De Brown Streak has heard on the superhero grapevine that Visionary has nine nubile green-skinned alien slavegirls trapped in his lair, and has gallantly set out to rescue them from their vile bondage. See him now zooming along eager to liberate those poor, oppressed scantily clad women, with no thought of their enthusiastic boundless gratitude at all.
By the way, this story would be a whole lot funnier of you knew what was really going on and that this ties in with the stuff HH has been doing in his Untold Tales series, and that Vizh has been doing in his Vignettes. So go and read them first, okay? But please come back because I need the readership.
Josh streaks (but not in the Gamona sense) down to Dullard’s Corner, where Vizh’s famous semi-buried Condo is semi-buried, and hammers on the door, just like Abraham Lincoln would have done of Abe was a horny hot-headed mutate liberation fighter (you just know if Honest Abe was alive today that’s what he’d have been, right?).
DBS, hammering: “Let me in, you evil secret villain! I know what’s going on in there!”
There’s a scuffling inside as Hacker Nine hides in the bathroom. Lindy Wilson, Falcon’s 14 year old sister answers the door guiltily. “You do?”
DBS: “Whoa. You are younger than I expected.”
Lindy, defensively, and tucking in her shirt: “I am old enough to know what I am doing.”
DBS: “I’m here to take you away from that wicked, evil man.”
Lindy: “I’m flattered, but I don’t think so.” She admires De Brown Streak’s running shorts. “Although I’m willing to listen to the case.”
Kerry Shepherdson joins her at the door: “What’s going on? Who’s this bozo in the incredibly tight fitting and hot body-clinging lycra. Not that I’m noticing.”
DBS: “I have come to take you away from all this. You do not have to live with that evil man any more.”
Kerry visibly brightens. “Really? Can you wait while I pack a toothbrush?”
Lindy: “Hey, I thought you were taking me away from all this, not her.”
DBS: “I’m happy to take both of you, although really I’d be happier if you had older sisters I could rescue.”
Kerry: “You wouldn’t want to rescue my older sister. She would probably make you do all kinds of weird stuff in strange places.”
Now its DBS’ turn to perk up: “Really? Well I guess I could rescue her as well.”
Kerry: “You want to end up serving soup to tramps in some smelly homeless kitchen?”
Josh, who has no idea he’s talking about Sarah (Probability Dancer) Shepherdson and is really missing the content of the conversation for the second issue in a row: “Er, no. On the whole I’d rather rescue your hot older sister from oppression by a wicked man exploiting her for cheap sex.”
Kerry: “Good luck with that. It could become a lifetime career.”
Lindy: “Hey, can we get back to why a cute, er, I mean a dedicated guy feels he wants to rescue me, I mean us, and take us away? Not to mention how big headed he is to think he can handle two of us.”
DBS: “I could rescue all of you. I handled three Sexbots all together once, er, in the rescuing sense I mean, and for a few weeks after until they felt satisfied… er, satisfied they’d found a place in the Robo-American community, I mean. Mostly.”
Lindy: “And supposing I don’t want to be rescued and handled?”
DBS: “I think I’d just stick to the rescue in your case, honey. You really do look kind of young for me to be handling you. I’d kind of pictured you more… buxom.”
Lindy, offended: “Hey, I can bux. Just give me a few years.”
Kerry: “Okay, now I’m also offended and will have to set fire to you. I’m sure dweebo-o-fake wouldn’t want us talking to strangers at the door that dissed our chest measurements.”
DBS tries to keep this rescue on track: “Look, I just came to get you away from that evil man, that’s all. I couldn’t bear the thought of him oppressing you like that.”
Lindy: “Which evil man? Mine?” She thinks of Hacker Nine hiding in the bathroom in case it’s the Feds come to get him. “Not that he’s mine anyway, since we hardly know each other. I mean, sure, he’s breached a few ports he shouldn’t have in his time, slipped in some stuff that shouldn’t be there…”
DBS: “The swine! And you so young!”
Kerry: “Nah, he means Vizh, don’t you? The guy who forces me to do all that horrible stuff even if I have to keep going half the night before he’s satisfied.” Vizh has recently forced Kerry to clean and tidy her room.
DBS: “That swine! And you not much older. And what has he done to your much better developed older sister?”
Kerry: “Well, I think he likes to chew her pastries.”
DBS: “That swine! And everyone thinks he is such a big hero.”
Lindy: “Are you sure he is talking about Visionary?”
Josh is starting to feel that he might be missing something here. “Can we just rewind a minute. You, angry young teenager with the thermite fuses in her hand, are being oppressed by Visionary, but you, remarkably hip and street-confident even younger teenager, are being oppressed by someone else?”
Lindy: “I’m not really being that oppressed. My guy just sleeps here, is all.”
DBS: “The swine! How much you must have suffered.”
Kerry is still not happy about the latest Junior LL training sessions: “Her? She doesn’t have to go through her paces with the other guys time and time again, with fake-o watching and criticising all the time.”
Poor DBS is quite shocked: “He puts you through that? I am so going to pound his head. But first I shall get you somewhere where he can never harm you again. I can find safe refuge for all nine of you.”
Lindy: “Nine of us?”
DBS: “I heard there were nine alien slave girls here?”
Kerry: “Ah, right. Sorry, do we look green-skinned to you?”
Josh tries to think of a polite answer to this. “Not really, but I was trying not to judge. I mean, you might have green patches where I can’t see them. I was trying not to be personal.”
Lindy: “Green patches? You were hoping to check?”
Kerry: “Brownie here isn’t looking for us. He’s here for the Caphans.” She looks disappointed. “I guess we don’t have big enough chests to get liberated.”
DBS: “No, really, your chests are fine. Don’t be upset, and please put down the blowtorch. I’m an equal opportunities rescuer. I’ll save people whatever their bust size. And if you want to be wildly grateful I can pencil you in for when you’re legal age, honestly. I have a few appointments like that in the diary already.” A new thought strikes him. “But are you saying that in addition to nine alien green-skinned slave girls Vizh is also keeping you here?”
Kerry: “Oh yeah. My sister gave me to him.”
De Brown Streak realises that things are worse than they seem. “If the Lair Legion knew about this…”
Lindy: “Don’t tell them. It would cause an awful lot of trouble.” After all, the Legion don’t know Hacker Nine is still alive.
Kerry: “They know about me being here. And the alien slave girls. Mr Epitome drove them over in a van.”
DBS can believe this of Mr Epitome, but he’s shocked that the rest of the heroes are colluding on this vice ring. “This is worse than I thought. The rot goes all the way to the top. You hear those rumours about Nats and G-Eyed but you never think…”
Josh thinks about this for a moment. He’s going to have to take on the entire Legion, with all their connections and resources. It’ll be a bloody battle against the most powerful superbeings on the planet. “Right,” he grimaces. “I’ll have to do it. Listen girls, I’m sorry about this but I’m going to have to leave you here for a short while longer. This is far bigger than I thought, and now I’m going to have to deal with the whole Lair Legion!”
Lindy: “What are you…” (But DBS has zipped away to face Sir Mumphrey Wilton) “…talking about?”
Kerry: “He was kind of cute, but way too ditzy for me.”
Lindy: “Can I get Zack out of the bathroom yet?”
Kerry: “Nah. Let’s get a sandwich first. Hey, green-skinned slave girls, Vizh usually wants you to have brought me a submarine by now.”
Now at this point I was going to do a whole big cliffhanger and go to another chapter where Josh confronts the Lair Legion and stuff, but really this kind of misunderstanding joke can only run so far. So instead let’s listen outside Sir Mumphrey Wilton’s window for a moment as De Brown Streak confronts him with what he’s discovered….
*Long silence*
Mumph: “Of all the confounded blithering dunderheads I’ve ever known in two hundred years of blithering dunderheads you have to be the prizewinner, you intensely stupid oik! Why in all my days I swear I’ve never encountered such a prize ass, and let me tell you….”
Etc.
And an hour later, Josh slinks home.
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