From The Parodiopolis Daily Trombone, March 26, 2005
EDITORIAL
HANGING’S TOO GOOD FOR HIM; HOW ABOUT MUTILATION?
By J. Jonah Jerkson, Executive Editor and Publisher
Although this page generally refrains from commenting on other nations’ mistakes, we are compelled to consider the case of Vaahir of Viigo, the galactic freebooter from Caph. After wreaking havoc across galaxies and finally alighting on Earth to treat us to a capacity for provoking havoc that is only exceeded by the fatuous spiffy and the loathesome Goldeneyed, he has now been sentenced by a drumhead court in the quasi-imaginary land of Lemuria to one year of community service on the comparably bizarre planet of Plxtrazar, followed (assuming his good behavior) by release to roam the Galaxy for his concubine.
Readers of the Daily Trombone’s pages are aware of the depredations he provoked on this city and the rest of the planet. Earthquakes, rains of bloody mud, sprouting forests of tentacles and other monstrous apparitions assaulted greater Parodiopolis as soon as he arrived. While the more credulous news media are attributing them to a preposterous mucoid being, “Shabba-Dhabba-Dhu,” who supposedly sleeps festering far far beneath Off-Central Park, our sources clearly put the onus on Vaahir. After all, the man (or whatever he is) has admitted bringing a dozen transnuclear devices of power unimagined by this planet’s maddest scientists as blackmail weapons against us, ostensibly for the recovery of that concubine. Surely a more plausible cause would be the malfunction of one of Vaahir’s engines of destruction.
This newspaper has also discovered that Vaahir was unsatisfied with one concubine and kidnapped two more young Earth women for his lusts. The fact that one of them is a member of the risible Junior Lair Legion and the other a viridan-skinned employee of their adult “mentors” does not excuse the piratical green-skinned alien, although no sane jury should award the alleged victims a dime after considering the persons they associate with. Not to mention his leading a Caphan fleet to us, bluffing the entire destruction of our planet unless he was surrendered to them. And also not to mention allegations that this same peaceful young man detonated multiple transnuclear warheads on the deserving heads of the Lovetoads of Frammistat Eight. However pleasing that might be, it only confirms the need to incapacitate this menace to galactic society – permanently.
Ignoring the wise counsel of Herbert Garrick, the President’s adviser on superpowered affairs, the pusillanimous agencies of the United States Government are once again acquiesing to another Lair Legion diktat. Where is the justice? Where is the accountability? Where is the transparency? (Mythical mucoid monsters don’t count.) Unless the strongest possible measures are taken after a fair trial in a real court, we can be sure that more and more space adventurers spouting off romantic sagas will plague our city, country and world. The United States Government should seize Vaahir while it still has an agent in place in Lemuria, return him to Parodiopolis for trial, and then apply the strongest possible deterrent as punishment. Capital punishment will have to do, because of the scandalous Eighth Amendment prohibition on really effective sentences such as drawing and quartering, mutilation and the peine forte et dure. At least the Lair Legion will bear the initial brunt of the greater number of invasions caused by this shameful lack of rigor.
This is J. Jonah Jerkson, telling you the truth.
Endnote Peine forte et dure. Law French. A medieval English method of encouraging the use of jury trial by applying heavier and heavier weights upon the accused, bound prone on a table, until he agreed to jury trial in place of trial by combat or ordeal. Mr. Jerkson mistakes it for a sentence.
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