What!” shouted Nats. “Why you…” The Portal of Pretentiousness glinted and the non-wedding party found themselves returned to the lawn outside the Lair Mansion. Except for Sorceress. She remained where she was in Herringcarp Asylum. “Miss Darkness,” said the Hooded Hood, “Whitney. I believe you wished to speak with me?” “In view of my sister running off with Nats again,” announced Queen Sylverkrin, “it is the decision of the Genetics Council that she be exiled from Atticland, cut off from the Abhuman race and expunged from the genetic pool. Henceforth she is banished, one of us nevermore!” She ended her dramatic proclamation and blinked back a tear. “You’ll look after her, won’t you?” she asked Sir Mumphrey Wilton. Epilogue One: Cressida and Knifey The Lairjet sped over Europe flaunting EC aviation regulations at the insistence of Sir Mumphrey Wilton. The Legionnaires relaxed and sprawled out – oozed out in the Shoggoth’s case – and recovered from their adventures. dull thud dozed happily, drooling on Dancer’s shoulder. The telepathic tapeworm inside him was more concerned with the bowie knife jammed into the Elvis pants on the part-time superhero opposite. ~~Knifey?~~ she telepathed, but privately rather than he usual broad transmission. “Cressie, how are you doing?” the sentient blade though back. ~~I’m needing a few answers, Knifey,~~ Cressida told him. ~~And no evasions.~~ “Evasions?” Knifey answered. “So how about those Mariners?” ~~I have some confused memories,~~ Cressie persisted. ~~About you and me. Dating.~~ “Really? That’s pretty weird. I mean, you’re a big tapeworm and I’m a talking knife. I don’t see it going anywhere.” ~~And I only met you when Davie moved to Paradopolis when I was two. But I think we dated before that. Before I was born.~~ “Maybe I like ‘em young?” ~~Look, Knifey, I know you don’t like talking about your past, as if something scares you, but I need to know. I need to know if you met me before I was born in thud. I need to know where I come from, who I am.~~ “No,” Knifey told her. “You really don’t.” ~~So you know?~~ the worm wonder demanded. ~~If you know, tell me!~~ “I don’t know,” Knifey told her. “Not really. But yes, I did meet a powerful transmuting telepath one time, and yes we had a bit of a fling on the psychic plane. And she called herself Cressida.” ~~Really? When? Who was she?~~ “Don’t remember,” Knifey lied. “It was a long time ago, and she died.” ~~Knifey!~~ “Honestly, Cressida, you don’t want to know. You might not be her, or you might not be her yet, or whatever, but you will have to trust me when I tell you that you are better off not knowing.” ~~But Knifey…~ “End of subject. All she wrote. Next topic.” The worm wonder thought about this for a while. Finally she asked in a plaintive small thought, ~~Did you love me?~~ “Hell, yes,” growled Knifey. “But you died.” Epilogue Two: Al B. Harper and Miss Framlicker “Aaagh!” cried Al B. Harper as Flapjack let Miss Framlicker into the Lair Legion laboratory. “Er, I mean, hello.” The team’s resident science consultant looked cautiously at his former fiancée. “Are you here to be mad at me for something?” “What have you got?” Miss F asked him, idly running her fingers over the instrument roll laid out on the work surface. She fiddled casually with a protonic separator. “Do you actually need a reason?” Al wondered. “Not really,” admitted the blonde dimensional physicist. “But that’s not why I called in, Al. I need you.” The scientist fell off his lab stool. “Er, what?” he asked, scrambling to his feet. “Muffy…!” “We don’t use the M word,” Miss Framlicker snapped crossly, still waving the lethal tool, “You’ll have to remember that, Al, if we’re going into business together.” “Sorry, I just… we what?” “Business,” Miss Framlicker repeated, blushing slightly. “I quit my job at the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation. They were downsizing and I didn’t agree with it, so…” “So now you’re freelance,” Al B. surmised. “I could probably get you on the payroll here if you…” “I don’t want to work for the Lair Legion,” Miss F objected. “I don’t want to work for anybody. I want my own company, Al. ITC has shut down a lot of its transport routes, the more difficult and specialist ones. So there’s a market niche.” “Delivering stuff to all the places that are too dangerous and unprofitable for ITC to bother with,” Al B. Harper suggested. “Well, yes,” agreed Miss Framlicker. “But they’re the places that are the most interesting too, the ones that present the most technical challenges. Those are the ones at the frontiers of science.” Al B’s bubble pipe angled up. “Frontiers? New discoveries?” “Stuff ITC would never dare, Al. I’ve leased that ruined fire station the Abandoned Legion used to use. I bought a worn-out old dimensional interface generator that ITC were about to scrap. I’ve sunk every penny I own into this. But… I need you.” “To get the interface working.” “Yes,” admitted Miss F. “And… as a partner. Nobody else understands the subject except you. There’s nobody else I can do this with.” “We set up an interdimensional haulage company to compete with ITC?” “To do it better,” Miss Framlicker determined. “Sure, we start small, a kitchen top operation, low overheads, high risks, but…” she looked up and for a moment Al’s heart stopped as he saw the brilliant young woman he’d known back in college. “Damn, Al, it would be fun!” Al B. Harper considered it. It was an insanely dangerous proposition. “One condition,” he told her. “I’m in as a partner with one big proviso.” Miss Framlicker braced herself and looked at him warily. “What?” “We’re going to need a delivery guy,” Al told her. “An experienced interdimensional delivery guy.” “No,” Miss Framlicker said firmly as Al B. Harper grinned at her. “Al, no. Not him. No! No. No. No. Oh no!.” Epilogue Three: Dream and Pelopia [Most dialogue in this section provided by Kirk (CSFB!) Boxleitner, so beware some strong language] There was security on CrazySugarFreakBoy!’s hospital room. Priestess Pelopia, Disciple of Logos, was able to take it out in under half a minute. Dream looked up at her as she entered, and his face lit up. “Pelopia! You came back! I knew you would, when you got a chance to think about it!” He sat himself up in bed. Already the lesions were healing up, the bruises mottled to a mild purple. “Boy, this is turning into a great day. I mean, sure, the world’s ending and stuff, but now you’re here ready to join the good guys and we can all be together fighting the good fight and saving the universe and trading quips and stuff. Yay!” The tall bald woman sighed as she realised that even beating the crap out of Dreamcatcher Foxglove hadn’t quenched his enthusiasm for ‘reforming’ her. “I showed myself to you at Cheyenne Mountain, and have come again now so that you will not labour under any misconceptions about where you and I stand with regards to one another,” she explained. “During our time together you demonstrated consideration for my welfare, and I believed that this level of attentiveness entitled you to an explanation, so that you would be reassured about the state of my current well-being.” CSFB! looked puzzled. “What? What are you saying? Look, I don't even get what this is all about. I mean, you're here now, and you're with me, so let's just go ahead and forget about everything else, because whatever all else it is that you're trying to tell me, it doesn't matter. None of it has to matter, not if we decide otherwise.” “Don't you understand?”, the Disciple of Logos hissed. “It matters because we cannot be ‘together’, not in any sense of the term! I came to you to tell you that I am once again where I should be, so that you would no longer attempt to ascertain my whereabouts out of some misguided concern for my safety. I came here to tell you goodbye, so that you would stop wasting your emotions on caring about me, or imagining that anything more could ever exist between us, because it can't!” Dream shook his head. “He's doing this, isn't he? It's okay. I get what's going on now. He's doing the whole Ming the Merciless mind-game routine on you, telling you that he'll hurt me if you disobey him, playing the puppet-master and manipulating you into doing whatever he wants…” “This was not my father's decision to make on my behalf, nor is it within your authority now to attempt to dissuade me of it! This is the decision that I have made for my own course in life, of my own will and determination! I am the Priestess Pelopia, the Disciple of Logos! I serve The Word of Order, and his Voice of Reason, because I have chosen to do so, because I believe that he is right and his cause is correct! This is who I am, and this is what I am meant to be! And whatever emotions I might have allowed myself to experience, during my moments of weakness with you, represent nothing less than a betrayal of all that I am and all that I stand for!” CSFB! jerked himself out of his bed. He was still wearing his orange and green neon costume because it enhanced his healing, and the colours glowed fiercely now as he became frustrated and confused. “You know... I think that has to be the single most retarded fucking thing I've ever heard in my entire goddamned life. I mean, what the hell? How can your feelings be a 'betrayal' of who you are? What you feel IS who you are!” Pelopia scowled. “This was a mistake. I see that now. I should not have come here. I should not have expected you to be able to understand what I believed that I needed to tell you.” She whirled round as CSFB! tried to approach her. “You and I do not speak the same language,” she accused him. “We do not even exist within the same reality. Tell me, what sort of future do you expect we could have had together, you and I, when we cannot even comprehend one another's core values and belief systems, let alone learn to come to any measure of consensus or agreement upon them?” “How the fuck should I be expected to know the answers to any of this bullshit?,” Dream shouted back. “ Jesus Christ, I can't even figure out what the hell is going on in my own goddamned life more than half the time. I can't wrap my head around worrying about all these whys and wherefores and what ifs that you keep throwing at me, because they'll never make any kind of sense to me and they'll never be any kind of important to me.” He caught his breath and forced himself to calm down. “All I can care about, and all I know how to act on, is what's in my heart. I love you. I love you for all the reasons that you're different from me, and I love you for all the ways that you and I are alike, even though I know you'll never admit to them. So, you want to talk about reality, about what's real and what's not? Well, THAT'S what's real to me.” And he stood, with his heart in his hands, and waited. Pelopia looked back at him, the tousled, beaten-up, unbeatable young man who had given her her baby, who had got closer to her than anyone in the world, who was her mortal foe. “I ... am sorry, Dreamcatcher Foxglove. However, all of that is completely irrelevant…” “So, what? That's it?” CSFB! asked in a small, serious voice quite unlike his usual enthusiastic tones. And now the colours of his silly suit were all subdued. “I mean, we shared something, we got to each other, but you decide you have, like, I don't know, buyer's remorse or something, so you come in here, you wave your magic wand, and *poof* it's gone? Just like that?” “Yes. 'Just like that.'“ “I LOVE you.” “And I believe you,” admitted Pelopia. “Unfortunately, that is precisely WHY we can never be together.” By the time additional security arrived, the Disciple of Logos was gone. Epilogue Four: Nats and Uhuna Uhunalura sat in her room and stared at the wall. The Lair Mansion was nice, but the walls didn’t glow with translucent wonder or shimmer in the moonlight. She was far from home. She had no home. She shuddered but told herself to face the future like an Abhuman princess; except she wasn’t an Abhuman princess anymore. She was an outcast, soiled and abandoned, a faulty genetic line excluded from the future. Despite her best efforts a tear rolled down her cheek. There was a knock at her window. That might have startled other guests who were unused to taps on upper floor glazing, but in Atticland there were many fliers. Uhuna was only startled because she didn’t expect anyone would be thinking of her right now. It was Nats. “Hey, Uhuna,” he said as she lifted the sash. “I know it’s late but… can I talk to you? I know you must hate me but please don’t send me away.” The Abhuman girl thought for a moment. “Come in then,” she agreed at last. The flying phenomenon manoeuvred through the window and alighted cautiously. “You’re not going to give me mad cow disease or anything?” he asked worriedly. “Maybe later,” Uhuna replied. “What do you want?” “Good question,” admitted Bill Reed. “I don’t really know.” He pushed back his shock of ginger hair and shook his head. “Things got so tangled so fast, and still I don’t know what the hell just happened to us.” “We polluted our circulatory systems with alcohol, stifling our higher brain functions, believed we had wed, and performed a long and varied programme of sexual activity before regaining our senses,” the redhead reminded him. “Then you regretted your actions and abandoned me to my vengeful fiancée to be punished and slowly destroyed,” “I guess I did,” Nats admitted. “And every step of the way everything I did seemed like the right thing to do at the time.” He sat down heavily on the bed and pressed his head into his hands. “I’m sorry, Uhuna. I really am.” “You said that the morning after our honeymoon,” the Abhuman noted sharply. “Agh!” winced Bill. “I am so screwing all this up! I didn’t mean… I don’t… Ack!” Uhuna sat down beside him and waited until he got his thoughts sorted out. “Right,” Nats told her. “This is God’s honest truth, and I may be the world’s biggest fool for telling you, but here it is. I like you. I mean, really like you. Maybe love you, or I think I could do. And if we were still married I’d be fine with that, really I would, because I think you’re a great girl, a real class act. You stood up to Maximess, you spoke out against all that idiocy, and basically you’re the whole package of brains, heart, and looks. Any guy would be proud to call you his. I was proud to – for a while.” “Go on.” “I liked you from when I first met you. Well, maybe not the diseases bit, but the rest…” “I said I would not be your bed-toy,” Uhuna recalled. “I was wrong.” “It wasn’t like that,” Nats assured her. “I don’t remember much about that night we had, but I do know that I tried to marry you. That wasn’t playing. And maybe if the Hooded Hood hadn’t started his funny game then we’d have spent more time as friends, and maybe we’d have ended up together the right way. Or maybe you’d have gone back to the Great Relief to be Mrs Maximess the Slightly Mad. I dunno. But never think what we did was cheap, or trivial, or that it meant nothing.” Uhuna swallowed. Nats saw her blink back a tear. “It meant everything to me,” she whispered. “I was frightened about the future and I suppose I seized the first lifeline I thought I saw. But you were so nice, so kind and funny – but hurt, and making people stop hurting is a huge part of me. And you stood up to Maxi for me, and you weren’t afraid. And I thought… well, like you said, for a while…” “Don’t cry, Uhuna. Please. I don’t want to make you cry.” “I’m sorry, Nats. I blamed you but I was as much at fault. Weak. Stupid.” “Loving. Caring. Wonderful. C’mon Uhuna, have you seen you?” “I don’t feel wonderful,” the girl admitted. “Lost, yes. Lonely, sure. Scared about the future, more than I can tell, but not…” Nats pressed a finger to her lips. “You are wonderful,” he told her. “Way out of my league.” Uhuna looked at him suspiciously. “Did you come here for more sex?” she wondered. “Is that what you want?” “I don’t want to exploit you, Uhuna. I just want to make things right.” “Because you like me.” “Because I like you. And I’ve hurt you without meaning to, and I want to try and make right what I can of it.” Nats swallowed hard. “Do you want me to marry you? I mean, properly?” Uhuna snorted, half laugh, half sob. “I mean it,” Nats said. “Okay, I’m no big prize but…” “Bill, you don’t have to marry me. But it means something that you asked. And I haven’t forgotten amongst all that other stuff who it was came to rescue me either. That was the best thing… the most marvellous thing anyone has ever done for me. I was so scared and then you…” Uhunalura pushed back her hair from her face and knuckled away her tears. “So let’s have a new start, shall we? If you like me, be my friend. Then we’ll see how things develop from there. Maybe we’ll engage in social activities…” “A date?” Nats suggested. “We could date?” “If that’s what human girls do. I have to learn how to live in the human world now. Maybe you could help me? As a friend.” Bill broke into a big smile. “I’d love to. That’d be wonderful, Uhuna!” “Wonderful like me?” “Wonderful just like you!” The Abhuman girl found herself grinning back. That puppy smile of Nats’ was very infectious. “Shall we have more sex now, then?” she asked him. “Er, what?” “More sex. It was very nice last time, and since I’ve already become a disgraceful slut it won’t matter if I’m a disgraceful slut with you some more, will it?” Uhuna asked hopefully. “We can still be friends afterwards.” “Uhuna, I don’t think you understand…” Nats told the gorgeous Abhuman beauty. “It’s just that… It wouldn’t be… We’d be making… Aw, heck yeah. Lots of sex. C’mere here, wonderful!” Next Issue: Vizh discovers the downside of the single life as he has to face the music (and the dance floor) and rediscover the dating game. Join us this Wedensday in a shameless soppy pandering to Yo and Dancer with #160, Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: A Possibly Fake Romance. And Then: Our “Villainous Intentions” story arc begins and the Hooded Hood’s wicked tricks continue in (the already posted) #161, Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: The Return of Hatman, or Hopes, Dreams, and Wishes in which the capped crusader gets everything he ever wanted, and all he has to do is accept it. Tragedy and triumph in the peerless Parodyverse manner. Next Saturday: Discover the Sorceress’ fate in the clutches of the cowled crime czar and learn why Killer Shrike has been brought to Herringcarp Asylum; but mostly enjoy a rare visit to Garden City with special guest star Keiko getting an unpleasant splash of Parodyverse that’s going to be tough to wash off. It’s #162, Untold Tales of Garden City: There’s No Place Like Home. And the Week After: We follow up on the Hat’s return, on Al B’s new business, on Falcon’s missing sister, on the Librarian’s ongoing battle against the LL filing system, on Lisa and Lisette, on spiffy’s Mayoral campaign chances, and a whole lot more. Oh, and the Supreme Interference conquers the world. That’s #163, Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Together Again For the First Time For Al B. Harper's follow-up story to his new developments here, look at Why Al B. Harper is a Legionnaire. This Little Footnote Went to Market, This Little Footnote Stayed at Home: Lisa and the Hooded Hood: It’s not exactly a romance, but the Hooded Hood has spent a lot of time on Lisa. First he wrecked her long-term relationship with then-leader of the Lair Legion Jarvis by retconning him to be her long-lost brother. Then he retconned her six babies (by six super-powered fathers) away, although he appears to have allowed them to come back again as one son Christopher (who possesses all the powers of each of the former brood). Then he confronted Lisa with terrors from her past at the orphanage of the Little Sisters of Discipline. Then he invited her to come over to his side. Lisa did, but turned against him when the Legion’s lives were at stake. Later the Hood reordered the whole universe and made Lisa a cosmic being for a while until she chose to oppose him again. Since then they’ve had a few memorable dinners, but anything else remains – and will remain – unchronicled. Holy Wedlock is the villain who nearly married ManMan and Troia in Dancer #15 and who married Wang the Conqueror to Donar in Dancer/Donar Souvenir Wedding Edition #18. We’ve never had the opportunity to establish that he is a minor cosmic office holder like the Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity or the Guardian of the Booke of the Law. Sir Mumphrey and Maximess have previously sparred in Sir Mumphrey Wilton and the Lost City of Mystery, and particularly in Part the Twenty-Ninth: Prince Maximess and the Tower of Eugenics and Part the Thirtieth: Sir Mumphrey Wilton and the Return of the Abhumans, which also depicts the awakening of the citizens of Atticland. The Savage Park confrontation was recorded in The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Six: In which we explore the splendour of the Savage Park but unfortunately lose our sandwiches. Miss Framlicker resigned her position at the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation in UT#152: Untold Exposés of the Lair Legion: Nats Ate My Gerbil, the same issue where Nats was fired from ITC. And our Bonus Poll Question for this week: What should Al B. and Miss F call their new company? Special thanks to Kirk Boxleitner for supplying the dialogue for CSFB! and Pelopia in Appendix 3. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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