Posted by Since DK asked for it and caught me in a moment of weakness, and since the board is pretty thin on actual stories just now, the Hooded Hood is pleased to present this tale of draconic torment and tragedy: on March 12, 2001 at 17:33:28:
Untold Tales of the Lair Legion World Tour: We’re All Going on a Summer Holiday
“Finny? Are you alright?” Ziles, strange visitor from another planet, asked cautiously as she peered round the door of the Lair Legion Chairman’s study. “Only I hear a sound like a big draconic head banging repeatedly against a desk.”
“No, no, I’m fine,” lied the other strange visitor from another planet. “I was just… thinking.”
“In semaphore,” observed Ziles. She pushed her way into the paper-cluttered office and looked in vain for somewhere to perch. She eventually gave up and just sat on a pile of case notes.
“Just routine. Go back to your hot chocolate.”
The girl in the silver jumpsuit-jammies giggled as she cupped the frothing liquid. “This stuff’s illegal on my world, you know,” she admitted.
“Is that why you were exiled?” the dragon wondered. Even now Ziles had never explained that, claiming the crime she’d committed didn’t translate into any human tongue.
“No. It’s just that chocolate has such an aphrodisiac effect on my race,” the girl explained. “Er, Finny, I don’t think you’re going to entirely fit in that cupboard.”
“I can shapeshift, dammit,” the Makluan insisted.
Ziles took the opportunity to wander round and look at the files on Fin Fang Foom’s desk which had been causing him so much concern. “Still fretting about that business with the Safe, huh?”
Finny was much happier talking crimefighting. “Two dozen of the nastiest villains on the planet vanish from the most secure incarceration facility we have, along with the specialised equipment used for constraining them and all their records? Yes, you could say I’m concerned. Where have they been these last three months? Why didn’t anybody even notice they’d gone?”
“I’m sure they’ll turn up,” Ziles assured her leader. She flipped to the next folder. “Ah. The thing with the silly sweets.”
The alien thief would swear later that a flicker of flame came from Finny’s nose. “That was my fault,” the dragon moaned. “ How the hell could I think it was alright to send CrazySugarFreakBoy! and Nats to do the opening ceremonies at the Childrens’ Special Olympics?”
“Well Dream’s really sweet with children,” Ziles suggested. “And you had no way of knowing that Space Ghost would tag along.”
Foom sighed.
“Or that he would find a way of temporarily transferring CSFB!’s powers to all the children present who ate those sweets Dream gave out.”
Foom groaned.
“Or that HERPES would choose that moment to try and rob the box office, and three hundred children would go bouncing after them to fight crime.”
Foom sobbed.
“Or that they decided to clear up the mean streets of Seedytown before their powers wore off. You’ll damage that wall if you keep headbutting it like that.”
“Our PR is at an all time low,” Finny admitted. “Hell, the JBS and that bunch of reformed baddies in Seattle have higher approval ratings than the LL right now. The Belgian Waffle Five have higher approval ratings.”
“I don’t think that thing with G-Eyed and the fur protestors really did that much harm,” Ziles suggested tactfully. “Claudia Schiffer should have known better than to wear the skin of a dumb animal, and Bry just reacted too fast when they threw paint over her at the benefit. It was an accident that he teleported more than the paint off her.”
“On prime-time television,” the Makluan reminded Ziles.
“We gave her her clothes back afterwards,” the alien sniffed. “And her hair will grow back eventually.”
“And that thing with Trickshot and Donar?” Finny asked. “Where those reporters asked if they were having a sexual relationship.”
“Reconstructive surgery is getting quite advanced on this primitive planet,” Ziles offered. “And maybe some of them secretly wanted to be women.”
“The Legion has always had lawsuits,” the dragon worried, “but Lisa seemed much better able to… plea bargain than Lisette does. And Lisette always seems so preoccupied these days. When I tried to get her to shape up she just gave me this strange little smile and said who knows but she might be needing some leave time pretty soon.”
“I think her health’s suffering from all her hard work,” explained Ziles. “I know she was talking with Whitney about something to stop her waking up feeling sick every morning.”
The Makluan slumped down into his chair again. Ziles slithered out of it just in time. “I can plan a war against crime. I can cope with natural disasters. But when it comes to trying to make sense of a dozen or more bizarre people all pulling in different directions I just don’t know what to do.”
Ziles finished her hot chocolate, stretched, and leaned towards the dragon. “Well, if I may make a suggestion…?”
Finny almost jumped out of his chair as she shrieked in surprise. The Dark Knight glided out of the shadows and dropped another thick dossier on the dragon’s desk. “We have a problem,” the urban legend said with no preamble.
“You mean like needing clean underwear?” Ziles asked sourly.
The Knight pointed a black-gloved finger at the document he, Hatman, and Exile had just retrieved from their drugs warehouse raid. “Read.”
How to Avoid Getting Caught by the Lair Legion, by Dr Anchovy Mysterioso Okay, so you’ve bought the guide because superheroes bug you. You’d rather they didn’t. No problem. Really. No problem. Superheroes are stupid. Really, really stupid. And as long as you know how stupid they are, it’s pretty easy to avoid getting caught, or if you are caught, avoid convictions. Here are the basic rules: RULE 1: Don’t operate out of Paradopolis or Gothametropolis. 80% of the world’s superhero population operate there. Why bother? Rob a bank in Connecticut or Valetta or Karachi. The money’s as good, and by the time the heroes hear about it you’ll have blown the take on wine, women, and song anyway. RULE 2: Hope the hero injures you. Then cry wrongful arrest and sue. (Note: Don’t try this with Messenger). In fact given the recent fashion in super-team behaviour, claim they buggered you after they caught you. Everyone will believe it. Sure there are federal laws allowing superheroes to operate in the US and protecting their identity, but you can still clobber ’em with civil suits. A subpoena to show up in court and name their true identity usually gets them changing those shorts they wear on the outside of their costumes. RULE 3: Use the mind-control defence. You weren’t doing it yourself, you were under psionic influence, maybe even from the superhero themselves. For a list of psionic-influencing heroes see appendix 3. Pick one and blame ‘em. No court yet has authoritatively accepted any mind-probe evidence. If nothing else you can get a book deal out of it. RULE 4: Pull of multiple heists at once. While all the heroes are busy chasing the obvious break-in at the top-secret nuclear research facility you can do any number of corner stores. See section four for all the variations on distraction stunts you can pull. Beating up or crippling a loved one is always good, and a list of known loved one of prominent superheroes appears in Appendix 6. RULE 5: Give ‘em the old lives vs arrests dilemma. Arrange for half a dozen high explosives to go off in some nearby tenements and see which heroes choose to save screaming innocents rather than chase you. Or trigger off some poison that only you can cure and blackmail the heroes into letting you go in exchange for the antidote (see appendix 5 for a list of reputable underworld chemists). RULE 6: Do not leave your distinctive calling card with a clue about your next crime at the scene of your last attack. What are you, nuts? “Who the hell wrote this?” fumed Finny. The leader of the Lair Legion was confused. He watched the pile of luggage being assembled in the hallway but he was still confused. “I’m confused,” he said. “Master, it appears that the Lair Legion have discovered a copy of the Mysterioso manifesto and are planning to engage in an extended agenda of overseas crimefighting activities,” the Minion reported. “If they happen to encounter any of the activity we have undertaken in those foreign climes…” “I thought you had prepared the itinerary,” Fin Fang Foom complained to the Dark Knight. The Lair Legion (and friends) had assembled in the meeting room to go over the plans for what Cheryl was modestly calling the Lair Legion World Tour. It began with an innocent enough question. “How are you going to fit this many people into a Lairjet?” Amy Racecar had wondered. “I guess we’re not in Kansas any more Knifey,” ManMan noted. To perhaps be continued at some point. In the next (theoretical) chapter: The Lair Legion in Paris. Discover how the French nation, so often destroyed by events in the Parodyverse, still survives, and what it thinks of its superhero protectors! See ManMan try and order a Big Mac and Chocolate Milk! Meggan Foxxx vs the Folies Bergeres! Troia’s bottom gets pinched! Dancer’s big break! Oh, and more secret villain stuff for those who insist on a little plot as well. Don’t miss it, but don’t hold your breath.
“Dr Anchovy Mysterioso,” Ziles said helpfully, indicating the cover.
“I don’t know who the man is but he is going down,” the Dark Knight promised. “I checked the world crime computer. Supervillain activity is up globally by 12%, but down by 21% in Paradopolis. Criminals are reading and applying this stuff.”
“Get Hatman in here, Ziles,” Fin Fang Foom ordered. Suddenly he was confident, decisive, and in control, because now he was only facing world-class ciminal menaces. “We need a council of war.”
“I don’t suppose by any chance that the Lair Legion is going to get proactive?” Ziles sighed as she went to interrupt Hatty and Sorceress.
Space Ghost patted him sympathetically on the shoulder.
“What is confusing you, oh glorious leader?” Nats wondered, flying past to dump his surfboard on the pile of stuff waiting to be loaded for the journey.
“Well,” Finny admitted, “mainly how our planning strategy session on taking crimefighting to a global level ended up with us going on an eight week overseas vacation.”
“It isn’t a vacation,” Troia corrected him, hefting her canvas valise down onto the pile (it contained six clean tunics, a spare spear, and lots of suntan lotion), “it’s a world tour. First we fight crime in Ibiza, then St Tropez, then the Algarve…”
“Are those major crime spots?” Finny worried.
“Wait till you see the hotel prices in the Algarve,” Goldeneyed assured him. “And I’m pretty sure we’ll find that Mysteriosi fella you’re looking for if we check out enough bars.”
“Mysterioso,” the Makluan corrected him weakly. “but if it’s a crimefighting mission, why do we need waterskis?”
“This from the man who invented the psionically-controlled variable-height stiletto boot?” Exile scoffed (literally; he wasn’t sure what foreign cookies were like). “They’re in case, uh, in case HERPES attack from underwater.”
“We really are going to have to increase our wall repair budget if you keep on doing that with your head, Finny,” Sorceress advised the dragon. “We’re just taking the bare essentials for our mission, the things we and our guests will need to have with us on the holi… crimefighting expedition we’re about to embark upon.”
Finny stopped in mid-bang. “Guests? What guests?”
Exile and Goldeneyed exchanged guilty looks. “Well, we figured that we’d need some support staff with us,” G-Eyed began.
“Yeah. Support staff. To… support us.”
“We need our legal advisor,” G-Eyed explained.
“And a trained housekeeper like Valeria,” Exile added.
Finny sighed. Lisette was not an unreasonable addition to the group, and Valeria was always quiet and kind. “Well, I suppose that’s not too…”
“And, uh, Flapjack,” Ziles added. “No way am I leaving him here alone with my underwear drawer unguarded.”
“Flapjack,” Foom breathed. “I guess it’s better to have him where we can keep an eye on him…”
“And a talking knife,” Trickshot added casually, “and his owner.”
“You invited ManMan?”
Trickshot shrugged, “Hey the guy does have a super-powerful grip, y’know?”
“Besides,” Ziles added quickly, “we couldn’t invite Dancer and leave out Manny. It wouldn’t be fair!”
“Dancer? Who said anything about…?”
“Well, y’see, Yo suggested her…” Sorceress explained.
“Yo? Since when is Yo coming on this holi… mission?” Finny shouted.
“Yo art a boon comrade and shalt be muchly appreciated on our quest for the nonce!” Donar grinned as he carried another wide-screen TV onto the luggage pile.
“I see. Lisette, Valeria, ManMan, Dancer, and Yo,” scowled the supposed leader of the Lair Legion, “are joining us to go crimefighting across the tourist traps of Europe. Is that it? Anyone else? spiffy? Banjooooo? Messenger? The Hooded Hood?”
There was an abashed pause.
“spiffy’s a bit busy right now,” G-Eyed admitted, “but he said he might try to join us in Rio.”
There was a crunch of wall-plaster breaking.
“Perhaps we’d better tell him about CSFB!’s mom later on?” Exile whispered to Nats.
“Fear not,” the shadowy figure behind the desk replied. “What is the likelihood of the Lair Legion stumbling into our plans by sheer chance?”
Which just goes to show that even master criminals don’t always understand the ways of the universe.
“I only prepared the tactical objectives to strike at the unsuspecting vermin that gnaw at the roots of international peace,” DK answered. “Where we destroy the weed of crime is irrelevant.”
“And I’m just not experienced enough for this kind of job on my own,” Lisette complained, “so I called in some help from an expert, okay?”
“We needed the consultancy fees,” Cheryl explained, glaring across at her yellow trenchcoated husband. “Somebody decided to have a birthday party for Troia without asking permission, and now we have to get some new walls for the condo.”
“Enty loaned us those new transparent steel sheets,” Visionary defended himself.
“Which are just great to replace the bathroom wall, and tend to melt if it rains,” objected Cheryl. “So now we have to take the Lair Legion on this World Tour thing and try to keep them from starting any major armed conflicts between nations.”
“Look on the bright side, hon,” Sorceress encouraged the Duchess of Lake Superior. “We’re going to be crimefighting in the best resorts in the world, so we can smite evil and work on our tans at the same time.”
“That’s right,” Meggan Foxxx, the CrazySugarFreakMom! grinned. “And most of those European beaches don’t bother with dress codes.”
Finny shuddered.
“That reminds me of this QUESTION…” Dancer began; but Manny was asleep.
“Hey! Ol’ Brer Trickshot says, if we’re gonna bust baddies, let’s do it in five star luxury, right?”
“Ah,” Visionary interrupted quietly.
“Ah?” the Lair Legion repeated, worriedly.
“Cheryl,” Finny asked worriedly, “please tell me that you didn’t let Visionary book the hotels.”
“Or even ordereth the extra pillows,” added Donar. “I remembereth the incident with the Exploding Feather Bed, and yon spiffy Coat Rack doth still run screaming at the sight of a chicken.”
“Not the hotels, no,” Cheryl assured them. “I checked them myself. No, all Vizh had to do was confirm the actual venues on the tour…” She stopped as she realised what she was saying.
Somewhere a mechanical flea robot snickered.
“Just where exactly are the stops on this world tour?” Troia asked dangerously.
“Yo is helping Vizi to be picking them,” the pure thought being with the bunnies stuffed into his/her suitcase explained helpfully. “Yo is picking places with having the nicest place names.”
Dancer glanced at the possibly fake man’s notes. “I’ve never been to Chernobyl,” she noted brightly.
Finny, distracted by the alarming course of events his more proactive stance against world crime had taken was too distracted to shout stop in time when CrazySugarFreakBoy! has grabbed Hatman and raced out shouting, “Leave it to us!”
And now it was too late. Their luggage packed, their appearances scheduled at more than half a dozen locations across the planet, the Lair Legion was ready to roll. All it needed was a mode of transport.
The Lair Legion (and friends) looked at the mode of transport which CSFB! and Hatman were happily driving up to the front of the Lair Mansion.
“Ey!” Hatman called, his voice roughened and crudened by his Bus-Driver’s hat, “You getting aboard or whut?”
It was a bus. It was a big, red, London double-decker bus.
“Isn’t is brilliant?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! beamed. “Isn’t it just…?”
“He always did like that film when he was a really little boy,” Meggan remembered, “and my Dream never forgets anything.”
Finny looked up. “We’re all going on a… summer holiday?”
“How exactly is this going to get us across the Atlantic ocean, CSFB!?” Trickshot asked caustically. “It being, well, a bus in fact.”
“Please don’t worry,” Miss Framlicker of the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation assured them. “The experimental pan-dimensional interface is almost 100% stable, so it should get us almost anywhere.”
“Almost 100% stable,” Ziles repeated.
“Is that a Baustista Enterprises sticker on the side there?” worried Visionary.
“And you’re coming along to check it works?” Nats checked of his fair-haired boss.
“Of course. I need to observe any… highly-unlikely-to-happen side effects, “ she reassured him. “All we have to do is strap Goldeneyed in here.”
G-Eyed looked up. “What?”
“It’s not painful at all,” Miss framlicker assured him as she helped him into the power-chair in the middle of the lower deck. “Unless you’re the one strapped in, of course.”
“That’s the last of the luggage,” Flapjack puffed, dumping the suitcases on the worn cushioned seats. “I checked to make sure everyone remembered their underwear, but I got delayed by that barbed wire in Ms Foxxx’s underwear bag.”
“I wish I’d thought of that one,” Sorceress admitted.
“Actually, hon, that was my Saturday night special undergarments,” Meggan winked.
“Finny,” Ziles warned, “you’ll dint the side of the bus.”
“Everyone hang on,” Hatman called, “Dream’s pressing the magic bell!”
“Magic bell? We have a… ” Finny had time to register, before the universe became a blurry doppler effect and the Lair Legion World Tour began.
That should do it. 07:34:30 3/13/2001
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