The figure cut through a dark alleyway, trudging through the sludge and filth. He ignored the vile smells and the sounds of rats as they scurried away. spiffy was on a mission. He usually left this kind of thing to the Dark Knight. Neither of them had any super powers, but at least the Knight was an athlete with dozens of advanced weapons. spiffy had none of these. It was just him. Peering around him, he saw nothing but an empty street, trash everywhere, not a person to be seen. But that was to be expected. This was where evil spiffy had made his base of operations. Pausing, he looked back at the events that had led him here…

It was another relatively calm day at the LL headquarters. Most of the heroes were out dealing with their personal lives, but there were three exceptions. Space Ghost, Cheryl, and spiffy were engaged in conversation.

"I just can’t get over all the changes," spiffy said, with some anxiety, "Practically nothing’s the same. I hadn’t met you, Cheryl. Heck, I didn’t know Visionary was married. I don’t know how I’m going to cope."

"Just try to take every day as it comes," Space Ghost advised, "I mean, when I joined the LoR, things were changing too fast to keep up. I eventually just stopped trying. I see things as… well… temporary."

"But you can’t just live like that. You have to avoid past mistakes, and prepare for the future. Though, I suppose that common sense has to be ignored in the Parodyverse…" "You’re telling me… keeping Visionary sane is a full time job. Hey, me and Space Ghost can probably help you understand any of the changes. Anything in particular that you don’t get?" "Everything. But… this whole evil spiffy… Dark, Mysterious Figure thing. I don’t really get that."

"Geez… that one’s complicated," Space Ghost grimaced, "Well… all right, after that first battle with the LoLO, you started acting funny. Then you killed these dogs…."

"I WHAT? The poor dogs… Okay, please stop saying that ‘I’ did it. It was this evil spiffy guy."

"Okay, sorry. So he killed these dogs and then trounced the LoR, officially joining the LoLO."

"How did he do that? If he’s a double of me, he hasn’t got any powers."

"Well, we’re not entirely sure… but we think he stole the JarvisCosmic. And since then, he’s abandoned the LoLO, and stolen something from the DarkCave. We don’t really know what, though. The Knight knew something was missing, but he never figured out what it was. And then… he started acting weird again. He took over France, gave it up, and was killed by this new guy, the Dark, Mysterious Figure."

"How do you know? Did you guys see him die?"

"We got an anonymous tip."

"And you’re basing his death on THAT? This is the Parodyverse, for heaven’s sakes!"

"Well… see… there was a fern with various… uh… body parts… attached. It was not pleasant."

"Oh… geez. What’s with this guy and ferns?" spiffy muttered, "So what did you guys do about the Dark, Mysterious Figure?"

"Nothing. He hasn’t shown up since. Guess he’s dead or something."

"You… didn’t do ANYTHING? What’s wrong with you people? He’s an enormous threat! And we have to find out what’s up with this evil spiffy guy. He’s somehow connected to me, I know it!"

"Relax, spiffy. We’ve had enough problems lately, we haven’t had time," Cheryl replied, calmly, "We’ll stop him when he does something."

"Don’t you see? That could be too late! If you won’t go after him, I will."

"No, spiffy, wait! It’s too dangerous! You have no powers, you’d be a sitting duck!"

"Someone has to get to the bottom of this. It might as well be me. Goodbye," and with that, spiffy stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Oh, good God… we’d better tell Jarvis about this…" Space Ghost moaned.

That had been seven days ago. Seven days since spiffy had left the LL base. A full week… and he had made no progress. He was beginning to realize the futility of his search. It was as he had said to Space Ghost. This man was an enormous threat. He obviously had incredible powers. For all he knew, he could be being watched at all times Shaking his head, spiffy forced these thoughts out of his mind. He had a job to do. Bringing himself away from his silent pondering, he looked around at his surroundings. Still nothing but sewage and trash. Evil spiffy had ruined this place, destroyed its potential. Sighing, spiffy pressed on… but then paused. In the midst of all the filth and decay, he had seen a brief flicker of light. This had happened before, but it had always been nothing but an empty pop can or broken bottle. Nevertheless, spiffy hastened towards the origin of the flicker. Digging through a particularly revolting pile of waste, he found, half-buried, a broken, pathetic-looking potted fern. The shiny metal had caught a meager sun beam to attract his attention. Discouraged and about to toss it away, spiffy paused, pondering its significance. Evil spiffy had worn a fern, but finding this one could have nothing to do with him. But… there was always the chance…

"Stop right there."

The voice seemed to come out of nowhere. It was strangely familiar, but spiffy couldn’t place it. Still holding the fern, he slowly raised his hands and turned around to find… his allies. He was facing fellow LL members, Yo, Cheryl, Lisa, Donar, and Space Ghost.

"Whew, it’s only you guys," spiffy breathed a sigh of relief, dropping his hands, "For a second there, I thought it was a threat."

"And who says we’re not a threat?" said Cheryl, with a decidedly icy tone.

"Wh-what? Guys… this isn’t funny…"

"No. Not funny at all," Lisa replied, "For what you did to Jarvis and Visionary, traitor…"

"You be of dying now," Yo finished.

Before spiffy could think, much less demand an explanation, a GAAAHHH! blast ripped from Donar’s body, directly towards spiffy’s diminutive figure.

The GAAAHHH! blast was careening towards spiffy at a speed too great to be measured. spiffy knew that there was no way to escape. No one had ever avoided a GAAAHHH! blast. Instinctively, he threw his arms over his face, prepared for doom. The energy hit and… bounced off towards a nearby building. The building was disintegrated instantly, leaving spiffy and his attackers momentarily stunned. spiffy recovered first, and tore off away from the LL members. Screaming in rage, Cheryl was the first one after him, but he had a good lead. He also had the advantage of knowing the area. Dodging this way and that, through alleyways and buildings, spiffy lost her quickly enough. Stopping in a warehouse for a rest, spiffy realized that the blast hadn’t simply bounced of him. He had been holding the fern. "This isn’t any ordinary fern," spiffy said to himself, looking at the potted plant in wonder.

Hearing voices near him, spiffy realized that he hadn’t established as much of a lead on his pursuers as he would have liked. He started to run away, but suddenly, there was a massive explosion behind him. He was thrown to the ground by the violent shock waves, knocking out his breath. Turning, he was confronted with the figure of Lisa, with her legal powers flowing around her and Coolwhip ready, coming directly towards him. She didn’t look happy. Not happy at all. "We trusted you, spiffy. You betrayed us. Again. Now you’re going to pay."

"But… what did I do? What could I have done to make you hate me so much?"

"Shut up. Shut up and die," Lisa raised her hand, pointing it directly at spiffy’s head.

"Can’t let you do that." spiffy, while they’d been talking, had gathered up a handful of dust and pebbles. These he threw directly at the lawyer’s eyes, temporarily blinding her. Before she could gather herself, spiffy threw himself out of her aim. Crying out in anger and pain, Lisa blasted the ground where spiffy had been lying, leaving a smoking crater. spiffy went to run away again, but he ran into someone. It was Space Ghost. Pointing his Spank Ray at spiffy. Point blank range.

"Leaving so soon?" said Space Ghost, in a voice dripping with malice, "Don’t you want to stay with your ‘friends’?"

"Listen to me, Ghost. Whatever happened, I didn’t do it," spiffy pleaded.

"Yeah, I might have believed you once. But I was there, spiffy. I saw you… Just come with me."

Space Ghost led spiffy at gunpoint over to his allies. Lisa was still blinking desperately to clear her eyes. The rest of them just stood there, watching spiffy, obviously wanting blood. They formed a circle around him, preventing his escape. Their hate-filled expressions made it clear to spiffy what they were going to do to him.

"Wait, guys. You’re my friends. I’d never do anything to hurt you.

"Tell me what happened."

"Ha! spiffy is of wanting to us believe him not do bad thing. He evil," Yo spat out.

"After what you did to Visionary… don’t listen to him. He’s trying to trick us again," Cheryl said in a pain-filled voice.

"Cheryl, you’ve always been so calm, reasonable… tell me what happened!"

"I… I… no," Cheryl turned away, obviously fighting back tears.

"See what you’ve done to her? To… all of us… I’ve had enough. Donar, kill the vermin," Lisa ordered.

"Verily," Donar replied, in a very grim voice. He gathered his powers for another blast of GAAAHHH! power, but was interrupted… by a swift kick in the stomach. Acting swiftly, spiffy took out Lisa by knocking her legs out, and hit Space Ghost firmly on the head with the potted fern. Space Ghost was knocked unconscious instantly. This left only Yo and Cheryl. Yo was the bigger threat, for how does one beat a being of pure thought energy? They were the most difficult opponents for spiffy to face. Cheryl had always been so level-headed, but now… and Yo was the innocent lover of bunnies, who now wanted spiffy dead. These thoughts made spiffy hesitate, giving his attackers an immediate advantage. They both attacked at the same instant, showering spiffy with blows. Through the pain, spiffy lashed out blindly, striking Yo and throwing her backwards. This left Cheryl, who continued to attack. With only one attacker, though, spiffy quickly pressed his advantage. With a quick blow to the lower jaw and a knee to the belly, Cheryl was disabled. Instead of letting her lie there to make his getaway, spiffy picked her up and snaked his arm around her neck, so that he could snap it in an instant. The LL was quickly recovering, all of them standing except Space Ghost. They quickly assessed the situation, and found that they were at a severe disadvantage.

"Let him go, spiffy. Take it like a man," Lisa growled.

"We be of worse making if you hurt friend Cheryl," Yo threatened.

"I’m not going to do anything to her. I just want to know what happened."

"Just listen to him. Always pretending. I was stuck in the Not-So-Happy Place. I didn’t betray you. You guys are my friends. And we were fools to listen to him. Why’d you do it, spiffy?" Lisa demanded.

"Do WHAT? I’m telling the truth! I have no idea what happened! Wait a second… where DonAAAAARRRRGGHHH!" spiffy fell to the ground as a massive bolt of energy struck him in the back.

"Nice work, Donar," was the last thing he heard, as the world turned black.

Sounds and pictures swirled around endlessly. Accusing faces and pointing fingers tormented him. He remembered the sting of betrayal, of false accusations, and the bitter taste of defeat. These deafening memories almost, but not entirely, blocked out faint voices in the background. He thought he could hear his friends, the LL, talking… about him! But he couldn’t quite make it out… and the blackness swallowed his world again.

An eternity later, spiffy regained consciousness. His body was on fire and his head throbbed, but he could think again. Shaking his head to clear the cobwebs, he looked at his surroundings. He was in a small room, with no furniture or objects of any kind. He recognized it as one of the LL’s jail cells. Trying to determine how he got there, spiffy remembered his defeat at the hands of his friends and groaned. That minute sound set off some sort of alarm, alerting the LL. Within minutes, the Dark Knight appeared at the door of spiffy’s cell. He said nothing, but deactivated the containment field and roughly pulled spiffy out. Being lead up some stairs, spiffy mentally took his position, figuring that they were headed to debriefing room. That wasn’t good, because it was only used in bad times. He was correct, and as the swinging doors opened, he could see his former allies seated around the conference table. None of them were smiling. Present were NTU-150, Fin Fang Foom, Lisa, Yo, Space Ghost, Donar, Banjooo, and a guest, Cheryl. It seemed that NTU-150 was in charge of the proceedings. The Dark Knight forced spiffy into a chair and stood silently behind him.

"We are here to determine the guilt or innocence of spiffy," NTU shattered the silence, "Fin Fang Foom, Lisa, Yo, Space Ghost, Donar, Cheryl, Banjooo, and the Dark Knight will act as the prosecution. spiffy will have to provide his own defense."

spiffy gathered himself. "What are the charges?" he asked.

"You are accused of assault and battery, and attempted murder," NTU replied.

"The assault of whom?"

"Of Jarvis and Visionary. How do you plead?"

"Innocent.. not guilty! Are they all ri-"

"Do not speak out of turn. Let the first witness speak."

"I’ll start," said Cheryl, in a surprisingly calm voice,

"One week ago, spiffy left to supposedly track down the one known as evil spiffy. We didn’t hear from him for another five days. Two days ago, as you all know, he returned to the base…"

"What? I didn’t…"

"I warned you not to speak out of turn! Don’t force us to gag you," NTU warned.

"So… he returned, and all he said was that he needed to talk to all of us about something very important. We all gathered… well… here to see what he had to say. So… he started talking about… about… I don’t know, the horrors of persecution… and then… then…" Cheryl broke off, sobbing.

spiffy was shocked at this reaction, never having seen Cheryl in this state. Yo comforted her, as Lisa took her place at the witness stand.

"The defendant was, for lack of a better term, rambling. He started explaining the horrors of prejudice and persecution, then went on to compare different types of milk. It was becoming very tedious. Finally, Jarvis spoke up. He asked the defendant what the point of the meeting was, which served to make the defendant quite tense. He seemed to be preparing to attack Jarvis, so Visionary stood up to prevent this. As they both outweighed the defendant by a good deal, it seemed that subduing him would be a simple task, but it was not so. Pointing a hand at each of them, they rose in the air. As the rest of us reacted, we found that we couldn’t move. We were forced to watch as he…" Lisa paused, gathering her strength, "He… somehow… squeezed the air around Jarvis and Visionary. They… we could see their… ribs break… they were bleeding all over their bodies… and we couldn’t do anything…" Lisa broke off.

"Thank you, Lisa," NTU dismissed her, "Now, Yo, will you please come to the stand?"

Yo, Space Ghost, Dark Knight, Fin Fang Foom, Banjooo, and Donar testified, but the words didn’t register. spiffy saw everything through a haze, as if it were some sort of nightmare. He couldn’t understand why this was happening. The haze was broken by NTU-150.

"spiffy? spiffy? Would you like to say anything in your defense?"

"Hm…? Yes… yes, I would," spiffy went to stand in front of the angry faces, "As you all know, I left one week ago to track down evil spiffy. I hadn’t returned until today, when I was… convinced to come back. If I had these energy powers, why wouldn’t I use them to resist you guys when you brought me back here? This kind of thing has happened before. Evil spiffy replaced me for several months, he could easily be trying to frame me. Maybe I was getting too close. Remember when Jarvis was framed for murder? MOB did it. This is the same thing."

No one looked convinced.

"And you have no proof that you were gone the whole time? No evidence? No witnesses?" NTU demanded.

"Well… no. No, no one saw me. I only have my journal and… the potted fern that I found. Maybe you could analyze that, see if you can find anything…?"

NTU paused, considering this. "All right. Court is temporarily adjourned for analysis of evidence."

The Dark Knight escorted spiffy back to his cell. Things looked very bleak, spiffy could see that. He couldn’t think of any way to convince his teammates of his innocence. After pondering his options for a short while, he decided that he could do nothing until the analysis was complete. He tried to get to sleep. He was barely conscious when his peace was shattered by a piercing shriek.

spiffy leapt to his feet, startled. Recovering from his initial fright, he rushed to the barred front of his enclosure. Nothing was within his range of sight, but he could hear some faint sound just behind the wall… in the direction of NTU’s lab. Frustrated, spiffy pounded on the wall, to no avail.

"Hello?" he shouted, "Anyone? What’s going on?"

Strangely, there was no response. He would’ve thought that there would’ve been at least one guard posted, even though he wasn’t exactly the biggest threat. Listening closely, spiffy could vaguely hear someone… moaning? But it wasn’t the kind of moan he heard from Lisa, it was a cry of pain. Growling with annoyance, spiffy tried to calm himself down, eliminate all noise, so he could hear what was going on. Standing absolutely still, he could here the vague sounds of… a battle? Were Baron Zemo and the SBZL attacking? The LL might need him! He could hear explosions, so the battle was obviously a large one. Suddenly, he realized that he didn’t have to be quiet to hear the battle anymore. The sounds were getting closer! In a split second realization, spiffy threw himself to the far corner of his cell, as the wall in front of him exploded. In retrospect, the corner wasn’t any safer than the rest of the cell, but… spiffy stopped thinking about that as he focused on the scene ahead of him. It was Starseed… but he was supposed to be dead? Looking closer, he realized that it was indeed Starseed, but he looked… different. He wasn’t entirely cohesive, almost like Yo. As if he were composed of energy… but what was he doing? He seemed to be fighting with himself, contorting his body into all sorts of positions, as if fighting some kind of invisible foe.

"Starseed? What… what’s wrong?"

"spiffy?? GAAAHHH!!! Get this thing off of me!" Starseed replied, in a frantic tone, "It’s sucking the life out of me!"

"Wha… Oh my God! That can’t be…"

Starseed let loose a burst of pure GAAAHH! energy, barely missing spiffy. The containment field bent then disappeared. Without considering his actions, spiffy leapt towards Starseed’s midsection. The shock was tremendous and it took him several seconds to regain his composure. Groping around, he found what he was looking for and ripped it off of Starseed’s body. Starseed collapsed without a sound. spiffy was left holding a fern, as he had suspected, but it wasn’t exactly limp. It was flailing about madly, trying to get a hold on him, more specifically his throat. Instinctively he tossed it away, and then slapped himself for his stupidity. But it was too late, it had escaped. Before he could go after it, the LL arrived. Without NTU and Yo.

"spiffy! You got Starseed too? Get him!" Lisa cried. "No, wait! We have to stop the fern!" spiffy responded desperately, "It could kill us all!"

"What, a killer fern? Likely," Lisa stepped ominously forwards. "No, Lisa, wait!" a voice from behind Lisa stopped her, "He’s telling the truth!"

"My God, NTU, what happened?" Cheryl gasped.

"The fern… it’s not from this dimension… it drains energy… that’s why it went after Yo and Starseed…" with that, NTU fell in a heap on the floor.

"Aw, crap… All right, Cheryl, Space Ghost, take Starseed and NTU to the infirmary! Banjooo, find Yo and get him there too! The rest of you, we have to get that fern!" Lisa ordered, "spiffy… You know something about this thing?"

"Yeah, it’s from…"

"Okay, we have no choice but to trust you for this. Where’d the fern go?"

"It could be anywhere, but I’d guess the air conditioning. It likes enclosed places," spiffy replied.

"How do you… never mind. FFF, DK, spiffy, take the first and second floors. Donar, you’re with me. Move!" then, quietly to DK, she said, "Watch spiffy."

Donar and Lisa crept warily through the corridors of the second sub-level. They both knew that the enemy was probably nearby, but neither of them knew where. Donar broke the silence.

"Fairest Lisa, methinks ‘tis a touch ridiculous to be wasting mine godly powers in the stalking of this pitiful houseplant. ‘Tis not worthy of mine skill and power."

"Donar, did you see what that thing did to Yo and Starseed? And you think it’s not worth your time? Get some priorities."

"… It seems I should apologize now. Pardon me, Lisa, it simply seems to be a situation that warrants not…"

"Shut up."

"Verily."

The pair continued on, neither of them wanting to admit that they hadn’t the slightest idea of how to fight a fern. Several minutes later, they were frustrated and ready to give up the search. Then, they heard a faint scuffling sound.

"Lisa, ‘tis mayhap…"

"Shh!"

Standing absolutely still, Lisa listened. She stood there for several seconds, until Donar was about to ask her what she was doing. Suddenly, she whirled around and fired a burst of legal powers at the wall, disintegrating it immediately.

"Lisa, what doth thou…"

"There it is!"

The fern was in the smoking gap, seemingly unharmed. In fact, it was… glowing, faintly.

"Well? Blast it!"

Immediately, Donar and Lisa fired their combined powers at the seemingly innocent plant. Nothing could be seen beneath the lights and smoke produced. Finally they let up.

"Did we get it?"

"Methinks yes… aye… I am feeling very much exhausted…"

"Me too… must not fall asleep… must… no…" The pair fell slowly to the floor, asleep or unconscious. As the smoke cleared, the gap in the wall was empty, except for a single leaf.

"How’re Jarvis and Visionary?"

"Not good, if you must know," the Dark Knight replied, "You did a good job on them.

"For God’s sakes, it wasn’t me!"

"Yeah, sure. Now, where’s this fern of yours?"

"It’s not… probably in the vents somewhere. It likes enclosed spaces."

"How do you know?"

"It comes from the Not-So-Happy Place, if I’m right. Energy drainers.

Almost killed me more than once."

"Would’ve saved us the trouble…"

"Shut up, both of you!" Fin Fang Foom shouted, "Let’s get this fern, then we can argue about spiffy!"

"But, guys, when we do find it, don’t attack it with…"

"What the hell is that?" the Dark Knight cried. The wall in front of them was bulging and smoking.

"Ohhhh crap. That’d be the fern. FFF, do NOT flame it. It thrives on energy. DK, we need to…"

Before spiffy could finish the wall exploded outwards, bombarding the trio with debris. Now exposed was the plant, glowing with energies. "Dammit, I think it got Lisa and Donar. All right, FFF, distract it.

DK, one of us has to…"

The fern didn’t let him complete his sentence. Instantly it leaped outwards, attaching itself to FFF’s face. The man struggled for an instant, then began his transformation to a dragon. DK rushed to his comrade’s aid while spiffy hung back. The Knight ripped the fern off of FFF’s face, only to have it attach itself to his arm. He futilely tried to tear it off, then, giving up on that, slammed it against the wall. By this time, FFF was a full dragon, and terribly angry. Roaring, he brought up his claws menacingly. Bringing them down on the fern, however, was a mistake. The plant moved at the last second, leaving only DK’s arm in the path of FFF’s claws. The result was an agonized scream and four bloody marks through his upper arm.

"Oh my God, DK, I’m sorry!"

"All… right… get… fern!"

"No, you’re doing this wrong!" spiffy cried, "We have to go for the place right at… AACK!"

The fern had slithered over to spiffy and attached itself firmly to his ankle. It was slowly making its way up his leg. "Nice try, fern. Next time, do that to someone that doesn’t know your weakness," spiffy said triumphantly. He reached down to the place where the stems met the earth, searched for a second, and shot his hand down into the dirt. Nothing happened for a moment, then the fern slid to the floor. There was a moment of silence, broken by the Dark Knight.

"That was kind of… anti-climactic… I’m… losing a lot of blood… get to infirmary…"

Reaching the infirmary, spiffy and Fin Fang Foom laid the Dark Knight onto a bed for the robot nurses to tend to his injuries. Looking around, they saw that Cheryl and Space Ghost were already there, with the prone bodies of Yo, Starseed, and NTU-150 in front of them. Yo and Starseed were looking strangely translucent, and NTU was battered badly. Looking past them, spiffy’s breath caught in his throat. In nutrient baths, being tended by several robot nurses, were the figures of Jarvis and Visionary. Moving closer, spiffy was appalled. They were battered almost beyond recognition. The chest injuries were agonizing to look at, and the wounds all over their bodies were awful. His teammates were speaking, but nothing registered. Time had stopped. All spiffy could see was his half-dead teammates.

"No," spiffy breathed, "No… evil spiffy will pay for this."

Tearing himself away from his injured teammates, he turned to his companions. Realizing something, he said "Where’re Lisa and Donar?"

"Here," a voice came from the doorway, "I found them unconscious on sub-level two." It was Banjooooo, carrying Lisa and Donar. They had no obvious physical injuries, but neither of them was awake, and they were both terribly pale.

"What’s wrong with them?" Cheryl asked, trembling slightly, "What happened?"

"It’s the fern, Cheryl," spiffy replied, "It got them too."

"So what the hell do we do about it?" asked Fin Fang Foom roughly.

"I… don’t know. All I know is, that I have an immunity to the ferns," spiffy wondered, "Probably because I was in the Not-So-Happy Place for so long."

"So… what can we do?" Cheryl inquired.

"Isn’t it obvious?" spiffy stated, "We have to take them to the Not-So-Happy Place."

"My God, you’d think that beings of pure energy would be lighter." The speaker was Banjooooo, king of sea monkeys. He was carrying the prone bodies of Starseed and Yo. Plodding along beside him was Fin Fang Foom, carrying Donar and Lisa, and spiffy, their guide.

"Stop complaining," FFF said, "I’m carrying a god and a lawyer."

"Good point."

"Guys, this is weird…" spiffy stated hesitantly.

"What?" they both replied.

"Well… frankly, it’s odd that we haven’t been attacked yet."

"Hey, you don’t see me complaining," Banjooooo said.

"You were just complaining," said FFF.

"Shut up."

"Well, really… when you’re in the Not-So-Happy Place, you just expect an attack."

One hour earlier

"We have to take them where?"

"Cheryl, calm down!" spiffy replied, "I know my way around the place, and it’s the only way I can think of to help them recover!" "Let me get this straight. In order to help our friends get better, we have to take them to the most dangerous place we can think of."

"Yeah, but…"

"I wasn’t finished," Cheryl continued, "And not only that, you don’t know exactly how this will help them recover, or how long it’ll take."

"Well…"

"And, you’re planning to leave me and Space Ghost here to guard? What if the SBZL attacks?"

"We’ve gone over this already," spiffy said impatiently, "All I know is that after the first fern attack I survived, I was immune to their energy-sapping. They’re mostly dead anyway, NTU’s unconscious, and none of us have medical training. And I need FFF and Banjooooo in there to help me protect the others. You and Space Ghost can handle everything, and the Dark Knight can give you a hand." There was a groan from the background.

"Yeah, he’ll be a big help," Space Ghost said sarcastically. "I just don’t see why we’re listening to this traitor anyway!" Cheryl cried in exasperation.

"Just a minute, Cheryl," Banjooooo stopped her, "I think he’s proved his loyalty. He took down the fern, didn’t he? It was just evil spiffy that… attacked them."

"Yeah? So where’s the fern now?"

"Ah… well…"

"Thing is, when we were getting everyone to the infirmary, we kinda…" FFF stammered.

"Forgot," spiffy finished.

"Oh, this is priceless… all right, get the hell out of here before I change my mind," Cheryl said, turning to her battered husband."

The Present

The Not-So Happy Place

"So… uh… spiffy… where’re we going, anyways?" Banjooooo asked.

"Trying to find a pack of ferns."

"Whaaaaat? May I ask why?"

"I wasn’t immune to them until after my first encounter. I figure that the immunity has something to do with meeting them in their natural environment."

"Since when did you become such a science whiz?"

"It’s called survival. You learn or die." "All right… I think I liked you more before all this evil spiffy stuff."

"Yeah, well… I liked you better before you guys all tried to kill me… wait a second… all right, put everyone down and form a circle around them."

"What? Why?" they both asked as they did as he instructed.

"Either of you read Bunnicula? Story of a vampire rabbit?"

"Yeah, I did," Banjooooo replied, receiving a weird look from FFF, "What? I was a little kid!"

"Well you’re about to live it. Don’t let them bite you, it’s not pleasant."

"What the… whoa!" FFF cried.

The trio was completely surrounded by a pack of twenty or so rabbits. With fangs. Quite long fangs. They had crept up on the heroes silently, but somehow alerting spiffy to their presence. They didn’t make a sound, but stared at their intended victims with bloodshot eyes. They were all sitting, not making a move.

"spiffy?" FFF said nervously, "Why aren’t they doing anything?"

"See that big one?" spiffy whispered, "When he moves his ear, they’ll all…" As if on cue, the rabbit leader gave the signal and the bunny horde pounced. Banjooooo and FFF paused for a moment, then fought back, sending the little mammals flying. spiffy didn’t pause at all, but went straight for the leader. He couldn’t fight at his peak, though, for he had to protect his unconscious teammates too. The rabbits had the advantage. No matter how many the trio killed or maimed, more came to take their place. Until now, the heroes had been fighting in silence. Then, the dragon gave a particularly loud yelp of pain. Looking behind him, he saw a rabbit biting his tail, which promptly fell off. He spoke while gutting the tail-biting rabbit.

"That had so better grow back… spiffy? These things don’t suck energy too, do they?"

"Erg… no…"

"So I can flame ‘em?"

"Go for it."

Banjooooo shielded the dragon as he gathered his forces. Then, as he was prepared to let loose, spiffy and Banjooooo fell to the ground, covering their friends. Fin Fang Foom looked at the lead rabbit with a glint in his eye, and fired a jet of flame at it. Seeing the leader disintegrate, the dragon enlarged the jet and flamed the circle of bunnies. When he was done, all that remained was an army of rabbit skeletons.

"Whew. That was fun," the dragon said, wiping the sweat from his face. Suddenly, the skeletons started to move menacingly towards the heroes.

"Oh, hell," Banjooooo sighed, stepping forward. His enormous foot smashed a dozen rabbit skeletons to powder. Walking around, the king of sea monkeys made quick work of the bones. "That was a lot harder when I was alone," spiffy said to himself, "All right, stay frosty, you guys. The ferns’ territory is still quite a ways from here."

"Stay frosty?" Banjooooo asked.

"Shut up, I’m under a lot of stress."

"Then maybe you’d better cool down. So where’re the killer snowmen?"

"You’re not funny."

"Nope, I’m frosty."

"God help me…"

So the trio continued to move, speeding up while going past a bubble bath. spiffy refused to say what it was. They also passed a rather large pile of fecal matter.

"Whoa… what made that?" Banjooooo asked.

"Oh, crap… I mean… I should’ve told you guys… Sea monkeys aren’t so small around here… or quite so harmless."

"What, I’m supposed to fight my own kind?"

"They’re evil, Banjooooo. Deal with it."

"But I’m a kind and considerate king…"

"So what’re dragons like around here?" FFF asked.

"No idea, I haven’t seen any. But anyway, these droppings are fresh. There must be sea monkeys very close by… we should…"

"Stay frosty?" Banjooooo suggested. spiffy just sighed.

"So when’re we gonna meet these killer sea monkeys?" FFF asked, "Should be fun. I mean, sea monkeys aren’t any kind of real… threat… heh heh… no offense meant, Banjooooo."

"Oh, none taken. spiffy, could you hold Yo and Starseed for me?"

"No time for that. The sea monkeys are coming." Peering into the distance, Banjooooo could just barely make out three large figures. They looked very familiar, and were coming closer at a very fast rate.

"So how do we beat these ones?" Fin Fang Foom asked.

"Well… I did it by tricking them, but that won’t work again… Our best bet would be flaming them to dehydrate them. Can you manage that?"

"I dunno… That last burst really took a lot outta me…"

"You’re gonna have to give it a shot… Banjooooo, why’re you looking at them so closely?"

"I… I think I know them!"

"Whaaaaat?"

"It’s… it’s…"

"Banjooooo!" cried one of the approaching sea monkeys.

"No, you’re Banjooooo," Fin Fang Foom commented, confused, "And how’d you say that without moving your lips?"

"Hey, dragon! Over here!" Finny turned to face a rather large sea monkey.

"Oh my. You’re big," the dragon said eloquently. And indeed, it was big. Even bigger than Banjooooo, who was rather large for a sea monkey.

"Yeah, I am," the sea monkey replied sarcastically, "Banjooooo… is that really you?"

"Banjooooo… yeah, I’m Banjooooo. And you’ve got a lot of nerve, whoever you are."

"What the- Banjooooo, it’s me!" the stranger cried, "It’s Roscoe!"

"I’ll kill you," the king of sea monkeys advanced on the stranger. He didn’t look at all happy.

"Aw, crap. Finny, looks like we’re gonna have to fight after all," spiffy sighed. Peering behind the strange sea monkey, spiffy could see two more like him. Resigned, he stepped forwards. Fin Fang Foom followed. Banjooooo and the first stranger circled each other behind them.

"How DARE you impersonate Roscoe??" Banjooooo demanded.

"Look, I am Roscoe!" the stranger insisted. "Yeah, he’s only been dead for what… seven years? You make me sick," with that, Banjooooo attacked. He rushed forwards, punching Roscoe in the jaw, then falling back into an attack position. His opponent shook his head an roared with anger.

"Banjooooo would never do something that low! Die!!!!!!" Roscoe shot forwards, bowling Banjooooo over, and rose into the air above him. Banjooooo just lay there, and Roscoe began to descend feet-first towards him. Suddenly, Banjooooo leapt to his feet and head-butted Roscoe in the belly. He fell to the ground, gasping. Banjooooo raised his hands above his head, and a strange glow grew between them. He brought them down and the ball of energy enveloped his opponent. Roscoe couldn’t be seen under the covering of white light. Slowly, the glow faded, to reveal Roscoe covered in clams.

"Banjooooo! It is you! No one else could… or would want to… do that."

"Roscoe… Roscoe. What happened to you?"

"Long story. Big fight, we got shunted off here, had seven years of living hell, badda bing, badda boom, here you are."

"My God… I’m sorry." The two enormous sea monkeys hugged each other.

"Uh… not to interrupt or anything, guys…" said a voice from over to the side. Turning, Banjooooo saw Fin Fang Foom holding Phil above his head by the leg, and spiffy in Markooooo’s fist.

"Heh… Markooooo, you can put spiffy down now. He’s a friend," Banjooooo chuckled.

"This guy? He’s puny." Nevertheless, Markooooo put spiffy down, and FFF did the same for Phil.

"Puny, he says. Banjooooo, why are you guys all so… big?" spiffy brushed himself off.

"Hey, wait a minute…" Roscoe said, "Don’t I know you, little guy?"

"Ah… I don’t think so…" spiffy said, slowly backing away.

"Yeah! You’re that one we met last month… that wanted to fight us!"

"Must be mistaking me with someone else… really…"

"What do you… oh, hey, don’t worry. We’re not mad. It’s not as if you really tricked us."

"I… didn’t?"

"No, of course not! Who would fall for that old tomato pie trick?"

"Heh heh… right… I knew you were fooling all along…"

"Tomato pie trick?" the dragon asked, "What’s this about, spiffy?"

"Never mind," spiffy responded, quickly changing the subject, "We have to find the ferns, all right? Let’s go!"

"And don’t forget to stay frosty," Banjooooo quipped, stooping to pick up his teammates.

"You’re looking for the ferns?" Markoooooo asked, "Well hey, I can take you right to them. But… you do know they suck energy, right?"

"Yeah, I only lived here for like six months."

"We’ve been here for seven years." spiffy remained silent, and after a moment Markooooo started walking. Banjooooo and his old friends chatted endlessly, and after a while, they came upon the ferns. The plants were all slumped on the ground.

"Uh… what’s wrong with them?" Banjooooo inquired.

"I don’t know… I’ve never seen them like this before," spiffy replied, "Something must have attacked them… or maybe they’re sick."

"They’re sleeping," Phil told them, "They do sleep, you know."

"Uh… yeah, I knew that…" spiffy said, desperately trying to hold on to some semblance of intelligence.

"So… what do we do now?" Finny asked.

"You want to get these guys back to health, huh? Well… when Phil got drained, we just stuck a whole bunch of ferns in his mouth and waited. He got better," Roscoe informed them. So, the shoved three ferns into each of their friends mouths. And waited. Unfortunately, after their hours of walking, they were all very tired. They fell asleep, surrounded by enemy plants. Eventually, they were woken up by a strange noise.

"Mgygh phtf laaaaaggg!"

"What the hell was that?" Finny cried.

"MGHJT-ptui! Who the hell put these… plants in my mouth???" Lisa screamed.

"Yup. She’s better," spiffy commented.

"Verily, yon plants doth taste of manure."

Fifteen minutes ago, Lair Legion HQ.

"So… Space Ghost… nice pants you have there." Cheryl and Space Ghost had been sitting around for several hours, supposedly guarding the infirmary. Nothing had happened yet.

"Yeah, well… they’re kinda chafing, if you know what I mean. I’d rather go without them," he replied.

"Ah… so, nice weather!" Cheryl said hastily.

"It’s raining."

"Rain can be nice," she said, pleading silently with God to take her away. She glanced away from the smelly man and rested her eyes on one particular figure. Visionary, her husband. He just lay there, immobile. She couldn’t even tell if his condition had improved any because of the foggy glass obscuring the view. Space Ghost had continued talking, and she turned back to him. She missed a slight movement of Visionary’s hand.

"… and then, well, I can tell you… that was it. That cow went flying!" Space Ghost finished, "Some story, huh?"

"Um… yeah," she replied distractedly. Then the doorbell went. "I’ll get it!" Cheryl cried, rushing to the entrance. As she approached the door, though, she started noticing that she was very sleepy. She arrived at the door and leaned on the knob for a minute before opening it. "Hello?" she said drowsily. "Huh? You’re not in the League of Regulars… think I have the wrong house," the stranger answered.

"Cheryl? Who’s there?" came Space Ghost’s voice from behind her.

"Oh, this is the right place. I may come in now."

"You may come in now," Cheryl echoed. The stranger entered the building and looked around.

"You’ve made some improvements since my membership," the diminutive figure commented, "As would be expected, I guess. The last time I was here, I wasn’t really in the mood to look around. But you’ve done a really nice job on the place. But anyway, take me to Jarvis."

"Take you to Jarvis," Cheryl said in a monotone voice as she walked to the infirmary.

"Took you long enough. Wait, that’s…" Space Ghost paused as he saw the visitor, then his eyes glazed over, "…the master," he finished.

Now, the Not-So-Happy-Place

"My, what big sea monkeys you have, spiffy," Lisa said hungrily, "May I have one?"

"Not now, Lisa, we have more important things to do."

"Spoilsport," she muttered, walking over to Phil. spiffy shuddered, then went back to his conversation with Banjooooo.

"Okay, you had some… Happy Place powers, right?" "Yeah, but I never figured them out. And this isn’t the Happy Place anyway."

"It’s the Not-So-HAPPY-PLACE. Same words, right?"

"It’s a different dimensional plane, spiffy."

"So? Has the same words in it!"

"You named it, spiffy."

"… so?"

"You’re in denial, spiffy."

"… shut up."

"But you might be right… I can try to send us back. But you got back on your own last time. Couldn’t we do that again?"

spiffy paused before responding. "I’d really rather not."

Banjooooo sighed. "All right, but remember, I’ve never tried this before. Uh… we’d better get into a small group. There we go. Now, I need complete silence to work my sea monkey magic. Here we go." The group surrounding the king of sea monkeys held its collective breath in anticipation. He closed his eyes, bringing his hands together above his head. He took a deep breath and furrowed his brow in concentration. A glow emanated from between his clenched fists. It slowly gained intensity until it was blinding. It faded slowly. The assembled heroes looked around.

"Um… we’re still here," Starseed observed.

"Banjooooo? What happened?" spiffy asked.

"Methinks yon sea monkey ‘tis in no position to reply to said query, comrade," Donar replied, gesturing at Banjooooo’s prone body.

"All he managed to do was knock himself out?" spiffy asked in disbelief, "That’s great. That’s just great."

"spiffy, you got out of here last time," Starseed remembered, "Let’s just do that again. How’d it work?"

"I’d… ah… really rather… find some other way…" spiffy stammered. "We all take baths of bubbles together!" the formerly silent Yo said cheerfully.

"How did you know that?" spiffy exclaimed.

"Beings of pure thought energy much know, yes," Yo replied smugly, "Here over!" s/he cried, gesturing over to the right. The group followed, with Roscoe and Markooooo carrying their king. spiffy sighed, then followed. Hours later, they arrived at the bath. Lisa eagerly volunteered herself and Phil to go first, and the rest followed. Eventually, they were all back at the LL headquarters. What they found, however, didn’t raise their spirits. It was Space Ghost. That alone would be depressing, but he was lying on the floor, sparks flying from his Spank Ray. He was groaning and trying to get up as Yo tried to make him stay still. Lisa was frantically racing through the building.

"Jarvikins? Jarvikins! Where are you?" she cried desperately. The rest of the recently returned group stood gathered in the infirmary.

"What hath passed here?" Donar asked grimly. "Looks like there was a fight," Finny observed, pointing at several craters.

"Good call," Banjooooo said, "And we lost."

"How do you figure that?" spiffy asked.

"You’re right, Jarvis and Visionary beat whoever attacked and decided to go out for a pizza," Banjooooo replied sarcastically, "They were kidnapped. No kidding."

"Sorry," spiffy said, "I’m not thinking straight, for some reason."

"Friends!" came the voice of Yo, "Space Ghost awake and talk!" The heroes rushed over to where Space Ghost was lying on the floor.

"Eh… hey, guys," Space Ghost said weakly, "About time you got back."

"Hey, Ghosty," Starseed said with surprising tenderness, "You okay?" "Yeah, I’m great, ‘Seed," he replied sarcastically, "It only hurts… always."

"Uh… not to interrupt, guys," Banjooooo interrupted, "But what happened?"

"Ferny again," Space Ghost began, "Showed up and put us in some kinda… mind control, I guess. Well, then…" he paused, looking at all the attentive faces, expecting a big fight scene, "Ah, well… when I woke up, I hurt like hell. I guess he beat the crap outta me. And everyone else was gone."

"Verily, comrades, we seem to be overcome with troubles!" Donar exclaimed, "What is to be done?"

"Starseed, Lisa, spiffy, go to room with talky screen and get of help," Yo ordered, "Banjooooo, Donar, little monkey friends, go get big gun to wham evil spiffy with. Yo-being will help friend Space Ghost."

"Little monkey friends?" Roscoe asked. Banjooooo just shrugged. "Who put him in charge?" Starseed muttered as they went off to their allocated tasks.

"Hey, Jarvis, DK, and NTU are missing. He… she… Yo’s probably the best choice," spiffy responded. "So who do we have to call?"

"Whoever’s still around," Lisa replied grimly.

Hours later

"This is useless!" Lisa cried in exasperation. "I bet it’s this switch…" Starseed pondered, flipping it up. Their ears were greeted with opera music. "GAAHH!! Not that…" he said, flipping it back down.

"This is pathetic. We can’t figure out how to turn the bloody thing on," spiffy muttered.

"Wait, wait, this looks promising!" Starseed exclaimed, pointing at a switch labeled "on/off". He flipped it and the viewscreens came to life. spiffy sighed, realising that Starseed had be sitting on that switch the whole time.

"All right, we can finally get started!" spiffy said in jubilation. He sat down in one of the chairs and reached for the buttons, then paused. "Um… who exactly are our allies?" Lisa and Starseed didn’t reply for several moments.

"We don’t… have any… do we?" Starseed said finally.

"Nope," Lisa replied.

"Good Lord… let’s go see how the other group did," spiffy decided. They left the communications room and wandered over to the main conference room, where the other heroes had assembled. The door was locked.

"Guys! Open up! You ready?" Starseed yelled. The door opened slowly, revealing a room full of massive energy weapons, bombs, and other assorted offensive weaponry. spiffy gave an appreciative whistle.

"Oh yeah," Banjooooo replied, "We’re ready."

"Verily," Donar said, examining a particularly large energy cannon.

It was a majestic sight. Eleven people were assembled on the Lair Legion helipad. Six of them were equipped with enormous energy weapons, four seemed confident in their own abilities, and one was limping. The former was Space Ghost. They were all gazing in awe at NTU’s creation, the Giant Flying Robot Arm Zeke. Lisa stepped up the ramp and turned to face the heroes.

"Okay… we’ve managed to track evil spiffy with residual traces of the JarvisCosmic. He’s in the outskirts of Parodiopolis. There aren’t many people out there, so we don’t have to worry about civilians." "Ah, twill be a battle praised in song for ages to come," Donar said, anticipating the smiting to come.

"Sh, Donar," Starseed nudged him.

"Thank you, Starseed," Lisa continued, "Now, evil spiffy isn’t a pushover like, say… Zemo. We have our weapons, we have our powers, and we can’t be afraid to use them to their full extent. Space Ghost, since you can’t really fight, you’ll be our pilot."

"What? But I can’t-"

"You’ll figure it out," Lisa said, giving SG an icy stare. He fell silent. "Donar, Starseed, Banjooooo, Finny and I will attack as soon as we get into range. We have powers, we’re the least vulnerable. The rest of you, sea monkeys, spiffy, Yo, you’ll attack when we start to falter. Yo, do you have anything to add?" Yo joined Lisa on the ramp. "We be heroes, now. We save friends. We show bad spiffy what happen when take friends away. Now go!" This announcement was met with a great cheer as the Lair Legion entered the Giant Flying Robot Arm Zeke.

Space Ghost eventually figured out the controls with help from Yo, who, thinking s/he knew how to work it, was an expert. They soared over Parodiopolis, narrowly missing several skyscrapers. Space Ghost wasn’t that good of a pilot. The skyscrapers turned into apartments, the apartments into houses, and eventually there was hardly a building to be seen. The outskirts of Parodiopolis, rarely visited, sparsely inhabited. This was where evil spiffy was holding their friends. This would be the place of the final showdown. Lisa, who had been carefully watching a set of dials up until this point, motioned to Space Ghost to bring the ship down lower, then stood up. The other four in the first strike team joined her. They positioned themselves at the door as the arm approached a small mountain.

"That’s the place," Lisa murmured, "Ready?"

At the affirmative nods of her team, she released the door’s catch, and they leapt into the open air. The remaining Legionnaires sat and watched to see what would happen next. They could see Lisa shouting something, and Starseed and Donar moved forward in response. Lisa, Banjooooo and Fin Fang Foom hung back, which puzzled spiffy. The reason became clear as the two GAAAHHH! members released their energies on the mountain, causing thousands of rocks to explode outwards. As the dust cleared, evil spiffy’s figure became clear. Now the reason for the three heroes’ hesitation was evident. They moved in on their enemy as Donar and Starseed protected the Giant Flying Robot Arm Zeke from debris. Lisa attacked first, her Cool Whip lashing through the air. When it met her foe, however, it started to fade, then vanished completely. Lisa only faltered for a second before renewing her assault, this time using her legal energies. This was joined by a jet of flame from Fin Fang Foom and some kind of sea monkey energy from Banjooooo. This impressive display was enough to turn concrete to dust. It was not, however, enough to make evil spiffy fall. Instead, he laughed. His laughter stopped abruptly as he took hold of their energies and twisted them about. The heroes were obviously in great pain as their powers were used against them, and one by one they fell to the ground. By this time, Donar and Starseed had positioned themselves on opposite sides of the villain, and, seeing their allies fall, released simultaneous GAAAHHH! blasts, plus energy bursts from Donar’s weapon. This had no more effect on evil spiffy than the previous assault. They fell back, and evil spiffy renewed his laughter.

"God…" Roscoe muttered.

"I have an idea, guys," Space Ghost said, concentrating on the controls. "This whole thing is a flying arm, and at the end of every arm, there’s a fist. Fist, meet evil spiffy. Pow."

"So stop talking and go for it!" spiffy yelled. "Get ready to evacuate, guys!" The sea monkeys and Yo nodded. Space Ghost brought the arm up to evil spiffy’s level, carefully avoiding Donar and Starseed. When it was aimed directly at him, he accelerated, then leapt from his seat.

"Go, go, go!" he yelled, and the others complied. The sea monkeys grabbed Space Ghost and spiffy, and jumped out the door. Yo, thinking s/he could fly, had no trouble. They hovered in midair as the Giant Flying Robot Arm Zeke moved at breathtaking speed towards its target. It seemed that nothing could survive what was to follow. But something did. As it was about to hit him, it stopped. It just stopped. In mid-air. Evil spiffy laughed once more, and whirled the ship around. It hit Starseed from behind, driving him along with it. Finally it was released, fading quickly in the distance, carrying Starseed with it.

"Was that the best you could do?" evil spiffy asked mockingly.

"Nay," Donar answered grimly, "’Twas but a sampling of the suffering thou shalt feel! And ‘twill begin with mine wrath!" he bellowed, rocketing forward.

"That’s some nice wrath you have," he yawned, raising one hand. Donar stopped in the same was as their ship had. "Hey, Donar, know what would suck?"

"Eh?"

"If something like this were to happen," he finished, lowering his hand. Donar was propelled downwards and slammed into the ground, digging through layers of rocks and throwing up debris. Evil spiffy wasn’t finished yet, though. He levitated a pile of large rocks, then let them fall on Donar’s body. "Now didn’t that suck?" he asked. "The heavy hitters are down," Space Ghost observed, "It’s up to us."

"Right," spiffy agreed, "Everyone, aim!" Five energy weapons rose at the last word. Each other them was pointed at evil spiffy’s floating figure.

"Flame!" Yo cried cheerfully. Nothing happened until they realised s/he meant ‘Fire’, then the energy weapons burst into action together. Evil spiffy, who had until then been watching Donar’s resting place, whirled to greet this newest attack. Seeing his adversaries, he laughed once more. He certainly was a jovial type. One by one, the weapons were crushed and fell to the ground, leaving their wielders without protection. Then evil spiffy recognised one of them.

"Imposter," he breathed. Manipulating the energy flowing around him, he extended it to spiffy’s body. Before his allies could react, spiffy was thrust into the air at the mercy of his arch-rival. "Imposter!" he shrieked. Saying nothing more, he flung spiffy diagonally to the ground, where he landed hard. Following that, the world was filled with explosions and battle noises as Yo and the sea monkeys used their various powers to attack their foe, and Space Ghost tried to get away. Both attempts were useless.

spiffy, having been thrown a fair distance, was the only one to see what happened next. As he groggily sat up, a nearby pile of rubble began to shake. He watched it through glassy eyes as the shaking increased, and smaller rocks came loose, falling to the ground. Finally, the pile exploded outwards. spiffy shielded his eyes from the debris, and then looked again. There was dust everywhere. As it cleared, he could vaguely make out a figure, hunched over with the effort of hauling the rocks, but majestic nonetheless. It was Donar.

"N… Nay," he said, struggling for breath. He gathered his strength, and heaved the rocks at evil spiffy. They bounced off his energy shield, of course, but Donar had his attention.

"Nay," he said again, quietly, but gaining strength. "Nay." He took Mjalcom in his hand, and began swinging it. The pick and nail became a blur of movement as Donar stood up straight, and stared at evil spiffy, fire in his eyes.

"I say thee nay, vile one!!!!" he bellowed. "Thou hast sullied the name of mine comrade, dishonoured mine allies with capture most treacherous, and unjustly battled myself and yon Legion! For these crimes and more, villain, I SAY THEE NAY!!!"

With that final cry, Donar launched himself into the air, propelled by Mjalcom. Evil spiffy waited for him, arms crossed, with a surprisingly confident look on his face. Donar’s enraged face came closer and closer, following his fist. Evil spiffy didn’t budge. As Mjalcom reached the energy field, there was a blinding flash, forcing spiffy to look away.

As the brilliant light faded and spiffy’s eyes came back into focus, he looked again to the battle in the air. He saw a very surprising thing. Evil spiffy was… bleeding. Or, seemed to be. There was a great gash in his side, and a green liquid was slowly pulsing out. It wasn’t a very pleasant sight. The battle was still going strong, Donar and evil spiffy seeming to be fairly evenly matched. But then evil spiffy took the advantage. With both hands, he took hold of Mjalcom.

"Asgardian," he yelled, "You’ve met your match!" With that, he did something with his hands, and light began pulsing from Mjalcom, up his arms, and to his body. Donar roared in pain as evil spiffy laughed maniacally with victory.

"G… guys," a weak voice said from behind spiffy. He turned to find NTU-150 being supported by Cheryl and Starseed. They had obviously escaped after evil spiffy’s base exploded.

"He’s… vulnerable… to… to… physical attacks. That’s how Donar hurt him. But… have to stop him now… Mjalcom has almost… limitless powers…" he finished, then passed out.

spiffy looked around frantically for his teammates. Most were unconscious, but he managed to find Fin Fang Foom and Lisa. He motioned for Starseed to follow him, and joined them. "Lisa, we have to attack him physically, no more energy attacks. And quick, before Donar loses it."

Lisa glanced at Jarvis’ unconscious body, the tore her gaze away. "All right, let’s go. Finny, you’re the best equipped for this kind of thing." He smiled, flashing his claws. "You take point. Me and Starseed will try to help, but our powers are energy-based. Go." The dragon took to the air, a majestic sight to see.

Before Lisa could leave, spiffy asked, "What do I do?"

"You?" Lisa said, still looking straight ahead, "You take care of Jarvis."

"But…" She had already taken off. "Aw, crap. I need some powers," he said, resigned. He walked over to Jarvis and slapped him a couple of times. No response. Sighing, he sat down and watched the action.

Donar was obviously weakening, but FFF was approaching fast. At the last minute, Donar saw what was happening and increased his struggles. This distracted evil spiffy from the action behind him. That was a mistake. The dragon came into range, grinned, and slashed evil spiffy’s back with his claws. The villain gave a scream of anguish, but didn’t release Mjalcom. Fin Fang Foom frowned, and prepared to slash again. He didn’t get the chance. An instant later, he, along with Lisa and Starseed, were propelled to the south until they vanished.

"Ohhhh man…" spiffy groaned, looking around for something to fight with. The battle was taking place several feet in the air, and he had no way of getting up there. All of his teammates except Cheryl and DK were unconscious, and the Knight was in too much pain to help. It was up to him. But he couldn’t do a thing. Frustrated, he kicked a rock. Then he realised that rocks could be weapons. He picked up a fair-sized one and hucked it at his nemesis. It caught him square in the chest, forming another cut. By this time, evil spiffy’s body was practically gushing the green substance. He was obviously in a good deal of pain, but he wouldn’t give up the pick. spiffy repeated his action, again and again, causing more and more cuts on evil spiffy’s body, but to no avail. Nothing worked.

Donar was weaker than he’d ever been before, but his warrior spirit forced him to continue battle. He pummeled evil spiffy with blow after blow, but each was weaker than the last. Finally he realised that he couldn’t win, but that he could still do something. With the last of his strength, he wrenched Mjalcom from his foe’s hands, tore off the ‘Property of Donar’ sticker, and hurled it with all his might southwards. He then dropped to the ground, limp, and slammed into a pile of rocks. spiffy thought he heard something like "Donar-sense… tingling…" but he disregarded it as the wind.

Donar's last act had been helpful. Evil spiffy no longer had a source of energy. spiffy used this advantage by throwing more rocks. This served to piss his enemy off.

"You! Fake spiffy! Die now!" he screamed, hurling energy at spiffy's diminutive form. spiffy leapt out of the way with a move that would make the Dark Knight proud. Unfortunately, he hadn't gauged the distance between himself and the nearest wall properly. He slammed into it, face-first, and slid to the ground.

"Ow," he said, struggling for consciousness. Through blurred eyes he could make out a figure floating in the air nearby, coming closer. It seemed to be raising its arms and a ball of light formed. spiffy realised with his barely-functioning brain that it must be evil spiffy preparing for the final blow. But then, barely perceptible, was a sound, a bang. Evil spiffy lurched, the energy failing. He tried to turn and face his attacker, but then clutched his chest and fell to the ground.

"I'm… a… fern…" was the last thing spiffy heard before losing consciousness.

To the casual observer, the place was a warzone. To the experienced observer… it was the same. A massive crater was surrounded with thousands upon thousands of rocks and debris, in various shapes and sizes. Near the center lay a good many bodies, only one of them standing. This one was unfamiliar. Time passed, and eventually some of them started to stir. The first to recover was Banjooooo, king of sea monkeys. He stood up, letting pebbles and dust fall from his head, looked around, and promptly passed out again. The next to recover was Jarvis. He staggered up, weak from his imprisonment and the recent battle. Though he hadn’t actually done anything in the battle… but it took a lot out of him anyway. Looking around with blurred eyes, he could make out a figure standing near the edge of the wreckage. He rubbed his eyes and looked again. It was a man holding a smoking shotgun.

"H… hello?" he cried weakly. The man turned, startled, and raised his gun, but upon seeing Jarvis’ state, he lowered it. "Howdy thar, stranger," he said, "What gone an’ happened here?" "Ugh… evil spiffy… kidnap… me, attack… we were losing…" Jarvis paused, seeing the perplexed look the man was giving him. "There was a battle… Lair Legion…" "Argh, that gone an’ explained it!" the man exclaimed cheerfully, but then his face fell, "Ma house got busted."

"Sorry…"

"Nah, ‘salright… I be needin’ a new one anyway. Oh, ah’m Frank. I live ‘round these parts. Pard’n ma manners, don’t git all that many vis’ters ‘round here."

"Okay… you see what… happened? At the end?"

"Ar, I did! The little floatin’ feller was coming down at the little scrawny cowerin’ feller, an’ he din’t look like he were gonna be pleasant. So ah figger’d, why not just shoot the fella? So ah did. Ah hope ah did y’all a service, but ah’d better be goin’. Gotta make meself a new house, an’ all," he shook Jarvis’ hand, turned around, and walked away. Jarvis just looked at his back, then his eyes rolled up, and he fell to the ground with a thud.

Miles distant, Fin Fang Foom rose to his feet. "Whoa…" he moaned, "What hit me?" He looked down, where Lisa was lying, unconscious, but not too badly hurt. He looked around groggily, and saw some kind of flying object coming from the north. He squinted, and recognized it as Mjalcom seconds before it clocked him in the jaw.

(Okay, the point of this was to show that we were NOT in good shape after the fight, and to explain how we won. It does make sense, believe it or not. He’s vulnerable to physical assaults... as illustrated when Donar and Finny were ripping at him... so a bullet could take him down. Just like Thor!)