Thursday, 26-Aug-1999 19:45:16
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63.14.32.170 writes:
“What the hell is a Furby?” Visionary asked warily.
“It’s an interactive toy!” The saleswoman said, holding up the hairball in question. “It’s the hottest thing this year, simply every child wants one. Isn’t it cute?”
“Not really” Visionary observed. He momentarily considered getting it for NTU, since it really resembled that critter from ‘Gremlins’. He thought it might be nice for the hapless inventor to have something to blame his next lab explosion on. “What do you think?” he asked Fleabot, who was sitting on his shoulder.
“You’re kidding, right?” Fleabot responded critically.
““Does it eat little kid’s hair, like those mechanical Cabbage Patch Kids from last year?” Visionary asked the saleswoman hopefully.
“Good heavens, no!” she responded.
“Ah” Visionary said disappointedly. “So it has no real offensive capabilities?”
“It’s a toy” she said, as if that were an excuse.
“Not much of one, apparently.” Visionary said with disdain. He sighed. That was the problem with shopping in the more mundane parts of Parodiopolis-- people here were so *odd*. They never seemed ready to embrace the mayhem that was part of a BZLer’s daily routine. Still, they had quite a selection for the holidays, and Visionary was getting desperate to finish his holiday shopping, seeing how it was Christmas Eve. “So who do we still have to buy for?” he asked Fleabot.
“YOU still have to buy for NTU and Yo” Fleabot reminded him. “I did all my shopping back in August.” he said smugly.
“You weren’t even around back in August!” Visionary pointed out indignantly.
“Yo taught me that time-travel trick he does” The micro robot answered.
Visionary was shocked. “You’d mess with the space-time continuum just to get a jump on the holidays?”
“It was perfectly safe” Fleabot reassured him. “See, when you make the jump backwards, you splinter actual reality off into an alternate reality, because events are being observed that weren’t observed in your original timeline. Much as Schrodinger hypothesized...”
“Ugh... enough!” Visionary pleaded, threading his way through the other desperate holiday shoppers. “You’re giving me a headache again.”
“Temporal Quantum Physics does not cause headaches” Fleabot insisted. “More likely, your symptoms are psychosomatic. Either that, or you’re just drinking your Orange Julius too quickly.”
“Whatever. Now where’s Radio Shack?” Visionary tried to get his bearings, but was nearly crushed by a throng of happy children. Happy children, (all children, actually) gave Visionary the willies. Ever since that baby-sitting episode for Lisa...
He found the cause for the sudden child infestation. They were standing just outside the atrium where the mall’s ‘Santa’ was taking the kids’ present requests. There was, Visionary noted, something odd about this Santa.
“Hast thou been a most agreeable whelp this year?” Santa asked in a familiar accent.
A rather cheerful, androgynous elf leaned over and whispered something in the child’s ear.
“Verily, Santa!” the kid replied on cue. “But my sister hasn’t! She broke my Optimus Primal!”
Santa nodded gravely. “Tis most painful sounding, indeed.” He leaned in close. “And didst thou smite her, as would any true warrior born?”
“No” the kid answered. The ‘elf’ whispered to him once more. “Er... Nay Santa. My mom says I shouldn’t hit my sister.”
“T’was the case in mine day.” Santa agreed. “But mine comrades tell me ‘tis not the same in the nineties. Women too may now enter glorious combat. Methinks she needs be whomped upside her treacherous head. How fairs thy ‘Optimus Primal’?”
“I could use a new one!” the kid answered hopefully.
“Mayhap such requests would be better suited to thine health insurance provider. However, Thou hast mine pledge as fabled St. Nick to see what canst be done.”
As the child hopped down from ‘Santa’s’ lap, Visionary worked his was through the throngs of waiting children.
“Hey!” one of them yelled. “No cuts!”
“I’m not cutting in line...” Visionary replied, seeing a group of parents eyeing him angrily. “I’m... er, one of Santa’s helpers.”
“You don’t look much like an elf” a little girl said suspiciously. “What do you do?”
“He shovels out the reindeer’s stalls” Fleabot answered helpfully. “Prancer’s been having some digestive problems recently, and he needs to keep Santa up to date on his condition. We can’t take incontinent reindeer over secured airspace, after all... ever since that incident with President Nixon’s convertible.”
The girl looked at him critically. “Okay, I can see that. Go ahead.”
“Thanks” Visionary muttered. He climbed up the stairs to where Jolly Old St. Nick was waiting. “Donar? Yo? Is that you?”
“Visionary! Well met!” Donar answered through his fake white beard. “Hast thou come to join the three of us in our merry good cheer?”
“Three of you?” Visionary asked.
Yo nodded. “Mrs. Claus” he said, inclining his head towards a separate line. The fathers of the various children were waiting patiently for a chance to have ‘Mrs. Claus’ sit on *their* laps. Lisa seemed to be taking the idea of spreading Christmas cheer to the next level. Visionary had to admit her costume was rather... festive. Now he knew how Santa spent those other 364 cold nights at the North Pole...
“Visi? Oh, Visi...?” Yo repeated.
“Huh? What?” Visionary snapped back to reality. “Er... what did you say, Yo?”
“I had been asking if you were planning on being at the party tonight.” Yo answered happily.
“Wouldn’t miss it” Visionary assured him. “I just have a few more things to pick up...”
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“I don’t know, Tina... What do you think?” Cheryl asked, eyeing the 18 foot tall tree speculatively.
“I think I liked it better over there.” Tina answered thoughtfully, pointing to the other side of the Lair’s rec. room.
“Uh... ladies? This thing’s getting kinda heavy...” NTU informed them from beneath the huge tree’s lower branches. “How about I just set it down here and let you think about it?”
“No, I think Tina’s right.” Cheryl said. “It definitely looked better over there.”
“Uh-huh” NTU answered, heaving the tree back up with a grunt.
“I heard that!” Tina told him.
“I didn’t say anything!” NTU argued.
“No, but you were thinking it.” Tina said. “Don’t be such a baby... your armor is doing most of the work.”
“The operative word there is ‘most’.” NTU pointed out. “Twenty trips back and forth carrying this overgrown shrubbery can get pretty grueling.”
It occurred to Cheryl that having psionic powers like Tina’s could be quite useful, but then, one had to play the cards one was dealt. Besides, after a few years of marriage, she could practically read Visionary’s mind anyway.
“I’m not surprised” Tina said to her. “There really isn’t that much going on up there.”
Cheryl laughed. “It’s not polite to eavesdrop, dear” she said with a smile. Just then the doorbell rang. Tina walked over to answer it.
“I’d better help you disable the security system!” NTU called from the underbrush. “If you don’t enter the proper clearance code the stunner guns will deploy from the walls and take your head clean off!”
“Isn’t that a tad excessive for ‘stunner’ guns?” Cheryl asked mildly, critically examining the tree’s placement.
“Apparently, our insurance people had a problem with calling them ‘decapitation guns’. They wanted to take our premiums through the roof.”
Tina didn’t seem impressed with NTU’s warnings, because she threw open the front door without hesitation. Her head remained firmly in place.
“Damn!” NTU said. Tina turned to look at him. “Oh!” he added, “Uh... it’s just... I thought that I had finally worked all the bugs out of that thing. Naturally, I’m relieved it didn’t work...” NTU paused pathetically. “You’re gonna make me move the tree again, aren’t you?”
“Oh yeah” Tina answered, then turned back to their visitor. “Hello, can I help you?”
“Yes” the woman at the door answered. “Lisa invited me over for the party. I’m her sister, Dr. Moo.”
“Hey, I know her! She’s evil!” NTU called out from under his arboreal burden.
“A talking tree?” Moo asked. “What won’t those botanists think of next?”
“It’s well trained.” Cheryl agreed. “Is the tree right? I seem to recall Visionary saying something about Lisa’s diabolically evil sister... but then he often says the same thing about Lisa herself.”
“He’s right this time.” Moo admitted. “But I’m not feeling particularly diabolical tonight: I’m on vacation” She held up a grocery bag. “Besides, I brought eggnog.”
“Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place...” Tina said, inviting the doctor inside.
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“I hate malls” the newly installed Chronicler of Stories said moodily. “There is absolutely no knowledge to be gained from a mall.”
“Nonsense” Fin Fang Foom answered. “Look, there’s a B. Dalton Bookstore. We can stop and get you People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue.”
The Chronicler glared at his overgrown iguana companion. “Laugh it up. Here it is, Christmas eve, and we’re in an alter to commercialism.”
“You were watching ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ last night, weren’t you?” Pegasus responded mildly. (The LL and Scourge had called a truce for the holidays). “I told you not to watch that and read Marx at the same time...”
CoS decided to ignore that. “Look at these poor, pathetic souls” he said, waving his hand at the crowds, “they should be spending this time with their friends and families, not tearing around looking for motorized tie racks and... and...” he paused and sniffed the air, his face transfixed. “What’s that smell?”
“Uh-oh.” Fin Fang Foom said, recognizing the odor. They turned to find themselves outside of The Coffee Beanary. Finny lunged for the Chronicler, but was too late. With a “whoop!” of joy, the Chronicler of Stories disappeared into the storefront.
“What do we do now?” Pegasus asked as the Chronicler’s maniacal laughter poured out of the store.
Fin Fang Foom shrugged. “Nothing much we can do. He’ll be in there until security can dislodge him. That’s the way it is with Pure Knowledge types: The only thing they consume is coffee and more knowledge.” The dragon started back towards the atrium. “Let’s go join Yo, Donar and Lisa.”
If it weren’t for his tremendous size, Fin Fang Foom would have been swept away by the mob of screaming people that suddenly came stampeding towards them. Shielding Pegasus, he stepped off to one side to let the crashing wave of humanity by. “What the hell was that about?” he asked.
“Must be a sale at the GAP” She theorized.
Just then, the sound of automatic gunfire erupted in the mall, drowning out the soothing instrumental version of “O Tannenbaum” that was playing in the background. “Nobody move!!!” a squeaky little voice yelled.
Fin Fang Foom and Pegasus burst into the atrium to find a two foot tall man, dressed in green, white and red horizontal stripes, standing on Donar/Santa’s head and wielding an Uzi sub-machine gun in each hand. “Bring me the Big Guy!” he squeaked. “The Real Deal!!! Do it, or I ventilate this sorry Santa!”
Finny took a quick appraisal of the situation. Still plenty of civilians, most of whom were cowering on the floor. He sidled up to Lisa, who was standing with her arms raised next to Yo.
“What’s with him?” the dragon whispered.
Lisa gave a subtle shrug. “Disgruntled Elf” she replied.
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Visionary found the bunnies to be entirely unsatisfactory. “Is this all you’ve got?” he asked the pet shop’s clerk.
“It’s not like we got an unopened case of ‘em in back.” the fat, uncaring shopkeeper replied.
Visionary ignored the jibe. “What do you think?” he asked Fleabot.
“I don’t know...” Fleabot responded, looking at the sleeping balls of fuzz. “They aren’t much to look at, are they?”
The shopkeeper peered at them closely. “What the hell is that on your shoulder?”
“Well, uh...” Visionary began.
“You brought fleas into a Pet Shop? What kind of psycho are you?!” He pulled a baseball bat out from behind the counter. “Get your flea-infested ass out of my store!!!” he yelled.
“Hey!” Visionary cried indignantly as he was herded out into the upper levels of the mall. “It’s just one flea, that’s hardly an infestation!”
“For the last time...” Fleabot reminded him, “I’m a ROBOT, not an actual flea!” He glared at the shop owner, who had pulled down the security gate behind them. “You know, it occurs to me that we are going about this in the entirely wrong manner” he finally said.
“Oh?” Visionary asked. In truth, he was fresh out of ideas.
“I would suggest that, when you need to know the best present for a being of Pure Thought Energy, you consult a being of Pure Knowledge.”
“Chronicler of Stories?” Visionary asked. “How do we even find him?”
“He, Fin Fang Foom, and the Scourger, Pegasus, were to take over for Donar, Yo and Lisa as part of the BZL’s community service program” Fleabot explained. “He should be in Santa’s chair by now...”
By luck, they happened to pass by the Coffee Beanary on their way to find Santa, and so happened to catch the Chronicler in the midst of his caffeine binge.
“Uh...” Visionary said warily, watching as the Chronicler lay flat on his back, chewing whole coffee beans. “Is that the best way to have coffee?”
“My attempts to take it intravenously were unsuccessful” he answered, still staring at the ceiling.
“Ummmm... okay.” Visionary looked at Fleabot, who shrugged. “Anyway... we were wondering if you might know the best gift for Yo...”
The left side of Chronicler’s face started spasming rapidly. Eventually, he got it under control once again. “French roast” he said, as if that explained things. Then he finally looked at them. “I don’t know. What you want to do is ask another Pure Thought Energy being.”
“But there aren’t any others in the Parodyverse...” Visionary protested.
“UNTRUE!!!” CoS suddenly roared. “LIES!!! DAMNABLE LIES, ONE AND ALL!!!!” His head was twitching rapidly once again, and he had to grasp it with both hands to steady it. “Ahem... that is to say...” he paused dramatically, “there is another!”
“There is?” Visionary answered, surprised enough by the news to forget the spastic behavior of his fellow Legionnaire. “When did this happen?”
“Back when you were a weasel” The Chronicler answered, dunking his head into a sack of pure, Colombian coffee.
“Could you narrow it down, somewhat?” Fleabot asked wryly.
“Hey!!!” Visionary protested. “He means when we were all transformed into animals!”
“Indeed” came the muffled response from the sack. The Chronicler of Stories popped his head back out, sending a shower of coffee beans flying through the air. “It was then that Yo met the one you seek!” He shot them a very jittery glance. “You seek Yi, yes... Yi is the one. Now... leave me to my dark mistress.” With that he plunged his head back into the sack.
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“We’ll need jet packs! And reverse-nutrino particle accelerators! And my M-150 urban assault vehicle!” NTU-150 said excitedly, making the necessary mental calculations. “Perhaps I should whip up a transdimensional containment unit, just to be safe.”
“According to the news reports, it *is* just one lone elf, dear.” Cheryl reminded him gently as she sipped her hot cider. “I’m sure the Legionnaires at the mall can handle things.”
“Ah, but what do we really know about elves, eh?” NTU responded absently. “Perhaps all elves are cosmically powered, or maybe just this one.” He continued to make an equipment list. “Are you willing to take that chance?”
“He’s right you know” Moo began, “I’m pretty sure you’re going to have to whip up some defense against ‘elfin magic’.” She downed a Keebler ‘Fudge Stripe’ cookie. “Any race of people who can make cookies this addictive are a force to be reckoned with.”
NTU shot her an irritated glare. “As the only member of the Lair Legion present, it’s up to me to mount a rescue operation” he reminded them. He turned back to his list. “I wonder what effect a high powered spray of liquid nitrogen would have on elfin physiology...?”
Cheryl looked at Tina. *Can’t you rein him in, any?* she thought.
*Are you kidding?* Tina answered. *I’m just thankful that he’s not taking apart the kitchen appliances and hot-wiring them into some kind of death ray... but then, it’s early yet.*
“Hey!” NTU said excitedly. “I should call Hallie! This is the perfect opportunity to pull the Giant Samurai Robot out of mothballs!”
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“Do you think he’ll show?” Pegasus asked, looking up into the falling snow.
“Probably” Fin Fang Foom answered, standing next to her on the roof of the mall. “Otherwise this who thing could easily turn into a P.R. nightmare for him.”
Sure enough, from high above came the jingle of sleigh-bells. With a mighty “HO HO HO!” a large team of reindeer came into view, their hooves cutting through the crisp night air.
“Amateurs” Pegasus snorted in contempt. “I could fly better than that with one wing tied behind my back.” She watched as they came clattering in for a nimble landing on the mall’s icy roof. “Still...” she said thoughtfully, “that Dasher is kind of cute...”
A jolly fat man in red leapt out of the open sleigh. “All right, people” he said quickly. “I’m on kind of a tight schedule tonight, let’s not waste time.” He looked around. “Where’s the chimney?”
“Uh... why don’t you try the stairs?” Fin Fang Foom suggested.
Santa looked a little crestfallen but agreed. “Lead the way, my dear” he said to Pegasus. He looked back at the dragon. “Keep an eye on ‘the little St. Nick’ for me, will you son?” He nodded towards the sleigh. “This Parodyverse of yours isn’t in the best of neighborhoods, after all.”
“Don’t you worry, Big Guy!” the dragon responded with his most innocent look. “I’ll take care of it!”
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“So anyway” the elfin terrorist said, sitting cross-legged on top of Donar’s head, “after I nearly put the foreman’s eye out with that Red Rider BB gun, the big guy “downsized” me...” He let out a squeaky little sigh. “Which I felt was rather unfair, since I didn’t even know the thing was loaded! And as for the fire, well... how was I to know that 20,000 vibrating “Tickle Me Elmos” could build up that kind of friction?”
Yo nodded sadly. “That situation is sucking.”
“Verily” Donar agreed.
Lisa leaned over to Chronicler of Stories, who had joined the hostages being held in the atrium. “I forget, is Donar bulletproof or not?”
The Chronicler looked pained. “Let’s not start that debate again, okay? Besides, the little guy has plenty of targets to choose from, and he looks desperate and hopeless enough to do most anything.”
“Well, then” Lisa said, turning a speculative eye on the tiny gun-toting madman. “Perhaps I should give him a reason for living...”
“Trust me” The Chronicler said, “Don’t use the ‘size doesn’t matter’ line on him.”
“Too clichéd?”
The Chronicler nodded. He turned to see Pegasus leading a large man dressed in red and white into the atrium. The man didn’t look very jolly.
“ZEBULON!!!” Santa roared. “What in blue blazes do you think you’re doing?!”
“Zebulon?” Yo asked.
“It’s a name” the little elf replied defensively. “Who are you to talk?”
Pegasus left Santa to join Chronicler of Stories and smirked at the mysterious Legionnaire. “Every last bean?” she asked curiously.
Chronicler shrugged. “And a couple of biscotti.” he admitted.
“All right, Zeb, I haven’t got all night” Santa said, standing defiantly in front of the angry elf. “What do you want?”
“I want my job back, you heartless old fart!” Zeb squeaked. “What kind of a man lays off workers right before Christmas?”
“It’s the only time you work all year!” Santa shot back. “You pull in thirty thousand US dollars for one week of work! When was I suppose to fire you, Easter?!”
“I was thinking that elves made toys all year round” Yo commented.
Santa shrugged. “They used to, but now we outsource that work to Hasbro and Mattel and other toy companies. Most elves just coordinate shipping and inventory.”
“Truly?” Donar asked. “And they be making such sums of cash for nary but that?”
Santa curled his lips. “Unions” he spat.
“Yeah? Well, tell me...” Zeb sputtered. “Who could move that amount of inventory except for highly trained elves?”
“UPS” Santa answered.
“Really?” Lisa asked, surprised.
Santa shrugged. “They’re not so bad” he noted, “at least once you get used to all that brown.”
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“Bye, dear!” Cheryl called from the open hatch of NTU’s huge, tank-like, “urban assault vehicle” as it motored past Visionary on its enormous treads. “We shouldn’t be too long. Oh! And take the ham out of the oven in half an hour!” She waved as they rumbled down the street.
“Where do you suppose they’re going?” Visionary asked Fleabot as he waved back from the snow covered street in front of the Lair.
“Knowing you people, it could be anywhere.” Fleabot answered. “Caroling, maybe.”
They had managed to pry a few more clues out of the Chronicler before leaving him face down in a case of a mild Amaretto blend. Apparently, the only place that this “Yi” person had been seen was the Happy Place. Since neither one of them were eager to undergo severe mental stress to make the jump to the Happy Place, they had decided to return to the Lair and NTU-150’s laboratory.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Fleabot asked as they took the Lair’s elevator to the sub-basement level that contained NTU’s workshop.
“No” Visionary admitted. “But that hardly ever stops me.”
As luck would have it, they didn’t have to go more than ten paces into the cavernous laboratory before they found what they were looking for: The Happy Place Conduit. The only non-stress related way of accessing the soothing land. (Of course, relying on one of NTU’s machines was often stress inducing, itself.)
“Well...” Visionary said nervously, punching up the power to the machine, “here goes nothing”
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“What the hell is that?” Pegasus demanded, back on the roof with the Chronicler of Stories.
“Er... what?” Fin Fang Foom asked.
“That” she said again, pointing to the lead animal on Santa’s sled team.
The Dragon gave them an innocent look. “You mean it’s not Blitzen?”
“Not unless the stories all forgot to mention that Blitzen was a frickin’ WATER BUFFALO!” Pegasus yelled.
Chronicler of Stories looked at the huge, fat cow tied to Santa’s sleigh with a slight grin. “How was Blitzen anyway?” he asked.
“A little gamey” Fin Fang Foom admitted.
“Wha--?!” Pegasus responded in shock. She covered her face with her hands. “Where’d you get his replacement?”
“Big Jim’s Animal Safari off interstate 25” the dragon answered.
“And why didn’t you just eat the Buffalo instead?” CoS asked.
“I’ve had Water Buffalo” Fin Fang Foom explained. “but not reindeer. Well... at least not *magic* reindeer. The dragon looked at Pegasus, who still had her head buried in her hands. “Uh... are you okay?”
Pegasus burst out howling with laughter. “You know” she said at last, wiping a tear from her eye, “I can’t believe they call you Legionnaires the ‘good guys’. I mean, not even *Zemo* would eat one of Santa’s reindeer on Christmas eve...” She broke down laughing at them again.
“Say, Finny...” the Chronicler said thoughtfully, “when Santa finishes with the hostage negotiations, he’s going to have to fly around the world delivering presents, right?”
A grin spread across the dragons face. “I do believe you’re right” he admitted.
“I don’t suppose that “Blitzen II” here can fly, can he?” Chronicler asked.
“I don’t think so.” Fin Fang Foom said critically. “And I doubt he’s bright enough to learn in the next half hour or so.” Just to test the buffalo’s intelligence, he gave it a nudge. “Blitzen II” tipped over, landing on his side with a mighty ‘whomph’.
“Well, that just won’t do.” The Chronicler noted.
“Indeed” Finny agreed slyly. He gave his fellow Legionnaire a toothy grin. “Where do you suppose we might find another flying, hoofed mammal at this time of night?”
Pegasus stopped laughing and stared at them, mouth agape. “You can’t be serious!”
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“Yi, I presume?” Visionary asked... it? Yi’s nature was even more ambiguous than Yo’s. For one thing, Yi seemed to exist in a much less distinct state than Yo, and so looked like a hazy, vaguely humanoid shape. Visionary knew that Yo had to concentrate to change shape... perhaps here in the Happy Place, Yi could never concentrate enough to bring him/herself into focus.
“I am being Yi” Yi confirmed happily.
“Well, that’s convenient” Fleabot noted critically. They had just arrived in the Happy Place after all, and it was as if Yi had been waiting for them.
“I’ve noticed that coincidences become more common the longer these adventures stretch out.” Visionary noted. “Besides, the Happy Place usually manifests whatever you need to relieve your stress. Since we were looking for Yi, here Yi is.”
“And you really buy that explanation?” Fleabot scoffed.
“Yes” Visionary answered firmly, more in the interests of skipping an argument than in the interests of truth. “Let’s get on with this. Yi, we need a gift for Yo.”
Yi considered this. “Then you should be obtaining one” Yi concluded.
“Ummmm... okay” Visionary answered. “The thing is, we need to know *what* to obtain for Yo.”
Yi considered this. “Be making something” Yi concluded. “Yo would be liking that.”
“Ummmm... okay” Visionary answered again. “But... what?”
Yi considered this. “Bunnies” Yi concluded. “Yo is liking bunnies.”
“Ummmm...--”
“Will you two stop that already!!!” Fleabot snapped. “How does one make a bunny, Yi?”
“By thought” Yi answered happily. “The better the thinking, the better the Pure Thought Bunny.”
Fleabot looked at Visionary speculatively. “That’s going to be one crappy bunny” he said.
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“I’ve had just about enough of this, Zebulon.” Santa said ominously on the monitor.
NTU was pleased. The infrared scope was picking up the shapes of everyone in the mall, and his high-intensity parabolic microphone was transmitting the digital quality sounds of the negotiations inside.
“It’s very impressive” Tina agreed with his thoughts. “But what do you intend to do now?”
NTU considered it. “I could alter the particle emitter to flood the mall with neutrinos” he speculated. “They wouldn’t damage any property, but they’d sure as hell drop that elf.”
“And the hostages?” Cheryl asked from the back seat of the Urban Assault Vehicle.
“Ummm... they’d probably be liquefied.” NTU admitted. “either that or go up in spontaneous human combustion... I’m not really sure which. It’s something I haven’t really gotten around to studying yet.”
“Well,” Moo said happily, “only one way to find out!”
“Careful, dear.” Cheryl said. “You’re letting your evil side show again.”
Tina shook her head. Somehow, this wasn’t how she pictured spending Christmas Eve. It was far past time to end this silliness. *Santa* she asked mentally, *Can I talk to you for a minute?*
*Tina? This isn’t about the pony again, is it?* Santa thought back. *I told you when you were six-- I couldn’t fit it in my sleigh.*
*No, no... Nothing like that* she reassured him. It was nice to know that he still remembered her, but then, he was Santa, after all. *I just had an idea of how to end all this nonsense...*
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“It’s purple” Fleabot noted.
“So?” Visionary said through clenched teeth, thinking of a bunny harder than he had ever thought of a bunny before. There was a lot more to it than he had imagined. He stood with his eyes closed, forming the rabbit in his mind while Yi thought that image into existence.
“I’ve just never seen a purple one before.” Fleabot responded.
“I am liking it” Yi complimented. “Is very different.”
“The feet are pretty big” Fleabot said.
“Rabbits are supposed to have big feet” Visionary said defensively, sweating from the effort of concentration. “Maybe it’s a Snowshoe Hare”
“More like an ‘Alpine Skier Hare’” Fleabot answered. “You do know that it’s lopsided, right? One ear is twice the length of the other.”
“Do you want to do this?” Visionary snapped testily. “I’m concentrating on getting all the internal organs right, and every individual hair at the same time! This isn’t easy, you know.”
“I am helping.” Yi said happily. “I am thinking that you are done.”
Visionary opened his eyes to look upon his creation. It *was* purple. And big footed. And lopsided. But otherwise it did seem to be a bunny. It started hopping in happy little circles.
Yi smiled. “So what will you be calling it?”
Fleabot watched it’s dizzying hopping. “How about ‘Mutantor: the Chernobyl Bunny’?”
Visionary scowled at him. “We’ll let Yo name it” he said. “It is his bunny, after all.” Visionary scooped up the odd little rabbit. “Maybe he’ll want to name it after me...” he speculated.
Fleabot raised a microscopic flea eyebrow. “Bunniary?” he asked.
“Maybe not” Visionary conceded.
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“Enough!” Santa said finally. “What do you want?”
“I want my old job back!” Zebulon squeaked.
Santa shook his head. “No can do” he said sadly. “The only openings I have left are in R & D.”
“Research and Development?” Lisa asked curiously. “At the North Pole?”
Santa nodded. “The whole ‘Holiday’ thing is all cutting edge these days. We’ve got to get the product out faster, cheaper and better every year.” He heaved a great sigh. “We just barely held off a hostile take-over by the Easter Bunny last year.”
“But... but...” Zeb sputtered. “I’ve never worked R & D before!”
“True” Santa said thoughtfully. “Even though elves are natural builders, you’re resume is a bit weak to justify such a position.” He began pacing. “If only there was some internship program for fine young elves like yourself...”
Suddenly the building began to tremble. Mannequins in the department store windows toppled over, and compact disks fell from the shelves of the music store. With a deafening crash a huge, tank-like vehicle burst through the wall of the ‘Banana Republic’. Multiple weapons deployed from the sides of the massive machine, all trained on the cowering form clutching the top of Donar’s head.
“Hello NTU!” Yo called out cheerfully. “How is your Christmas Eve being?”
“UH... GREAT, YO” came the answer over the tank’s loudspeaker. “*AHEM* ATTENTION, ELFIN TERRORIST ZEBULON. YOU ARE ORDERED TO CEASE AND DESIST ALL HOSTILE ACTIVITIES OR YOU WILL BE LIQUIFI... UMMMMM... I MEAN....... NEUTRALIZED.”
“Er....” Donar said. “Canst he achieve such things without affecting mine head?”
The little elf peeked over the god's scalp. “You’ll never take me alive, coppers!!!” he yelled.
“Looks like we’ll find out.” Lisa answered Donar.
About twenty weapons began to glow ominously. “HAVE IT YOUR WAY, BUT THIS IS GOING TO BE MESSY...” the Legionnaire answered from the massive tank. “READY!... AIM!”
“Um... friend NTU... Mayhaps mine elfin friend didst misspeak...” said Donar nervously.
The cannons glowed ever brighter, and a powerful hum began to emanate from them.
Donar and Zebulon closed their eyes. “eep” they said in unison.
“FIRE!!!”
There was a pathetic “spurkt” sound, and the cannons fizzled out.
Donar and Zebulon cautiously opened their eyes.
“AW, CRAP...” NTU said over the loudspeaker. “JUST GIMME A MINUTE...”
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The ham was a total loss. Visionary *knew* that he had forgotten something. Still, it didn’t seem to matter, as the Lair was still deserted by the time they returned from the Happy Place, and Visionary really didn’t care for ham himself.
“For the love of God” Fleabot said, “would you unwrap that poor bunny’s face? It keeps bouncing headfirst into the wall.”
“Sorry” Visionary said, catching up the woozy rabbit. “I guess air holes for the nose weren’t enough.” He had wrapped the bunny from head to foot in green wrapping paper, making a rather festive present, in his opinion. He tore the paper around the rabbit’s eyes and set the bunny back down. It joyfully went bouncing into the wall once again. From there it rebounded into the coffee table and happily ricocheted into the hallway.
“Guess it wasn’t the paper.” Fleabot noted, as the thunderous crash of pots and pans signaled that the bunny had careened into the kitchen. “It’s a product of your mind, all right.”
Just then the front door opened.
“INTRUDER ALERT!!!” the security system wailed. Visionary barely managed to dive to the floor before the ‘stunner’ guns popped out of the wall and fired at him, vaporizing a large chunk of the wall behind him.
“Er... sorry about that.” NTU said, shutting down the system. “That was supposed to shoot the people in the doorway, not the people in the living room.” He turned to a tiny man dressed in horizontal stripes that entered the Lair behind him. “Make a note of that, Zebulon.”
“Gotcha, boss!” the little man answered.
“Hi dear, we’re back.” Cheryl said, entering next with the Diabolical Dr. Moo.
“Does he always bow at your feet when you enter a room?” Moo asked, looking at the prone Visionary. “You *do* have him well trained.”
Visionary ignored her, instead trying to think of a decent excuse for what happened to the ham.
“What about the ham?” Tina asked as she and Donar followed Moo through the door.
“Er... nothing.” Visionary answered, quickly putting such thoughts out of his mind. “Who’s the little guy?”
“My new apprentice.” NTU answered. “Tina suggested it, and once I saw how good the little guy was with machines, I agreed to take him on. I’ve been needing a lab assistant.”
“Uh... where did you find him?” Visionary asked, watching the tiny man trying to reach the top of the end table to dunk a chip into the dip.
“He was holding a bunch of people hostage in the mall after Santa fired him for causing too many industrial accidents at the North Pole.” NTU explained. “When the guns on the Urban Assault Vehicle misfired, he was able to unjam them for me lickity-split.” He leaned in close to Visionary. “Tina told me to make ‘em jam. I guess Santa had told her that these elf guys were great with machinery, and she wanted to give him a chance to prove it. I think it has to do with their small hands... but don’t mention that to Zeb. He seems a little sensitive about his size.”
“Well...” Chronicler of Stories said, entering the Lair with Fin Fang Foom, “now that the exposition is taken care of, let’s eat.”
“Really” the dragon agreed. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”
“Where is Pegasus, anyway?” Lisa asked, entering with Yo.
Chronicler of Stories looked at his watch. “With a good tail-wind, I’d guess... Timbuktu, maybe?”
Fin Fang Foom grinned. “When she gets back, remind me to ask her if it truly is a small world after all.”
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Epilogue:
Pegasus filled in for the late Blitzen admirably, and as a result, she became the only member of the Scourge of the BZL to make it off of Santa’s “naughty” list. She has since vowed revenge on both Chronicler of Stories and Fin Fang Foom. On the plus side, Dasher, Comet and Cupid all asked for her phone number.
Zebulon moved into NTU’s laboratory and became his apprentice/assistant. Some day he hopes to take what the genius Legionnaire teaches him and apply it to the ‘family business’ back at the North Pole. In return, NTU now has someone on which to blame his laboratory explosions.
Donar insists to this day that he knew NTU was not going to liquefy his head, and that he never once quivered in fear. All those who contradict this story are immediately smited.
Yo loved his Pure Thought Bunny. Once it was fully unwrapped, it proceeded to happily bounce headfirst into an end table, breaking a lamp and spilling salted nuts all over the floor. The Legion agreed to wait for Jarvis’ return to decide the Lair’s policy on house pets, and Lisa convinced her sister not to use said bunny for ‘Hasenpfeffer’, at least until the new year. What Yo decided to name the lopsided, purple, big-footed rabbit, however, is a question only s/he can answer...
Luckily for Visionary, Fin Fang Foom was somehow able to procure a Water Buffalo to take the place of the ruined ham. Everyone enjoyed it so much that they decided to make it the Lair Legion’s traditional holiday dinner.
Santa brought them all exactly what they wanted, with the exception of Finny, who got a lump of coal and a note reading “You’re on my list”. What this may mean, however, is anybody’s guess.
There was laughter and singing (except by Visionary, who was specifically asked not to join in), and the joy of being with family and friends...
And a Merry Christmas was had by all.
Visionary, hoping the newer posters will enjoy it.
