Prelude to the Trial, by The Man Who Wasn't There
 

        When in spiffyland do as the spiffylanders do...

      spiffy: "HAHAHAHA, I have the perfect scheme to destroy Jarvis..."

      *he tells it to his enslaved sycophants*

      Batroc Ze Leaper: "Zut alors, it is...magnifeec!"

      Cyclone: "It is ze best!"

      Murmur: "spiffy, you are ze man!!!!!"

      Northstar: "Huhnhuhnhuhn! Zat is e nice potted plant you have there, mon ami!"

      Aurora: "Mon Dieu! Ze has done it!"

      Gambit: "Of course, chere, he's spiffy."

      Mortimer Toynbee: "Ribbit!"

      *Meanwhile, a country away...*

      Zemo: "Bah! If spiffy can remake France in his image, then I will rule Germany!"

      *Calls a mysterious figure, who shows up on his viewscreen*

      Zemo: "How would like to extend your rule?"

      Mysterious Figure: "Indeed, Zemo, indeed."

      *Meanwhile, the malicious spiffy puts his dastardly into action...
 

      spiffy: This is excellent... Jarvis, without his powers, can't possibly stand against the power of... those delicious fruit
      bars! They've foiled villains more times than I can count, and yet they've never been used on the heroes. I can see it
      now... Jarvis battling an evil menace, but suddenly, the fruit bars appear! He abandons the battle, letting his allies die
      and the battle be lost, all for the magnificent fruity flavour! Heh heh heh... Batroc? What do you want?

      Batroc the Leaper: zpiffy, ze man named Jarvees haz been eempreesoned for murder. Your plan cannot vork. I am
      zorry.

      spiffy: Sorry? SORRY? Get out of my sight, Batroc! No, better yet, go lock yourself up in the dungeon! And don't
      feed yourself! Ha, that'll show you!

      Batroc: Yessir... lazy dictator... can't even take the time to punish his own servant...

      spiffy: Hm... this is an unexpected turn of events... I should tell the master...

      spiffy quickly leaves France... ahem... spiffyland... for an unknown location. A dark, menacing figure awaits him.

      spiffy: Master... Jarvis is on trial for murder... Should we testify against him?

      Dark Menacing Figure: Certainly not! We have need of him, fool! And what's this I've been hearing about... spiffyland?

      spiffy: Ah... spiffyland... I don't know what you're talking about! Heh heh...

      DMF: Give France back, worm.

      spiffy: But Master...

      DMF: Give it back!

      spiffy: Yes, Master.

      DMF: Now, I must prepare for the trial... but shall I save Jarvis... or condemn him?
 

      I didn't know how things could go so horribly wrong in such a short time.They came to the Lair just after I told
      Banjooo to change the quins' diapers.Apparently a dead body had washed up on shore with residual traces of the
      JarvisCosmic on it.I was innocent,of course,but they didn't know that,and it would be hard to prove it with all evidence
      pointing towards me.I knew who the culprit was,of course,but I also knew that the scheming,malevolent dictator of
      what once was France and yet has now been renamed spiffyland would never come forward.As I sat in the jail
      cell,anxiously awaiting the beginning of my trial,I knew that only my friends could save me now.They would have to
      give convincing testimonies,that was true,but there should be no problem,as i am a man of outstanding moral
      character....sometimes.At that moment,Lisa walked up to my cell,briefcase and files in hand,and the guard unlocked
      the door to my cell."Jarvis,"she said"It's time..."
 

      2BCONTINUEDBYU!
 

      Visionary watched as Lisa lead Jarvis from his cell, and proceded down the corridor towards him. He had taken a job
      as a janitor so he could be in this parody and perhaps offer some words of encouragement to Jarvis. He made some
      pretense of sweeping the floor with his push broom. As Jarvis approached, he looked up.

      "Good Luck in there. I'm sure everything will turn out alright." Visionary said comfortingly.

      "What?" Jarvis looked up, seeing him for the first time. "Oh that reminds me, the toilet in my cell is clogged up." he said
      in passing. "You'll probably need a mop."

      "Uhhhh, right...." Visionary said as they walked past him and through the door at the end of the hall. He looked around.
      "You know," he mumbled bitterly to himself, "I gotta get an agent."
 

      The courtroom seemed to be dark. It had been to Jarvis anyways. Especially since not his greatest enemy was going to
      testify.

      police guy: swear to tell the whole truth and all that crap?

      Zemo: OHHHHH!!!! Oh, all right.

      prosecuter: Mr. Zemo...

      Zemo: Baron Zemo.

      prosecuter: Mr. Zemo, what is your problem with Jarvis?

      Jarvis: This will take a while...

      Zemo: (an hour later) Thats it.

      prosecuter: So he blew up your castle with you in it and didn't look for your body?

      Zemo: Thats is correct.

      Prosecuter: How much mone was spent on repairs?

      Zemo: 10, 000, 000 dollars.

      proseuter: So he has physically, mentally, and financially harmed you?

      Zemo: That is correct. I hope he rots in jail. Or the death penalty.

      prosecuter: I rest my case. Now jury. After the evidence the Baron just showed us, the pictures, the lie detector, does
      Jarvis look like a normal man? After all the damage he did to Zemo don't you think he would kill somebody?

      The jury nodds.

      Zemo: Ha ha ha. Good.
 

      LISA TAKES THE STAND:

      Hi, everybody, my name is Lisa * giggle* and I'm a scorpio. My likes include cute, fuzzy animals, moonlit walks on the
      beach and fresh batteries.
      The night in question? Well, Jarvie and I were relaxing in the jacuzzi that evening, as we do every evening. We were in
      the middle of testing one of my newest elecrical "appliances," ya know, just to see if it really was waterproof like the
      package said, when suddenly we heard this agonizing yell.
      Jarvie, baby, I said, what was that horrible sound? Unfortunately, Jarvis, was, how shall we say, one toke over the line
      by then and could only splash around feebly and giggle. So, I just decided to ignore the noise and open a fresh can of
      Crisco, as I do every evening.
      So, you see, Jarvis couldn't have had anything to do with the murder; he was too damn stoned at the time.
      What is my relationship to the defendant? Why, he's my sweetie, pookie-bear and the father of one of my six children.
      No, I don't actually know which one. But I do know this: Jarvie would never even hurt a fly... an insane German
      nobleman perhaps, but never an innocent little insect.
      May I step down now, sir? I've got the munchies real bad...
 

      SPACE GHOST:hohum Huh??I'm testifying???GAAAHH!!! Judge Judy:uh-hah!!I'm the boss the
      boss,applesauce!!!!!!
      SPACE GHOST:Don't hurt me!!!
      Judge Judy:Then put some frickin pants on yer white ass or get out of my frickin courtroom!!!!!!!Frickin!!!!
      SPACE GHOST:Wha--I could've sworn I was wearing pants today..... Unless somebody stole them!!!
      Crowd:GASP!!!
      Judge Judy:this is ridiculou--HEY!!!ARE YOU EVER GOING TO PUT ANY PANTS ON????
      SPACE GHOST:But what I'm trying to say is that somebody stole my pants because they don't want me to testify!!!!!
      Judge Judy:Well were all happy that yer ass is showing and all but GET THE HELL OUT MY COURTROOM!!!
      SPACE GHOST:Yipes!!!(SG runs from the courtroom)
      Innocent bystander:But is there some kinda connection between the Jarvis situation and the SPACE GHOST
      situation????

      end of story.
 

      Jarvis:WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME,LISA?!Now they think I'm a drug addict!

      Lisa:Well,yes,but it'll destract them from the murder...

      Jarvis:How many years of law school did you go to,anyway...?

      Judge:Mr.,um,Vis,please sit down.

      Jarvis:Grrr....

      Judge:The witness is yours,Ms.Walters....

      She-Hulk:Thank you,your honor.Mizz Waltz,on the night in question,you say you opened up a fresh can of Crisco,is
      that correct?

      Lisa:Yes.

      She-Hulk:But that cannot be,can it,Lisa?Because everyone at Baron Zemo's Lair KNOWS you only use COOL
      WHIP,as shown in these pictures...

      *She-Hulk places several pictures on a blackboard for the jury to see.The jury twists and turns in there seats in
      disgust,although they are slightly aroused*

      She-Hulk:You disgust me,Ms.Waltz.

      Lisa:*leans over and whispers in the judge's ear*Call me...
 

      NTU-150 entered the courtroom. He had been called early because they were having trouble fitting FFF, who was
      supposed to testify before him, through the door.

      As the armored man approached the bench and vowed to tell the whole truth, his eyes met with those of Jarvis.
      NTU-150 was a bit shaken. Never before had he seen his friend, the seemingly invincible weilder of the JarvisCosmic,
      so tense and worried. But no one in the courtroom could sense NTU's uneasiness through his emotionless facade. With
      that, the testimony began...

      Prosecutor: What is your name and relation to the defendant?

      NTU-150: I am NTU-150. I am a member of the League of Regulars, residing at Regulars Mansion. I am Jarvis'
      teammate and friend.

      Prosecutor: MR.150, would you say that the defendant is a good and kind man?

      NTU-150: Without a doubt. When I mistakenly mistook Vision and Tomas for separate entities, Jarvis graciously
      saved me, a relative newcomer, from further embarrassment and danger. He also aided me in further id misadventures.
      He also included me in numerous parodies, and in the Leauge, thus helping me attain the acceptance and popularity I
      now experience at the AMB and BZL.

      Prosecutor: Hmm. It would seem that Mr. Jarvis is a very kind soul indeed. So would you say that he would never hurt
      a soul? That he would never use his power to destroy a life?

      NTU-150: Yes.

      Prosecutor: Could you kindly name the organization you know Mr. Jarvis is a member of, aside from the League of
      Regulars?

      NTU-150: What?

      Prosecutor: I'm sorry, is that thick helmet making you hard of hearing? I said, please name the other organization you
      know Jarvis is a member of.

      NTU-150: ....

      Prosecutor: Mr. 150, please answer the question.

      Judge: Answer the question, Mr. 150.

      NTU-150: *brief silence* ...The Anti-Wonder Man League.

      Prosecutor: The AWML! Now, do you honestly think that after joining a league whose sole purpose is the destruction
      and death of an individual, Mr. Jarvis is absolutely incapable of killing someone?

      NTU-150: But...

      Prosecutor: Do you really believe that if given the chance, Jarvis wouldn't use his vaunted Jarvis Cosmic to incinerate
      the being known as Wonderman?

      NTU-150: But no one knows if Wonderman really is dead...

      Prosecutor: That is beside the point. If Wonderman were really alive, do you belive that Jarvis would kill him? Do you?

      NTU-150: *worriedly looks at Jarvis*

      Prosecutor: You're being awfully quiet, Mr. 150. Let me repeat the question one last time...do you think Jarvis would
      kill Wonderman given the chance?

      NTU-150: ...I........yes.

      Prosecutor: No further questions, your honor.

      The defense tried to salvage what it could by asking NTU to name more of Jarvis' heroic deeds, but the damage had
      been done. The desire to kill an Avenger (or former Avenger) was a serious matter, especially to the jury present.
      NTU-150 stepped down slowly after being dismissed from the bench. As he walked down, he met Jarvis' sad stare
      once again. NTU-150 felt a shiver go down what was left of his organics. He was supposed to be a character witness,
      to help Jarvis' case. However, in the end, the prosecution had used him to dig his friend's grave even deeper. He had
      refused to lie, to sacrifice honesty. But would his honor mean Jarvis' doom? As NTU left the courtroom, he felt that this
      was the last day he would ever be able to look Jarvis in the eye ever again.

      The judge was unused to feeling her emotions.

      When the Knight spoke of all the timeless battles he'd seen Jarvis become involved in, even with horrendous risk to
      personal safety . . . a tear trickled down her cheek.

      The legendary stories of his kindness towards neophyte heroes touched her heart.

      When the Knight said that he'd trust Jarvis with the life of everyone important to him, she sniffled.

      But when the Knight offered his life for that of Jarvis, if need be, she secretly decided that she would do whatever it
      took to free the man.

      Besides . . .

      The judge decided, as she looked at the infamous Baron Zemo, that she really didn't know if she could trust everything
      he said. He had the look of a politician about him . . .

      The lights were resurrected . . . and the next witness came aboard.

      The Knight vanished.
 

      Things looked bleak for Jarvis. Everyone trying to help him had only made things worse. It seemed certain that he
      would be convicted for a crime he didn't commit. The prosecution was preparing for its next witness, while the defense
      desperately tried to think up new strategies. The tension was thick in the courtroom. The silence was broken by the
      prosecution.

      Lawyer-guy: Your Honour, I would like to call my next witness to the stand.

      Judge: Very well, continue.

      Lawyer-guy: I'd like to call...

      Suddenly, a noise louder than thunder interrupted the lawyer-guy. A flash of light, then complete darkness. Instants
      later, all was back to normal. Except for one thing. The witness stand had an occupant: spiffy.

      Judge: Excuse me, sir... how exactly did you get here? And would you kindly leave?

      spiffy: I'm sorry, your honour, I have business here.

      Lawyer-guy: I object! This is not proper! I'd like to call my witness...

      spiffy: Mr. Lawyer. I strongly suggest that you hear what I have to say.

      Lawyer-guy: I am terribly sorry, but you can't just barge in here wearing a fern on your head and expect everyone to
      listen to you! And aren't you the one that took over France? Evil dictators aren't welcome in court!

      spiffy: That was an unfortunate incident that was remedied, Mr. Lawyer. And now, you begin to annoy me. You will be
      silent for the duration of my stay.

      Everyone hushed, expecting a retort from the prosecution. When nothing came, they all turned to look at the lawyer.
      He wasn't there. There was instead a simple potted fern in his place.

      spiffy: Now, I trust that everyone is satisfied? I would like to begin my testimony.

      Judge: Er... very well, sir. Though this is not part of the procedure, this is not an ordinary case. Your testimony will be
      taken into account.

      spiffy: Thank you, your honour. Now, Ms. Walters, is it? Your client is accused of killing a man? With his so-called
      JarvisCosmic?

      She-Hulk: Ah... well... yes.

      spiffy: Has anyone in this courtroom seen any evidence of Mr. Jarvis having any powers whatsoever since the beginning
      of this trial?

      In the silence that followed, many shook their heads, indicating a negative response.

      spiffy: And I also have reason to believe that Mr. Jarvis has not had use of his powers for several weeks past. You
      may verify that as you will.

      There was continued silence. Jarvis was very perplexed, wondering why the traitorous spiffy would be defending him in
      such a manner.

      spiffy: And, as you have heard, Jarvis would protect innocents. I know very well that he is willing to take extreme
      measure against those who would destroy innocents. I also know that he bears ill-will against the one known as Simon
      Williams. But I think that no one will object to my statement that Jarvis would protect innocents with his very life. I also
      think that most of the assembled spectators and reporters in this courtroom would be considered innocents.

      Everyone was wondering what spiffy was building up to, but since the prosecution was in no position to argue, there
      were no complaints.

      spiffy: Therefore, if Jarvis did have his "JarvisCosmic" and were able to use it to kill a man, would he not try to prevent
      me from doing... this?

      Without another word, spiffy shot a massive energy bolt towards the back of the room. It narrowly missed Jarvis and
      the gathered lawyers, hitting instead the massive crowd behind them. As the flash of light faded, those who were left
      saw nothing but a pile of ash where the crowd had been.

      Judge: Sir, I must ask that you restore those people and leave the witness stand! I would also request that you restore
      the prosecution, immediately.

      spiffy shrugged and did as the judge had requested. The crowd and the prosecuting lawyer looked around in shock for
      a moment, and then...

      Lawyer-guy: All right, Mr. spiffy, that proves nothing. Why would Mr. Jarvis defend those people if he was a
      murderer? He would defend no one but himself!

      spiffy: Very well then.

      spiffy casually raised his right hand and disintegrated Jarvis.

      spiffy: Are you convinced? He didn't do a thing to defend himself. And now I must take my leave.

      In another blinding flash of light, spiffy was gone. A moment later, as if in an afterthought, Jarvis reappeared.

      "Speaking nonsense isn't going to help your friend, sparky!"

      Finny restated his name, and the judge pointed out that Fin Fang Foom was not nonsense, but a name.

      "How long have you known Jarvis, Finny?"

      "Ever since my early days on the AMB in the winter of '97."

      "I see. Has he been...violent since you've known him?"

      "We're superheroes, lawyer-guy. Violence comes along with tights and..."

      "That's enough. I don't want to hear the rest."

      "Um...okay."

      "Is Jarvis a friend of yours?"

      "Yup. Served with him in the LoR, where he was the leader, more or less."

      "So he had motivation to lead?"

      "Yes."

      "The same motivation necessary for murder?"

      "That's not--"

      "Yes or no, Mr. Foom"

      "I'm a 200-foot tall shapeshifting alien dragon. If you tick me off, or make Jarvis look bad, I'll do something so mean to
      you it'll make you wish you were locked in a closet with Michael Jackson instead."

      "No more questions, your honor."

      "Let the record show that Fin Fang Foom *flies away*.
 

      Jarvis's future was not looking bright. spiffy just flaunted his immense power during his testimony and Lisa basically
      made him out to be a druggie. The man known simply as Starseed took the stand. the questioning began...

      Lawyer: What is your relation to the defendant?

      Starseed: I guess I'd consider him...a friend. We're both members of the AWML. He's been a pretty nice guy, at least
      since I joined the AMB in February '98.

      Lawyer: The AWML. That keeps coming up. Would you consider Jarvis capable of murder?

      Starseed: From what I've seen of him, no.

      Lawyer: But he's a member of the AWML, an organization dedicated to the destruction of one Simon Williams.

      Starseed: That maybe so, but Williams is a murderer and a very bad man. To my knowledge, the victim is not.

      Lawyer: Have you ever seen Jarvis hurt anyone?

      Starseed: Well, he has beat up Zemo a couple of times, but who hasn't? Once he turned Jarvis into a baby Wonder
      Man, and the GAAAHHH!! League and I had to rescue him. At the end of our battle, we shot Zemo's unconscious
      body into space.

      Lawyer: So you yourself have been violent at times?

      Starseed: I'm not the one on trial here, counselor.

      Lawyer: Don't take that tone with me, Mr. Seed! For all I know, you could be an accomplice to this murder. You are
      both members of this "AWML"!

      Judge: That will be enough, counselor!

      Lawyer: No further questions, your honor.

      SPACE GHOST:Okay I'm ready to testify now.
      Judge Judy:Wha??Your'e wearing pants now???I'm just here to take pictures of your ass.
      SPACE GHOST:Go ahead.Shoot away.(Pulls down pants)
      Judge Judy:(reaches into purse to get camera,but Space Ghost zaps her with his spank ray)Urk!!
      SPACE GHOST:(Pulls on Judge's hair)That's not women that's a man baby!!!!!
      Judge Judy:(SG Still tugging on her hair)OoOW!!!!!!oof!!!GAAAH!!
      Lisa:What are you doing SG???That's a woman!!
      SPACE GHOST:Well if it is a woman she looks like she's been beaten with an ugly stick!!!!And I can't testify because
      there's no judge and I've got things to do and I don't feel like typing up another screwball Austin Powers parody
      baby,yeah!!!I'll testify tomorrow!!!C'mon Lisa let's shag baby!!!
      Lisa:Shag??Wha??
      SPace GHOST:Ugh!!Let's just eat lunch.I'll explain later.
      (Lisa and Space Ghost go out Dairy Queen to share a chocolate cookie dough blizzard as Austin,I mean Space
      Ghost,explains to Lisa what 'shag'is.)
 

      Jarvis:Things aren't exactly looking up,Lisa,especially after Starseed's testimony.What are we going to do?

      Lisa:*sigh*I don't know,Jarvis,I just don't know...

      Juror:The jury has reached a decision,your honor.

      Judge:Yes?

      Juror:We the jury,find the defendant,um,Jarvis---

      *suddenly,the Dark Knight crashes through the window of the courthouse*

      Dark Knight:HERE'S your culprit.

      *He throws Much Of Byrne on the floor*

      Jarvis:What?But how?

      Dark Knight:He used his namesake's retcon powers to kill an innocent man and leave traces of JarvisCosmic on his
      body.

      Judge:Is this true?

      M.O.B.:YES!YES!IT'S ALL TRUE!JUST KEEP THE BAD MAN AWAY FROM ME!

      *Jurors talk amongst themselves*

      Juror:Your honor,the jury has reached a new verdict.We,the jury,find the defendant,Jarvis,NOT GUILTY!

      *The AMBers cheer,all except for Baron Zemo anyway*

      *As NTU-150 sits at home watching the trial on TV,a tear rolls down his cheek*

      *later,outside the courthouse*

      Lisa:WE DID IT,JARVIS!WE WON!How do you want to celebrate?

      *Lisa and Jarvis give each other a come-hither look*

      Lisa:I'll get the Cool Whip!

      Jarvis:I'll get the chocolate sauce!
 

      And once again,all was right with the residents of Baron Zemo's Lair.Well,right for them,anyway.
 
 

      THE END