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The first Destructicon story. Monday, 06-Mar-2000 15:30:59
Millions of years ago, a war raged on the robotic planet of MicroChiprom. The evil Destructicons wanted to destroy the Gayobots, while the Gayobots in turn wanted to destroy the Destructicons.... Mastertron: YOU WILL DIE, PEACE LOVING GAYOBOTS!! Optimistic Sublime: WE DON'T LOVE PEACE!! WE LOVE MEN!! MEN WEARING.... Mastertron: SILENCE!! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE END OF THAT SENTENCE!! Mastertron shoots Optimistic Sublime with a laser bolt. Mastertron: I'VE WON!! I WILL NOW KILL YOU AND CONQUER THE PLANET!! Optimistic Sublime: No you won't... Mastertron: WHAT??!! YES I WILL!!! Optimistic Sublime: You don't REALLY want to conquer MicroChiprom…. Mastertron: I don't?! Optimistic Sublime: No, of course not!! You want to conquer the giant rock called Earth over there, remember? Mastertron: I do?! Optimistic Sublime: Yeah!! Mastertron: You're right!!! Earth must be mine!! Moonshriek!! Gather the Destructicons!! We are going to Earth!! Moonshriek: What?! But we almost won!! He's fooling with your mind, don't you realize that??!! Mastertron: Silence!! Your annoying as Hell voice is grating!! Now gather the Destructicons!! Moonshriek: Very well..... Mastertron: AND I DON'T HAVE A MIND, DAMMIT!! Mastertron and the rest of the Destructicons jump into a giant space ship and blast off for Earth, leaving MicroChiprom to the Gayobots.. Optimistic Sublime: Suckers....GAYOBOTS, REJOICE!! THE TYRINNICAL DESTRUCTOBOTS HAVE LEFT THE PLANET!! WE WILL NOW CELEBRATE BY GIVING ONE ANOTHER A.I.D.S!! Gayobots: YAAAAAAYYYY!!!!! In the Destructicon space ship..... Mastertron: ARE WE THERE YET, SMELLWAVE?? Smellwave: *in computer-like voice* Yes, Mastertron. Mastertron: Good.... Smellwave: As you command, Mastertron. Does not compute, does not compute.... Moonshriek: I should rule supreme!! Mastertron: No, never!! Moonshriek: WAAAHHHH!!! I WANT TO BE LEADER!!! Smellwave: Master Mastertron, we are approaching Earth.. Mastertron: GOOD!! Full speed ahead!! Smellwave: As you command. Does not compute, does not compute.... Smellwave accelerates the ship's speed. After entering Earth's atmosphere, the ship continues to go at full speed, which is pretty fast for a giant robot ship.... Mastertron: Uh...Smellwave? You can slow down now… Smellwave: Does not compute, does not compute…. The ship hurtles towards a mountain, still going at full speed.... Mastertron: YOU FOOL!! SLOW DOWN!! Moonshriek: I told you I should have been leader!! Mastertron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! The Destructicon ship crashes into a mountain where it is buried by boulders. The Destructicons are shut down from the shock of the impact. Millions of years later, one of the Destructicon’s bodies bumps into the ship’s revival device and activates it. The device activates Smellwave, who immediately sets to work reviving the other Destructicons… Smellwave: Does not compute, does not compute… Later… Mastertron: AH!! Much better!! Good work, Smellwave!! Smellwave: COMPUTE, COMPUTE…… Mastertron: Right….. Moonshriek: So what do we do now, oh great leader? Mastertron: NOW WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! DESTRUCTICONS, MUTATE!! The Destructicons mutate into machines and weapons and such and fly out of a hole in the side of the ship, only to crash into some boulders… Dazed Mastertron: Destructicons…..mutate back and destroy the boulders. Then mutate back so we can destroy the world…. Later….. Space Ghost: *looking out a window of the LL mansion* There’s never anything to watch on…..WOW!! HEY GUYS, LOOK!! THERE ARE A BUNCH OF GIANT ROBOTS FLYING IN THE SKY!! SEE??!! Space Ghost points at the passing Destructicons, but nobody turns to look. Lisa: That’s nice, Space Ghost….. Jarvis: Yeah, cool. *whispering* He drinks so much that he hallucinates…. Lisa: It’s sad, really…. An hour later, NTU flips on the TV and watches a news coverage of a bunch of giant robots destroying Parodiopolis…. NTU: WOW!! Look at the pretty robots that are ripping Parodiopolis to pieces!! They’re so cute!! HALLIE: You can say that again. I mean, at least you can… Lisa: What?! What robots?! Space Ghost: Those are the robots I saw flying by!! HELLO, PRETTY ROBOTS!!! Lisa: *sigh* We’d better get down there and check it out… At Parodiopolis… Moonshriek: *impaling, frying, then eating a hot dog vendor* YUM!! TASTY!! This is the easiest hostile takeover I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing!! Good work, Mastertron!! Mastertron: *incinerating a sky scraper* It is pretty fun, isn’t it? Building Wrecker: Kind of boring if you ask me…. Mastertron: NOBODY DID ASK YOU, FOOL!! Smellwave: All the smells are tedious. Does not compute, does not compute…. Hole Driller: SURE IT DOES!! The Lair Legion appears…. Moonshriek: Well look what we have here…. Donar: Still thy tongue, foul knave!! Elst Donar tis’ be forced to smite thee verily!! Moonshriek steps on Donar, reducing him to paste. Lisa: Well, there goes our "threaten and attack" plan…. Mastertron: Give it up!! There’s no way you can defeat us!! Space Ghost: And EXACTLY who are you, pretty robots??!! Mastertron: We are the Destructicons!!!! Androids want demise…. Hatman: DAMN!! I wanted to say that!! Mastertron: SILENCE!! What do you want, human??!! Space Ghost: Well, I was wondering…..nahh, forget it. You would never be able to deal with it… Mastertron: No, please!! Tell me!! What!! Deal with what?? I have to know!!!! Space Ghost: I don’t know…. Mastertron: Tell me or I’ll incinerate you where you stand!! Space Ghost: Okay, I’ll tell you. You claim to be big, strong, and unstoppable, right? Mastertron: Correct!! What are you getting at?.? Space Ghost: I have a bet for you. Mastertron: Hrrm….sounds interesting. Go on….. Space Ghost: I bet you can’t stand still right here until the year 2000. If you do, you can go about your business. If you can’t, you leave Earth. Deal? Mastertron: Ha!! Foolish human!! We’ve been sitting on our metallic asses for millions of years. A couple of months will go by in no time flat!! You’ve got yourself a deal!! Moonshriek: BUT MASTERTRON!! I don’t want to stand still for one year!! I’ve got a huge cramp and I….. Mastertron: Silence!! I will not lose to a drunken human!! This is the EASIEST thing I’ve ever had to do, and you won’t ruin it for me, FFFFFFFOOOOOOOLLLL!!!! Moonshriek:……..uh…are you done yet? Mastertron: I had my moment…. New Years Eve…. Dick Clark: Hello, and welcome to Dick Clark’s New Years Eve Party Special!! We’re here with stars like Brittany Spears, who is currently getting high on drugs, Puff Daddy, who just killed a reporter, and the Backstreet Boys, who have been ripped to shreds by Teenage Girls!! But our biggest attractions tonight are the delightful Destructicons, who have been partying here since October!! Now to….ooooooooooohhhhhh!!!! The giant disco ball is about to drop!! 10, 9, 8, 7, 5, 4, 2, 1, 3, 8, 16, 19, 20, 24343249899898, *a fan throws a brick at Clark’s head, bringing him back to his senses. However, it also brings his many face lifts down as well….* OOOONNNNNEEE!!!! Yaayyy!!! Happy New Year!! Should bla de blas be forgot and Hitler wets his pants, should globidy gooks be eaten, and I don’t know who I am……. Mastertron: *blowing on one of those noise things* HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Space Ghost: *chugging down a beer* Happy Dick Clark Day!! Mastertron: *throwing down his giant party hat and a noise maker* So what do you have to say for yourself, human?? We won the bet fair and square, standing here until 2000 like you said!! Now that we did that, it’s time you kept your promise and let us……SSQQQQUUUAAARRRRKKKK!!! Mastertron and the rest of the Destructicons are surrounded by currents of electricity. Circuits fry and the Destructicons malfunction, causing their charred bodies to fall to the ground and to crash into buildings. *Moonshriek’s body crushes a screaming Dick Clark.* Lisa:……what just happened? Would someone mind telling me? Hatman: Yeah!! What did you do to them, Space Ghost?! Space Ghost: Wha?! Oh, that. It’s simple. I tricked the Destructicons into waiting until 2000 came. Then the millenium bug would kick in and kill them all before they could conquer the world!! NTU:….Wow. Do you know what you just said? You just told us about a brilliant scheme involving Y2K!! Lisa: How the Hell did you know about the 2000 Virus, Space Ghost? No offense, but you are kind of….well….how should I say this? Stupid. Space Ghost: *looking shamefully down at his feet* I have a confession. One minute out of the day I am not drunk. During that minute I sop up all the information I can before my mind fogs over again. During one of these sprees I came across the Y2K thing, so I figured I could use it against the Destructicons, seeing as they’re made out of metal and such. I guess I was right. NTU: That’s just sad….. Space Ghost: I know….wait a minute!! If the Destructicons weren’t real and were wiped out by Y2K, does that mean Vizh…? The Legionnaires turn around and look at where Vizh was standing. All that is left of him is a pile of melted, smoking plastic flesh that is draped across wires, circuitry, and other pieces of metal. NTU: I guess so… Lisa: Well I’ll be damned!! He is fake!! Isn’t that amazing Cheryl? Cheryl: Yeah…..amazing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drink heavily now….. *Cheryl walks away, muttering obscene remarks about Vizh…* Cheryl: *lousystinkinjackassnevertoldmehewasfake.Ishouldhavelistenedtomomandmarriedthatwealthybankerbutnooo!!!Ihadtostickwithfakeman!!* Lisa: *sigh* Well, we stopped the Destructicons from taking over the planet and unraveled the mystery of Vizh. Now what do we do? NTU: Go home? Lisa: Sounds good… Before the Legionnaires can leave, Space Ghost jumps in front of them. Space Ghost: Are you guys insane?? What’s the matter with you?? It’s New Years Eve!! Lisa: So? Space Ghost: So this is the one night of the year where you can drink heavily and get high on drugs!! Lisa: How is that different from any other night? Space Ghost: Uh…well…..PARTY!!! Everybody: YEAH!! And with that, the Legionnaires run into the crowd of people and drink heavily, get high and drugs, and have a…uh…um….well…..good time. Yeah, that’s right. Good time. And that’s the end of our little story. Wha?? Didn’t you hear me?? I said the story’s over!! GET OUT!! GET OUT NOW BEFORE I HAVE TO KILL YOU!! Heh…*ahem*…I really need to cut back on the caffeine… DK: Hey!! That’s my line!! You can’t use it without my permission!! Hey!! Where are you going?? Come back!! I said come back!! Don’t leave MMMEEEE!!! I’M LOOONNNNEEELLLLLYYY!!! HEEELLLPPP MEEEE!!!!! The End. *for real* Baron Zemo |
| The twisted works of Baron Zemo. (Baron Zemo) (06-Mar-2000 14:29:11) |
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