#172.5: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion's Loves Left Behind

Post By CrazySugarFreakBoy! Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 07:51:00 pm EDT	Subject #172.5: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion's Loves Left Behind Originally #172: Untold Tales of the Transworlds Challenge: Going For the Win	In Reply To The Hooded Hood Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 04:41:40 pm EDT

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April Alice Apple, creator of the Groovy Gecko-Gal character and comics: Okay, so let me just say this all out loud, so that I’m sure I’m understanding you right, right? In order to save the world from certain destruction, you have to go off and go compete in a real-life, outer-space version of those old Hanna-Barbera “Wacky Races” cartoons, all because a machete-wielding leather fetishist who worships a magical African rhinoceros told you so. I mean, I do have your story straight so far, yeah?

Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove, a.k.a. CrazySugarFreakBoy! of the Lair Legion: Well, yeah, when you say it that way, it almost sounds slightly implausible …

April: Look, if you just don’t want to go out with me anymore, you can just say so, and I promise not to hold it against you too much. It’s not like we’ve been, you know, hooked up, or even hanging out together, for all that long, and to be fair, you’ve never treated me anything less than decently. Hell, you probably deserve some bonus points for having both the brains and the balls to come up with an original excuse like that –

Dream: No! No no no no! Listen to me, and please, try to believe the words that are coming out of my mouth. I absolutely do not want to stop seeing you. I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want to let go of you, and I absolutely do not want to not have you in my life anymore. You are, without a doubt, the single best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time, and it blows my mind that somehow, you still don’t get that by now. I can’t even wrap my head around how you can look in the mirror and not see the same Aphrodite that I’ve been lucky enough to be with. You’re, like, Mary Jane Watson and Lois Lane, and Velma and Daphne from Scooby Doo, all rolled into one, with huge tits.

April: Heh. Okay, that’s the most adorably inept and genuinely intended string of compliments I’ve ever heard, and I would have slapped the hell out of anyone else for mentioning the size of my boobs. It’s like, I’ve spent my entire life being, you know, either the geek girl or the chubby chick, in just about any social circle I’ve been a member of, to the point where I’ve only really had one other boyfriend in my whole life, so, yeah, I have to admit, it’s a bit of a novelty to have a semi-cute boy, and a real-deal superhero, no less, start treating me like this masturbation fantasy sex goddess.

Dream: Well, it probably helps that I’m even more of a maladjusted misfit toy than you.

April: Ha! Granted, you are the only guy I’ve ever met who could keep up with me in the final round of the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con’s truly obscure Star Trek/Star Wars trivia contest, but I daresay my own nerd ninjitsu could more than give yours a run for its money, Mister “I forgot that Gene L. Coon wrote more episodes of the original series than Roddenberry.”

Dream: Oh, no. You tried to broadcast that noise before, and I’m still not buying off on it! Nobody counts script rewrites, because nobody can keep an accurate count of them!

April: As much as I’d enjoy the opportunity to debate this matter yet again, and maybe even get into another discussion about how much influence Lawrence Kasdan had on Lucas’ original trilogy, I suspect that you have more on your mind than us just talking genre.

Dream: Well, it’s like this … I mean, we’ve been, you know, pretty casual about things so far, and that’s been cool and all, but … do you want to be boyfriend-and-girlfriend?

April: You mean, as opposed to no-strings-attached fuck-buddies, like we are now? Hm. “CrazySugarFreakBoy’s! Girlfriend, April Alice Apple.” I must be out of my head –

Dream: So, that’s a yes?

April: No, that’s a maybe. For the time being, at least.

Dream: Oh. Okay, I guess.

April: However, if you promise me you won’t explore or seek out any Close Encounters of the Captain Kirk Kind, with whatever strange new lifeforms or green-skinned alien slave girls you might happen to chance upon during the course of your interplanetary travels, then I can certainly promise you that I won’t do to you anything like what Jade did to Kyle Rayner in Ron Marz’s latest arc of Green Lantern issues. You are every ounce as sweet as your costumed crimefighting namesake, Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove, but neither you nor I have had that many healthy romantic relationships recently, so it might not be a bad idea to maintain Impulse Speed in the pace of our emotional involvement for now, even though I realize that’s not exactly in-character behavior for either one of us.

Dream: Um, that doesn’t mean we have to stop having sex in Warp Drive, though, right?

April: What, are you kidding? Of course not! I doubt I could even afford to go back to buying that many replacement batteries for all my various vibrators on a regular basis.

Dream: I’ll buy you a pack of rechargeables for when I’m away. Deal?

April: Aw. What a wonderfully considerate almost-boyfriend I’ve got.

Dream: Hey, I’m just hoping you’ll let me watch you give them a test drive.

April: Perv. I’ll send some video clips to you, out on the final frontier.

Dream: I’ve never felt so fortunate to have an email-equipped Walkie-Talkie Watch.

April: You are such a hopeless dork. Speaking of which, I was raiding the campus sound stores for Ani DiFranco CDs the other day, when I coincidentally chanced upon this cult classic, and was immediately reminded of my favorite obsessive fan of ‘80s pop culture.

Dream: Holy shit! The Flash Gordon movie soundtrack by Queen!

April: Including dialogue from the film by Sam Jones, Max von Sydow, Timothy Dalton and the ever-bellowing Brian Blessed. It should make for great road trip music, especially where you and your buddies are going – wait, are you actually crying?

Dream: I love you, Aphrodite. I don’t even know how else to thank you.

April: Shh. You just make sure and save every one of us, okay, Flash?

Flash! Ah-ah! Savior of the universe!
Flash! Ah-ah! He'll save every one of us!
Flash! Ah-ah! He's a miracle!
Flash! Ah-ah! King of the impossible!
He's for every one of us,
Stand for every one of us,
He'll save with a mighty hand
Every man, every woman, every child
With a mighty FLASH!!!

Box in the Box: Radio Free KBOX Online

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Follow-Ups:

* nerds are cute ;) (no text) - Yo - Fri Sep 24, 2004 at 09:36:08 am EDT

* Very nice story, waiting to see what develops.... (no text) - Nitz the Bloody, from UCSB - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 10:04:40 pm EDT

* Love. Obessed weird qurky demented, but love. :) (no text) - ag - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 12:15:23 pm EDT

* You left out "insanely afraid to commit" ;-) - Visionary - Mon Sep 20, 2004 at 11:35:51 am EDT
- * Also, there's the threatening possibility of them actually breeding. Can Earth endure the coming of... the UberNerd? (no text) - HH - Fri Sep 24, 2004 at 12:13:50 pm EDT
- * There are some very good in-character reasons for that ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Tue Sep 21, 2004 at 07:00:39 am EDT
  - * A chilling but aposite social observation. (no text) [Spoilers] - HH - Fri Sep 24, 2004 at 01:05:34 pm EDT
* April and Dream's exchanges draw largely from a number of my own real-life relationships, actually. :) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:18:33 pm EDT
- * April doesn't sound at all like a twelve year old. (no text) - HH - Fri Sep 24, 2004 at 12:06:03 pm EDT
* Life-affirming, isn't it? (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:54:31 pm EDT

* An excellent scene that defines where this relationship is right now. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:45:36 am EDT

* She still needs to do a meet-and-greet with Meg and Sydney ... and have it out with Pelopia, too. (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:57:11 am EDT
- * Proceed. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:29:36 pm EDT

* I like how CSFB managed to hijack HH's thread. :) (no text) - Anime Jason - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 01:29:48 am EDT

* He's welcome to it as long as he attaches a good story like this each time. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:24:20 am EDT
- * You should look forward to seeing my next tie-in tale, then, about April giving her "toys" a workout while she's on the phone with Dream. ;) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:00:39 am EDT
  - * I'm not sure looking forward is exactly the term I'd have chosen. Brace for, perhaps. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:33:22 pm EDT
* I prefer to think of it as "synergy." I hope Ian doesn't mind, though. (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 04:55:49 am EDT
- * Nope. I'll doubtless add a link if and when I get round to it at the archiving stage. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:09:18 am EDT
  - * I'll probably be reposting a collected edition of these tales before too long, as well. (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:04:06 am EDT
    - * Everybody's doing the TPB collection these days. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 04:56:30 pm EDT

* Aww, nerds in love. (no text) - killer shrike is upset he never got to do his CSFB!/Epitome double date story - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 09:36:00 pm EDT

* Is it too late? (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:24:40 am EDT
- * Not until I introduce Marz Meltzer, the Women-In-Refrigerators Killer, to the Parodyverse. ;) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:46:26 am EDT
  - * You really should do that. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:35:04 pm EDT
- * I'd argue too soon. (no text) - killer shrike - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:49:09 am EDT
  - * "Quitters never win." :P (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:51:06 am EDT
    - * Patience is a virtue - Mr. Epitome - Mon Sep 20, 2004 at 08:10:06 am EDT
      - * A nicely evasive answer. (no text) - HH - Fri Sep 24, 2004 at 12:08:33 pm EDT
    - * Didn't Aunt May say that? (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:35:26 pm EDT
      - * That, and "Eat some wheatcakes, you scrawny little nerd!" - killer shrike - Mon Sep 20, 2004 at 08:11:45 am EDT
        
        * I think I must have missed that Liefield issue. (no text) - HH - Fri Sep 24, 2004 at 12:08:50 pm EDT
* I don't see why it couldn't still happen ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 09:57:43 pm EDT
- * I just want to hear the conversation when he tries to explain all of that to Epitome. (no text) [Spoilers] - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:27:00 am EDT
  - * "Maybe you'd be less of a douchebag if you were getting some on a regular basis again?" (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:16:45 am EDT
    - * I think I recall Isaac using a similar line on "The Love Boat" once, trying to convince Ralph Bellamy to reconcile with Yvonne DeCarlo (no text) - killer shrike - Mon Sep 20, 2004 at 08:16:33 am EDT
      - * That would have been so much cooler than the actual episodes. (no text) - HH - Fri Sep 24, 2004 at 12:28:03 pm EDT
    - * It's a start, but the resultant property damage also needs recounting. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:36:02 pm EDT
  - * I don't think his blood pressure could handle it (no text) - killer shrike - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:48:00 am EDT
    - * All the more reason why this scene must be written. :) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:18:25 am EDT
      - * Looking forward to it. (no text) - killer shrike - Mon Sep 20, 2004 at 08:17:59 am EDT
      - * Indeed. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 04:56:07 pm EDT
- * That definitely has possibilities.... [Spoilers] - killer shrike - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 10:15:10 pm EDT
  - * I considered that, but I'm not sure Dream and Jingo are that close. (no text) [Spoilers] - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:28:18 am EDT
    - * No, but Mr. Epitome and Jingo Belle are ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:24:51 am EDT
      - * I don't see Epitome playing matchmaker. Not without some ulterior motive. [Spoilers] - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:37:54 pm EDT
  - * It wouldn't be too close to what Ian is doing, I don't think ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 06:32:56 am EDT
    - * And it think the set-up required to get the four of them together would be rather more elaborate than CSFB! badgering Hat. (no text) [Spoilers] - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:01:07 am EDT
      - * And it would give CSFB! an opportunity to be even more persistent, along the lines of Bart and Lisa on The Simpsons ... - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:33:19 am EDT
        
        * One day Homer's just going to snap with a chainsaw. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:38:29 pm EDT
  - * Don't give him any more ideas!!! (no text) - Hatman - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 11:06:15 pm EDT
    - * Hey, I don't mind. (no text) - HH waits fpr Dancer to suggest another Romance Week. - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:30:17 am EDT
      - * Neither do I. More superhero sex is always good. :) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:27:05 am EDT
        
        * I'd need to see the stats to check that factoid. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:38:59 pm EDT
    - * She'd be a rather decent date for you, actually ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 06:37:59 am EDT
      - * I partially agree. [Spoilers] - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:07:27 am EDT
        
        * Regarding Jingo Belle ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 09:42:17 am EDT
        
        * That's a story that needs to be told, but the key's going to be getting the right ambiguity to it so it's not just a black and white moral tale. (no text) [Spoilers] - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:39:54 pm EDT

* Ah, the old "That excuse is too crazy to not be real" :) (no text) - Hatman - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 09:25:15 pm EDT

* And I'm running out of unattached characters to have the fling with the green skinned alien slave girl. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:31:50 am EDT
- * I don't know what you've heard, but Lisa and I are just friends. (no text) - Visionary doesn't mind green skin at all. - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 12:50:01 pm EDT
  - * Yes, but in Vizh's case it's particular green holoskin. Or is it just anything green? (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 05:02:27 pm EDT
- * *waves* Hello? I'm free an' willin'! Bring em on! (no text) - Trickshot - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 12:25:05 pm EDT
  - * Tricky does rescue a damsel in distress next issue. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 05:02:51 pm EDT
- * The Orion dancing girls can still throw themselves at Dream, but he'll just turn them down ... - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:47:45 am EDT
  - * Where's the fun in that? Ah well, CSFB!'s shirt doesn't rip anyway. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:41:15 pm EDT
* Even though April has dealt with her fair share of weirdness, she's still a bit insecure here ... (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 09:41:46 pm EDT
- * I'd be interested to know how her relationship with Dream affects her writing of Groove Gecko-Gal. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:32:51 am EDT
  - * April's writing on the Groovy Gecko-Gal draws far more heavily from her own real-life experiences, as we'll see soon enough. (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:43:54 am EDT
    - * Proceed. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:41:33 pm EDT
- * ... Especially since her last boyfriend gave her plenty of reasons to be gun-shy around guys. (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 09:42:54 pm EDT
  - * I think Dancer runs a Men-Are-Slime support group Thursdays. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:33:35 am EDT
    - * Considering that April's ex is very much modeled after Harry Osborn, I suspect she and Sarah could share some stories. (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:42:04 am EDT
      - * Harry is a complex figure much abused in modern Spider-mythology. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:42:01 pm EDT

* A very sweet and wonderful addition... in the CSFB sense, of course. And no wonder she didn't buy your story... Everyone knows it's a cudgel, not a machete. (no text) - Visionary remembers the Flash soundtrack well. - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 08:39:18 pm EDT

* True. And there's a big psychological difference between the two. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:34:39 am EDT

* Perhaps a feminist like April doesn't feel it's worth her time to keep all those phallic symbols straight? ;) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:51:38 am EDT

* If they're not straight they could offer a very different symbology, phallically speaking. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:42:56 pm EDT

* Given the bad that has followed both of these characters around for a while, they both deserve a little good in their lives. :) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sat Sep 18, 2004 at 08:55:52 pm EDT

* Let's just hope she's Dream's MJ not his Gwen. (no text) - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:35:22 am EDT

* Actually ... - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 08:32:30 am EDT

* And Marcy Kane? - HH - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 02:43:23 pm EDT

* Um ... Cobra? (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Sep 19, 2004 at 07:29:12 pm EDT