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Visionary and Bernie 'Do Lunch' Sunday, 05-Mar-2000 21:21:49
To set the scene, this was early in the board's history. Zemo had just started a 'Titanic' parody, and Starseed had announced his plans for one as well. Jarvis had started an organized round robin about his character being tried for a murder. I was a nobody as far as the board was concerned, and I was trying to scrape my way into any story I could. Ultimately, I figured what I needed to get noticed at the BZL was an agent... (note: Parts one and two are lost forever) Part one: Visionary’s big scene Part two: Visionary gets an agent Part Three: Visionary and Bernie “Do lunch” “Ah, there you are, babe. Look, I gotta run these contracts right on over to the production studio, so I just have time to get your signature...” Bernie said as rapidly as humanly possible. “I ordered you some crab puffs. You like crab puffs, don’t you? You just stay and have lunch and I’ll close the deal...” “Well, wait a minute,” Visionary said hesitantly, “shouldn’t I know more about the project, first?” His agent’s speedy delivery had unnerved him slightly, so much so that he forgot to mention that he was, in fact, allergic to crab puffs. “What’s to know? Like I told you before, you play Boiler Operator #4 and Floating Dead Guy #207... That is, IF I get these contracts in on time...” “Well...uh, who’s the director?” He asked as he finally remembered to sit down. “What’s the title?” “Hmmm? Oh...” Bernie flipped through some papers. “It’s by a fabulously talented man by the name of Starseed.” “And the title...?” Visionary prodded. He tapped his lip thoughtfully. “It’s German... something like ‘Hidleburg’ or ‘Hindenbog’ or some-such-thing.” A look of panic crossed Visionary’s face. “Was it... The Hindenburg?” he asked mildly. “Yeah, sure, that’s it. Now sign here... here... initial here...” “But... but... the Hindenburg was an AIRship...” “Hmmm? So? A ship is a ship...” Bernie said quickly. “A ship is not a ship!” Visionary’s voice was rising. “This ship was a FREAKIN’ BLIMP!!!” he yelled, drawing a great deal of attention from the other diners. “So? What, are you too good to play a Boiler Operator on a blimp?” “IT WAS A NAZI ZEPPELIN FILLED WITH HYDROGEN GAS YOU MORON!!!!! THERE *WERE* NO BOILERS ON IT!!!!!!” Visionary screamed. “I’ll have to look into that...” Bernie said quickly, “But even so, you still play Floating Dead Guy #207...” “Well, that would be great consolation...” Visionary said darkly, “If the damn thing hadn’t BLOWN UP OVER LAND!!!!!!” “Listen, don’t worry baby...” Bernie said smoothly, “We can iron out any kinks in the script after we get these contracts signed...” Visionary bent to look closely at the papers before him. “Wait a minute, what does this small print above the ‘sign here’ part say...?” “Oh, that? Nothing important...” Bernie said nervously. “I, Visionary, do hereby declare my guilt in the following crimes...” Visionary read in a shocked voice. “What the hell?! This is a confession!” “Well, you see... that is...” Bernie squirmed. “Aw, crap...” He said in a surprisingly feminine voice. “I suppose the jig is up...” With that he grabbed ahold of a fold of skin on his neck and pulled. Bernie’s face peeled away to reveal the sweaty features of Lisa. “It’s just as well” she said, “You have no idea how hot that damn thing is...” Visionary starred at her with his mouth agape. “You know,” she said sweetly, “If you would just sign those papers you’d be doing Jarvis and me a big favor.” She leaned forward across the table. “He’s really innocent, you know” she whispered. Visionary had regained his powers of speech. “No I won’t sign it!” he said indignantly, “I’m innocent too!” “There you go again,” she said angrily. “Always thinking about yourself! You know, that’s so like you.” She raised her voice so that it carried across the crowded restaurant. “Because you’re not more giving in bed, you were never able to bring me to orgasm.” she said matter-of-factly. “Wha....?” the confused Visionary sputtered, looking around. All conversation in the restaurant had stopped as everyone turned to look at him. “I’ve never brought you to orgasm because WE’VE NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER!!!!!!” He gave a passing busboy a slightly paniced look. “Really! I swear!” “Oh, sure, *I* know that and *you* know that...” she said in a quiet voice as she pulled out her cell phone, “but does your *wife* know that?” She held out the contracts and a pen invitingly. “Aaaaaaughhh!!!!!!!” Visionary screamed and, knocking over his chair in his haste, fled sobbing from the evil lawyer. Lisa sighed and pursed her lips as the waiter delivered a tray of crab puffs. She looked up at him and a slow smile spread across her face. It *was* her duty to defend her client to the best of her abilities, after all. “You know,” she purred “you’re far too handsome to be just a waiter.” The young man puffed himself up. “Actually” he said in his most suave voice, “I’m an actor. I just wait tables to help pay the bills.” “You don’t say!” she said, trying to sound impressed. “Tell me, have you ever heard of the Hindenburg?” “The what?” She flashed him her most seductive smile and patted the chair next to her. “I think we should talk.” she purred. “Do you like crab puffs....?” From September of '98 |
| It's Visionary's last night here, and all he has are these lousy reposts... (Visionary) (05-Mar-2000 21:13:16) |
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