“Mr van Steiner,” Hale began. “In Genesis of the Gods you claim that millions of years ago primate evolution was interrupted by the scientific interference of an advanced extraterrestrial race, effectively shaping us into what we have become today. You further claim that virtually every major change in human society has been prompted by alien interference, and that these entities will return again to judge on the worthiness of their creations.”

     “That’s right, Monty,” smiled van Steiner telegenically. “It’s no secret by now that the government has covered up dozens of alien invasions of our planet in the last fifty years alone. There was  that security flap down at Cape Canaveral for example, and that alien arena that appeared and disappeared in Central Park. Some say the bizarre Inhuman sect that was on Atlantis was an alien experiment gone wrong. Hell, even some of the superhero community claim to be aliens, like that Starfox guy with the Avengers and that woman who married the Human Torch.”

     “I knew that wouldn’t last when I saw her wedding dress,” Sersi contributed. “I mean I was willing to let it slide because back then she’d shape-shifted into the form of Alicia     Masters and everyone knows dear Alicia’s blind so we have to make exceptions, but really…”
 
    “What Mr van Steiner’s not saying,” Amelia Rumford interrupted abruptly, “is that in his entire book there is not one shred of evidence amongst the conjecture, half-truths, and poorly understood archaeological data for these populist paranoid fantasies.”
 
    “Fantasies?” van Steiner flashed back. “Then what about those claims about the politician H. Warren Craddock transforming into an extraterrestrial in front of a crowd of thousands, eh?”
 
    “It was near election time,” snorted Rumford. “Some politicians will try anything for publicity.”
 
     “And a hundred foot tall floating giant constructing a world-eating device on top of the Baxter Building?” van Steiner challenged.
 
    “Swamp gas,” Yuri Kresskin contributed for the first time. “In a world of superheroes all kinds of illusions are possible.” He spoke with a thick Eastern European accent and glared at van Steiner as if daring him to disagree.
 
    “Sersi, alien interference in human destiny, fact or fiction?” Montague Hale asked the superheroine.

     “That’s a debate I often have with my family,” Sersi smiled. “I read your book, Galen, and I thought it was incredibly poorly-written, ill-researched rubbish. But your conclusions
were pretty much accidentally on the mark. Earth got visited by the Celestial Host who mutated the indigenous primate species to create three distinct evolutionary branches as they did on lots of worlds, the humans, the Eternals, and the Deviants. And they came back and checked up twice. When the Fourth Host arrives they’ll have to evaluate their experiment, and we’re all in big trouble.”

     “Now you’re making unfounded fantasy statements,” snorted Professor Rumford.

     “Not really. I’m an Eternal, you see, although my family’s going to go completely nuts because I’ve announced it again on TV – which is mainly why I’m doing it of course. What we don’t know is whether the Celestials transformed normal humans into Eternals and Deviants, or whether they created what we call normal humans as well. Was Homo Sapiens a control to the experiment or part of the whole deal?”

     “There has never been conclusive evidence of the existence of Eternals or Deviants either,” Kresskin frowned.

     “Then what about the secret catacombs of ancient tunnels riddling the Earth, filled with bizarre forgotten technology?” van Steiner challenged.

     “You have no proof at all,” the anthropologist scoffed. “Your book is a cheap attempt to cash in on public credulity, millennial apocalyptic fever, and people who believe in alien abductions.”

    “Alien abductions are okay, depending on which aliens abduct you,” Sersi considered. “I got abducted by Thane Ector once and that was pretty entertaining, in a handcuffs-and-leather sort of way. On the other hand, Skrulls or Kree – yeuch!”

     “I do have proof,” Galen van Steiner insisted. “I have a piece of genuine alien technology, discarded by the very aliens who first tampered with human evolution.”

Montague Hale brought the audience up to speed. “In Genesis of the Gods, Mr van Steiner describes how he came into possession of a genuine alien artefact actually used to change our ancestors into what we are today. We’ll be back with this right after this break.”

     “Off air,” the studio manager called.

     “Live television is so exciting, isn’t it?” Sersi asked Professor Rumford.

     “You don’t really believe all that stuff about being an Eternal do you?” the white-haired old woman in the rumpled tweed suit asked. “I mean, it’s just a sort of gimmick like Thor pretending to be a Norse deity, right?”

     “Jason asked me the same thing at Aeaea,” the mischievous matter-manipulator twinkled. “I gave him the same answer.”

     “Jason… the Argonaut?” Rumford checked.

     “Back on in three… two… one…”
 
    “Welcome back. I’m Monty Hale, and we’re here with Galen van Steiner who claims he’s got proof positive of extraterrestrial contact with Earth. How did you get an alien device, Mr van Steiner?”

     “Every schoolchild knows about the Fantastic Four’s journey to the moon,” the writer replied, “to the mysterious Blue Area that is constantly shrouded from our telescopes by lunar dust. Some will remember that Dr Richards and his team were met and opposed there by a Russian operative, Ivan Kragoff, who went on to become the notorious Red Ghost.”

     “Yes, the Avengers spanked him,” Sersi contributed.

     “Kragoff returned to the Blue Area several times, and on one such occasion returned with a piece of technology he had found there. He claimed to have discovered it in a ruined alien city hidden from our world. But he never got to examine it because he fell foul of Iron Man. When his impounded goods were sold at police auction I acquired the alien gadget for a song.”

     “The Kree did somehow use left-over Celestial technology to create the Inhumans,” Sersi said, more to herself than anyone else.

     “My own investigations have determined that this may be one of the very genetic-altering artefacts which ancient aliens used to transmute mere beasts into humans – and perhaps more than humans,” concluded van Steiner triumphantly.

     “That’s a useless conclusion without peer evaluation and the production of the evidence,” snapped Amelia Rumford.

     “OK, Professor, then perhaps you’d like to take a look at the gizmo?” van Steiner shot back. “I happen to have it with me right here, right now!” The writer reached under his chair, pulled out a briefcase, and extracted a heavy silicate slab shaped like a giant coin. It was carved on both sides, with slots that seemed at first sight to be for some kind of tubes or jack-plus. Veins of mineral swirled over the surface like circuitry.

     “You have it here,” breathed Yuri Kresskin. “Give it to me.”

     “I’m examining the piece, Dr Kresskin,” Rumford reprimanded him sharply.

The anthropologist stood up, took his particle disintegrator from his jacket pocket, and pointed it at the Cambridge scholar. “I said give it to me,” he repeated. “I have been seeking this particular device for a long time.”

     “Excuse me,” Sersi interrupted, still sitting back in her chair, “I absolutely hate being ignored. I take it there’s something in your dastardly masterplan to take into account that I’m the world’s most powerful superheroine and that I could transform you into a slug and step on you?”

The men in black amongst the audience rose up and pointed their weapons at the people in the studio. “If you interfere, my men will fire upon the hostages,” Kresskin answered.

     “I see,” scowled Sersi. “And were you going to shock me by revealing yourself as a Deviant now or later in the scenario?”

That one seemed to get Kresskin off balance. “How did you know?” he muttered angrily.

     “Can’t fool the foremost – and only – fifth level adept molecular manipulator of the Eternal race,” Sersi chided him. “Your crude molecular-splicing disguise gave the game away. Well, that and the B.O. I suppose you want the Celestial device to breed a powerful new race of Deviants who will conquer the planet, crushing all opposition, etc.?”

     “Er, yes,” admitted Kresskin.

     “Aliens!” shrieked van Steiner. “Aliens! Aliens! Aliens are stealing my device! Aliens!”

     “Oh shut up,” scorned Rumford. “So you claim to be another of these modified races, Dr Kresskin?”

     “I claim nothing. I am a Deviant, the true inheritors of this world. With this device I shall transform every other creature on this planet to be a Deviant too, human and Eternal alike.”

     “And that will make people put you in charge because…?” Sersi wondered.

That one puzzled Kresskin for a moment, but he finally came up with an answer, “Because
otherwise I shall devolve them all into paramecium!”

     “Yes,” considered Sersi, “I could imagine you being able to boss around a bunch of paramecium.”

     “Give me the device!” Kresskin screamed at Rumford.

     “Shall I give it to him?” Rumford asked Sersi, deferring to the superhero present given the circumstances.

     “One of us will,” promised the Eternal. “Mr Hale, are the cameras still running?”

     “I… I guess so,” the chat show host answered.

     “Good. I’d hate my fans to miss this,” Sersi moued. “Deviant disintegrators, right, Kresskin? Designed to disrupt an Eternal’s molecular cohesion, discorporating their atoms for weeks or months before they can reform? And I bet you’ve got some Brain Mines hidden away somewhere as well, right?”

     “Give… me… the… device!” screamed the Deviant.

     “Delicate things, those disruptors,” Sersi continued. “Just transform the main coil from metal to mineral and they blow up in your hands as you try to use them. Did I mention I was the Eternal’s premiere molecular manipulator?”

     “You cannot bluff me,” Kresskin snarled. “My men will kill the hostages one by one until you surrender the artefact.”

     “Aliens!” whimpered van Steiner. “Don’t probe me!”

     “Of course, I have other powers as well,” Sersi smiled. “Eye-beams…” (and she suddenly blasted one of the Men in Black from across the room), “flight…” (she moved like a blur, disabling another of the Deviants before he could even bring his weapon to bear), “enhanced strength…” (a third villain passed through the rear wall), “cosmic beams…” (another Man in Black was blown into the floor by a concussive bolt from the Eternal’s hand), “illusions…” (a Deviant started screaming about serpents crawling over him until a gentle tap from Sersi put him out of his misery), “levitation…” (the penultimate Man in Black had got a disintegrator lock on the heroine when he suddenly found himself propelled through the roof at seventy miles per hour), “and did I mention eye-beams?” (the final adversary wont down the same way the first one had).

     “That’s far enough,” Kresskin shouted, his weapon to van Steinen’s head. “Stay still until I attach a Brain Mine to you, or he dies!”

     “Kill him,” Sersi decided. “He’s not that good a writer.”

     “What?” gasped Amelia Rumford. “You can’t…”

     “Oh it’s alright,” Sersi assured her. “I couldn’t do all the Deviant weapons in time, but Kresskin’s was right next to me. Besides, I still have one more power I haven’t used yet,” she pointed out.

Suddenly she had vanished from across the room and was stood next to the Deviant commander. “Teleportation,” she listed, just before Kresskin literally became a slug. “He
wasn’t a patch on Sam Holden as an anthropologist anyway,” the Eternal sniffed.

     “Ah…” Montague Hale breathed. “We’ll be back after these messages…”

     “My goodness,” Amelia Rumford exclaimed as she looked at the devastation around her. “Somebody takes the space aliens theory seriously.”

     “We’d better deal with this device before it causes any more trouble,” the Eternal decided.

     “And could somebody get Mr van Steiner a fresh pair of pants?” Hale asked his wardrobe people.

When the viewing public got back to the show it was to see Sersi the Eternal (in a new costume) holding the artefact up before her. “Before any more of you world-conquering types get ambitious ideas about this Celestial thingie,” she announced, “you’d better watch this.” And she stared hard at the stone, searing it with eye bears able to burn at 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit, concentrating until it was malleable enough for her to shatter and then disintegrating the fragments. “Sorry about that,” she apologised to the camera, “but there really were some things mortals weren’t meant to know.”

     “My artefact!” wailed van Steiner.

     “Talk to me when you have pants,” suggested Sersi.

     “Well, I’d like to thank out guests for a most… different episode of the Monty Hale Show,” Hale soldiered on bravely, “Join us next week when we’ll be having a calm, quiet discussion about mutant politics with scholar Professor Charles Xavier, government spokesperson H.P. Gyrich, U.S. Senator Kelly, and the new President of Genosha Magnus Lensherr. Good night.”