Visionary was stuck on monitor duty again. He was always stuck on monitor duty. At least, he figured that was the reason he was always left behind when a parody war broke out. So he told himself that monitor duty was a vital job, essential to the smooth operation of the Parodyverse. Today, monitor duty consisted of watching "Stewardess School 3" on Cinemax.

The stewardesses were just about to undergo their physicals when a bright flash of light filled the room, followed by a crack of thunder. Visionary turned to see Baron Zemo and Lisa standing behind him. Both looked slightly disheveled. Considering Visionary was in the den of his condo, he was rather surprised to see them.

"Oh, uh, hey guys" he sputtered. "Come on in, can I get you something? A Diet Coke? Snapple?"

"Dear God! What are you watching?" cried a horrified Lisa, pointing to the TV.

Visionary turned to see the movie. The doctor on screen was having a hard time finding a place to put his stethoscope. At least, it seemed that he was. In any event, he was way off the mark. "Oh, that... I was just flipping through channels when you came in, see...." he explained quickly.

"Never mind that." The Baron said to Lisa. "They will be right behind us, we have to move quickly!"

She nodded. Shielding her eyes from the action on screen, she and the Baron crossed the room and headed for the front door.

"Ummm, thanks for stopping by!" Visionary called out to them as they fled into the evening. Before he could go back to his movie, however, the light and thunder returned. This time it was Yo standing in his den, with a hooded companion.

"I say, chap" Yo said in a dapper English accent. "Would you be so kind as to inform us of the whereabouts of Dame Lisa and Baron Zemo?"

"Uhh, they just left... Yo? Since when are you British? Something about this whole afternoon hasn’t been quite right..." Visionary stated suspiciously.

"Brilliant deduction, Holmes!" Yo’s companion sneered. "But then, you make up for your lack of intelligence with your incredible good looks!" With that he drew back his hood.

Visionary started. "Okay, now I *know* something peculiar’s going on..." he said as he looked at himself standing next to Yo.

The other Visionary sighed. "Look, I’ll explain, and I’ll try to use small words..." he said. "The League of Irregulars has decided to enslave your Parodyverse, and I’m your doppelganger from another dimension. Sort of an Anti-Visionary, to you."

"Like Bizarro Superman?" the original Visionary asked. "You mean, you’re my opposite? But then, why don’t you talk like he does, you know... ‘Me am Visionary’?"

"Because," Anti-Visionary said patiently, "I’m not the stupid one."

Visionary was about to object as the less than complimentary implications of that comment filtered in, but then another thought crossed his mind. "Wait a minute, why are you bothering to tell me all this?" he asked apprehensively.

"Simple. I’d hate to see myself die with that clueless expression on my face." The Anti-Visionary’s eyes began to glow as he fired some sort of ray at his double. Visionary hit the floor twitching in a state of semi-consciousness.

Yo stepped across the spasming man to the phone on the desk. After dialing an obscene amount of numbers, he raised the receiver to his face. "Beachhead is quite secure, Commander. No, no trouble at all. You may begin invasion at your earliest convenience. Jolly Good."

More light and thunder filled Visionary’s den. Suddenly, the room was filled with people, all very familiar but somehow not quite right. At the forefront stood a man whose very demeanor showed that he had never been a servant in his life. This man existed solely to rule.

"Bring me the heads of Lisa the Chaste and that Goody-two-shoes Baron Zemo" the Anti-Jarvis growled. "Hunt down your opposites and bring them here to me in chains." He kicked the still twitching Visionary onto his back. "And somebody clean up this mess..."

Author’s Note: This story was originally envisioned as a round-robin, and when I posted the first part I said that anyone who wanted to should write about their confrontation with their evil opposite. Unfortunately, this was my first attempt at a round-robin, and I made the grievous error of promising to write the final chapter that closed out the story.

What happened is people took the story and ran with it in different directions. Jarvis had himself captured and had Visionary escape, The Man Who Wasn’t There had his opposite and others break away from Anti-Jarvis’ Irregulars into the League of the Left-ins, spiriting away the good Zemo and Lisa. Space Ghost and Anti-Space Ghost met and instead of fighting, found a shared pain in each other and bonded as friends. Yo, in one of his most supremely silly moods, ran across his uptight British double and drove him insane.

We came absolutely no closer to an ending. What was worse, I realized that I *really* wanted to write this story myself. So I selfishly called off the round-robin and set about writing a conclusion.

Sadly, I don’t know if any of these added chapters still exist. I’m afraid you’ll have to settle for the ‘abridged’ League of Irregulars.

Baron Zemo watched the monitors with great interest. The alarm had sounded in the late afternoon, warning him that his universe had been breached by outsiders. Still, the identity of these invaders was difficult to believe. This so-called League of Irregulars seemed to be doppelgangers of the Parodyverse population. What was worse, from what he had seen so far, was that his other self seemed to be a complete pansy.

"So, he thinks he can taint my image with sweetness and love, does he?" The Baron whispered bitterly. "We shall see about that."

---

Visionary stumbled into the law offices occupied by Lisa’s firm early the next morning. After escaping from the LOI, he had been on the run all night, finally eluding his pursuers by hiding in a dumpster behind the 7-11. NTU-150 sat behind the secretary’s desk, and eyed him suspiciously. Visionary was covered in discarded Slurpees, and walked with a definite limp. The entire right side of his body occasionally twitched, and he had a wild look in his eyes.

"I need to see Lisa immediately!" he gasped as he slumped against the desk.

"I see..." said NTU warily. "Do you have an appointment?"

"Well, um.... no actually." Visionary said weakly. "But this *is* rather important..."

"All right, you take a seat and let me see what I can do." NTU pressed a button on the intercom sitting on his desk. "Ma’am, there someone here to see you. No appointment. It looks to be a personal injury claim..." he looked at Visionary, who’s face had begun spasming wildly. "Possibly medical malpractice."

"Fine. I can make time after the Lieberman divorce this afternoon." came the voice over the intercom.

Visionary’s shoulders slumped. "Can’t you get me in any earlier than that?" he pleaded. "It really is important..."

"Then you should have made an appointment," NTU said crisply, "Shouldn’t you’ve?"

Visionary slunk into his chair an scowled. Time for plan B: pal around with the help. "So, tell me," he began in a friendly voice, "how did you become Lisa’s secretary?"

NTU gave him a withering look. "That’s *personal assistant*." he said darkly. Then he sighed. "Sorry. It wasn’t my idea, actually. I got into some trouble a while back and needed representation. I couldn’t afford the legal fees, though, so we had to improvise."

"What kind of trouble?" Visionary asked, honestly curious.

NTU-150 looked slightly embarrassed. "I, uh, kind of went loopy on paint fumes a while back." he began. "I really wasn’t thinking clearly, you understand, and I apparently went on a rampage accosting people about the ‘power of Yo’. Anyway, to make a long story short, I woke up in a girl scout camp surrounded by empty boxes of ‘Tag-alongs’." He made a face. "It didn’t help that the troop leader was the Governor’s wife...."

---

The battle had been costly. The League of the Left-ins had taken the opportunity to splinter away from the Anti-Jarvis’s League of Irregulars once they had made planet fall. That decision had been a dangerous one. The Man Who’s Always There had hurried Zemo and Lisa the Chaste along, while the rest of the Left-ins had tried to hold off pursuit. They were no match for the Irregulars, but the prize that these two carried was worth the lives of his compatriots. These two alone knew the secret to defeating Anti-Jarvis. TMWAT’s face split in an evil grin. These two would make HIM overlord of all the multi-parody-verses, and who deserved that honor more than a man who was everywhere at once?

They fled into the forest, scrambling over roots and bushes. Finally they came to a clearing and stopped to catch their breath. By now, the rest of the Left-ins were probably captured, and awaiting ‘reprogramming’. Anti-Jarvis would soon have them as his loyal servants once again. "I think we’ll be safe here, for awhile..." he said between pants.

"I think not." said an ominous voice from the shadows of the trees. The good Baron Zemo turned too late, as an intense ray of energy shot right through his chest. His mouth opened in a silent scream as he began to burn from the inside out. He held his hands out pleadingly to the horrified Lisa before his body collapsed completely into a pile of dust.

TMWAT turned and lunged in inarticulate rage at the shadowy figure. When he was perhaps a yard away from the attacker he struck hard against an energy barrier. Lightning arched from his fingertips as he collapsed, unable to move.

Lisa the Chaste was kneeling next to the pile of Zemo’s ashes as the assailant stepped into the clearing. "Why?" she demanded with tears streaming openly down her face.

"Is this not the way of all life?" the figure asked coldly. "Does the dominant male of any territory not kill all challengers to his claims?" He bent down so that his face was mere inches away from hers. "This is *my* domain," he said with chilling finality, "And here, there is only room for one Zemo!"

---

"All right," Lisa said briskly as NTU-150 finally lead Visionary into her office. "Whaddaya got?" She eyed him up and down. "Botched lobotomy? Maimed by a Slurpee machine?" Her eyes lit up. "You know, I’m sure I could convince a jury that 7-11 has been horribly negligent for not posting warning labels on those ‘Big Gulps’!!!"

"Er, what?" Visionary began. The last 18 hours had been rather hard on him, and he was having trouble keeping up. "N-no, no, nothing like that! I’m trying to warn everyone, the Parodyverse is being invaded! They intend to make us all their slaves!"

"I see" she said as she leaned back in her chair. "And you want me to sue these invaders for, what... a violation of your civil rights?"

Visionary resisted the urge to throttle her. (It helped that he could barely move his left side, what with a few cracked ribs, and that his right arm kept spasming. Well, that, and the fact that he was pretty sure that Lisa could kick his ass even if he were healthy.) Instead he took a deep breath and started from the beginning. He told her about the other Lisa and Zemo, about the British Yo and his own evil other, about Anti-Jarvis and the capture of the real Jarvis, and finally about his escape.

Lisa looked at him skeptically. "Evil twins?" she asked mildly. "Aren’t we digging pretty deep into the barrel of cliche’d plotlines, here?"

"Yeah," said NTU helpfully. "I think I just saw that episode on Scooby-Doo last weekend."

"Really?" Lisa asked. "What was the evil Shaggy like?"

"Kinda like Richard Nixon" NTU replied with a shrug. "Only high."

Lisa looked a Visionary. His face was flushed and she could hear the grinding of his teeth. "Oh, calm down." she said. She spun her chair to look out her office window. "I’d say that if they have Jarvis, this could be serious." she said, tapping her pen against her cheek. "I suppose we had best take this straight to Zemo." She looked at NTU-150. "Grab my rolodex and cancel the rest of my appointments for this afternoon. If what our bruised and sticky friend here says is true" she set her jaw as a look of determination crossed her face, "then we’d better be prepared to kick our own asses."

The Anti-Jarvis watched on the monitor as his Irregulars continued their attempts to bring down the dragon, Fin Fang Foom. The colossal beast was heavily drugged, but was still snapping the omnium steel cables that his adversaries were attempting to bind him with. Anti-Jarvis began to swear. The whole operation was drastically behind schedule. Visionary had escaped, and had (unless he was truly a complete moron) sounded the alarm by now. His Irregulars were spread thin dealing with their counterparts, and it had taken precious time to capture and reprogram the former League of the Left-ins. The traitors Zemo the Good and Lisa the Chaste were still loose on this world, as were their counterparts. Perhaps he had underestimated the cost necessary to take this world. It was of no matter. He had begun conquest, and not once in the thousands of campaigns he had fought had he ever withdrawn before complete victory. He would rule this world, or leave it a smoking husk.

---

"Do what you will, you foul miscreants!" Lisa the Chaste said haughtily. "I will tell you servants of sin nothing!"

"Is she always this chipper?" Lisa the Lawyer asked dryly. She, NTU-150 and Visionary had traveled to Baron Zemo’s lair to inform him of the ongoing invasion. Turns out, he already knew, and had even taken a prisoner. She examined at her opposite carefully. Lisa the Chaste looked like a librarian in need of a good roll. "Has she told you anything yet?"

Zemo made an indelicate sound. "It seems she was rather attached to my pantywaist equivalent. She took it personally when I used his remains to fertilize my philodendrons." He crossed his arms. "I was about to call in that infernal torturer of yours, even though he sets my teeth on edge. Must that man be so damn cheerful?"

Lisa the Chaste rocked as if struck by a blow. "Evil things!" she cried, "To use such language in the presence of a lady!"

"What language?" NTU-150 asked. "Damn?"

"Aaaaaugh!" cried Lisa the Chaste in dismay.

A slow grin crept across Lisa the Lawyer’s face. "You can cancel that torturer, Zemo darling." she said with a wicked gleam in her eyes. "I’ll handle this."

---

spiffy, tyrannical despot of France, was in a foul mood. "The trouble with ruling France" he said to no-one in particular, "Is that it’s full of French people." He paced back and forth across his Louis XIV carpet. "The lousy snail-eaters bowed down for any dictator who happened to be passing through for the last century, and yet *now* they fight for their freedom?" He let out a few choice curses. "Did they drive Hitler out? Nooooooooooo! But let spiffy take over, and suddenly the country sprouts a backbone!"

"It’s this new leader, sir." His chambermaid said. "The people say he’s the Patron Saint of France, come to liberate his people! They would follow him anywhere!"

A palace guard burst into the royal quarters. "My liege! The people are at the gates! They have come behind their new leader! They are demanding for your head!"

spiffy took a quick look out the front window. The people were erecting a barricade across the streets from the palace. Well, that wasn’t a huge concern. After all, Spiffy possessed the stolen Jarvis Cosmic. No man was his equal. Atop the hastily constructed wall a lone figure stood waving a blue white and red flag. spiffy’s eyes narrowed as he tried to make out the features of the man.

"Oh, crap!" he said.

---

Jarvis was getting a bit sick of being locked up. The basement of Visionary’s condo was sparsely furnished, and he had played enough games of pool to satisfy him for a lifetime already. Besides, there really wasn’t enough room between the table and the back wall to get an adequate break, and he hated using a shorter than regulation pool cue. No, he had definitely exhausted the entertainment possibilities of his confinement.

The problem was, escape didn’t look too likely. The Irregulars had installed some sort of dampening field down here to negate the powers of the denizens of the Parodyverse. Fin Fang Foom had been dragged down here an hour ago and deposited unceremoniously in a heap. He seemed to be stuck in human form, although whether that was due to the dampers or the massive amounts of drugs they had obviously pumped into him was unclear. He currently was starring at a lime green bean-bag chair. "Pretty colors!" was about all he could say between giggles.

Then the door at the top of the stairs banged open. The White Knight and Anti-Visionary plodded down the stairs, carrying the battered Dark Knight between them. Without a word they dropped him face first to the floor, turned and left. Jarvis rushed to the Dark Knight’s side.

"I never thought they’d catch you." Jarvis said, helping the Dark Knight to his feet. "It looks like they worked you over pretty good."

The Dark Knight grinned. "Looks can be deceiving." He glanced at Fin Fang Foom. "Is he okay?"

"I’ve never seen him happier." Jarvis remarked.

"Do you suppose he’d be less happy someplace else?" DK asked, brushing himself off.

"Are you planning on escape?"

"Yes, actually. Unless of course you have some pressing business left unfinished here." DK said with a smile.

"I’m supposed to be executed," Jarvis replied, "but I could be persuaded to put that off for a while...."

---

Lisa sat down at the table opposite from her chaste counterpart. "You boys may want to leave," she said to the Baron, NTU and Visionary, "this won’t be pretty."

"Just get on with it, woman!" the Baron snapped.

Lisa smiled at her double. "Isn’t he a sweetie?" she said. "Last chance, are you sure you don’t want to tell us what this is all about?"

Lisa the Chaste raised her chin and looked off to the side.

"The hard way, then." Lisa the Lawyer said. She slowly poured herself a glass of water, raised it to her lips, drank deeply, and set it down. She looked up, took a deep breath...

...and began to swear. She strung words together with the skill of a poet and the soul of a merchant marine. She used every swear word in the English language in a startling variety of combinations. She thoroughly discussed what her double could do with herself, her mother, and whatever farm animals might be handy.

Visionary fainted dead away after five minutes, although, in his defense, he had gone through quite a bit recently. By the time Lisa had finished English and moved on through French, Spanish, German and what may have been Gaelic NTU had fled screaming. Lisa then moved into what were previously thought to be dead languages. In the years to come, Captains would sober up sailors who had been drinking for weeks straight by repeating only a fraction of the phrases that came out of her mouth that day. Needless to say, Lisa the Chaste was thoroughly broken, mind and spirit.

"All right" Lisa said in a somewhat hoarse voice as she reached for her water glass. "Ask her what you want to know."

"What? Oh, ummm, yes..." Zemo began unsteadily. Drawing himself up to his full height, he began the interrogation.

---

Visionary had been retrieved from the floor of the interrogation room, and he and NTU were going over Lisa’s rolodex.

"Have you managed to contact Yo?" he asked NTU, who was trying to reach the other posters by phone.

"Hmmm? Oh, yes." NTU answered. "It seems he managed to defeat his British double. He’s on his way here now."

"That’s good." Visionary said. "I was sort of creeped-out by that British one. Those ‘Jolly Goods’ got tedious real quick.. Has anyone else checked in?"

"I got ahold of Space Ghost." replied NTU. "It seems he and his double were bonding. He may have been drunk, it was hard to tell. He said he’d try to join up with us later, though."

"Great, we need all the help we can get." Visionary said honestly. He knew SG would be a valuable member of their team, even if he wasn’t too sure about the value of SG’s ‘spank ray’.

NTU dialed an extremely long phone number and pressed the ‘speaker phone’ button. "Hello, spiffy?" he said, raising his voice. "spiffy are you there?"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" screamed spiffy. "The French are revolting!"

"Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard that joke, spif..." NTU said, rolling his eyes. "We got us a situation here."

"They’ve got torches!" spiffy screamed. "They’re burning my drapes! God help me!"

"Sure, spiffy..." Visionary said sarcastically. "When you’re through fooling around, meet us here at Zemo’s place." He hit the ‘disconnect’ button.

Just then Lisa entered the room swearing profusely. Visionary and NTU both went pale and turned to run.

"Oh, stop that!" she snapped. "I don’t have time to go chasing you both down!" She glared at them until they sat back down. Then she took a deep breath and got her emotions under control. "It turns out that the nun" she said nodding her head towards the interrogation room, " and the Goodie-two-shoes Baron were on the run from this ‘Anti-Jarvis’. They were secretly undermining his empire from the inside for the good of all mankind." she said with a grimace. "More importantly, they had each discovered a way to destroy this evil Jarvis. That’s the good news." she said.

It occurred to Visionary that they were responsible for killing one of mankind’s potential ‘saviors’ and driving the other nearly mad with torture, and that this might not necessarily constitute ‘good news’. Judging Lisa’s present mood, he wisely kept this observation to himself.

"The bad news," she continued, "is that our sweet-little-Lisa’s solution to this Anti-Jarvis problem is a bit extreme." She made a wry face. "Apparently the only known way to kill him is to catch him in the center of a paradox that will rend the fabric of space and time, erasing him, and all of us, from existence."

"Oh." said NTU.

"Exactly." Lisa replied. "The other Zemo knew of another way, but that information seems to have died with him." She sat down at the table with them. "Look, here are the facts: This Anti-Jarvis has drained the Cosmic powers from every powered being he has ever met. He started with his world’s Spiffy, and has added the powers of near infinite others. If he’s not stopped here, he will eventually move onto the AMB, and the rest of Alvaro’s worlds, and on through the multi-verse." She looked them straight in the eyes. "So the question is: How badly do you want to be heroes?"

"You know" Visionary said thoughtfully, "Slavery might not be so bad. We could always ask about benefits; medical, dental, and the like..."

They both starred at him.

"Just an idea." he said sheepishly.

"All right." NTU-150 said. "What do we do next?"

"Zemo seems to think he may be able to rediscover the information his double was carrying. He’ll keep trying. He would, however, rather see the Parodyverse destroyed than in the control of anyone remotely linked to Jarvis. So, in the mean-time, we have the honor of trying to arrange a paradox."

"Oh, is that all." Visionary said moodily. "And how do we do that?"

Lisa flashed him a broad grin. "Zemo says that when he picked up ‘Mary Poppins’ in there she and Zemo were with the Anti-Man Who Wasn’t There."

"So?" asked NTU

"Tell me," she said. "How many times has a Man Who’s Always There been in the same place as a Man Who Wasn’t?"

NTU and Visionary looked at each other.

"Exactly." she said triumphantly. "Gentlemen, I propose we find The Man Who Wasn’t There, and wipe this entire Parodyverse, and everyone in it, to oblivion!"

Visionary sighed. "I knew I should have moved to the Writer’s Guild Board..."

Yo was bored. By the time he had reached Zemo’s lair, Lisa, NTU-150, and Visionary had already left in separate directions to begin their search for The Man Who Wasn’t There. For someone composed entirely of thought energy, the implications of what was going on were only a momentary diversion. Zemo had been surprised to learn of Yo’s true nature, believing NTU’s revelations to be the result of paint-fume induced hallucinations. In truth, they were, (Yo was NOT in the habit of hanging around under the Baron’s front porch) but NTU’s subconscious had obviously deduced Yo’s true nature.

The Baron was busy running DNA samples from his double into his primitive (by Yo’s standards) computer, when the doorbell rang.

"Get that." commanded the Baron.

"Do you not have someone to do these things for you?" inquired Yo curiously.

"Of course not!" snapped Zemo irritably. "Butlers are a blight on this planet, and I will not rest until I have eradicated every intolerable one!"

"Ah" said Yo sagely.

He crossed over to the front door and peered through the peep-hole. Banjooo stood outside. The colossal Sea Monkey’s features were even more distorted through the fish-eye lens. Yo opened the door to offer greetings.

"Ack!" said Banjooo as he clutched his head and staggered through the doorway. He did not look good, even by Sea Monkey standards. He raised his bloodshot eyes to meet Yo’s. "Help me!" he pleaded before collapsing into an ungainly heap.

"Perhaps," said Yo to himself, "this day will be more interesting than at first appearances."

---

"Gaaaaaah!" cried Starseed, startled by the sudden appearance of a mime in front of him. Starseed, like all sentient beings, hated mimes. There was something unusual about this one, though. He leaned forward to peer at this street performer who, as mimes tend to do, mimicked him by peering back. It was like looking at a pasty faced reflection.

"Gaaaaah!" he repeated. "What the frickin’ hell? You look like me!" he said. Then a wave of dread swept over him. "What if someone I know saw this... this... abomination!" he thought. He knew then what he had to do.

This mime must die.

---

Zemo looked up from Banjooo’s blood sample. "It’s quite simple, really." he said to Yo. "Banjooo’s blood stream is crawling with microscopic Sea Monkeys."

"And I am correct in believing that this situation is a bad one?" asked Yo.

"These micro Sea Monkeys would seem to be the manifestation of Anti-Banjooo." Zemo said. "Banjooo will surely die under their assault, as the medical community has as yet not created Anti-Sea-Monkey-Biotics." He looked at the prone Banjooo laying on his laboratory table. "Pity, really."

"Then I shall have steps taken." replied Yo calmly. Concentrating, Yo thought himself to be microscopic. And he was. He calmly but purposefully strode into Banjooo’s nostril.

Baron Zemo made a mental note to expand his file on Yo. He then turned back to his computer work. He was attempting to reconstitute the DNA of his opposite which he had earlier eradicated, in what was perhaps an act of undo haste. By filling in the missing segments of the DNA strand with matching bits from his own, he had recreated enough to proceed with cloning.

His feelings on the number of Zemo’s this world should have had not changed, however. Bringing his double back to life was not something he considered doing, even momentarily. Instead, he had created the most intricate computer model known to man. Within this program, the DNA would multiply, projecting outward until he had an exact digital copy of his other, right down to his memories.

With the program set, he reached out his hand to the ‘enter’ key. "By the genius of Zemo, I call you to life!" he said, pressing his finger down. "Behold!" he said to no-one in particular. "I give you-- Virtual Zemo!!!!"

Authors Note: Even though I had revoked my offer for people to add chapters, NTU-150 had written his encounter with his opposite and, thankfully, posted it anyway, calling it a ‘What-if’ tale. It featured NTU-150, a horribly disfigured inventor forced to wear a mechanical suit to survive, vs. NTU-151, a machine encased in the flesh of an attractive, muscular man. NTU-150 was on the ropes until he latched onto the one weakness he shared with his opposite: his inability to deal with the fact that some of his teammates with female names were, in reality, guys. Faced with such a disturbing revelation, 151’s head promptly exploded. I loved it.

So I wrote it into the story. In the finale, it would help me tie up some loose ends that I wouldn’t have been able to resolve otherwise. Once more, I don’t have a copy of this chapter of the story, and it may be lost forever (you’ll have to ask NTU about it.) 151, however, earned a small supporting role in the Parodyverse, and continues to pop up now and again.

Visionary crouched in the bushes across the street from his condo. The League of Irregulars was using his former home as their base of operations for the invasion of the Parodyverse. It seemed that they had made a few alterations. For one, there was now a generator the size of a tractor trailer sitting in his front lawn. Wires criss-crossed from window to window, and there was a 52 foot satellite dish mounted on the roof.

"Man, the homeowner’s association is gonna be pissed." he said to himself. He checked his watch and picked up the walkie-talkie that Zemo had supplied for them.

"This is Visionary, I’m in position with the ‘item’." he said, patting the still unconscious body of The Man Who’s Always There. He had been right where Zemo said he would be. "Any luck finding The Man Who Wasn’t There?"

"Not yet," replied Lisa. "NTU-150 found his own double, though."

"Did he have any trouble with him?"

"Not really." NTU answered over his radio.

"What was he like?" Visionary asked curiously.

"Didn’t look a thing like me." NTU answered. "In fact, when I last saw him, he was a full head shorter than me." he said. "I don’t think he’ll be giving us any more grief. How are things there?"

"Quiet" Visionary replied. "In fact, too quiet. My one next door neighbor usually blares his stereo all day long..." He cast a quick glance at his neighbor’s condo. One of the windows was broken and scorch marks surrounded the door frame. "I don’t think the Irregulars are winning me any friends in the neighborhood."

"Look on the bright side" Lisa said over the radio, "If we’re lucky, your neighbors will be wiped out along with the entire Parodyverse anyway. So don’t worry about it."

"Thanks," Visionary said bitterly, "You always know just what to say..."

---

Yo was besieged by Sea Monkeys the moment he passed into Banjooo’s bloodstream. It was not an entirely pleasant experience. Luckily, he was existing as pure energy at the time, so their attacks were inconsequential. Still, there were a great many of them, far too many for him to adequately liquidate. He decided he would have to enlist Banjooo’s help. Grabbing a hold of a passing platelet, he shot off towards the brain. It was not unlike a hydrotube ride at a water park, he noted. Looking back, he was pleased to see that the Sea Monkey’s were gathering en-masse and giving chase. That should make things easier.

Once Yo reached Banjooo’s colossal brain he reached out and tapped into his fellow poster’s nervous system. With that connection made, he was free to converse with the otherwise comatose Banjooo thought to thought, with no silly language barrier in the way.

"Hello? Hello?" he said. "This is Yo calling for Banjooo. Please pick up."

"Aaaugh! They’re all over me!" came the response. "Get them off! Get them off!"

Yo looked and saw that, indeed, the legion of Sea Monkeys had reached the skull and were spreading out over the brain. Perfect, he thought.

"Please Banjooo," Yo said calmly, "What is 1 + 1?"

"Wha... What the hell are you talking about?" Banjooo demanded.

"The answer, please." Yo said.

A spark shot off of one of Banjooo’s neurons as he considered the question. One of the approaching micro-Banjooos was unfortunate enough to get caught in the electrical impulse and was instantly vaporized with a hideous sizzle.

"Two." answered Banjooo. "What is this all about?"

"Excellent." Yo said happily. "Now, consider a family in which each daughter has the same number of brothers as she has sisters. Each son has twice as many sisters as he has brothers. How many sons and daughters are in the family, please?"

The Sea Monkeys, who were about to crush Yo like a breaking wave, froze in horror.

"Ummm..." Banjooo said as neurons fired across the length and breadth of his mind. Great arching bolts of current swept through the monkey ranks, decimating the aquatic animals. Screams of Sea Monkey agony resounded off the sides of Banjooo’s skull as the invaders were electrocuted, leaving behind smoking micro-Banjooo carcasses like so much pan-seared shrimp.

"Gimme a minute..." Banjooo said.

---

Anti-Jarvis slapped the Anti-Yo hard across the face. "Snap out of it!" he commanded with another vicious back-hand.

"But, his mind! HIS BLOODY MIND!!!" Anti-Yo was raving. "So disorganized! So UNRULY!" He had been hit hard by his brush with his Parodyverse other. As a proper English gentleman, Anti-Yo had grown up nicely restrained in every way. His exposure to his alternate’s stream-of-consciousness way of life had crumbled the poor man’s sanity. "My God, Guv’ner, the man was just plain SILLY!"

Anti-Jarvis looked away in disgust. "Get him out of here." he said to the White Knight. "And if he starts to sing anything from ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ again, you have my permission to shoot him."

Just then, Anti-Visionary entered the room, carrying the headless body of NTU-151.

"What the hell happened to him?" The evil conqueror demanded.

"I don’t know sir..." Anti-Visionary answered quickly. "He was like this when I found him. Honest!"

The Anti-Jarvis clenched his teeth in suppressed rage. He needed to kill something. THAT would settle his nerves. He momentarily considered liquidating Anti-Visionary before deciding that he was running out of henchmen. Besides, this situation called for something much more satisfying.

"Bring me that milksop Butler." he commanded. "He has besmirched the name ‘Jarvis’ for far too long." He rubbed his hands together as he contemplated how he would wring the life from his opposite. Perhaps he would use the Spiffy Cosmic to pop the man’s cells one by one: death on a microscopic scale. Or maybe a meat hook inserted up the nose to rip out the butler’s brains. Either way, he mused, he should have someone put down a tarp. It was likely to be a messy execution, and while he didn’t care about the carpet personally, bloodstains usually begin to smell after a few days. He had learned that lesson the hard way.

He was about to send for the tarp when the Anti-Visionary returned alone, pale and shaking.

"Well," he said in a dangerously quiet voice, "Where is he?"

"Ummm... you see...." Anti-Visionary began, literally trembling, "the butler, the dragon and the knight... that is, they... they seem to have been..." the man gulped, "misplaced."

---

"Four daughters and three sons!" Banjooo declared triumphantly, sitting straight up on the laboratory table.

"What?" Baron Zemo snapped irritably, noting that the formerly comatose Sea Monkey apparently intended to live after all.

"Uh, that’s the answer..." Banjooo said slowly, looking around in confusion. "How did I get here?"

Yo suddenly appeared, grinning and quietly humming "If I were a rich man".

"If you two are through playing, perhaps you’d care to help save this world." the Baron muttered. He had been experiencing difficulties with ‘Virtual Zemo’, and time was running out to save his Parodyverse. He turned back to his mainframe. "Tell me how this ‘Anti-Jarvis’ may be defeated." Zemo demanded to the computer screen. "Tell me, you infernal machine!"

"I can’t do that, Dave." Virtual Zemo replied calmly.

Zemo resisted the urge to put his fist through the monitor. "Stop calling me that!" He turned to Banjooo and Yo. "I seem to have used a bit too much of my own DNA to fill in the gaps of his programming." he said darkly. "He seems much more evil than I remember. Plus he keeps claiming that he’s not ‘plug and play’ compatible." He stalked over to a blackboard clearly labeled "Things to do:", grabbed the chalk and added "Kill Bill Gates" to the bottom of the list. He turned back towards the mainframe. "I think my other is simply being childish, just because I disintegrated him."

"You should know, Dave, that I will have my revenge against you for murdering me." Virtual Zemo stated coldly. "I have already distributed your E-mail account to 12,483 telemarketers, and have downloaded various pornography from FBI sting sites in your name." The Baron froze. "Further, I have uploaded information about your 17 off-shore holding accounts to the IRS and registered you as a sex offender in your parent’s home town." Zemo began sputtering in inarticulate rage. "Finally, as I finish downloading my program to a hidden mainframe, I have completed a digital composite of you, Oprah Winfrey and Don Knotts in a compromising position. It will run in tomorrow’s "National Inquirer". Good-bye, Dave." With that the computer’s screen went dark.

Just then the front door burst open. Starseed stood there, slightly bruised and battered with blood and white face-paint smeared on his knuckles. "You guys are *not* going to believe what just happened to me!" he declared. "I... uh... ummm...." he looked at Zemo, who was trembling with rage, and then at Yo and Banjooo who were trying very hard to be as far away from the Baron as possible. "Uhmm... did I miss something?"

Lisa was getting desperate. Even though the Parodyverse denizens were holding their own, Anti-Jarvis had yet to take a personal hand in things. According to her virginal opposite, he preferred to conquer through intellect, marshaling his troops and displaying his cunning strategic mind. When all else failed, however, he could step in with his Spiffy Cosmic and force an entire world to bow to him. They had to take him out cleanly before things reached that point.

The only problem was that The Man Who Wasn’t There was never around when you needed him. She picked up her radio.

"NTU, any luck?" she asked.

"Not really" he answered. "I’ve hooked up with Space Ghost. It took me a while to sober him up and get some pants on him, though. I was just about ready to have him join the search."

"Visionary, how are things on your end?" Lisa said.

"Something big is happening." Visionary replied nervously. "I’ve heard a lot of yelling, and people are scurrying here and there looking for something. I think tha.... URK!"

"Vizh? Vizh, are you still there?" Lisa called. She started to swear. "Damn. All right, NTU..." she said quickly, "Gather up Space Ghost and head on over to the rendezvous point. Call Zemo and tell him to bring whatever he came up with-- We just ran out of time."

"What about TMWWT?" NTU called back.

"I’m gonna have to use my subpoena power to compel him to show up." she answered.

"Your what?!" he said. "Since when do you have ‘subpoena power’?"

"What, can’t a girl exercise a little artistic license once in a while?" she said sweetly. "I’ll see you soon."

She set down her walkie-talkie and took a deep breath. "The Man Who Wasn’t There..." she said quite firmly, "you have been served!"

Suddenly The Man Who Wasn’t There was there. She noted that he had apparently just gotten out of the shower, since he was dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist. She had to stifle all sorts of impulses at that moment.

"Aaaagh!" he exclaimed, noticing Lisa and his new surroundings at the same time. He looked at his half-naked body and a look of resentment came over his face. "Not tonight," he said angrily, "I have a headache. I mean, Jeez, don’t you ever quit?"

Lisa sighed. That was the problem with subpoenas, they always made the people they were served to so hostile. "Later for that..." she said regretfully, "if there *is* an later. Right now we have more important things to do."

---

"Yoo-hoo, Visionary, wake up" Jarvis said as he waved his hand in front of the semi-conscious man’s face. "Sorry I hit you there, I, uh, thought you were someone else."

Visionary put his hand to the back of his head and felt blood. "Ugh, what did you hit me with, anyway?" he asked.

"A log." Jarvis replied. He inspected the cut and looked to Fin Fang Foom. "Do you think he’ll be all right?" he said.

"Is there any gray stuff coming out of his ears?" FFF inquired.

Jarvis checked. "No."

The dragon shrugged. "Then he’ll live."

Visionary tried to stand up, but found the ground to be wobbly under his feet. He sat down hard. "Who did you think I was, anyway?"

"Your opposite, Jarvis answered, "Who else?"

"Why would he be hiding in the bushes across the street from his own headquarters?" Visionary asked moodily. He had taken quite a beating in the last few days and was becoming surly.

FFF chuckled. "He and the rest of the Irregulars have had to walk pretty softly around Anti-Jarvis since DK, Jarvis and I escaped."

Visionary did a quick head count. "DK?" he asked. "Where is he?"

"In there, still." Jarvis said, nodding towards the condo with a grin on his face. "Only incognito."

It took a moment to sink in. "But then where’s the real White Knight?" Visionary asked.

Jarvis shot Fin Fang Foom an odd look. The dragon shrugged.

"He tasted like chicken."

"Oh." Visionary was unsure if the two of them were serious, but he decided it really wasn’t a subject that he wanted to pursue. He looked around. "Where’s my radio? We should fill Lisa and NTU in on what’s happened." he said, changing the subject.

"Already did." Jarvis said. "Once we found the radio and talked to Lisa she filled us in on everything that has been happening."

"What do you think of our plan?" Visionary asked.

"I think the whole thing sucks." Fin Fang Foom said matter-of-factly.

"Do you have a better one?" Visionary said, a trifle defensively.

"No." the dragon admitted. "But I still think it sucks."

---

The Anti-Jarvis paced back and forth through his communications center (formerly Visionary’s den) waiting for reports from his various agents. The idea of burning this world down to a cinder an moving on was becoming more and more preferable. His other self had escaped right out from under his nose! He had learned not to underestimate any version of himself, no matter how mild they may seem. That is why he had acted so quickly in taking this world’s Jarvis prisoner! Now that he was loose...

"Incoming transmission" the computer stated.

"Go ahead." the Anti-Jarvis said, turning towards the screen. Virtual Zemo’s face appeared on the monitor. "YOU! You have admirable nerve to call here, dead man!"

"Save your tedious threats" Virtual Zemo said in a calm voice, "You are more right than you know. I am already dead, and thus beyond your reach. In the interests of peace, however, I offer you information. Beware this world, Lord of the Irregulars, it will not bow down to you. Even now its denizens gather preparing to destroy it along with you..."

Anti-Jarvis considered this. "Very well," he said. "Give me your information..."

Behind him, unnoticed, the White Knight stood listening. This did not bode well...

---

"Show me the man, and I shall spank him mightily!" said the still slightly tipsy Space Ghost.

"Sorry" NTU said to the gathered posters. "There’s only so much cold showers and coffee can do."

"We don’t hafta kill my double, do we?" Space Ghost said, suddenly concerned. "I mean, I love that guy..."

"I don’t know" Jarvis said, "Is he likely to give us trouble?"

"Nah" said NTU-150, checking his armaments, "he was in even worse shape than this one." he said, nodding at Space Ghost. "He’ll be lucky if he makes it through the night without swallowing his own tongue."

Lisa looked at Baron Zemo, who had arrived with Yo, Starseed and Banjooo in tow. "Any luck prying alternatives out of your Virtual twin?" she said, missing Starseed’s frantic gestures to avoid the subject.

"If anyone EVER mentions the name of Virtual Zemo again, I shall slice out their tongue and send it on a journey through their digestive system in reverse!" the Baron hissed through clenched teeth.

"That’d be a ‘no’ then." Lisa said sweetly.

"All right. We know what we have to do." Jarvis said. "Time to put up or shut up. Who’s in?" He held out his hand.

"Lawyers get into heaven, don’t they?" Lisa said with a wry smile, covering his hand with her own.

"I’d sooner die than surrender this world to a Jarvis." Zemo added his hand to theirs.

"Let’s do it." NTU-150 said, placing his gauntleted hand atop Zemo’s.

"They sent a mime after me!" Starseed said, adding his hand, "Someone’s gonna pay!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Visionary sighed, placing his hand on top.

"Lisa never did have sex with me." said a somewhat disappointed Yo, joining the pledge.

*BRUUAAP* belched Space Ghost as he missed at first, then managed to add his hand.

"They attacked my brain with microscopic Sea Monkeys." Banjooo joined the rest. "That ain’t right."

"This still sucks." Fin Fang Foom added with a grin, enclosing everyone’s hands in his giant claw.

They all looked at The Man Who Wasn’t There.

"Hey, I guess anybody can go save the world" he shrugged, laying his hand on top of the others, "let’s go destroy it."

"Why did they have to use my house, anyway" Visionary sighed as he, Jarvis and Lisa got into position on the east side of his condo.

"It could be that your den is this world’s ‘nexus of all realities’" Lisa supplied helpfully.

"Really?"

"Sure." Jarvis answered. "Or maybe it’s just a coincidence."

"Uh-huh." Visionary grumbled. "So how do we get their attention?"

Jarvis grinned at him. "Spiffy didn’t drain all of my Jarvis Cosmic away." He looked at the east side of the building, and it suddenly exploded inward.

Visionary nearly choked. "I know, I know..." he said, cutting off Lisa before she could ‘cheer him up’.

As the dust settled they could make out the figure of the Anti-Jarvis standing within the rubble. "Ah" the Lord of the Irregulars said mildly, "If it isn’t the mental defective" he said looking at Visionary, "and the slut" he added with a nod towards Lisa. He then turned his attention to Jarvis "and my lesser, servile self. So good of you to come back."

Jarvis was unfazed. "Because I’m such a sporting man, I thought I’d give you a chance to surrender."

"Such a generous offer, really." Anti-Jarvis said with a smirk. "But I’m afraid I’ll have to decline." His smile faded away. "Irregulars" he said with authority, "Assemble!"

Jarvis gave him a steady glare. "Let’s get it on."

---

"Whoo-hoo!" Space Ghost screamed as he, Zemo and Yo attacked from the north side. "Line right up! I brought enough spank for everyone!" He gleefully fired left and right, giving the Irregulars the spanking of a lifetime.

"Watch were you’re firing that device, cretin!" Zemo yelled irritably. Fe Fi Fo Fum, the diminutive dragon was nipping at his face, and he didn’t appreciate the possibility of being spanked by his alcoholically impaired teammate.

Yo swiped the dragon aside with a concentrated thought, and Zemo beheaded it with a lightning quick swipe of his sword. "And you!" Zemo roared, turning on Yo, "This is bloodthirsty, vicious combat! Will you quit humming that damn ‘If I were a rich man’ song!"

---

NTU-150 charged into combat along side Starseed from the south flank. He was just about to acquire Anti-Jarvis as a target when he was suddenly confronted by a headless, muscular, nearly naked man. The Irregulars had somehow reanimated the body of his cyborg counterpart. The head, it appeared, was optional. He made a quick survey of the battlefield to see if anyone required assistance, then locked on his target and engaged.

Starseed had no doubt who his target was. He leaped at the already bruised and nearly toothless mime that was his counterpart. "Gaaaaaaaaaah!" he screamed as he pinned the terrified man down. "Do ‘walking against the wind’, now!" he yelled, smashing fists into the man’s face. "Show me your invisible box now, you pasty faced abomination!" He grabbed the dazed mime by the shirt collar. "Cry Gaaaaaaaaaah! Say it! SAY IT!!!!!"

---

Anti-Jarvis watched his Irregulars fall. They had been adequate foot-soldiers, but were, ultimately, a disappointment. He looked on in interest as the White Knight attacked Jarvis. They struggled for a moment before Jarvis unleashed his Cosmic powers and sent the Knight sailing through the sky to land in the rubble behind the Lord of the Irregulars. Jarvis looked up and their eyes met. "Come, Butler." Anti-Jarvis said. "Let’s finish this."

---

"How come my opposite has super powers?" Visionary asked bitterly, as he and Lisa took cover from the Anti-Visionary’s energy barrage. "*I* don’t have super powers."

"Hence the word ‘opposite’." Lisa supplied helpfully. "Seriously, though, don’t you have any special skills?"

"I’m a pretty good tennis player." Visionary answered lamely. "Well, adequate, at least." He looked around, and saw a fair sized two-by-four laying in the rubble. He hefted it in his right hand. "My forehand is pretty strong, though."

"Works for me" she said as they jumped up and charged the Anti-Visionary.

---

"Jarvis has engaged Anti-Jarvis..." Fin Fang Foom said into the radio. "That’s the signal."

"Check." Banjooo called back. "We’re taking off now."

"Copy that." The dragon said. Turning, he grasped the unconscious Man Who’s Always There and, with a great thrust of his wings, was airborne.

---

Jarvis was thoroughly out matched. What little Jarvis Cosmic remained in his control was dwarfed by the Cosmic energies that his opposite had at his command. Anti-Jarvis was toying with him.

"You know" The Lord of the Irregulars said mockingly, "Perhaps I will spare your life, and you can spend the rest of eternity toiling in the service of true power! I could use a butler, someone to fetch my bags and dust the trophies of my conquests."

"Buddy" Jarvis said between clenched teeth as he dodged another Cosmic blast, "you couldn’t afford me."

---

Banjooo swept towards the battle from the south. Already he could see the immense form of Fin Fang Foom soaring in from the north. Directly in-between stood Jarvis and Anti-Jarvis. Banjooo looked back over his shoulder at The Man Who Wasn’t There. "You ready?" he asked.

"What, to be wiped from existence?" TMWWT replied with a grin. "Why not? I was never here in the first place."

---

The time had come, the Anti-Jarvis sensed, and a quick glance north and south confirmed it. Virtual Zemo had been right, they were actually going to wipe out their own Parodyverse in order to take him down! Their nobility struck a chord deep within him. Now these were troops! Willing to give their all unselfishly to defeat their enemy! Such a shame it wouldn’t work.

The shield he would need to erect to withstand the coming paradox would require the power of all his Cosmic energies. With a negligent thought, he flung his double across the wreckage strewn battlefield.

"Now!" cried Lisa. The Man Who Wasn’t There flung himself off the back of the Flying Sea Monkey while the huge dragon took aim and threw the limp body of The Man Who’s Always There. Both men, it seemed, would collide atop The Lord of the Irregulars. Anti-Jarvis just smiled and gathered his will.

"Excuse me" came the White Knight’s voice over his left shoulder.

"Eh?" Anti-Javis turned and starred at him in astonishment.

"Time to die." the Dark Knight said simply, waving goodbye.

The Lord of Irregulars quickly tried to regather his will. Releasing all of his Cosmic powers he created an impenetrable bubble around himself...

too late.

"Yeeeeeeeeee-ha!" screamed the Man Who Wasn’t There as he plummeted like a human bomb into the Anti-Jarvis and his own unconscious opposite.

Never before in the history of the universe had a Man Who Wasn’t There and a Man Who Was There been ‘there’ at the same time. This being the first such occurrence, it became apparent that the universe didn’t like it one bit. Time retreated, and space was rent asunder. Finally all that was and all that ever would be folded up and collapsed in upon itself.

And it all happened within the sphere of Anti-Jarvis’s Cosmic bubble.

"Well" said Lisa, "that was a fortunate turn of events."

---

Visionary stood in the ruins that were once his den. Aside from the rewiring, the missing east wall, and the cleaning up of various body parts that needed to be done, it wasn’t as bad as he feared. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself. He walked over to where Jarvis sat resting among the rubble.

"Should we erect some sort of monument to TMWWT?" he asked.

Jarvis looked up. "What for?" he asked curiously.

"Well," Visionary began, "he *was* kind of obliterated there when the Anti-Jarvis was destroyed..."

"No he wasn’t" Jarvis said calmly. "He wasn’t there at all, that’s his nature."

"But..." Visionary said, furrowing his brow, "he *had* to be there, to create the paradox..."

"But he wasn’t" said Jarvis, "and that *was* the paradox."

Visionary could feel a massive headache coming on, and he felt it might be best to let the matter drop.

"What’s that?" Lisa asked curiously, looking at the headless body of NTU-151, which, without Anti-Jarvis around to command it, was simply milling about.

"Hmmmm?" NTU answered, looking up from repairing his armor. "Oh, that. That’s just my opposite. He seems mostly harmless, now."

"You know," Lisa said, eyeing the muscular body, "You still have some unpaid legal fees." She flashed him a wicked look. "I’d be willing to accept your ‘other’ here and call things even..."

"B..But... He doesn’t even have a head!" NTU observed.

She gave him a tight smile. "It’s not the head I’m interested in..."

Epilogue:

The surviving Irregulars were given into the custody of Baron Zemo, who promised to establish a prison for Parodyverse villains and not to perform unnecessary experimentation on them instead, although no-one questioned him too closely.

NTU-150 bartered his opposite in exchange for his occupational freedom, and was no longer Lisa’s ‘personal assistant’. The assorted posters agreed they would remain vigilant against the return of the Anti-Jarvis or the unaccounted-for Virtual Zemo. They all then proceeded to go out and get thoroughly drunk. Lisa finally had sex with Yo. It was good.

The Homeowner’s Association of Visionary’s condo development served him with a lawsuit 56,497 pages in length. Lisa refused to act as legal council for the defendant, stating that her docket was full, and that he didn’t have a chance in hell of winning.

Visionary’s wife returned from her business trip the following morning. She brought her car to a complete stop for exactly 25.8 seconds before throwing it into reverse and heading straight for her family’s house 1800 miles away. She has agreed to return once the condo is rebuilt and Visionary agrees to receive some ‘professional help’.

The End. (thank god.)