| Once upon a time… “Is it dead?” “As a doornail, milady. The fell wyrm is no more. You are
saved.” “Whew. Thanks. Er, is
there any chance you could cut these chains off me now, only my arms are going
to sleep in this position?” “Oh,
sorry. Yes, there you are.” “Thank you again. I was feeling a bit… vulnerable all strapped up
like that. Some people might take, you know, advantage.” “I assure you that the thought never crossed my
mind. Well, not seriously. Really.” “Uh-huh. Well I guess you must be one of the good knights in
shining armour then. I thought they only happened in
storybooks.” “Well what exactly is
one supposed to do when there’s a maiden screaming and a very large winged
lizard about to lightly toast her, if not charge to the rescue? “ “Well, I suspect the general consensus would be
to run as fast as possible in the opposite direction.” “Surely not. Rescuing damsels is a major part of
being a knight. We get special training, you know.” “Sure, just like us damsels take screaming
lessons. Get real.” “Are you
feeling alright? Only you seem to be a lot more… caustic than is customary after
being saved from a horrible fate.” “Well, I suppose I’m just slightly worried by the fact you’re a big
shiny person who I don’t know with a sword who’s insane enough to charge
dragons.” “Oh, sorry. I’ll put it
away shall I? You really don’t need to worry about being ravished or anything.
I’m quite harmless.” “Tell that
to scaly there. Oh wait – he’s dead.” “Besides, there’ll be plenty of time for hanky panky after the
wedding.” “The… the
wedding?” “Sure. Standard contract.
Dead dragon, princess’ hand and half the kingdom. Basic rates.” “Ah. Right. I see. And my father would agree to
this why?” “What?” “Why? Why should my royal father agree to give
away half his kingdom just because you spitted a big fire-breathing thingie? I
mean, if he was that bothered about me do you think he’d have had me chained
here as a sacrifice to appease the dragon in the first place?” “Er…” “Think about it. Just how does being able to stab wyrms make you a
good husband and ruler? I mean, how many dragons do you think we get around
here?” “I’m guessing the answer is
around one?” “Yep. Spot on. The
bottom has just dropped out of the local dragonslaying market. I don’t suppose
you have any experience in economics, or accountancy? You’re not a secret expert
on crop rotation or legal tort and stuff?” “I can shoot a goblin through the eye at ninety paces if that
helps.” “Not when you’re ruling a
kingdom that’s just been artificially divided in two by an arbitrary royal edict
to accommodate a sudden royal son-in-law, and you have to hammer out a working
socio-political infrastructure, I’m afraid.” “Are you sure you’re a princess? I thought you girls got etiquette
instructions on being rescued. This doesn’t seem like a proper damsel in
distress response at all.” “Would
you like me to faint? I suppose I could if it made you feel
better.” “No, no that’s quite
alright. I’m just having to adjust to something of an unfamiliar situation,
that’s all. I never really expected a princess with an IQ, I
suppose.” “Well I never expected
a knight in shining armour to come and spoil my big plan to save the
kingdom.” “Save the kingdom? You
don’t really believe that having fed the dragon one virgin you’d be able to keep
it away from demanding more and more and more?” “As a matter of fact that’s exactly what I
believe. After all, my dress has around twenty pounds of belladonna stitched
into it. That should have been enough to poison even a dragon when he ate
me.” “Clever. Very sneaky. I’m ever
so sorry I stopped you getting eaten and spoiled your plan.” “No, no that’s alright. I can’t say I was looking
forward to the being eaten part, so frankly I’d say your method was an
improvement overall. And there was always the risk that the wyrm prefers his
princesses crispy fried, in which case all the nasty poison gets well done as
long with me, and might have been useless.” “I can see how that would ruin your day.” “It’s just that – and please don’t take this
personally – we never thought we’d find anybody stupid enough to charge a
seventy-foot fire-breathing monster with nothing but a pointy
stick.” “Well I’m glad I’ve been
able to surprise you a little bit then. That way we can both say we’ve had an
interesting afternoon.” “I
suppose so.” “Yes.” “Absolutely.” “Indeed.” “Yes.” “Well… I’ve got
to say that I’m a bit puzzled as to what to do next. I mean, custom dictates
that I sweep you onto my horse, gallop off to your father, and pick up the
reward. Since I apparently don’t have the requisite agricultural or legal
education for your exacting standards, I’m at a bit of a loss.” “Ah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to spoil your rescue.
It’s just that I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I didn’t go to all this
trouble to save the realm only to have some heroic imbecile take charge and run
it into the ground. No offence.” “None taken. You have quite a good point. Never thought of it like
that before.” “So… what
happens?” “I suppose… I place a
single chaste kiss on your virgin cheek, leap onto the stallion, and ride off
into the sunset leaving you wistfully wondering who the mystery hero
was.” “It has a certain romantic
rhythm to it, I admit, but that doesn’t seem very fair on you after you got all
scorched and sweaty saving my life. And who says I’m a virgin
anyway?” “Er, well, I just assumed.
I mean, sacrifices to monsters are usually supposed to be…” “It’s a seventy foot long hungry reptile. It’s
not going to be bothered about my sexual history. Do you enquire after the
marital status of your pork sandwiches?” “You know, I think battling the dragon was the easy part of this
rescue. Very well, milady, let me ask you a few questions. What are you going to
do now?” “Now? What do you
mean?” “What I mean is, you’ve just
been miraculously saved – with a good deal of style and flair, if I say so
myself – from a gory fate. Do you trot off back to the palace and say ‘Hello
everybody. Guess what? I’m not dead even though you were all perfectly happy for
me to be left out to be eaten by a dragon to save your skinny butts. Hi, daddy,
I’m back and ready for the next time I need to be sacrificed to save the day’.
Or what?” “That’s not fair. I’m
sure there was a good deal of soul-searching before they let me do
this.” “So they didn’t heave a huge
sigh of relief that in feeding the alarmingly smart-mouthed princess to the
dragon that they were killing two birds with one stone?” “No. Of course not. No. Absolutely
no.” “I thought so. And now that
you’re saved your father can line you up in some political marriage with the
agricultural economist of your dreams.” “Look, the ability to hit things with a sword does not denote an
aptitude for maintaining a stable relationship.” “Whereas the ability to operate a three-field
rotation doesn’t denote an aptitude for a romance filled with passion and
fulfilment. But perhaps, not being a virgin, you already know
that?” “I never said I wasn’t a
virgin. I just said you shouldn’t assume.” “You mean I should… what? Conduct practical tests?” “No. I mean you should… not expect everything to
be… what you expect.” “Are you
trying to tell me that you’re actually a prince in disguise?” “No! What I mean is that… ooohh!” “Heh. Now you know what it’s like rescuing
you.” “I am not like
that.” “Oh, yes you are.” “Am not!” “Are
so.” “Not.” “So.” “Not.” “I rest my
case. So seriously, what are we going to do? I mean, haven’t you paid your dues
to your kingdom now? You were willing to give your life for it. What else can
they expect?” “The rest of my
life, I suppose.” “Oh, that’s not
fair. By that reckoning, you owe your life to me. So either I get to keep it, or
else I get compensated for giving it back to your kingdom.” “What do you mean, keep it? You can’t keep it –
me.” “Why not? You’re rather
attractive in a sort of annoying nitpicky way. You’d be rather fun to
keep.” “Well you can forget that
idea right off, buster. Just because you saved my skin doesn’t give you free
access to it.” “Sad but true. And
even if I was the liberty-taking type, which I trust you have noted, I am not,
I’m hardly going to annoy a girl who poisons her underwear and hurls herself
into the maws of dragons.” “That’s right. Don’t forget my underwear.” “I’m thinking about it right now.” “That is not exactly what I meant. Perhaps we
should just recap at this point? I am very happy to be saved, but that does not
mean I have to grant you conjugal rights of either a temporary or permanent
basis, nor that the kingdom is necessarily liable to offer any compensation or
remuneration for your unsolicited extermination of local
vermiforms.” “I think that’s
absolutely clear now. However, likewise I reserve the freedom of thought to
speculate on the nature of any conjugal liaison of a temporary or permanent
basis which you are under no obligation to grant, upon the nature of any
belladonna-laced lingerie you may or may not be modelling, or upon what a shame
it would be if you didn’t kiss me right here and now. Milady.” “You do not have carte blanche to go around
randomly kissing princesses just because they happen to have had a recent
draconic inconvenience.” “This is
true. It is quite clearly an invitation-only event.” “And that is frankly not going to
happen.” “Uh-huh. I
see.” “What does that mean?
Uh-huh what?” “Oh, just uh-huh. As
in, uh-huh, she’s trying to pretend she doesn’t want me to kiss her right
now.” “Now that is just your
imagination running wild. And also you being smug for no good
reason.” “Hey, I killed a flaming
huge flaming dragon. Surely I get to be very slightly smug for a limited time
period? And if I’m just imagining an attraction why are you
blushing?” “Because I’m shocked.
I’m not used to such… boorish treatment.” “Uh-huh.” “Don’t start
that again. Look, you seem a nice enough young man apart from a tendency to
wander round in a tin can doing monumentally suicidal things, but any
inclination I might have to offer any kind of… lip contact whatsoever can be
clearly put down to post-traumatic stress reaction.” “So you admit to having an inclination,
then?” “I didn’t say
that.” “Yes you did. I heard you.
‘Any inclination you might have’, you said. So you do want me to kiss
you.” “Might have. Not do have.
Might have.” “I’m sure your father
the king would be shocked if he found you were not being a wholly truthful
princess. Perhaps you would care to clarify whether you are or are not secretly
yearning for me to take you in my arms and implement the kind of lip contact you
referred to earlier.” “I don’t
see why I should have to supply any such clarification.” “I suppose not. It’s pretty eveident that you’re
dying for me to kiss you. Probably with tongues.” “Don’t be absurd. You’re going back to these
fairy tale stories again. Nothing is going to happen.” “So you don’t want me to kiss you, and you won’t
enjoy it if I do.” “Exactly.” “And you’re
willing to prove this?” “If you
insist. I expect I’ll have to find some way of showing you that your ridiculous
expectations are nothing more than absurd fantasy.” “Right. Here goes.” “Right.” …… “Well?” “Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. Not a thing.” “Really? Because I thought you were sort of kissing back there
towards the end.” “Of course not.
I was just trying not to choke on your tongue. Where did you learn to kiss like
that?” “Hero school. Standard
heroine-kissing technique.” “You
must have had great fun practising on your school-chums.” “I did not - and I wish to emphasise this -
practise on my school chums. It was an all-squires school.” “Uh-huh.” “Now you’re doing the uh-huh thing. I think we should have a sort of
mutual uh-huh exclusion treaty. So you’re saying you got that good at kissing
without practise, then, milady?” “What? I certainly don’t go around doing kissing practise. If I’m a
good kisser it’s an entirely natural talent, and frankly I don’t see where
you’re getting that from since I wasn’t kissing you back at all. You’re utterly
imagining the whole thing.” “As
previously described, I have a very good imagination. I imagined that as I was
embracing you, you were sort of pressing your whole body up against me and
really quite enjoying the experience.” “Then you have a morbid, sick imagination. I was in no way either
kissing or pressing. I was simply letting you get the thing out of your system
and demonstrating that I was in no way aroused or excited by the contact,
despite the adrenaline surge of escaping death by dragon.” “Really? I had a very different impression of the
experience.” “Well you were
clearly overcome by having the chance to kiss a stunning princess, so you
probably weren’t thinking clearly.” “But I was definitely paying attention, milady. In the interests of
fairness I think we owe it to ourselves to repeat the experiment and find out
which of us has the proper perspective on this.” “Oh, you do, do you? And you think I have nothing
better to do than stand here while a sweaty knight paws me and pulls me close to
him and…” |