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The Who's Who of the Parodyverse, version 7.0 Please be so kind as to check the entries for your characters and leave a note to say if they're okay Thursday, 20-Jul-2000 07:49:18
Obligatory introduction for those who are interested, explaining what the hell this stuff is and the rules of engagement. The point of the board is that it is a site for fan fiction parodies of comic books. Many of these stories take place in a shared continuity, the Parodyverse, where many of the posters have created superheroes of the same name as their internet handles and write of their adventures. Some people choose to tell largely serious stories, most are humorous. The Lair Legion The main heroes of the Parodyverse are a team called the Lair Legion, based on Parody Island just off Paradopolis (a New York spoof city). All the members of this team are posters. The current line-up consists of Lisa, Visionary, Fin Fang Foom, Hatman, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Donar, NTU-150, Yo, Goldeneyed, Exile, Troia, and Trickshot, as follows: Lisa (Lisa L. Waltz), a defence attorney; the First Lady of the Lair Legion has the power to subpoena anybody to her presence. She uses a lash in combat. There are a great many jokes made at the expense of Lisa's allegedly infinite sexual capacity, but Lisa is also the most caring of the team and the first to want to help somebody in trouble. Most of the team would do anything for her. She has an indestructible ginger cat of disreputable character and gave birth to baby Christopherin February 2000. Visionary is basically a normal, unpowered human who gets into terrible messes with superheroes. His most recent mess was being declared leader of the Lair Legion, which he resisted almost as strongly as the implication that he's a fake man, the android creation of Nazi scientist Dr Vishnar. He has a micro-robot companion called Fleabot. He is not too bright, but very fond of his (also real life) wife, Cheryl (q.v.), the Lair Legion's long-suffering PR agent. Visionary is a superb "point of view" everyman character, with a dogged determination and a quiet indefatigability. Fin Fang Foom (Andrew Dean) is a dragon, based upon a comics character of the same name. Originally shipwrecked on Earth from the planet Makluos, the original ancient wyrm merged with the consciousness of young Andrew Dean to become the draconic crusader active today. He can shapechange and do all the usual draconic stuff. He uses both a humanoid dragon form and the full wyrm shape, and in the latter he is immensely powerful. He is one of the most professional of the heroes, and one that regularly takes on cases independently of the Legion (often with Dark Knight). Foom takes a lot of stick for his shyness around women, although he has been seen often recently in the company of actress Lania. Hatman (Jay Boaz) gained the ability to take on the powers and abilities of any hat he wears after exposure to a radioactive drug containing the primal substance Serious Matter. Really. He mainly uses sports’ team caps to take on the abilities of Bulls, Steelers etc, using headpieces from his Hatility Belt. With the right hat he can be pretty powerful. He is the team nice guy, and this probably makes people underestimate his potential. Hatman is relatively young and naturally teams up with CSFB! (mimicking the Green Lantern/Flash relationship). He has an ongoing romance with the Sorceress (q.v.). More on Hatty CrazySugarFreakBoy! (Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove) is a hyperactive college student who invented a silly suit which enhances his own sugar-powered athletic abilities. He has an encyclopaedic knowledge of comics and movies and a massive enthusiasm for the super-hero lifestyle. In fact he seems to live the comic books he loves and this perspective somehow keeps him alive. His mother, Meggan Foxxx (Melanie Hastings a.k.a. "Action Figure") is a radio-chat-show-hosting porn queen stripper. Meggan is devoted to her son and often narrates CSFB!'s adventures. His father is Louis Laughing Fox, a Native American shaman police officer. The complicated history of the various CrazySugarFreakCharacters is explained in this CrazySugarFreakTimeline! in this CrazySugarFreak Whos Who 29-1-00, in this account of CSFB!’s reformed criminal team The Goofball Gauntlet, and in this list of CSFB”!’s Equipment. Then there’s some Notes on Meggan Foxxx, Donar (Donar Jones or Gavan Carstensen) is a Thor variant, the son of Oldman the Big Daddy and brother of Hoki, God or Goddess of Betrayal and Guile. With his enchanted baseball bat with a nail in it, Mjalcolm, Donar hails from the land of Ausgard, an antipodean version of Asgard. Donar speaks with a mangled Shakespearean speech, like Liefield’s Thor if Thor had a broad Australian accent. He is a little more down-to-earth than Marvel’s Thunder God, and he is well hard. He has very little patience and less tact, but he would defend his friends to the death. Donar’s mother is the Earth-Spirit Gail. Recently he has been reunited with his once love Freyda and discovered they have a son, Harlagaz. More on Donar and Even more on Donar NTU-150 (Jaime) wears high-tech full body (Iron Man style) battle armour to give him mobility after a crippling accident. He is the Lair Legion's technologist. He is polite, caring, and dangerous to be allowed near an arc-welder. There are a number of running jokes about his inventions going wrong or exploding. His girlfriend Tina occasionally appears and has telepathic powers. His lab assistant is the elf Zebulon, picked up from an early adventure. Yo(occupying the human Dr Pilar) is an energy thought being from Yo-planet, a genderless, playful, childlike being who loves bunnies and dressing up as Zorro. S/he mangles English into a very distinctive speak pattern and terms most things cute or uncute. S/he has a simplistic approach to problems which is often effective. Yo is as powerful as Yo believes s/he is, with the gift to manifest whatever abilities are appropriate to the person Yo decides to be (pilot, teacher etc.). However there are limits to this ability for an individual of Yo’s people; the entire of Yo-Planet united are powerful indeed. Yo is often associated with a cute purple thought bunny, Rabito. Goldeneyed (Bry Katz) has the ability to transport across time and space, and into other parallel universes. He’s a light-hearted hero who does the right thing because with great power comes… etc, but who hasn’t quite got it right yet and is misunderstood when he does. In his own adventures he is accompanied by his sidekick Frog-Man, who has constant need of his superpower of coming back from the dead. Frog-Man is currently far better known and more popular than G-Eyed himself. G-Eyed’s arch-foe is Dr Norm, a mad scientist. Goldeneyed is monitored by a mysterious group called The Observing Eye, whose role is to watch over the universe’s potentially most powerful beings. G-Eyed works at Lisa’s law firm, along with sexy co-worker Lisette (q.v.) More on G-Eyed Exile (Derek Foreman) is a mutant possessing energy-controlling abilities which also give him enhanced strength and speed, and the power of flight. After accidentally temporarily becoming Lord of the Dreary Dimension, a place of exile created by the gods, and has embarrassingly been gifted with a tribute slave in the form of the beautiful and brave Valeria of Carfax, who now acts as his housekeeper. Goldeneyed’s cousin, he is another alumni of the Observing Eye. Exile tends to be direct, almost in-your-face in his approach to problems, a good-hearted hothead. He and Goldeneyed share a third evil cousin, the sinister Bambi Bacall, the matter-manipulating Suicide Blonde More on Exile Troia 215 is an Amazon school dropout who has become secretary to the Lair Legion. She is the daughter of the archvillain the Hooded Hood (q.v.) and the former (now deceased) Amazon queen Rigantona, and the twin sister of spiffy (q.v.). So far nobody has dared ask her for a coffee. She tends to giggle. Her Amazon school rival, Polypheme 1, is now also exiled to Man's World. She also has an alternative-universe self, the evil, continuity-warping Kumari, who may still be alive somewhere in the multiverse. More on the Amazon administrator Trickshot (Carl Bastion) is an amazing archer who uses a variety of gimmicked shafts to fight crime. He is also the world’s biggest bigmouth. Formerly from another reality where he was a Legion member much earlier in their history, Tricky is actually a seasoned veteran crimefighter who is now re-establishing his reputation in his new world. One complication is that his this reality self was murdered, leaving behind a beautiful widow, masterspy Natalia Romanza. More on the irritating archer The Lair Mansion butler is the mis-shapen and disgusting hunchback Flapjack. "> Flapjack’s CV For the origins of the Lair Legion, read Lair Legion: Year One. To see how the current line-up was picked, look at Untold Tales of the Next Lair Legion: Jarvis’ Chair, Thugos’ Throne, Dark Knight’s Cloak, Sorceress’ Bed, Xander’s VCR or The Accoutrements of Doom! Other Heroes (who aren’t in teams) Dark Knight(crime reporter Greg Burch amongst other aliases) is a Batman/Crow type character taken one step further going around hiding in shadowed corners and scaring the crap out of villains after the murder of his one true love by the Crime Clown. DK is a mystery even to the other legionnaires, most of whom regard him with a little awe and some suspicion, especially since he now appears to be clinically dead. He is a good detective. He has a number of bits of indestructible equipment at his disposal, hidden in his Knightcave, including a Knightcar and a Knightjet. The Dark Knight is sometimes also the cosmic office-holder Chronicler of Stories (q.v.); this relationship has yet to be fully defined. spiffy(Mark Hopkins) has a symbiotic fern attached to him which gives him mysterious, um, fern powers. Often given little respect, spiffy has a tendency to get entangled in the most difficult part of any mess. spiffy is a minor, and like all heterosexual juvenile males is therefore interested in girls he has difficulty getting. He is basically a nice guy who comes last. spiffy was killed a while back but was rescued from hell at the cost of the life of Hollywood V, an ancient, mysterious and ambiguous character. He recently learned that his adoptive parents were murdered by the assassin the Bone, whom he now seeks, and that his true father is the Hooded Hood (q.v.), whom he does not seek. He cannot believe that he has a hot sister like Troia. A standing joke is that spiffy is responsible for everything. spiffy is also associated with the Abandoned Legion (q.v.). He is currently, and presumably temporarily, mayor of most of the United States of America (except Paradopolis) More on spiffy Space Ghost was tossed out of the Legion because of his drink problem. Usually played for light relief comic drunk these days, Space Ghost's main weapon is his Spank Ray, although he has minor Gaaahhh! abilities under the tutelage of Starseed. Space Ghost’s unique perspective, including his ability to be ten minutes behind a conversation or to make massive leaps of logic, and the ability to wander off into entirely parallel storylines, are actually important parts of his character. When sober SG is formidable. When drunk his is often pantsless. Space Ghost is also an occasional member of the Scourge of the BZL (q.v.). He has recently been mentioned as one of the Family of the Pointless (q.v.). He has spent many years living in the Lair Legion’s broom closet. Messenger is the last of an ancient line of fallen angelic envoys (with a postal motif). Equipped with letters which are razor-tipped, exploding, etc., the postman’s former wise-cracking acrobat façade has fallen away after the death of his lover Poisyn to reveal a shadowy and murderous borderline-insane vigilante who is now hunted by his former partners in the Lair Legion. If he is caught there is an outstanding death sentence upon him for murder. Messenger recently lost an eye in combat. He may or may not be a member of the Forgotten Legion (q.v.) Cheryl, the Duchess of Lake Superior (sometimes described as the Goddess of HTML for her abilities with the language of webpages), is the wife of Visionary. Although originally an engineer she has become the long-suffering Public Relations Officer for the Lair Legion. She remains the most sensible character in the Parodyverse. Falco(Joe Wilson) inherited and adapted a flying armour to include razor-sharp wingtips and missile-firing capacity. He operates out of the Hell’s Bathroom slums of Paradopolis, and has been drafted as an operative of SPUD, the Super-menace Principal Undercover Directorate (q.v.). However, he is actually an amalgam of several different super-types, including the heroic Falcon, the saintly Angelimon, and the villainous Captain Canuck; how this affects MSF has yet to be seen. More on Falco Xander the Improbable, Master of the Mystic Crafts, is the Parodyverse’s current sorcerer supreme by default. He operates out of a seedy shop in the Hell’s Bathroom ghetto of Paradopolis. He is like a younger, grumpier Obi Wan Kenobi. He tends to shuffle about in dusty red robes, and has a stone hamster familiar (Medusa accident) called Harry. Xander has an extensive network of occult contacts such as Mr Limpqvist of the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation. He also seems to know lots of things about what is going on. ManMan (Joe Pepper) was just a regular guy when he was covered in "experimental chemicals" (McDonalds secret sauce) and he was granted all the superpowers of a man! Along with sentient knife, Knifey, he fights crime in all its forms, no matter what the cost (although the white leather Elvis jumpsuit chafes in the most "intimate" of places). He is currently dating Troia 215 and trying to avoid her father’s lethal quests of worthiness. His most persistent enemy is the bizarre Thighmaster. More on ManMan Sir Mumphrey Wilton is a genial old English gentleman, the managing director of Wilton Enterprises, and the possessor of a pocketwatch which can manipulate time. Mumph has recently returned to heroics after a thirty year absence, and has hired Asil (see above) as his amanuensis. Mumphrey is courteous, stuffy, kindly, decent, and absolutely dependable. He looks to be in his late fifties; he is considerably older. Formally he is the Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity, a minor cosmic office. More on Mumph Amazing Guy (Tom Irving), a draughting student, has become Eggo, the Living Waffle’s Protector of the Universe, replacing the late, great Captain Marbles. He has gained (Quazar-like) energy-field creation and absorption powers from his quantum bands. Although he is currently based in space, he has recently been active on earth along with his self-replicating wife Multiple Woman (Janeen Irving) and their super-powered children, in Paradopolis. More on Amazing Guy Who’s Who Infinity Crisis The Manga Shoggoth is a Lovecraftian creature of protoplasm from the dawn of time. Lurking in his cyclopean many-angled fortress in the icebound Antarctic, the Manga Shoggoth guards his prized collection of Japanese animation. He is rumoured to have a wife, Sh’Ron, and an offspring, Cthandra . Nats (Bill Reed) is the new super-powered character on the block. The fiery haired, fiery-tempered flying supertype has a temporary job working as a delivery guy with Miss Framlicker of the Interdimensional Transportation Corporation, which takes him to all kinds of bizarre destinations across the Parodyverse. More on Nats Saint, (Kyle Runner) received enhanced physical abilities and the power to merge into smoke, fog, or steam after an accident with a VR program, 100,00= volts of electricity, and some holo-particles. These days he gets his orders via disconnected telephone from the mysterious Maverick, who works for a yet more mysterious government agency. Dancer, (Sarah Shepherdson) is a mild-mannered waitress by day at Mr Papadopopolis’ Bean and Donut Coffee Bar in Paradopolis Plaza (and lives in a flat above the café), but secretly fights crime as the the Probability Dancer, the dashing, confident, probability-altering herald of Galactivac the Living Death that Sucks (q.v.). The Green Ninja is a recent addition to the crimefighters of Paradopolis and Gothametropolis. Little is yet known about him. Paris Stavanger is an alien martial arts specialist whose purpose on Earth remains as yet unrevealed. More on Stavenger Lynx, a vigilante survivor of the mysterious “Project Apothecary” for an American NSA operation. More on Lynx Dynamite Boy, (Jeremy “Jimmy” Wick) has the ability to explode at will. More on Dynamite Boy Phantom, an as-yet-unexplained apparent avatar of death who has recently begun murdering criminals in Gothametropolis York. More on Phantom Ziles is a beautiful mood-altering alien exiled from her planet for untranslatable crimes. Her robot servant is Roboti. Wiblik is a shape-changing alien who has yet to appear in the Parodyverse proper. The Abandoned Legion The AL is another team which operates out of GothaMetropolisCity, across the river from Paradopolis. Its members are: Cap, the team’s reluctant leader, a triangular-shield wielding crimefighter, who is reserved and sensitive in private life and a combat machine in battle. Cap has a penchant for giving people peanuts. Paste Pot Pete (um, Peter?), glue-gun wielding adventurer, who may be somewhat unstable after a recent near-death injury. the Sorceress (Whitney), the compassionate "big sister" who holds the team together, a wise woman with gifts of transmutation and other magical abilities. She is the grand-daughter of the witch Hagatha Darkness, granddaughter and daughter of two other BZL characters, and is romantically linked with Hatman. Cobra (Christine McBurney), aggressive, combat-loving ninja martial artist whose instinct is to kill her opponents and whose main weapons are the banana gun and sink plunger; and latterly a new hero called Hunter Victorious(Stephen Bloom), a precocious, brash but talented teenager who may be a new incarnation of the now- Hollywood V (q.v.) and manifests as yet undefined tactile control over matter and energy. Banjooooo is king of the Sea Monkeys, those little creatures that are grown from crystal packets which are much advertised in comics and were genetically engineered by the Abhumans millennia ago to guard against the escape of the long-imprisoned Deviates. A former member of the Lair L egion, Banjoooo can grow to around Godzilla size, and also has a number of other abilities which his genetically-pliable form can evolve in line with his reason for being created. He is usually an easy-going fun-loving character, but can get touchy when his royalty isn’t acknowledged or when his ego is bruised. He’s a bit cocky and is likely to come up with one-liners at friends’ expenses. He and spiffy run a detective agency together. He is romantically involved with the human girl Elyse. As mentioned above, spiffy is also associated with this team. Semi-Retired and Inactive Characters DarkHwk (Zane) has an enchanted amulet which transfers him into a powerful, agile, flying android body with claws and forceblasts. He is a tryer, and he won't give in no matter what. He is sometimes a bit moody and gloomy, and is reluctant to allow even friends like NTU-150 and Yo to get close since the death of his brother. He is an occasional guest at the Lair Mansion and helps out in NTU-150's lab. However, at the moment he is missing..More on DarkHwk and More on DarkHwk’s History Starseed is the master of the force-like Gaaahhh! power, released by shouting "Gaaahhh!" He transforms into a purple-bubbled energy character in combat. He's somewhere between Luke Skywalker and Bruce Lee. He is a very powerful character with a relatively short fuse. He's one of the characters most likely to complain if people aren't being professional and he's very proud of League tradition. On the other hand he likes a joke and he's definitely "one of the boys". He is currently off-planet, adjusting to reaching an new level of Gah! mastery. He often associates with Space Ghost, another Gah! disciple. There is (or perhaps was, since we haven't heard of them for a while) an order of Gah! Acolytes. There are also followers of the Dark Side of the Gah!, led by the sinister, hissing Dirth Vortex. Avatar(Al Vaetar) is a biologically-armoured blue-skinned noseless ex-minion of the Parody Master (q.v) wielding an Avatar-Sword and possessing the gifts of flight and intangibility. Effectively a newly self-determining entity, Avatar spent some time with the Lair Legion and slowly learned humanity. He is currently the new Dread Lord of the Dreary Dimension, a distant other reality.More on Avatar Sersi is an Austernal (an Australian Eternal, a race of advanced super-powered beings, transplanted into the outback). She has the ability to manipulate matter and change one thing into another, as well as being ageless, super-strong, and almost indestructible. More importantly Sersi is a party girl with a keen fashion sense and an opera singer's ego. She is not a person to tick off. In some stories her clothes fall off a lot. Sersi has been absent from the Parodyverse in recent months. Lee Calloway is a hard-boiled former FBI forensics specialist turned private detective who has recently been swept into the world of superhero mysteries. Infrequent Aardvark is a physical manifestation and avatar of the principal of Loonacy which has incarnated in the Parodyverse to rectify a cosmic imbalance. What this means is yet to be revealed. Currently Dead Characters Jarvis, (Tim Butelier) a butler, former leader of the Lair Legion, and currently dead (although it might take a while for a few storylines to catch up with this); a dashing young man trained by aliens in their attempt to breed warrior-slaves on Earth, and imbued with telekinesis, teleportation and other powers. In character he was quick on the uptake, responsible, and heroic, but with a temper and a mean streak if he’s irritated. Jarvis the poster has recently married, and real Jarvis’ wife Melissa has been dragged into the writings as fictional Jarvis’ widow. Melissa gained probability-altering abilities from Galactivac (see below) and is currently apprenticed to the witch Hagatha Darkness. Hollywood V appeared as an old, staff-wielding magus. Acting as both hero and villain at different times he was instrumental in sending spiffy to Hell and later gave up his life to rescue the fern-wielder. HV may have been the Lord of Hell, forced to return to his demesne. A number of equally mysterious HV figures have appeared throughout history, such as Hastings Vernal in the late nineteenth century, and of course Hunter Victorious in the present. Rocket Racoon was a racoon with a rocket pack, emissary of the, um, the Racoon People. A swashbuckling racoon, and spent a lot of time trying to get close to Sersi. He was apparently killed and eaten in his last adventure, but keeps popping back for encore performances The Rogues Gallery Some posters prefer to be villains. The regular posters who take this role are: Baron Heinrich Zemo, a hideously-scarred and therefore masked archcriminal Nazi mastermind, plots to rule mankind from his well-known secret castle. His wife Heike is frozen in a slab of ice and many of his plots are based around her rejuvenation. He is served by a band of supervillians called the Scourge of the BZL(see below) remain at his beck and call. Many of these characters are also occasional posters or have been at some time. Zemo is also occasionally served by other minions such as his genetically-created sonMillenium Bug , the nightmare-haunting Dream Demon, the possessed Kelsey Grammar Hellfrasier and the Nazi scientist Dr Vishnar. The whereabouts of Zemo's wayward artificial daughter Contessa Imke Ilse Zemo (Zemette) are currently unknown. The Hooded Hood is a resident at Herringcarp Asylum, from which he plans his own domination of the multiverse. The Hood's power it to "retcon", a comics fan's usually derisive term for a comics writer who rewrites or writes off other older stories which don't suit his own artistic vision. Effectively the Hood can make small changes in past continuity to affect the present. The Hood is obsessed with forging the continuity of the Parodyverse into "a single pristine whole" which he controls. The cowled crime czar has occasionally used minions, the Purveyors of Peril, who include his former hunchbacked assistant Flapjack, VelcroVixen, Indigo Impostor,, and others. He is also attended by the mysterious Fearwalker. The Hooded Hood worked his way through a list of major powers he needed to irritate as part of some grand celestial plan for multiversal domination, died to further his goals, got better, and is currently off there plotting something complicated and cosmic. More on the Hooded Hood and the Purveyors of Peril The diabolical Dr Moo (Daio Waltz), a cow-masked bio-engineer villainess with the ability to control dairy products, is actually Lisa’s older sister. Dr Moo sometimes works out of Zemo's castle labs (and is an occasional member of the Scourge of the BZL) and has a pet female rat called Davidowicz who has manifested a number of human-like traits including the ability to take photographs and talk. Pierson’s Porter is an exiled alien from the sinister race of Puppeteers, abandoned on Earth after the death of his master (Pierson) and the collapse of the Puppeteers’ plans for the moon. PP, already outcast as an inferior in his own society, became intrigued by humans and armed with a series of high-tech alien gadgets is learning about life on Earth; his recent romance with the villainess Dr Moo has just ended and has recently been elected Mayor of Paradopolis. More on PP The Grim Reaper the Grim Reaper is an extradimensional entity chosen by the mysterious Void Spectre to intervene in various realities from infernal invasion by conquering those worlds. He is now active in the Parodyverse, based in his lunar fortress. He should not be confused with the substitute grim Reaper in the Scourge of the BZL (q.v.)More on Reaper Magnetic Techbird is a mutant terrorist (and, like virtually all the Parodyverse’s poster villains, a former Lair Legion candidate) with abilities to control magnetism, create solid-sound constructs via a mechanical vocal carapace, and manipulate technology. He wears a red and purple costume and has long blonde, red, and white hair. MT is really an anti-hero, a rebel without a cause, and is as likely to do good as ill. He is desperately unlucky with women. More on Magnetic Techbird The Scourge of Baron Zemo's Lair are a team of super-villains kept on retainer by Zemo. They include Pegasus, the Late Great Donald Blake, The Man Who Wasn't There, Venom, Wonderbooster, Substitute Grim Reaper, Jam, and Uatu. More on the Scourge Recently a newer, possibly temporary, version of the Scourge has also been active. More on the New Scourge HERPES (the Hero Elimination Revenge Project Extermination Squad), a bucket-headed band of high-tech criminals who dream of a secret world empire. Their motto is, "Hail HERPES! Apply Penicillin and another rash shall come forth within six weeks!" they are led by Count Wolfgang Fokker, , a monocle-wearing Teutonic villain. Akiko Masamuneis Head of the Parodyverse's organised crime cartel, and of the Yakuza mob specifically, Masamune is somewhere between an ally and an adversary of the Lair Legion. Like much of the population of Mangatown, she has large eyes and a small nose. Unlike most anyone, she has a tendency to dress entirely in pink, just because she's powerful enough to do so. The Apostate is a villain with the power to alter the beliefs of others, the Apostate is a dangerous adversary of the LL, and Visionary and Yo especially. The source of his hatred of Vizh, and his admiration of Cheryl, seems to be the belief that Visionary's life was meant for him. Where he got this idea has yet to be revealed. Dark Thugos, Tyrant of the Sol Empire, master of the Entropy Eyebeams, is the craggy-countanced alternate-reality son of the Hooded Hood and brother to the equally-sinister Kumari. After being forced from his original reality, Thugos conquered a sizeable portion of the prime Parodyverse, including the Skree Empire (q.v.). His agents include Suicide Blonde , the alien killer Onslaughter, Colonel Destiny and the Destiny Carnival (Dr Loveray, Enormous Irma, Mystic Morgana, the Mirror Murder, Endgame, Hotstuff, vasto the Wonder Frog etc.) and HuntingJustice DeathMarrow, along with a cast of thousands of undead, necro-priests, and stormtroopers. He is a worshipper of Death (q.v.) (who doesn’t fancy him). The incredible Yurt ( Vlastimock Bogoff), was once a humble glorious worker in the People’s Potato Collective, Commieslavia, before a radioactive accident gave him the proportional strength and intelligence of a small peasant hut. He’s basically a twenty foot high pile of indestructible rocks. The stupider he gets the stronger he gets. More on the Yurt Erskine Blofish, the bald headed, hamster loving master of the terrorist organisation B.A.L.D. was the one who hired the Confiscator to off Zemo's wife after the two had an unpleasant brush with one another. Blofish later got his head ripped off by Samhain (according to DK it survived) and was thrown into Zemo's castle, later to be rescued by Membraine. Blofish's head was later put on a robot body where it plans and plots today. The Devil Doctor is an undead Makluan dragon, the geneticist responsible for unlocking the shapeshifting abilities of his people. As such he has engineered in them the vulnerability to be possessed by his undead spirit. After the Makluans refused his rulership he called down Galactivac, the Living Death that Sucks (q.v.) to destroy their world. The Devil Doctor enjoys taking the identity of an inscrutable Oriental mandarin. A genius with chemicals, poisons, and mutations, the Devil Doctor commands a fanatical following of biologically enhanced ninjas, bizarre monsters, and other Fu Manchu trappings. He is responsible for the creation of villains such as Appendage Man and Rottweiler and the Terrier. The Lynchpin of Crime is the fat, bald crimeboss of Gothametropolis. Above the law he rules the criminal underworld with a pudgy grip of iron. Roni Y. Avis claims to be the innovator of electronic spam, Avis built an empire out of pyramid schemes and other junk mail. A surprisingly lucrative field, Avis quickly became a multi-billionaire largely due to his complete lack of morals. He tends to accidentally poke himself with the steel hook which replaces the hand Zemo once chopped off. While socially inept to the extreme (like most billionaire geeks), Avis has a sly mind for scams and illicit dealings. His buffoonish exterior hides the mind, heart and soul of a truly exploitative weasel. Dirth Vortex, master of the Dark Side of the Gaaahhhh!, a tattooed, asthma-breathing warlord, works his mystic plots and leads his acolytes in preparation for some unspecified upcoming event where he intends to be on the winning side. The Little Sisters of Discipline, led by Mother Whipcord, are a devastatingly kinky group of sado-nuns who kidnap children to train in their order. Lisa and Moo are two such alumni. The Skree Empire is a fallen intergalactic militaristic race, led by The Supreme Interference, a manipulative supercomputer amalgam of the brain patterns of long-dead Skree. Other Skree that have troubled our heroes include Commander Rox-Hoff of the Fifth Skree Armada, and Dronon, the Public Accoster. The Skree are ancestral enemies of the shape-shifting Skunks. VelcroVixen (Vicki Vee) is a svelte, supervillainous deputy-leader, known for her fetishwear and athletic abilities. For more details, see the Purveyors of Peril. Quake is a villain from the future who terrorised the descendants of the Lair Legion before finding his way to our time. Quake is a very tall, muscular man dressed in a black shirt, black pants, black gloves, and black boots and mask. He has glowing eyes. He’s super strong, can blast heat and energy beams from his eyes and hands, and can project sonic sound waves at his opponents. He also has a nasty temper and kicked Donar’s ass, so he deserves credit!! He also has a knife throwing, tuxedo wearing henchman called Jack Knife. The Obliterator is a giant alien organic/robot being who has battled the Legion many times. Though he often seems loud, foolish, and oafish, the Obliterator is actually very smart and has knowledge and access to advanced technology, making him a very formidable foe to the Lair Legion and the residents of the Parodyverse. There are indications that the Obliterator is an important, ancient and powerful being of cosmic significance, who was condemned to his current existence after betraying the Celestian Space Robots (q.v.). More on the Obliterator The League of Irregulars or the Anti-League was a force gathered from various realities and lead by the evil Anti-Jarvis, whose ambition was to conquer the multi-verse. Not truly opposites of their Parodyverse counterparts, but merely variations on them. An early challenge for the League of Regulars who became the Lair Legion. More on the League of Irregulars The League of Losers a.k.a the Frightsome Four are a quartet of mercenary supervillains. They are: English Man the sophisticated but often foolish leader of the group, dressed in a blue suit and bowler and has monocle. Obviously he's English, and carries a cane around that projects a spike from the bottom and an umbrella that projects poison gas. Marker Man wears in orange armour, carries explosive crayons around and likes to colour people with markers (don't ask...). Garbage Burner is a bald fat slob who wears a gray garbage man uniform and hat, and sets things on fire with a set of flame throwers resembling Pyro's (except he doesn't have a silly fire tank on his back). And Dr. Teeth is an insane dentist who uses dentist tools as weapons. He is a total psycho. Teeth dresses in a white lab coat and wears one of those straps with the reflective spheres attached to them on his head. The Confiscator is a professional assassin. Clad in dark padded battlesuit, strong and usually with concussion grenades strapped across his chest armour, the Confiscator also carries a laser pistol with him at all times and has other artillery to work with as well, depending on the importance of the job he takes on. His performance level depends on how much he gets paid. He is completely covered and hence no one knows what he looks like. His real name and past are also mysteries. Amongst his other achievements, he shot Baron Zemo’s wife Heike. Anvil Man is an rusty-armoured demolitions expert. Almost invulnerable and with Donar-class strength, he carries much armament and has the ability to make things detonate. Appendage Man(Milton Freebish) is a genetically-spawned monster with the ability to manifest any number of large and disgusting appendages. He has previously battled Foom, Lisa, and Cobra. For more details see the entry for the Purveyors of Peril. Rottweiler and the Terrier are the mutated results of an experiment on security guard “Frothing” Jimmy Dougall, and now form large and small psychopathic lycanthropes respectively. They particularly hate Messenger. For more details see the entry for the Purveyors of Peril. The Captor is a professional hunter who has killed hundreds of dangerous animals, including tigers, bears, snakes, and genetically altered mutants. Regarded as the best hunter in the Parodyverse because of his persistence and reputation of never failing to capture his foe in a hunt, sinister by nature, the Captor’s trademark weapon is a gun that launches grenades that explode upon hitting their target, unleashing nearly unbreakable black coils that wrap around the target and send electric shocks through it to render it unconscious. To match his name, the Captor dresses in old fashioned hunting attire, including a pith helmet covering his bald head, khaki pants and shirt, and black boots. He has a hunting scar on his cheek. Gromm, the Living Flatulence is one of the last surviving Deviates, one of the species created by the cosmic Celestians (see below). He is basically a terrible, powerful, smell, with caustic and toxic properties. Banjoooo and his Sea Monkey race were created to battle him and his comrades. For more details see the Purveyors of Peril entry. The Birthday Bandit is an improbable villain who tries to steal heroes’ powers by stealing their birthdays. Turbo Treesloth is a rocket-powered Treesloth. Honestly. More details in the Purveyors of Peril entry. Argh!Yle, Evillest of Socks claims to be a CrazySugarFreakBoy! villain. I shouldn’t be surprised. HuntingJustice DeathMarrow is a gun and blade-wielding barely-clad macho woman in the Liefield tradition, whose grudge against the Lair Legion in general and Trickshot in particular is derived from not being offered a place in their ranks. Proctology are a super-villain team consisting of Swingy, Master of the Swinging Arts, the Living Statement!, Pudu Lad, Star-Fish, and the undead Mr Ed. Ask spiffy. The Outcasts are a band of sinister sewer-dwelling cannibals led by the bizarre Sgt Snail. Other members include The Human Grenade, Oaf, Dung Beetle, the Unpossible Man, The Gunsman, Demon Fish, the Man with Two Chins, Devo, and Man-Hamster . More on the Outcasts Rape Ape is more or less what his name implies. Ask Kirk Boxleitner. More on the Rape Ape Currently Dead Villains Membraine was a green skinned, bald headed, red eyed mutant created by Zemo and some scientist. When Membraine was brought to life, he was very dull witted. Somehow his mind evolved and turned Membraine into a genius. Membraine escaped from Zemo's castle and decided to destroy the human race, and went to Europe to destroy Zemo and his army as he hated his creator for making him look so ugly. Creating an army that resembled himself with a cloning machine he took control of Zemo's empire. Just before he could kill Zemo, however, explosives in his castle went off and he was crushed by stone and Zemo's throne. More on Membraine Hämmerblade is an alternate universe variant of Donar, but with much more nicely coiffured hair. For more details see the Purveyors of Peril entry. Partycrasher is a renegade Austernal, with the special additional ability of grasping women with his prehensile chest hair. For more details see the Purveyors of Peril entry. Mefrothto, Prince of Fibs, one of the demon-lords of the Abyssal Depths. Amongst his other damned souls he tormented the Hooded Hood’s lost teddy bear, Pooty. The Sidekicks A set of distinctly dodgy sidekicks have occasionally appeared to plague the Lair Legion. Most of them are currently wandering around as the cutting-edge-cool New Battlers. They include Lisette (Laurie Layton, a Lisa sidekick), L’il Buttie (Jarvis), Wormlad and Wormbait (Fin Fang Foom), E-Male (Messenger), the ever-hungry Hat Kid (Hatman), Fashion Accessory (Sersi), Boy Wonder (Dark Knight) andThunderstroke (Donar). Also somewhere out there is Zemo’s cloned daughter, Contessa Imke Ilsa Zemo, or Zemette. And while we're on bizarre alternative Legions, Space Ghost insists that there is also a Parodyverse 2, where the Lair League, an octogenarian organisation begun in World War II is to the Lair Legion, as the Justice League is to the Justice Society. The Lair League consists of Jarvis-2,Lisa-2, Dr.Chronicler, the Shaper, Sea Monkey, Dragon Man, Space Ghost-2, and many others. More on Space Ghost’s Parallel Parodyverses The The Cosmic Characters The Chronicler of Stories is a celestial office bestowed upon one who monitors and records the events of the Parodyverse. The current Chronicler is the erstwhile Dark Knight, and somehow moonlights as him in a way as not yet revealed. The Shaper of Worlds was a poster called Carrington, but after his long absence the office was handed to a new, female incumbent once called Jury. The Shaper's role is to initiate new narrative strands in the many parallel timelines of the Parodyverse. The job also seems to involve a lot of talking ravens of destiny. Samhain, Destroyer of Stories, is the third cosmic office-holder, charged with bringing all things to an end. Samhain has fought the Lair Legion on several occasions. After his recent apparent destruction there may be a new holder of the office. The Parody Master is a sort of omnipotent villain who is probably the most powerful being around in the regular Parodyverse; his role within the cosmic order remains unexplained, but he has been summoned to uphold the edicts of the Triumverate and the Celestian Space Robots (q.v.). However, he also operates independently, and tend to cruelty and tyranny. Different entities assume the role of Parody Master at different times, which may explain his widely-varying levels of power and competence. Galactivac, the Living Death that Sucks, is a planet-hoovering, world-cleansing entity of immense power which moves across the galaxy sucking planets bare of all life. Galactivac’s former herald was the now deceased Crimson Cyclist. His new herald is allegedly the Probability Dancer. Blackhurt, Prince of Fibs, one of the demon-lords of the Abyssal Depths, son of Mefrothto. His hobbies include giving pain, destroying all that is good, and damning people to eternal perdition. Oh, and philately. Supporting Characters There are far too many incidental characters to list anything like all of them. Apart from the various supporting cast mentioned above, one or two of the other people who keep popping up are: HALLIE is an artificial intelligence originally created by Zemo. Following the incident with the Japanese, Hallie took over control of Virtual Zemo's mainframe and with it his Virtual world. Since then she has been relocated to LL headquarters where she acts as their occasional resident computer. She is closest to NTU, with who she shares a playfully adversarial relationship. Using Virtual Zemo's movie gun, she can pass objects and people back and forth between the Parodyverse and the Virtual world. Dan Drury, Agent of SPUD (Super-menace Principal Undercover Directorate) , a tough-talkin’ hard-cussin’ cigar-chompin’ ornery one-eyed sonofab*tch what don’t take no crap from no turkey-smoochin’ government desk jockeys and gets the job done. SPUD has a massive helicarrier headquarters and the mission of protecting the planet. Asil Ashling is a cloned version of Lisa created by Dr Moo and possesses the ability to become any age. Innocent and devoted to Visionary, Asil has latterly been serving as Mumphrey’s ammanuensis. Caveguy is a savage caveguy. He says "Hooga!" a lot. Recently he may have become Lord of the Savage Park. Elsqueevio is the Greek god of small waters. He sometimes hangs around with Banjooooo or spiffy. He is enraged by the colour purple and can fight his own weight in beavers. Con Johnstantine is a trenchcoat-swathed smooth talking and mysterious Englishman who appears to have occult connections and a knack of getting people into trouble. Herbert P. Garrick is the Presidential Advisor on Superheroes. He is rabidly opposed to superheroes, so that doesn’t help really. Garrick is the man who controls the robotic Sentinoids, hero-hunting automatons. Yi is a pure thought being from Yo-Planet. S/he is most often encountered in the Happy Place, being the sworn protector of that plane of existence. J. James Jerkson is the publisher of the Daily Trombone, the second best selling newspaper in Paradopolis (after the Paradopolis Times). He is a cigar-chomping, hero-hating, self-aggrandising loudmouth. And Finally… We also should have entries for the following people, but I haven’t any coherent notes on them: Canadian Nightmare, Gurl (who is banned from the board), Shifter, Lurker, and Crazy Penguin Lady . Having survived all that you might now want to attempt Jarvis' History of the Parodyverse or take a look at the (now in-need-of-updating) plans for the Lair Mansion. Or, if you're in a writing mood, there's always Hatman's list of common cognomens for BZL characters. Links and More: Heartily recommended are Troia’s BZL Links Page And Xander’s BZL Archives site at Xander’s BZL Archive (prototype). I haven't had time (or the skill) to hot-link yet to the original Character Summaries bit of the BZL archives, but they're also worth a look. Other interesting BZL-related sites include: Banjooooo and spiffy’s BZL Archive The Character Pictures Gallery DarkHwk’s Homepage CrazySugarFreakBoy! and his Amazing Super-Friends' Hall of Justice Pierson’s Porter’s Homepage Whitney’s Journal The Hooded Hood’s Homepage of Doom I’d be happy to include more sites as people tell me about them. For example I know Vizh, Cheryl, and Moo have pages out there. I just don’t know where. HH 20-7-2000 The Hooded Hood was going to do this later, but since Troia needed some information for her links page... |
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