Posted by ag on June 01, 2001 at 21:17:14:
Amazing Tales #31, Attack of the guys with gills, or, what's new Pantser-cat?
With a stream of brightly colored light, Humdinger makes her entrance. She
simply vertically slides through the outer hull of the hexagonal shaped ship in
orbit over the third planet from the star called Sol.
The Lurker (her master)
doesn’t even acknowledge her entrance as he continues to watch the many monitors
surrounding the large chamber.
“I’m here, Lurker!”
“Hm-mm”
“These
powers are amazing! Vast super speed, super human reflexes, interspecail and
dimensional warping, higher perceptions, cosmic blasts, self-replication, all of
it! Its so far advanced from the world I know!”
Not looking away from the
monitors, “Yes. It is. Dear Lydia, your powers will prove an excellent help in
the coming year.”
Lydia Tremor, other wise called Humdinger, notices the
monitors, “What are you watching? Aren't those the heroes you’ve been having me
study about?”
Still not looking away, “Yes. As you can clearly see, things
are beginning to get complicated, again.”
Monitors UTLL.74, .75, .76, .77 all
show various members of the Lair Legion, plus a few friends, most are leaving
Marrakesh after a major battle with the Moustache’s forces; Anvilman is being
added to a collection of very nasty villains, one of whom is Onslaugther;
Dynamite Boy, Chronic and De Brown Streak are forced into joining the Purveyors
of Peril, Donar, Yo and CrazySurgarFreakBoy! are invading Olympus; and finally,
Amazing Guy and the Dark Knight are trapped on the moon by the
Celestians.
“Shouldn’t we help them Lurker?”
“I prefer to watch for a bit.
The Hood is up to something and I want to learn what it is.”
She then sees
Monitors AT .29, .30, .31. These show other heroes in trouble. The Wakandybarian
king, Black Panser held fast by Slaw, the Master of Motown while the Fishieonah
Fighting Forces start to destroy the Mining Installation; The JBH and Fancy
Guppy closing in on a giant sea serpent; and the Amazed Adaptoid destroying the
JBH’s headquarters.
The Lurker swivels in his chair and looks at Humdinger,
“I want you to test your abilities…”
Soon Humdinger is entering Earth’s atmosphere. She splits into two. One heads for the Atlantic Ocean and the another to the shores of Parody Bay.
The suburbs of GothemMetropolis York:
The thugs didn’t stand a chance as Cap took both out with one move. After giving the purse back to the older woman, the hero strides down the street, confidant of a job well done. That’s when he hears the sound of people screaming.
As the giant sea serpent glides through the water, Fancy Guppy approaches
it and sends out thought commands that are reminisant of the Super Friends
Aquaman, “Friend serpent! Stop! This is wrong!”
With one quick motion, the
serpent swats FG fives miles away.
“Suit up! We’re going after that thing!
Plantgirl, Swift and Pigeonwoman, come with me! MacyMom, pilot this ship. Stay
close, we might need an emergency pick up!” Commands Pigeonman.
The four
leave through the air lock, swimming closer to the serpent.
The strange fish
man on the serpents back known as Dark Stingray responds to their approach, “You
surface dwellers cant stop my plans! Great friend of the deep! Attack!”
MacyMom, PhantomGhostGirl, Little Guy, Kid Produce and Jackie Rabbit watch in
horror as the 60ft. creature charges their friends. Imagine their surprise when
time stops, leaving the five heroes staring at the bright light suddenly
appearing within the ship.
The light forms and shapes, revealing the
beautiful figure of a woman.
“I am Humdinger. You are needed!” This is all
she says as they vanish.
-____________________________________________________________
When the underwater submergible appears, its off the coast of the nation
WakandyBar, unsubmerged.
The heroes are shocked, first because of the sudden
teleportation, then because of the sight before them.
“Hey! Where'd she go?”
MacyMom asks.
“Never mind that! Look out there!” PhantomGhostGirl shouts,
pointing to just off the shore, where thousands of the Fishieonah Fighting
Forces are charging up and out of the water, clashing with the Wakandybarian
Army on their home turf.
“Let’s go!” PGG orders. Despite the fact that she’s
not the leader the five heroes attack.
Jackie Rabbit jumps into the fray,
kicking and scratching at any fishman she can find. PhantomGhostGirl phases
through both Wakandybarian and Fishmen alike, sending out Spank Ray vibrations
everywhere. Kid Produce bowls over the attacking army with watermelons while
shooting hard peas at them with a pea pod acting like a pea shooter. MacyMom
concentrates and gallons of cottage cheese fill the shore, making everyone slip
and slide. Little Guy just hides behind a rock, sobbing.
As the JBH or half
of it at least, are trying to help the Wakandybarian Army repel the invaders,
they can’t help but see the Wakandybarian Phosphorus Mining Installation miles
off of the shore, also filled with destructive invaders.
“MacyMom! I’m going
over there! They need help! Do you have things here?” PGG shouts over the loud
crashing of phosphorus swords, staffs, bolas against Vibranium laser swords,
laser guns and nets, as well as all the shouting of armies as they
fight.
“We’ll manage! Get over there!” MM replies while filling a sea
warrior’s glass water contained mini fish bowl (that allows for him to attack on
the surface) full of spray cheese.
As the future girl of phantoms flies towards the mining installation, she
sees the reason for this unexpected attack, riding on a Phosphorus Hover
Transport for one. Goldfish is encouraging his warriors with vigor, “THESESESS
AARE THE ONESSS WHO TAKKETH OURR PHOSSSPHORUSSS SSUPPLY!! THHEEEYS RAPEINGG OURS
LANDD! KIIEEL THEEMS MY BROTHHTHERS!!”
“I don’t have much time! I've got to
get to that installation, but maybe..” PGG thinks. She then veers off, flying
through the Transport. She continues on her merry way as it shutters and
sputters, crashing into the water with an angry Goldfish diving for cover.
On the Wakandybarian Phosphorus Mining Installation it’s chaos. Fishmen are
attacking engineers and soldiers alike. Shouting, yelling, basically the same as
on the shore.
Vibranium Servo-nets wrap around attacking Fishmen, only to be
ripped by Phosphorus Hydro-swords.
All the while the king of WakandyBar,
TaChaco, the Black Panser, remains trapped within a large hand made of sound
created by his new arch enemy, Slaw, Master of Motown.
**Heard it through the
grape vine…**
“See King TaChaco, it’s quite simple! The Fishiemen think we’re
taking away their natural resource, the Underwater Phosphorus. They use the
stuff for everything! They have plenty to spare, too! But they’re under new
management. First my ally Black Stingray, then under the dreaded Goldfish. He
thinks that a war for a good cause will cement him as their new king, so he was
more than willing to slant the truth a bit to goad his people into invasion!
With a sudden invasion from the Fishiemen, the people of WakandyBar will rally
by their king. Only problem is that the king will be dead, thanks to me, and
there will be a vacuum of power to fill. Guess who will fill it?” Slaw smugly
explains.
“Who? spiffy?” Comes the reply. It startles Slaw, as this reply
does not come from the Pantser, but from behind the Motown Master. He turns
around to get a left hook in the jaw. He drops to the ground, stunned while
PhantomGhostGirl readies another punch.
The Black Pantser is freed as the
music cuts out. He fluidly jumps through the Fishiemen warriors, taking them out
with cat like reflexes honed by years of jungle action. Within minutes he will
be beside PGG. Slaw knows this. He does the first thing that comes to mind. He
cranks up the music!
**I-FELL-GOOD! LIKE I KNOW I SHOULD!!**
The shear
force of James Brown’s vocal cords causes a small explosion of color and force.
Fishiemen and humans alike are thrown off the mining platform. PhantomGhostGirl
and Black Pantser are knocked down flat.
_____________________________________________________-
“It was all a clever plan! Set up Slaw to get Goldfish away, then destroy
half the kingdom!” Black Stingray exclaims while sitting on top of the giant sea
serpent. Pigeonman and Pigeonwoman swish around the creature, hitting its tough
scales with various ancient weapons. The water makes it hard for them to move
around with their wings, so much so that they both were almost swallowed by the
monster’s giant mouth.
The other two JBH’ers are making better progress,
Swift has sped up a whirlpool for the creature while Plantgirl has mentally
controlled the sea weed to try to crush the beast. Still it’s all too little as
the creature starts to over power them.
Black Stingray, or BS for short,
continues, “While I use this Vibranium animal controlling device to make it
smash down half the city I’ll turn around and “save” the kingdom by chasing the
monster away! The citizens of Fishieonah will want me as the ruler
then!”
“BS! They have a ruler!” Fancy Guppy replies as he smashes the
Stingray off his mount.
As the Guppster beats BS silly, the villain looses
control of the creature. It starts to thrash about, knocking heroes right and
left.
With all the excitement no one notices just how close to Fishieonah
they are.
With a swift thrust, the Serpent reaches its powerful jaws at
Pigeonman, only to have a Phosphorus harpoon rip through the creature’s
skull.
“The Fishieonah Royal Home Guard!” FG exclaims.
“My Liege! The
naboring fish told us everything! We know how you saved us! You DO care for the
people!”
“What you have heard,” Fancy Guppy nobly exclaims for all the
curious citizens and Guard approaching, “were lies concocted to fool you! I know
we can vanquish Goldfish and make peace with the surface dwellers! You must
trust me!”
The crowd
cheers.
_________________________________________________________________________
Tokyo, Japan:
In the temple of his ancestors, the hero known as Somefire
bows down, his brow furrowed.
“My noble, great ones. I will not fail you. The
intruders to our homeland must be forced to leave. I swear, by all that’s holy,
that the Fashion Fairy and the Lair Legion will feel my wrath!”
With that
Japan’s local hero tears off in blazing glory for Sydney St. Sylvain’s dojo.
____________________________________________________________________________________--
GothemMetropolisYork, USA:
The Brownstone has lasted alien invasions,
underworld demons, base super villains and crazed fashion decorators but all of
that was when the many heroes whom called it their base were present. Now it
seems its long history has come to an end.
The bald, green and yellow trussed
being known as the Amazed Adaptoid finishes the destruction as he throws more
chunks of wall, floor, and furniture into the street. The citizens are
terrified, as a long time historical monument that is this building has come to
an end.
“Is there any reason you have decided to scare these people?” Cap
asks as he makes his grand entrance.
“I HUUUURT!!!! HE DIDN’T TELL ME I WOULD
HUUURT!!!” The Amazed Adaptoid replies in anguish as he throws a chunk of
masonry at the hero. Cap quickly dodges, flipping in midair, then throwing his
triangular shield at his foe.
It ricochets off the Amazed Adaptoid’s head,
then swishes back to its owner.
“AAAARRRGGHH!! YOU Hurt Me!”
“If you don’t
come quietly, I’ll do far worse then that. Who are you? Why are you destroying
the JBH’s HQ?”
“I don’t know! WhY IS IT SO hard to thiNK? SomEone wanteD ME
To destroy This plaCE, BUT NOW I don’t know whooooaaaAAARRRGGHH!!”
The Amazed
Adaptoid’s face starts to bubble, then his flesh. There's a sickening smell in
the air as he painfully changes. Minutes ago he just had limited super strength
but he feels it fade as his physiology starts to adapt. His mind shapes to, as
the pain causes him to regress more, “I am not happy!”
“My Gosh, man! What's
happening to you?”
Soon the flesh stops bubbling, the clothes stop shifting
and changing color and a piece of the arm, after breaking off, has molded into
something. Before Cap can say anything, the man in blue and red tights with the
triangular shield that stands before him charges.
Its only thanks to his
training that Cap successfully moves out of the way, flipping this imposter in
one move.
“What’s the big deal buddy? How can you look just like me?” Cap
asks before painfully getting grabbed and thrown into a wall with all to
familiar reflexes.
“Look like you? I look like me!! This is who I am! Me
feels better now!”
There’s lunging, dodging, punching and kicking as the two
face off. Both are exactly the same in all moves and abilities.
“Looks like
me, talks like Yo. Great! At least you could've got the speech patterns
right!”
“Speech patterns right! Yes! I know who I am! I’m you!”
“Not on a
good day pal!” Cap illustrates by faking out the Adaptoid, then tricking him to
crash into a wall. It just lies, stunned.
Its left arm is tucked under its
side so Cap doesn’t see it start to shift into a Thonggarian
battle-axe.
“Just what is going on Earthman? I have come to speak with the
hero known as Amazing Guy only to find two of you locked in combat!” Pigeonman
(the one from the planet Thonggar, not the JBH member) says as he lands behind
Cap.
“This imposter was just distroy..ARRGH!” Cap exclaims as the Amazed
Adaptoid hits his leg with the mace then stands up swinging it with ease.
It
then matches Pigeonman thrust for parry. What amazes the winged guy of pigeons
the most is the look of his opponent. It has the blue top of Cap with
Pigeonman’s wings coming out the back. The mask is Caps, except the large wings
on either side of the head, like Pigeonman. Green pants, also like Pigeonman but
with Caps boots, complete the look.
All this amalgamated creature can say is
“Yeeeaaarrrrggghh!!!” as it over comes the winged hero. Cap successfully gets a
couple of punches in before the Adaptoid knocks him down. It then flies off in a
primal rage.
When the heroes come to it’s gone.
________________________________________________________________-
The armies are continuing to fight. Both sides are an even match for each
other. The JBH are continuing to hold back the invaders as best they
can.
While on the mining platform the Black Pantser crawls with every muscle,
straining to approach Slaw through the waves of musical force. “Blast you! Stay
down!!” Slaw yells over the Temptations blaring through the air. He’s so
distracted by the Pantser’s refusal to succumb that he doesn’t see
PhantomGhostGirl until it’s too late.
She phases up from the deck, kicks him
in the groin, and continues to phase out of the way.
The sound cuts out
allowing the Pantser to double flip up, bounce over a wall, swing on a bar and
finally pounce upon Slaw, scratching his face deeply.
All three participants
in this fight are shocked by the large form erupting from the sea.
At the
same time, Goldfish, whom is holding MacyMom by the thought, drops her and
lunges into the air at the large newcomer, “Banjooooo! At last we meet!”
The
forty foot tall sea-monkey replies, “Goldfish! So that Humdinger lady was right!
Ok, let’s do it!”
All the armies, the JBH, the WakandyBarian citizens and the
Black Pantser watch as the original Parodyverse sea-hero takes on the gold
plated menace. Talons rip, giant fists pound. Sea-monarchs swear.
Slaw sneaks
away since even the Pantser is distracted.
Then, all heads (except the two
fighting sea-Monarchs) turn at yet another new arrival.
“Fishiemen! Hear my
plea! You have been duped!”
This telepathic call comes from Fancy Guppy, the
third sea-Monarch, whom has just arrived with the rest of the JBH.
“Dark
Stingray and Goldfish have mislead you! We WILL be a united nation again! War is
not the answer!”
While the fanciest of Guppies speaks to his nation,
Pigeonman, Pigeonwoman, Plantgirl and Swift join PhantomGhostGirl and the Black
Pantser on the mining installation.
PhantomGhostGirl: “About time you guys
showed up!”
Plantgirl: “We had problems with a snake.”
Swift: “Some snake!
It must've been fifty feet long!”
Plantgirl: “You can show me YOUR snake
anytime!”
“AHEM!” Says MacyMom as she; Jackie Rabbit, Kid Produce and Little
relieved its over Guy arrives on the platform.
“Yes, I really don't think his
majesty; the Black Pantser would like to hear that young lady.”
Everyone is
interrupted as the crowd of Fishiemen cheer. Guppy continues, “Return home and I
will join you shortly! I must first resolve the matter of the traitor, Goldfish.
Good journey !”
The Fishiemen army start to return into the sea while Fancy
Guppy heads for the giant Sea-Monkey whom has just pounded Goldfish into the
rafters of the mining installation.
As Banjooooo closes in, Fancy Guppy gets
in-between, “Banjooooo! I’ll take it from here.”
Banjooooo: “Gupsters! Looks
like the secret about your nation is out, huh?”
Fancy Guppy: “Guess so my
friend, guess so.”
Goldfish, his natural gold plated body armor cracked,
blood trickling from his mouth, looks up at the orange and green scaled imposing
figure of the true King of the Silly Seas, “Dooo youuse worrst Guuppy! Keeel me
nowwes!”
Guppy raps a Vibranium net around the ex-leader, “No Goldfish.
That's what separates us.”
With Goldfish in tow, the leader of Fishieonah
lands before the crouching leader of WakandyBar.
Fancy Guppy: “King TaChaco,
I presume! I give my deepest sympathies for the foolishness wrought by this
pretender to the thrown.” He bows.
The African king returns a bow, “Ah, I
truly sympathize. I too have had my share of usurpers. We must talk. I had no
knowledge of your lands peril.”
“There's is plenty of Phosphorus to share, or
trade, kind sir. We must meet. I shall return to my homeland to set things in
order, then we shall set these things right.”
The kings shake, bringing
cheers from all around.
__________________________________________________
It’s a tired, worn JBH that returns home. Plans for showers, food, TV time, and sleep come to mind. That’s until they find the large mess that was the Brownstone. Before anyone can utter a word, an even more tired Amazing Guy lands in front of them, “Man. I got to tell you, that was a close one! The Dark Knight and I were.... WHOA! WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HQ?”
Next time,
Some time off, the team get a new headquarters, and one of them
will fall......ill.
Someone happens to one of our cast that will change
him/her.....Forever!