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Post By Dancer via HH Thu Mar 03, 2005 at 08:31:12 am EST |
Subject
Untold Tales of the Tenth Caphan Dancer Tie-In: “Do You Know What a Plie-Arabesque-Pirhouette Combination Can Do To a Man’s Groinal Regions?” | |
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 [The Story So Far: Dancer’s little sister Kerry has been kidnapped by a Caphan warlord who is trying to retrieve the nine green-skinned slave girls that the Lair Legion rescued from the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad during the Transworlds Challenge. Dancer has just found out what’s happening and she is a little upset.] Dancer: So you’re saying this Caphan terrorist walked right into Parodiopolis University and just zapped Kerry and walked off with her? Visionary: Yes. I’m sorry. I was with the Dean discussing structural repairs to the science lab and to Dr Wzjlowski. I didn’t know what was happening. Dancer: I’m not saying it was your fault my little sister was carried off by an alien slaver from a culture that treats women like property and as bondage sex toys. I’m not holding you responsible. Really. Vizh: Great, Do you think maybe you could let go of my lapels and stop pushing me through the wall then? Dancer: Ah. Right. Sorry. Bit carried away there, Vizh. Vizh: Not that I don’t deserve it. I mean, I’m Kerry’s guardian. I didn’t guard her. Dancer: Hey! These scenes only work if there’s one person all upset and way off-balance and the other on tries to comfort her and talks common sense. We can’t both be the angry hurt out-of-control self-loathing one, you know! Vizh: Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’ll be angry, hurt, out-of-control and self-loathing in my own time if that’s okay. Dancer: I hear that this Vaahir guy is wanting single combat to get the Caphan girls back. I think it should be me that goes to take up the challenge. I have heavy combat boots. Vizh: From what I gather, he’s not going to fight a woman. It’s, y’know, not chivalrous. Dancer: Kidnapping my sixteen year old sister and zapping Hallie with a neural dagger is chivalrous, whipping slaves if they don’t obey him is fine, treating people like things is honourable, but getting the living crap kicked out of him by me is somehow wrong? Vizh: Well it sure sounds good the way you tell it, Shep. Dancer, breathing out heavily: Damn. And I so need to realign his anatomy with my combat boots. Do you know what at plie-arabesque-pirhouette combination can do to a man’s groinal regions? Vizh: Is that from watching at a distance or from participating at close range? Because I’m guessing there’d be markedly different effects. Dancer: Close up and personal. Ask Gary, the guy who tried to grab me in the back alley behind the Bean and Donut that time. Or as they call him now, Glenda. Vizh: Maybe later. But look Sarah, I’m going to do everything I can to get Kerry back – and to Glenda this Vaahir guy on your behalf if I get the chance. Dancer: You’ve got to go do the solo combat thing. On your own. Vizh: Which is once of the reasons its called solo combat. Dancer: But Vizh, he’s a major alien warlord, trained in his uber-sword and in ripping people’s heads off and spitting down their throats and stuff since he was knee-high to a spiky weapons instructor, and you’re Visionary. Not meaning to be horrible. Vizh, wincing: You managed to convey a picture pretty well all the same. But maybe I don’t need all my limbs? Life in a hospital ward can be very relaxing apparently. Dancer: Should we get down to the gym right now so I can teach you karate and stuff, so that you can surprise him when he underestimates your fighting prowess? Vizh: Shep, the duel’s tomorrow morning. It’s going to be hard for him to underestimate my fighting prowess. Dancer: But you’re still going to go and fight him, aren’t you? Vizh: Yeah. What else can I do? It’s Kerry. Dancer: That is pretty heroic, Visionary. Dirt dumb, but heroic. Vizh: I’m kind of hoping that by then Mumph or Lisa or Hatty will have come up with a clever plan to, you know, keep me alive more than half a minute. Dancer: But even if they haven’t, you’d still do this, wouldn’t you? Thank you. I’d give you a kiss right here and now but then Hallie would happen to stumble in, catch us snogging, get the wrong idea, and we’d have to do another massively-long mini-series. And right now we need to deal with the Caphan stuff. Vizh: What you said. Anyway, I’m sorry about Kerry. But we’ll get her back, whatever it takes. Somehow. Try not to get upset. Dancer: So you’re going to call my mother and tell her Kerry’s been kidnapped? Vizh: Er no. I’ll fight the alien warlord, but there are limits. Dancer: You’d better go oil and polish your Plag-Gar before the battle then, Vizh. I’ll go badger Mumphrey for a little while. Vizh: Er… Dancer: Your ceremonial combat sword. What did you think I meant? Vizh: I think I’m going to train for a while by lying down with a cold wet cloth on my forehead… [To be continued in Untold Tales of the Tenth Caphan…] |
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