Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike with a story that piles on the Mumph love
Sun Aug 01, 2004 at 04:48:02 pm EDT

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Steamed
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“Steamed”


Sir Mumphrey Wilton, KBE GCB GCMG CGVO FRS, leaned back in the sauna and permitted himself a good sigh. His position as Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity may have helped retard his aging, but he was getting along in years and from time to time his body let him know it.

Another slight grunt escaped Mumph as he bent forward to ladle more water on the coals lumped in the room’s center. The droplets hissed into vapor as soon as they touched the white-hot briquettes. He reclined again, this time eschewing any “old man noises,” and picked up his copy of the London Times.

He had gotten to the Editorial page when there came a rap on the steam room’s door. The flushed face of Mr. Epitome appeared in the small window.

“Come in,” Sir Mumphrey said, knowing full well the man’s enhanced hearing would make out the words despite the two being separated by a thick oaken door.

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” Dominic apologized. He wore official Office of Paranormal Security tee shirt and gym shorts, his mask noticeably absent.

“Not at all, Dominic me lad. Making use of the mansion’s weight room, were you?

“Yes. Those four dimensional barbells brought are excellent. And a little disconcerting.”

Mumph chuckled, “Considerate of the Shoggoth to donate them to the cause, what?”

Epitome nodded. He doubted they got much use when owned by the Eldritch Horror: the Manga Shoggoth was not what one would call toned.

“But I’m sure you’re not in here to discuss the Lair Legion’s work out facilities. What’s on your mind?”

“I wanted to speak to you about your status. There are rumors you plan on leaving.”

Wilton hurumphed as only a Victorian-era Englishman could, “Hardly a rumor there, Mr. Epitome. We all knew this was a temporary set up going in. Once young Finny returns to active duty the team won’t have much need for me.”

“I know, and far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, but I feel you leaving would be a mistake,” Epitome did indeed look awkward and embarrassed discussing the topic.

“Do you now?” Sir Mumphrey cocked an eyebrow, “I gather you’ve been speaking to Visionary.”

“No,” the possibly fake man tended to give Epitome a wide berth, “Miss Waltz. She was unrelenting in her demands that I speak with you. I shudder to think how Lisa comported herself when she was actually in charge. Her reasoning, in this instance, is sound, however. The team benefits from your presence. You’re the ideal leader.”

“Fin Fang Foom leads the Lair Legion, and I’m not about to play usurper. Richard III may be a meaty role, but I’m a bit too old to start acting against type.”

Epitome shrugged, “I wasn’t thinking of Shakespeare, sir. More Lou Gehrig.”

The name registered slightly to Mumph, “He was an American sports star, wasn’t he?”

“Baseball. He played for the Yankees. Used to hold the record for most consecutive games played before Cal Ripkin. But he never would have gotten the chance to start if the man he replaced hadn’t taken a day off. Gehrig was a bench-warmer who became one of the legends of the game thanks to fate, and taking advantage of the situation before him.”

“Hm. Never could understand the colonials’ fascination with baseball. The sport always struck me as cricket’s weak sister,” he eyed the Paragon of Power critically; “You have an obvious bias against Master Finny. Makes it hard for a bloke to take your entreaties as is.”

“I know.”

“And you seem to forget, I can be just as dangerous to your little conspiracy as the dragon, if I choose,” Mumphrey sounded much more like a Cosmic Office Holder than a kindly grandfather when he said this.

Dominic’s pale blue eyes narrowed slightly, “I know. Still, the team benefits from your presence. You have the experience and skills to lead… and, ahm…”

Epitome looked as though he was actually blushing. He rubbed the back of his neck. Mumph waited.

“The Lair Legion is a powerful force for good in the world. I think the team is going to become even more essential. It has an important destiny, and responsibility. And I feel obliged to be a part of that. But, there is a concern that, once the dragon returns, my time on the team will be over.”

“So you’re upset about the possibility of being sacked,” Mumph summarized.

“I can’t think of any reason for Fin Fang Foom to keep me on. And what I’ve been allowed to read of the team charter, the leader has final say of who can and cannot be on the roster. So, yes,” he caught himself on what he was saying, and quickly amended his explanation, “Our leaving would greatly upset Glory. She has grown very fond of the team’s individual members.”

“Glory’s affection is reciprocated, I’m sure,” the leader of the Lair Legion smiled, “And I think you are too quick to presume any intentions of Finny. Mister Dean is a shrewd judge of talent himself. He might surprise you.”

“I like certainties, not surprises,” Dominic replied. He fidgeted, “Well, that is my opinion on the subject. Make of it what you will.”

“Always interested in listening to those with differing opinions, Dominic. That’s one of the reasons you’re here. And I’ll make sure Ms. Waltz is aware you fulfilled your obligation. That may help stop the hectoring.”

Mr. Epitome grimaced, “I doubt it,” he nodded a farewell, and left.

Sir Mumphrey Wilton chuckled and went back to his paper. The Legion were proving to be a persistent bunch, whatever their motives.








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