TITLE: Foom’s Wedding: Part 1
AUTHOR:
Chronicler of StoriesDATE:
Sunday, 15-Nov-98 19:03:27
The Lair Legion gathered together to mark a momentous occassion in the life of one of its members. Everyone was there at the ceremony, even Zemo’s group of disgruntled miscreants . . . And Visionary even got the night off from Monitor Duty.
Visionary: Now, if I can just keep away from Lisa and Jarvis long enough to enjoy the festivities . . .
Pegasus: Y’know, if Foomy heard you say that, he’d beat the crap out of you.
Yo: Yo being is unconcerned with wrath of shape-shifting wanna-be Godzilla. Yo being want fine wine and golf club with which to assault mime who slaughtered my poor, poor bunnies.
(Yo wanders off, weeping and incoherent. Lisa . . . administers . . . to him.)
Donar approaches Visionary.
Donar: Forsooth, comrade, is it not time for the fine ale I see yonder?
Visionary: Dammit all to hell, man, the wedding hasn’t even started yet. Where’s Foom? Where’s Shaper? Where’s Cheryl? And didn’t the Chronicler have the ring?
spiffy wanders in.
spiffy: Um, the cops just hauled in Space Ghost AGAIN for indecent exposure. This means I have to play the piano. ME. I SUCK at playing the piano.
Tina walks in.
TINA: Don’t feel bad. You didn’t have to drive here in NTU’s . . . vehicle. . .
NTU: Hey, it only broke down four times. And it coasted down the hill nicely the last time. Shame about that Volkswagon, though . . .
Visionary: * said with a strangely calm/dangerous tone* Volkswagon? Would this particular Volkswagon happen to have had a San Francisco 49-ers insignia on its hood?
NTU: . . .
Visionary: I suggest you go find out. IMMEDIATELY.
Donar: Methinks I shall go consult with the Oracle on such matters.
Visionary: Uh, we don’t HAVE an Oracle in the BZL.
Donar: Gadzooks, man, the Chronicler knoweth what shall happen in next week’s lottery. E’en a warrior born hath need of petty cash for wild, ritualized orgies of ale and highly scrupled women.
Donar stalks off.
Visionary: This night is NEVER going to end . . .
Jarvis walks by.
Jarvis: Good . . . Yo’s not here, meaning my mind won’t go through some kind of paradoxical babble about how he/she/it missses her/his/its bunnies and how Yo’s genderless. Or something.
Visionary: . . .
Jarvis: Silence, fool, lest I have you working Monitor Duty again.
Visionary: Sorry, sir, won’t happen again . . . won’t hear a word from ME. No, sir . . .
Jarvis: I’m going to KILL Foom . . . but, then, I notice the Chronicler’s not too happy, what with Donar babbling at him and all those crazed fans of the Chronicler’s poetry hanging around him like buzzards on carrion.
Visionary: THAT was disturbing . . . reading "Sandman" again?
Jarvis: Lisa said something about wanting me to "expand my horizons", so I thought I’d explore dreams. I thought, what the hell . . . at the very least, I’ll get to read about eternal beings ripping the eyes out of humans.
Visionary: Sometimes, I wonder about you and Lisa . . . I think you deserve each other.
Jarvis: Thank you. Now then, WHERE THE HELL’S FOOM?
A voice cleared behind them.
Zemo: I’d like to know that myself. As much as I respect him, I’m going to beat the hell out of him for making me dress up in such a ridiculous fashion.
Lisa joined them.
Lisa: But, my dear Zemo, how else would one dress up for a wedding?
Jarvis: You’re just jealous that you and he never got married.
Lisa: You KNOW you’re the only one for me, Jarvikins . . .
Zemo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! IDON’TWANNAKNOWIDON’TWANNAKNOWIDON’TWANNAKNOW
Zemo went into his Happy Place.
Visionary: That’s it, I’m looking for Cheryl.
Visionary turned the corner, saw Cheryl talking to Jamie, who looked lovely in her wedding gown, and decided instead to go in search of Foom.
Visionary: God, the LAST thing I need is wedding flashbacks.
A voice yelled out: STOP!!!!!!!!
Visionary turned.
The Chronicler raced past him, grabbing him by the necktie and dragging him into a broom closet.
Chronicler: As much as I love literature, DEAR LORD, do I hate it when people hound me for information. Like I’d use my knowledge for something so petty as to reveal the numbers for next week’s PowerBall, anyway.
Visionary: I’ll give you twenty bucks and get those girls off your back if you tell me what they are.
Chronicler: I have no physical form any longer, so the females are of no concern.
Visionary: Dammit . . .So, why the hell did you drag me in here anyway?
Chronicler: You looked bored, this story needs drama, and I needed to clear my head of all those . . . distractions . . .And what’s gotten into Yo?
Visionary: Dead bunnies.
Chronicler opened the door, to find Shaper staring at the two of them.
Shaper: I feel the same way.
Visionary: Wanna go hit the pub? This sucks.
Shaper: Chronicler and I are cosmic beings. We have no place in pubs; but, man, I feel more safe there than in a wedding. Too bad for Foomy; I thought he’d have more sense than that.
TITLE: Foom’s Wedding: Part 2
AUTHOR:
Shaper of WorldsDATE:
Sunday, 15-Nov-98 19:16:28
On the other side of the universe, The Shaper of Worlds and The Chronicler of Stories were contemplating things incomprehensible to mere mortal minds. They also watched the antics of their M-bodies which were skulking around Foom’s wedding.
"White or wheat?" Chronicler said.
"Why do hot dog buns come in packs of eight while hot dogs come in packs of eight?" Shaper asked.
"What is the source of Lisa’s sexual libido?"
"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?"
"42." The Chronicler said.
The Shaper and The Chronicler devoted little attention to the happenings of the party, deeming it unworthy of special notice.
TITLE: Foom’s Wedding: Part 3
AUTHOR:
VisionaryDATE:
Monday, 16-Nov-98 12:26:02
"You look positively stunning, dear" Cheryl complimented Jamie warmly while helping her rearrange her veil.
"What does it matter?" Jamie said with a sigh. "He’s not going to show up, is he?"
"Of course he will" Cheryl reassured her. "Visionary was so nervous, he nearly forgot his own name, let alone the location of the church. Foomy’s just having wedding day jitters, that’s all."
"He’s fought countless battles with the entire universe on the line!"
Jamie protested. "Why would he be scared of this?"
"Standing up in front of everyone he knows and professing his deepest feelings to the woman who makes his knees turn to jelly?" Cheryl said with a chuckle. "Most men would rather see the universe collapse—but he’ll come anyway, like a moth to a flame."
"Why?" Jamie asked curiously.
"Because dear" Cheryl said with a wink, "deep down they know that, without us, they’re existences are rather pointless. That’s why it’s so nice of us to do them these little favors."
"I got him a toaster." The Shaper of Worlds answered. "How ‘bout you?"
"Toaster. But mine self-lowers" The Chronicler of Stories replied. He looked at Visionary. "What about you?"
Visionary sighed. "Er... a place setting from Mikasa." He withered under their combined looks of contempt. "Hey, I wanted to get them a football helmet chip-and-dip set, but Cheryl wouldn’t let me!"
Just then the door of the broom closet opened and an usher looked in on them. "Oh, good, I was afraid the janitorial staff had left for the day." he said. "I need you to go outside and hose down the sidewalk—someone was violently ill."
"Hey!" the tuxedo clad Visionary cried indignantly . "Do I look like a janitor?"
"Quiet, fool!" The Chronicler hissed. "This may be our ticket out of here!"
"Aren’t you best man?" The Shaper asked him.
"Yeah, but I know Foomy." he answered. "This wedding has about as much chance of happening as Visionary has of joining MENSA."
"Huh?" Visionary asked.
"He said ‘Grab a mop, Einstien’," The Shaper answered. "We’re making a run for it."
TITLE: Foom’s Wedding: Part 4
AUTHOR:
YoDATE:
Tuesday, 17-Nov-98 08:09:13
Yo: Ummm, Why does FFF want to get married?. Jamie is already his friend… I just don’t understand it.
Visionary: Ha!. Sometimes is the only way to…
Cheryl: Yes, dear. The only way to WHAT?
Visionary: To Be Completely Happy With The Only Person Who Can Make You Feel Totally Good.
Cheryl: Better. And now if this Dragon doesn’t come at this very moment, a very distraught women in white is going to kill someone.
Baron Zemo: Agggh. I hate tuxedos…I’m going to kill someone too.
Spiffy: Hey!. At least you haven’t to play the piano.
Banjooooo: Ha, ha. Spiffy you are a looser. Bhawahhhhh.
Spiffy: Repeat it if you dare… King of the fish.
Lisa: Boys, boys, in this so sad…umm, that,.. happy day all have to go nice.
Tina: *sigh* Even whit something so natural like a weeding and with this NTU friends I feel that everything is going to go wrong…
NTU-150: Don’t worry Tina. If something happen, here is your hero to save the day.
Space Ghost: Hahaha. Then she’s going to be in danger for sure.
Jarvis: I thought you were in prison…
Space Ghost: Umm, yes. I remember something about that. WHERE’S THE HELL DRINK?!.
TITLE: Foom’s Wedding: Part 5
AUTHOR:
Baron ZemoDATE:
Wednesday, 18-Nov-98 15:52:37
Zemo: When the HELL is this wedding going to start?!
minister: You dare sware in a church?
Zemo: Swears eh? You ain’t seen nothing yet...
Zemo then spats out a long list of unholy things at the minister. The minister clutches his chest for a moment then drops dead to the ground.
Zemo: Kiss the bride and lets get out of here! This tuxedo is embaressing me. Don’t you know you that black doesn’t match with purple?
FFF: You idiot! Now no one can perform the ceremony!
Zemo: I can do it. As leader of the Parodyverse I have fool authority to...
FFF: Never mind!
TITLE: Foom’s Wedding: Part 6
AUTHOR:
spiffyDATE:
Wednesday, 18-Nov-98 18:22:50
FFF: Great. Thanks a lot, Zemo, I finally get here and you waste the minister. Why’d you do that?
Zemo: He was looking at Lisa...
Banjooo: Why’re you so late?
FFF: Ran out of gas, so I used my EasyPay™ tag to get some. Then I went to the wrong church... but I’m here now! Jami, honey, let’s get married.
Jami: (looking up from a pile of cheese puffs) Yeah, whatever.
FFF: Let’s get on with this... wait a second... who’s gonna be the minister?
Everyone looked around, finally setting their eyes on spiffy.
spiffy: What? No way, I’m already the piano player. I’m NOT gonna be the minister too.
FFF: Did I mention how much this means to me? (growing to about twice spiffy’s size)
spiffy: Uh... did I mention that I really, really have to go to the washroom?
FFF: Excuses...
Lisa: Banjooo... you’re looking very nice...
Banjooo: Someone help...
Minutes later, the ceremony had started.
spiffy: So... uh... line.
Cheryl: We are all gathered here today...
spiffy: Why can’t you be the minister? You know what to say. And now there’s no pianist.
Cheryl: Just get to the "do you accept" part.
spiffy: Ooookay...
Voice from the back of the room: Stop! This must not happen!
Everyone whirled around to find... Liv Tyler!
Liv: You can’t marry Finny, lady! I love him!
Jami: Yeah? Well he’s mine!
Liv: Wanna take this outside?
FFF: Ladies, please. There’s enough of me to go around...
Lisa: Can I have some?
FFF: No.
Another voice: Wait!
Everyone whirled around to find... Ernie.
Ernie: I love Finny! Let me have him! It’s good to share...
Banjooo: So he IS gay... where’s Bert?
NTU: Remember that bump on the bus ride here...?
Banjooo: Ooooh...
Liv: He’s mine!
Jami: Mine!
Ernie: Mine!
Lisa: Mi... oh, hi Jarvikins.
spiffy: People, please! You cannot disrupt my service like this! I’m trying to do my job! What do you all see in Finny anyways? He’s a big, slimey lizard.
FFF: I’m not THAT slimey...
Liv: He’s right...
Jami: He’s kinda cute, though...
Liv: What was your name again?
spiffy: spiffy...
Liv: Want to take us back to your place?
spiffy: I’m underaged... hell with it, let’s go!
So spiffy left with Jami and Liv, leaving Finny with Ernie.
FFF: What happened? No...
Ernie: I still love you.
The end